boarding school threat

[bananalover]

AIBU in telling my 8 yr old son that if his disrespectful behaviour continues, I will send him to boarding school?

No answers, but perhaps some comfort here

thanks, but it seems that most people on here think its me not doing my job...not the proffessionals
have spent most of today looking into family therapy btw...but must add that his siblings show no signs of same bahaviour.

family therapy isn't mass therapy because everyone has the same problem. It is about taking blame away from difficulties that are damaging a family, and having the family members to find ways work together, even when things are hard (my take anyway). Siblings must be affected by the behaviour too, so it could really help that way.

You sound a bit defeated. Understandable, but try to be strong, all your children need and love you. What you do (and don't do) now will have long-term effects. The future can be better, so take the advice and help that is there.

Family therapy looks at the whole dynamic going on which can unconsciously be enabling a set of behaviours, and can identify when one person (often a child) is becoming a sort of conduit for tensions which need looking at. It is not a question of blaming anybody, but of setting up a supportive environment at home where people can relate to each other without scapegoating or acting out.

banana - you did say 'his siblings are starting to copy him.' so maybe family therapy could help

You've mentioned your son's class teacher, but what about the school's Inclusion Manager (aka SENCo)? This behaviour (and the smearing of excrement is very worrying - though not suggesting the rest isn't) has gone far beyond what I, as a classroom teacher would be expected to advise on. The SENCo is the one who should be pulling strings left, right and centre to get help for you all (them too, as I can't imagine they're keen on letting it all pass)

never even met a school inclusion manager

Well, they must have someone on the staff legally designated for special needs? Which covers many things, of course, but would certainly include behavioural issues.
Who is liaising with the outside agencies?

as far as im aware there is no one designated. seems to be headmaster as he is always at any meetings we have.

banana the school must have a SENCo (special educational needs co-ordinator) I liase with them daily at work they are my main point of contact.

They should be central to meeting your sons needs at school and you should have reports and written feedback from them.

has he been assessed for ADHD? i mean properly with a school obs and a connors questionnaire for you and the teachers? What's his sleep like? Self organisation? Memory? Social skills? Distractability? Energy levels? Concentration? Mood swings? Children with ADHD ir intrinsic diffs often end up with co-morbid emotional diffs due to their self-esteem being battered and being scapegoated as "naughty" or "disruptive". I just ask because you mentioned previously about his impulsivity re attacking his peers and then not being able to describe any motivation afterwards.

Even if he does meet ADHD criteria however there's certainly an emotional component there too, which needs urgent intervention.

HT is sometimes the SENCo/IncO. Have you spoken to the Area IncO at the LEA?

I would also suggest private Ed Psych/ Psych assessment and return to CAMHS to push for more intervention.

If you are seeing gp anyway, ask for referral to Community Paediatrician for full developmental assessment.

It's very difficult finding your way around special needs services (whether for EBD/ AS/ any other additional need, but the further you get into the system, the more avenues there are for you to try - if you have the perseverance to get on with it.

Ask the school if the HT is the SENCo. If the HT is not the SENCo, ask to meet with him/ her to discuss the CAMHS strategies that were put in place.

Many children with behavioural issues respond well to 1-1 support in the classroom. This, however, costs money, so isn't offered on a plate. You have to figt for it. Ask the SENCo/ HT if this is an option. Ask the Area IncO if this is an option (particularly if CAMHS strategies have been implemented and failed. Do you have copies of any behavioural plans/ contracts that the school have been working on with your ds? You need to be keeping these together in a file so that you can access them and pass them on to other professionals.

Have school come up with any IEPs etc? (sometimes these are used for behaviour targets etc, sometimes just behaviour plans/ contracts). Keep everything. They will be useful for further assessments.

Sometimes if school are dragging their heels, it may be helpful to ask other parents to go in and complain that their own child's education is being affected. This worked particularly well in one instance with dd1's class (also 8yo at the time). Essentially the class's education was being disrupted on a regular (sometimes daily) basis as the emergency plan when the dc kicked off was to evacuate the class to the school hall, and contain the child until he could be talked down. He would regularly throw chairs and tables/ scissors and attack the teacher - the evacuation plan was the safest way to minimise the danger to the other children. With parental intervention, the LEA agreed to provide funding for 1-1 supports, which helped enormously - the dc was able to learn some coping strategies, as well as recognising triggers etc.

It's tough being the parent of a child who doesn't quite manage to integrate, for whatever reason, but you do have to investigate all avenues before opting out.

no-one at a boarding school (unless you do manage to get a place at a specialist school) is going to do this stuff for you - any additional needs stuff will get added to your fees, or you will be asked to arranged private assessments yourself and pay.

good luck.

Dittany, he did have a priviledged childhood in experiences,times and materialistic things as well.

This is not about my son I was offering the OP the same advice as others on here.
Yes DS1 was witness to DV before the age of 2 yrs old but that is not the point is it really?

BL I'm sorry to hear that you have been pushed from pillar to post with the professionals so far.

It seems clear to me (as a mum nothing else) that your ds needs help - keep pushing and banging on doors until he gets the right assessments and the help you all deserive.

BL - you could be describing my son on his horrible days. Turns out he is diabetic. No symptoms. We only found out because DH became ill and was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes (Juvenile onset at 47!!!!) It was then suggested adults in DH family should be tested. Turned out BIL and stepson had it at various stages of maturity again no symptoms. Consultant then asked for DS and DD to be tested. Diabetes in children can cause behavioural issues and yours sound exactly the same as DS.

I haven't read all through the thread I'm afraid - but DC's school had leaflets out today advertising for participants in a new series of Jo (supernanny) Frost's Extreme Parental Guidance - and your situation seems desperate enough that it might be worth considering? maybe?

Sounds like you have explored every avenue.

I would be considering boarding school in your shoes too

Ok, yes I had a little boy, who I dreaded when he come out of school, what he had done. I was always worried when he went to friends houses and always played up anywhere he went. I had tears and despair BUT GLORIA SMUT FACE he is a lovely 15 year old now. So I know where this conversation is going. Sometimes kids go through phases of bad behaviour, his lasted 10 years, but hes ok now. Still mischevious but what a character he is! So na, na, na. Get a life, btw swearing doesn't make you look intelligent at all.