boarding school threat

[bananalover]

AIBU in telling my 8 yr old son that if his disrespectful behaviour continues, I will send him to boarding school?

It's no wonder he misbehaves if this is the sort of thing you say to him!

Banana, if he is anything like my 8 year old he would probably look forward to going to boarding school and ask me to pack him a bag! Cheeky little monkey's aren't they?

banana you sound like you're having a really really rough time and that you've tried everything, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

If CAMHS weren't helpful first time round (I work in CAMHS) then request a re referral to a different professional/team. Also contact childrens services and make a referral yourself.

Try to remember he's only 8 and these behaviours MAY burn out a little as he gets older. A lot of PRUs are v good, that may actually be helpful?

Sorry you've had negative feedback you don't sound like a s**t parent at all. You sound like an understandbly worried frantic Mum at the end of her teather.

That message was meant to be tongue in cheek, but hey ho some people have no humour. There seems to be a lot of 'professional' wallys commenting here.

Oh do try harder, pattie.

Pattie this thread isn't exactly a laugh a minute riot of fun. The OP is totally overwhelmed and threatening her son with banishment effectively. One poster movingly described the effect of her mother threatening social service removal. She says she hasn't trusted her mother since.

The jokes on this thread along the lines of 'naughty kids need a scare from time to time' are totally inappropriate.

i am not trying to 'scare' him...i am trying to do what i can to help him.
situation will not get any worse, it is already as bad as it can be...
hitting otherchildren at school
swearing at the teachers (although to be fair the language i have heard from the other kids there is even worse)
wiping excrement on the walls
breaking windows in our house
alienating all the neighbours children
shouting at me in the street on way home from school...regularly
attacking physically and verbally his younger siblings
i dont really want to go on....but underneath all this behaviour is a lovely, caring, loving boy, he just wont let him out!

What exactly did CAMHS do with your son when he was first referred, Banana?

Only reasonable if you can afford to and would follow through on the threat.

If you are seriously considering it, then yes totally reasonable.

CAMHS have basically done nothing. they drew up a plan for the school to follow, such as giving him extra tasks such as handing out the fruit ant breaktime, teachers having to praise his good behaviour, give him more one to one attention which i agree is hard with the rest of class to cope with.
mainly, what i get from ds is that he seems to spend a lot of time sitting at a desk on his own, in order to keep him from disrupting other pupils.
we also set up a school book which logged his behaviour on a daily basis, this was sent home at end of week and we added our comments of weekend stuff.

'football would have been okay as he loves it, but he was sent off in first game for being too aggressive and spitting at his teammates. other parents complained about his behaviour so we decided it was for ther best if he stopped.'

So you have tried all this stuff - taken him to the gp etc etc

Have you ever tried some long hard slogging discipline? The type that may take weeks to take effect and in this time you all lose the will to live but 'slowly slowly wins the race'?

TBH he sounds 'spoiled' Old fashioned term I know but I have boys ( one mild aspergers) and spitting and agressive beahvior just NOT acceptable

Probably sounds harsh but I ofetn think 'spoiled' children can be the result of lazy parenting. No one wants to be the demon parent constantly bollocking the wayward child but often that is what it takes. It's no fun and it can go on and on - but in the end it benefits the child and whole family

The CAMHS team will help 'teach' you how to deal with ds if you want - but you have to be willing to see it through and it can be relentless hard work. Parenting does not have quick fix answers.

I hope you get things sorted soon

I think you have a deeply unhappy little boy, and he is a little boy, only 8. it does sound as though perhaps you expect, and treat, him as a much older child. 8 is still pretty young, especially for a boy.

I think if he has been offered lots of things to do, and has rejected them, perhaps he actually needs more individual attention rather than being sent away to boarding school where, no doubt, they will discipline him, if that is really what you want.

You say, deep down, he is a nice, loving little boy, and I don't doubt he is. No child is born 'evil' or whatever.

As Dittany pointed out earlier in the thread, referring to another poster, 'priviledged upbringing' means different things to different people. Being offered endless activities doesn't necessarily = happiness. He might be perfectly happy just mucking about at home doing nothing in particular. I wonder if perhaps he was a bit spoilt and then distressed once you had other children and all the attention taken away from him??

Some of his behaviour can be explained as normal childhood behaviour in an 8 year old. My DCs (now mainly grown up) have broken windows on occasion etc but smearing excretement doesn't sound normal, I admit, although could be a one off 'silly' turn.

He may have Aspergers, that is a possibility, in which case it will be difficult to 'help' him in the conventional ways and you will need professional advice.

Please don't write him off as a 'bad' boy. He may be anything but.

i asked the school pyscologist to refer us to a place near us which deals with children like him, but with the whole family involved.
the pyscologist said she didnt think this would work in ds situation and headmaster agreed!
so i went to this place myself, but they said we had to be referred thruogh 'the proper channels'.
doesnt really help in the fact that everytime we meet with school pysco, its always someone different. and they always start the conversation with ' i havent had time to read through all ds s notes so.... why not? thats like someone on mn making a comment on a thread when they havent even been bothered to read the damn thing from the start!

You listed the awful and unacceptable behavious below and say you don't know how to respond to them which is fair enough.. .. but you are not telling us how you DO respond?

i respond mainly by telling him that his behviour (not him) has dissapointed me, and ask him why he did such and such a thing...but he never knows why.
am not a shouty person, hate arguments and confrontation, so try to talk calmly. that does not mean, though, that i let his behaviour go unpunished...usually grounded.

Ok banana the smearing excrement and wilful destruction of property are indicative of a serious behaviour/conduct problem and need immediate attention.

The best way you can get multi-agency involvement is to do so via childrens services (aka social services). I think you need a robust and comprehensive professional intervention not ad hoc advice from a bunch of strangers on the internet. The school can do the referral. He clearly has issues with very low self-esteem and self-worth. Your hunch is right he may well end up in contact with the criminal justice system if an intervention isn't put in place.

Re CAMHS ask for a rereferral from the GP to a psychiatrist not a psychologist who will do a comprehensive mental health and systemic assessment. State that the behaviour problems are of a severity that childrnes services may get involved. If you aren't happy with your local CAMHS ask for an out of area referral to a different team. If they ask you to do Webster Stratton do it, and whatever other interventions they offer. Enlist the help of school, see if someone can go with you to the initial assessment. At the very least take a letter/report along from school with you.

DO IT.

Good Luck.

How do you 'ground' an 8 year old? He is not old enough to be 'grounded'!!!

He is not old enough to know why his behaviour is 'disappointing' either.

You need to start treating him like a child, not a teenager.

what do you mean he is not old enough to be grounded...of course he is!
when the local kids are playing on the park across the road, and he is stuck indoors...thats grounded!

Minx's advice is very good.

I guess he's a bit young and confused to know why he's behaving badly, though. Could you spend some time alone with him playing football or something similar that he's interested in? Then not discuss his bad behaviour and your disappointment, but instead say how pleased you are when he's doing something good. There's so much focus on the bad things. It'd be nice to have some good times with him.

You say that the psychologists never have time to read DS's notes - can you make some clear notes, summarising what has happened and explaining that you want family therapy? Then send it for the psychologist to read before the meeting?

Don't know what else to suggest really. Good luck.

You say he plays in the park - does he play with much older children? I've seen young children sometimes pick up bad habits from the older ones, but not really know how and when they need to behave well, iyswim.

I know this may sound a bit obvious but sometimes children can get labelled as naughty and you get into a cycle of continually telling them off. They don't know how to break the cycle and they just think they're naughty so they don't even try.Just as a suggestion try for a day or two to ignore as much of his 'bad'behaviour as possible and certainly ignore all the things like slouching, bad table manners messy bedroom etc etc and really concentrate on just talking to him. Ask about stuff he's interested in, be it Doctor Who or Guns or rockets or anything but be really interested and if he says anything remotely good really heap on the praise. ' Wow, thats amazing, I didn't know you could do that, were interested in that etc' Read to him but take turns to choose the books and if he wants comics, fine.When he goes to bed tell him how much you enjoyed your chats and what a good boy hes being and just let him remind himself what being a good boy feels like. Tell him how much you love him and how proud you are of him. Only focus on the positive and give him a chance to turnm things around. Also one other remember that you are the adult. Never never get into a situation when you are arguing with him and throwing words backwards and forwards. Imagine the arguement is a ball. When you get into that scenario that we all recognise when you are having an arguement with a child and becoming a child yourself in the process, catch the ball put it down and walk away. Absorb childish comments and do'nt be tempted to bite back. Whan they say something to incite you, and they will just say, 'oh Ok I did,'t realise' and drop the subject. Actually walk away if you need to. Try it it works. Good luck sorry to rant. but I seriously think you shouldn't threaten your children with sending them away anywhere, thats like saying you only love them and want them around if they are good and you are telling them that if they get too naughty you are going to give up on them and let someone else take over. If you seriously are thinking about sending him do it for the right reasons not because you can't cope!!! If you have that much money get in a proffessional nannie to give you some guidance and parenting tips for a few weeks so you can learn what to do for yourself and not palm your children off.

have actually felt so intimidated by headmaster constantly butting in at these meetings with school phsycologist that i got her to come to our house instead!

actually, yes, he does play on the park with 2 older boys at football. they are brothers aged 12 and 13. they have both been in my house and are the most polite children you will ever meet. they say thankyou when you give them a drink, etc. they even take their shoes off OUTSIDE before coming in the house.
if they are not a good example for ds i dont know who is.

That's good, then.

But I'm a bit confused about what you are going to do to get more help? You don't seem to be picking up on any of the family therapy suggestions, for example, other than saying you haven't had much joy yet. You mustn't give up - you may hate arguments and confrontation, but sometimes they are necessary to get people/agencies involved. (I don't mean arguments with your son here, I mean being firm with psychologists iyswim.)

suggest:

go back to camhs, outline all the problem behaviours and ask for help for home (sounds like the focus was school before).

go for family therapy with someone experienced in child behavioural difficulties. This can work wonders.

don't worry too much about the PRU - it could turn out to be a good thing. Doesn't sound like he is getting much out of school at the moment tbh.

don't try to diagnose him. Concentrate on being his Mum, but push the professionals to do their job.