to tell dp that I want to become celibate for a year.

[snottyslimeclock]

I have always been a Christian and have become a much more committed one in recent months. I have decided that I no longer want to be involved in a relationship that involves sex outside of marriage.

This is not about me pressurising dp into getting married , we are doing so next year and it is very much a joint decision. It is not because I do not want to have sex with him, we have a lot of sex and often. My heart still flips when he enters the room and I often chase him around the bedroom.
I would like to think that if dp asked me I would agree even if I found it difficult, but it is a big ask - although not a permanent one.

I am a regular before the trollhunters start to gird their loins.

PLease note my name is snottyslimeclock because dd has been making one and it is in front of me. This is not a comment on dp's hygiene.

Not even about being supportive blinder it is about changing a relationship so much that I would wonder exactly why DH felt it needed changing like that.

Sex is a big part of our relationship, there are times where we just aren't up for it of course, but to be told he wasn't having sex with me for a year would just be unthinkable for the man as I know him. So therefore, it would mean that I didn't know him in the way I thought I did. Does that make sense?

If your DP is on board, then full steam ahead.

Otherwise, that is probably one of the most selfish propositions I have heard recently.

CatechistKate I find your comment about artificial contraception leading to an imbalance of power intriguing, in light of the fact that a unwanted/unplanned pregnancy leads to such a power shift in a relationship. Surely contraception is a "shared" responsibility? Or have I suddenly been transported to 50 years ago without my noticing?

OR (lightening strike) are all of your comments based on a strict RC viewpoint? Are you an apologist for RC beliefs on marriage? (e.g. marriage is a one time only offer comment).

Annulment is a complete joke BTW, especially if children have been born within the marriage. It exists to appease RC divorcers/ees who wish to remarry within the church and pretend the whole first marriage never happened, IMO.
For the record, I am not RC nor religious.

ilovemydog - we were refused an annullment previously in a different diocese so we could not get married. We took time to reflect and started to plan a secular wedding when a friend from a local non catholic church said that I should try going there instead. The priest there offered to marry us as did a friend who is a minister.

A friend who is a catholic priest said that he thought the wrong decision had been reached about our annullment, so we went down that route while planning a wedding outside the catholic church.

It is all quite complicated!

A warning - my dp (now dh) and I decided we would become chaste before our wedding after he became a Christian and I wanted to re-commit my life to the Lord. This was for a period of about 9 months leading up to our wedding. It took a huge amount of willpower but we did do it.

Evangelical Christians will spout lots of stuff about how it will bring you closer together, you will become more in tune with God etc etc. In all honesty I don't think our sex life ever really recovered from suppressing our normal, natural, healthy urges towards each other. Our sex life is fine now, but not like it once was and I regret that a lot.

Oscy there were very grave reasons for my annullment, it was not an easy decision. Depsite the fact that my marriage was a bloody miserable farce I was heartbroken about having to get a divorce. He actually divorced me and I did not respond.

That is so sad shy but I suspect that would happen to a lot of us if we stopped doing something so primal and instinctual because of a set of archaic rules.The spontaneity would surelt be affected and the act itself somehow changed in priority

Thankyou Shynamechanger for sharing that.

I'm going to leave aside the religious aspect of your motivation here. I don't respect that at all.

But I am intrigued by the idea that a sexual relationship somehow inhibits other pathways to intimacy. How so? Please someone explain this to me without recourse to any kind of god if possible.

SNC - that's very sad but I think it's a valid point.

Sex is only one aspect of a relationship but it's an important one, being one of the things that makes your relationship with your OH different to your relationship with anyone else.

OP - you might find he's in agreement with you that you should both put the past behind you, do what you feel is right and start your married life together without any resentment or guilt. But if he doesn't agree, please don't make any hasty decisions either way.

I hope things work out for you both, whichever way you choose.

I don't think that it does mrxcrocoduck but because that avenue will be cut off we will have to find other routes to express the very close bond that we have - as we did in our intitial years together. It is also going to be a challenge- experience with dp tells me that we work well when faced with a challenge.

Snotty, I don't doubt ending your first marriage was traumatic. I do think it is crucial to distinguish between divorce and annulment - both are very different creatures.
Annulment is a separate process (as you know) and is only done whereby someone want the church to recognise their marriage is over, which to me personally is hypocritical of that same church, given the "one time only offer" comment made previously by another poster, and quoted by me.

You know your DP best snotty how do you think he will react? I ask this because I am a nosy person.

Hi OP
I really respect your changing faith, but long term celibacy is a big ask of anyone, especially (I'd imagine) when you're already in a sexual relationship with someone. If you can't manage it will you feel guilty all over again? I think you both need to be realistic about human sexuality; it's as strong a drive for Christians as anyone else!

I'd echo other people's suggestions about bringing the wedding forward. My brother and SiL arranged a church wedding within a month (14 guests). Could you have a small church wedding soon, then a celebratory party next year (say for your 1st anniversary?) along the lines you'd originally planned?

I don't really want to go into it oscy, my annulment was actually as traumatic if not more so than my divorce. In my situation it can be said that when those vows were made by people who either had no intention of keeping them or were not able to.

It is hypocritical and it's hypocritical to pretend that a year of celibacy cancels out what went before. If the rules are so flexible why are you so bothered about the rules?

lol morloth, I think he will at least think about it. He will struggle, as will I , but he will understand.

Morloth

Oscy - I'm also interested in this as I'm not Catholic so a bit confused by the whole annulment thing. I was taught that the Bible allowed divorce on grounds of adultery or abuse so then you would be free to remarry should you so choose. In practice, we were at CoE for a while and they wouldn't marry anyone who had been divorced and this didn't sit right with me. Sorry - bit off topic I know!

May the Gods bless you both, I am bowing out.

I agree lilian

It is not about cancelling out or pretending but about reflecting on what we have now and what we want in the future.

I don't see it as hypocritical, people change and grow.

Oscy, natural family planning methods require both partners to be on board. A woman could take the pill without her partner's knowledge or stick a pin in a condom, for example. And according to the "rules", sex should only be happening within a marriage anyway. Artificial methods fail too.

Regarding marriage being a one-time-offer, RC marriage is just that. There is a very specific contract. I am not talking about civil/legal commitment, which rightly IMHO allows for divorce and remarriage.

Annulment only means that the marriage never happened in a religious sense, and has no legal standing.

You probably wouldn't believe me if I told you I'm Anglican by birth, Atheist by choice, unmarried to my partner of many years and father of my children. I do, however, think that my advice to the OP stands and should offer should comfort, if that's what her question is really about. I think "Catholic Guilt" is a most destructive force and I wouldn't like to have to go without sex for a week!

I think you should talk to your DP now and tell him how you are feeling. Tell him that you are taking advice about your sex and love life from the Minister, and feel that your involvement with religoin is increasing, and tht you are changing as a person.

Because to be honest you are developing a relationship with religion which very much affects your DP, and it may not be one that he is comfortable with. Also, if it is still growing, and you feel you are still changing, then how does your DP know how far it will go? Does he know who he is planning to marry?

You are not using contraception? You don't feel comfortable with sex befor marriage but you are risking a child before marriage?

I think you shgould tell your DP that you are not really in a position toconsider marriage until you have fully explored what religion means to you and how far it will take over your life.

If this sounds impossible - then ask yourself what it is you are doing by getting yorself deeper in. And why.

If it is really important to you then you definitely need to discuss it with him. You never know, he might embrace it or you two might be able to sort out a compromise. It is a big ask though so be prepared for some freaking out I would think.

Are you committed to him? Really, totally and completely? Because if you are then I believe that God knows that and considers you married already. But I am a Christian agnostic (I think, am Christian but find the earthly churches extremely dodgy - all of them pretty much) so am not interested in following the "rules" of the Church.

Is a tricky one, as I said if my DH suggested this it would rock our relationship right down to the very core.

But that 'avenue' does not block other methods of intimacy by default. Unless you let it. So another approach might be to look at the areas that you think ARE suffering (ie romance, or whatever it might be) and see what POSITIVE steps can be taken towards revitalising them.

Life is hard. It's really hard. I see no reason or logic in denying ourselves the complete love of the one person in the world we can rely on to make us happy.

I suspect your motivation is religious in nature though. In which case you need to examine the use of a life lived in guilt. Why would you deny yourself happiness and pure human contentment in the name of a deity whose opinions (should they exist) or desires are as diverse as the peoples claiming to know them.

Love your life.

Am bowing back in quickly, thank you Kate, I do enjoy a bit of context!