boarding school threat

[bananalover]

AIBU in telling my 8 yr old son that if his disrespectful behaviour continues, I will send him to boarding school?

Please stop going on about borstal: there is such a thing as a self-fulfilling prophecy! If you believe that is his destiny, then that makes it far more likely to happen.

You haven't answered the question about mental health assessment- have you had him assessed?

Why do you think boarding school would help? Do you know of one that specialises in behavioural issues? In my experience children there get very little one on one attention there (could be different now) so it is doubtful any of his problems would be solved just taken out of your sight. Does he get on well with other children and make friends easily? If not it is a very lonely place to be in.

If you are making it a threat now he would probably feel he was being punished and blame you forever if you sent him (like I still blame my parents!).

I hope things get better for you soon.

bananalover,do talk to school and gp for referrals.have all health/emotional issues been assessed

stop going on about borstal it will become self fulfilling prophecy

maybe get thread pulled doesnt put you or him in great light.think of effect upon him hearing that

you are in turmoil.dont drag this across internet

But boarding school's not an answer, is it? If you are threatening him with it, I mean: 'You are bad so we are sending you away.'
And he is meant to think 'oh dear I am bad, my parents are punishing me. Therefore I will go and be looked after by other people and I will be punished and learn my lesson.'

I just don't see the logic.

Abdicating parental responsibility ain't gonna earn his respect.

And what are you going to say at the interview. 'He is badly behaved and we can't handle him.'

'Oh marvellous, Mr and Mrs Banana. Sounds like junior banana is coming here for all the right reasons. Smashing. See you at Michaelmas term.'

And stop banging on about Borstal. It's just such a negative stereotype that isn't useful for you to focus on - or to project the idea on to you eight year old.

I frequently offer to sell mine, or in the absence of a willing buyer, offer to pay someone to take them away.

It always works even though they know I'm joking. Don't believe in boarding school before sixth form - they're a bit apprehensive even about it then - so wouldn't make a joke of it.

parenting is hard
it is not nice to have to discipline - do you find your other dc 'easy'?

i am not using boarding school as a threat...but because i think it will help him...he is obviously not happy with his parents!
we have tried everything, absolutley everything, even his teachers are at a loss as to what to do now.
we have tried cahms, school physcologist, GP...because i thought it might be a medical condition...nothing, he just actually seems to enjoy the reaction his behaviour gets.

I agree with SM. From your posts it doesn't sound like you have explored all the options open to you to help you and your family, and most importantly, your very sad and angry little boy find out what's wrong, and a way through for him. Banishing him from your lives will bring nothing but lifelong heartache.

Time to work a bit harder for him, rather than labelling him difficult. Maybe he had ODD, maybe you will never know what causes this, but there are many many other routes to try before casting him out of your lives.

Obviously we do not have the full story, and the OP reflects your frustration, and your ways of coping with it, to be jokey and dismissive. This does not make you a bad mum. I bet you care with every ounce of your being. But this is not the place to get real help for either you or your boy. And you won't get superficial support for your feelings either.....

well, you cant have tried everything, because that is just plain impossible. has anyone suggested ODD? Have you taken him to any private ed psychs? (believe you me, when budgets are a factor, the reports can vary wildy) have you considered he had something like dyspraxia, which manifests itself through behavioural issues? Have you considered bodybrushing?

I ask, because you just can't say you have tried everything. There are so many options out there. Maybe the limitations of help on the NHS/via school means your son's needs are not being addressed properly.

Fling some money at it, because a boarding school is much more expensive than some independent assessments.

banana,the fact he appears to be stimulated by negative feedback is perhaps indicative all isnt as it should be

i never say this,maybe get thread deleted. think of your son before posting further,stuff on mn can be recalled and can be googled,pasted on fb,twitter

as a child he cant consent to what you chose to post,and your terms are derisiry

sorry for your troubles but please dont drag this around mn.it is not good

tomorrow - plead for some help
school.gp,camhs, sw

Surely everyone is anoymous on here anyway or am I missing something?

Bananalover you yourself used the word 'threat' in the title.

You might be blind to the ways that you are reinforcing his behaviour. You should have family therapy. It is much cheaper than boarding school.

This page will help you find a qualified family therapist near you. It might really help your little boy and you too. Good luck.

I think I have to agree with MadameDefarge. It sounds as if he does have some kind of special needs or mental health problems and you do have to keep pushing. Just because you don't manage to get a diagnosis straightaway doesn't mean there is nothing there. Many parents of children with special needs have to spend years fighting for a diagnosis. But that is better than borstal, surely?
It is very unlikely that just going to boarding school will magically sort out his problems: if that were the case, why can't you apply the same discipline at home? The chances are, if he does show the same violent tendencies there, they will expell him.

well yes but posts have been replicated in print media, discussed on telly.can be linked to fb,twitter.so even if no one knows BL her post can still be viewed beyond mn.and if not deleted will remain searchable

im being cautious for the wee boy and bananalover and isn't conducive to familial bonding to have such harrowing topic knocking about

ok...he has has a very privelideged childhood.
he was na only child until after he started school full time.
he has always had attention fron both myself and my dh.
the school have tried EVERYTHING in their pwer to help him.
we are not abdicating responsibilty, we just want to help him.
when we have asked him why he behaves this way he says he is doing nothing wrong.
his siblings are starting to copy him.
I DO NOT WANT TO SEND HIM AWAY AND ABDICATE RESPOSIBILTY....but we do not know what else to do.
we talk about borstal because we are shit scared that that is where he will end up!

I have no experience of boarding school, but I have to admit I did feel a bit uncomfortable by the way your OP was worded- it did sound more like a "I've given up, I can't deal with you" than a sensible, thought-through option.

I don't see why sending your ds to baording school would teach him to respect YOU (and surely that is the main goal?) I think that nees to come from you, although I do understand that you are saying you are finding it very challenging, and I sympathise with that. But I don't see that passing the problem onto someone else is going to resolve issues between you and your son, and could possibly even make things worse

Yes, but can't you see for yourself that if you think boarding school might end up being an option, then the last thing you should be doing is telling him that he will have to go there "if his disrespectful behaviour continues" (in other words, as a threat)? That seems to me a foolproof way of ensuring that he will arrive at the boarding school (if you can find one that will take him) full of resentment and determined not to do anything they want.

If you do go down the boarding school route, you must present it like this: "Your father and I realise you are not very happy at the moment. We think you would have a better time at X school".

Is he a child from a previous relationship?

well, for me the red flag is you asking him why he behaves this way...how the fuck would an 8 year old KNOW why he behaves the way he does?

Sounds like you have ridiculously high expectations of him: you expect an 8 year old to have the emotional and intellectual cognitive ability to understand why he behaves so badly....listen to yourself!

Get yourselves off to a family therapist... there is much more there than just one little boy...ever heard of scapegoating?

pay for private psych assessment if you have the means.dont chuck in towel and consign him to bad boy status

and do stop saying borstal

is it possible the inevitable change in family dynamics from singleton to sibling could be responsible.

potential Attachment and/or rivalries issues

really if money no prob go private

anyway i wont post again this thread is bitty icky

How many times have you been back to CAHMS after your initial visit? Have you tried family therapy?

(remembering the 6 years we have spent getting new referrals to paediatricians and consultants and counsellors and CAHMS whenever we have felt dd's needs were not being met).

i dont think that sending a child to boarding school is abdicating responsibility...is that what the Queen thought.
lots of kids go to boarding school, dont they, and some of the respondents on here said they went and loved it!
just think that that kind of routine and expectation frmn the school would help him.

Yes, SM. There is a dissonance in the OP that bodes ill for her little boy. Denial, scapegoating... don't like it.

You've had good advice here. Try and get yourself out of your current mindset. It might be a shock to hear that some thing are not not doing your best (presumably your default position in regards to your son). But you can love your children and still fail them.

Think about it.

Now this has to be a troll, because the Queen has such fantastically well adjusted children...

Goodnight BL, thanks for leading us all up the garden path so nastily.

Yes, bananalover, but it does sound like he has serious behaviour issues. Most boarding schools will not take on a child with these issues: you will need to have a very specialist school to meet his needs. And if you do find one, and they do take him, then the whole thing will still be ruined if you have presented this to him as punishment for his bad behaviour, as your OP showed.

I agree with MadameDefarge that you need to think about how you speak to him in an age appropriate way.