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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be unsure if I should report friend to SS?

342 replies

custardismyhamster · 13/06/2010 23:45

Friend is 23, has dyspraxia (and other things I think as have read up on dyspraxia and it's just difficulties with co-ordination if I'm right, so she may not run as well as others etc)

She has a DD, 8 months.

Her DD is not cared for very well and I am worried. Whenever I visit her DD is passed to me and I end up caring for her. If I don't, she gets ignored-so today she was sat on floor playing with a toy, she fell and banged her head (was fine!) and cried so I left it for a few minutes, my friend ignored her so I picked her up, cuddled her, then distracted with funny faces-her DD laughed and forgot about her fall bless her.

Anyway the little girl doesn't seem to ever be properly clean (not as in oh she has baby food on her clothes-she is a baby they get messy! but as in she stinks-literally after clean nappy on etc, her hair FEELS greasy and she smells. She also has terrible exema and cream from gp, friend doesnt put it on her as 'makes my hands feel greasy')

She is also never spoken to, or interacted with by my friend, at least not when I am there.

Friend never seems to buy her anything she needs-had no cot until about 7 months old etc, but yet can afford pauls boutique bags and mac makeup for herself...hmm.

AND friend told me today that to make money (she doesn't work, but lives at home with her mother, who does work and she isn't paying any board even) that she is sleeping with men for money-in her house, in front of her DD.

This has worried me and I feel it's the final straw-should I now as a concerned onlooker be speaking to social services or similar, as am concerned about little girls welfare?

Any advice really appreciated guys as don't know what to do for the best but don't want little girl to suffer

OP posts:
tethersend · 14/06/2010 12:06

You must put the baby first- yes, your friend obviously needs help, but the baby's basic needs must come before the needs of the mother.

Altinkum · 14/06/2010 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fruitysunshine · 14/06/2010 12:17

For the sake of the child and the mother I would be talking to my friend first. I could not just go behind her back and ring Social Services. If I had concerns then I would raise them as soon as I saw them and not let things get worse, as presumably you have watched this situation developed over a prolonged period of time and it is not just a snapshot of one day?

If my friend was defensive and clearly not prepared to hear my concerns then I would contact the Health Visitor and I would tell my friend I was doing that. From then on it would be in the hands of the professionals.

How long have you known your friend? How close are you as friends?

You are not 100% if the sex working thing is true and if her main problems are day to day care of the child then that is something that the Health Visitor could advise her on.

Also, if there is a form of depression involved then the Health Visitor would know what signs to look out for whilst meeting with her.

tethersend · 14/06/2010 12:22

What if your friend said all the right things to you and was more careful every time you came over (or just stopped inviting you) to engage with the baby, but continued to neglect her when you were not there?

As Altinkum says, the HV would have to contact SS were she told this information.

Fruitysunshine · 14/06/2010 12:27

Valid point. To be honest if there was no explanation coming from her as to why things had deteriorated then I would still contact the HV. If there is an explanation then surely you can help?

emma1977 · 14/06/2010 12:28

Contact SS (ask to speak to the first response team). They will investigate (inluding approaching the HV) and support or intervene as appropriate.

Altinkum · 14/06/2010 12:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fruitysunshine · 14/06/2010 12:33

I take on board your reasoning Altinkum.

I would be so crap at that job - too soft.

Altinkum · 14/06/2010 12:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
custardismyhamster · 14/06/2010 13:10

mumeeee thanks for that, I'm not too clued up on what exactly dyspraxia is-what you've said does sound like she could be partly struggling because of that too.

OP posts:
Original poster
custardismyhamster · 14/06/2010 13:16

This is why I am unsure guys-what if she IS lying about the sex work? And maybe then it's just that she needs more support?

I am worried, but part of me thinks that I should just try and help her (though I work full time and to be honest i can't be there for her enough to be a help-not if I want to still see my DP anyway!)

OP posts:
Altinkum · 14/06/2010 13:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Miggsie · 14/06/2010 13:24

Next time she mentions the sex thing challenge her on it. Not sure why she would make something like that up...

My SIL was into drugs then took up prostitution as the pimp was cleverer than she was...SS got involved as the absent father was concerned and my niece now lives with her granny. Her mother keeps wanting her back,as she wants the girl to do the housework and look after her!!!!

Our entire family is geared up to fighting a custody claim her mum makes as she really is not fit to look after a child. Her pimp is horrible and what will he do with a 13 year old girl?

Anyways, the sex thing is worrying because eother she's a bit ill to make something like that up, or she is exposing herself and the baby to possible dangers. Surely she can't be that short of money?

Lavenderboo · 14/06/2010 14:21

Dyspraxia means that the person has problems co-ordinating their body but it may also mean your friend has problems co-ordinating her thoughts too. It might not mean that she is being deliberately neglectful of her DC but that she needs support to help her learn some parenting skills and organise her care for her DC a bit better.

SS should be able to help her get this support. Maybe she could take her DC to a nursery or toddler and baby groups for support too.

However, the prostitution, particularly, in front of her DC is really dangerous. Your friend might take risks (because of her learning difficulties and/ or post natal depression) and this makes her and her child VERY vulnerable.

More worrying than this child being a bit dirty is the fact that this child is more vulnerable to sexual abuse. I?m not being scare mongering, just realistic. It does happen.

No one wants to drop their friends in it, but you don?t have to give your name. This isn?t about your friendship with this woman, but about this child.

greenbeanie · 14/06/2010 14:25

Definately speak to your friends HV if you can. However, they will generally only refer if they can see the concerns themselves and if your friend is not forthcoming about the prostitution there may not be enough grounds for referral.

But they will support you in making a referral, as in who to contact and what to say. The welfare of her daughter is at stake and although it is always scary doing a referral you would never forgive yourself if something happened. The other option is to contact the NSPCC helpline, they have trained advisors who can talk things through anonymously and may help you decide what to do. Good luck.

ArthurPewty · 14/06/2010 16:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

flootshoot · 14/06/2010 17:19

It does sound like she needs some support. SS are there to help - I think they get demonised by a lot of people (not saying anyone on here), but they really can offer a lot of help. It might be better that they step in now with some assistance for your friend than leaving it until her DD hs an accident or something more drastic action is needed.

CheekyBigBrotherFan · 14/06/2010 17:21

Tethersend
I think if she contacted her friends HV then her friends HV can make the decision to involve the SS.

If she was to contact SS off her own back and SS turn up at her friends house, take her child into care, then whats left for the mother - She needs help not judging and having her child taking off of her. When i was at my lowest i sometimes wished SS would get involved but i didnt mean it. yes she may be neglecting her child, but i think contacting the HV first would be the best step for her to help her friend.

tethersend · 14/06/2010 17:33

The mother's needs come second to the child's. Whatever course of action the OP takes must be with the needs of the child at the forefront of her mind- not the needs of the mother.

SS need to be informed, and the OP should inform them.

MathsMadMummy · 14/06/2010 17:42

what Tethersend said.

I did a child protection course today, hardly makes me an expert but yeah I'd report. The child's needs are paramount etc etc.

CheekyBigBrotherFan · 14/06/2010 17:44

Yes but so is the mothers. The child is 8 months old, she could be suffering from depression as well as the Dyspraxia

maltesers · 14/06/2010 17:52

Leon . . i doubt someone would want to say they are prostituting themselves for sympathy. . .surely its embarrassing isnt it.?
I would be concerned for the little one too . But as you say LEON, reporting is a huge step.
Would it be an idea to chat annoymously to SS giving no names , and then see what they think. ?
They too know that the last thing they want to do is take child from its mother. I imagine they dont do this anyway for some time. . .they would surely talk to Mother about babys welfare and see if it improves ??

wahwah · 14/06/2010 17:52

Fgs none of you would trust this poor woman to look after a puppy, why your're hesitating with a vulnerable baby is beyond me.

maltesers · 14/06/2010 17:59

Even if you were a bad mother WAHWAH, would you want the SS to take you baby away from you. . .???? Yes, the babys welfare is VIP but think about the repercussions .
The mother may pull her socks up at the thought of loosing her child, which is prob what she needs. Think how she will never (possible ) speak to the OP again??
Custardismyhamster i imagine you are thinking once you report this friend she will cause some trouble between you?
Understandable . . . .

grapeandlemon · 14/06/2010 18:01

what wahwah said

Do you seriously need to ask