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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

boarding school threat

192 replies

bananalover · 13/06/2010 21:55

AIBU in telling my 8 yr old son that if his disrespectful behaviour continues, I will send him to boarding school?

OP posts:
blinder · 13/06/2010 22:20

Bananalover wouldn't you miss your son? If your feelings towards him are so indifferent, might that not be part of the problem??

Merrylegs · 13/06/2010 22:21

Well if you really are considering boarding school, don't use it as a threat. Otherwise if he does go he will see it as a rejection of him and a punishment and it won't 'sort him out' at all. Rather the opposite, actually.

Are you serious?

scottishmummy · 13/06/2010 22:22

how long have you felt so detached about son banana

cory · 13/06/2010 22:22

The only way this can be reasonable imho is if you are doing it as a joke- and if they know it is a joke. A joke used by a confident parent can be very effective, it is a way of signalling that 'even if things seem bad now, I don't believe they are really that bad, we'll be all right, really'. But it doesn't sound as if that is the place you are in at the moment.

Otherwise it becomes either:

a threat that may frighten and upset him

or

an empty threat that he soon learns to ignore (though at one level it will still make him angry and unhappy)

or

just a meaningless noise

If you are seriously considering boarding school, then you should be doing just that: consider it seriously, as a positive option.

If you feel you are losing control over him, then you need to put your mind to identifying why things are going wrong and what help you can get. Is there anything that could conceivably be upsetting him? Is there anything that could be wrong with him (i.e. mental health issues)? Or could it be that this is normal 8yo stroppiness?

hatesponge · 13/06/2010 22:23

Surely though it's not simply a matter of missing your child but of being at a loss as to what to do/how to ensure they don't end up on the 'wrong path'?

katycarr · 13/06/2010 22:24

Lots of people send their children to boarding school without feeling indifferent about them.

BeenBeta · 13/06/2010 22:25

On a bad day with DSs, DW and I have been known to mutter under our breath - BOARDING SCHOOL!

We dont mean it. Indeed, I loved boarding school at age 11. Liked it better than being at home - so not much of a threat.

Shaz10 · 13/06/2010 22:25

I went to boarding school and bloody loved it. If my mum had used that thread I'd have had the bag packed before she'd finished the sentence!

Shaz10 · 13/06/2010 22:26

Threat, not thread.

MadameDefarge · 13/06/2010 22:27

I wish you well in finding a boarding school who would accept a child who seems to have such behavioural issues...

have you tried CAMHS?

Seriously, there must be something underneath all of this, have you had any external agency help via the school or GP to find out the cause of his behaviour?

As others have said, using it as a threat, which you might carry through sends him the message it would be a punishment...and if you are not prepared to actually do it, then its pointless.

Glitterandglue · 13/06/2010 22:27

OP, since it seems your situation is pretty complicated and you're asking for help, may I suggest Parentline if you haven't already tried it?

0808 800 2222. They may be able to help you, or should be able to signpost you to more appropriate services.

antoinettechigur · 13/06/2010 22:27

Your son sounds very unhappy. Have you sought any help eg from CAMHS?

antoinettechigur · 13/06/2010 22:28

sorry cross posts

Original poster
bananalover · 13/06/2010 22:29

the school have 'bent over backwards' in their efforts to help...but even they are at a loss as to what to do now.
honestly feel that if i shaved his head, i would find 666 there.
no seriosly, he was expelled from nursery fgs for attacking another child with a full lenght mirror...although what they were doing with a mirror that size in nursery i dont know.
just want to help him, love him to bits...dont know how to help him.
boarding school seems to be only answer.

OP posts:
blinder · 13/06/2010 22:31

Katycarr yes of course. But not as a punishment.

scottishmummy · 13/06/2010 22:31

do yourself and son a favour ease up on the derisory comments about him

go gp,school and ask for a review.
are you allocated a family support worker/sw
have all emotional/physical/health aspects been explored

please dont deride your son a wee boy on internet

sorry for your troubles but this isnt the way

hope this resolves

controlfreakery · 13/06/2010 22:32

your tone when writing about him makes you sound v detached and cold... you have said nothing nice or positive about him or your feelings for him.

if i were you i would be seriously questioning my parenting if an 8 yo old was so unwilling to give me any respect / observe reasonable boundaries most of the time etc.

perhaps you need some help (family therapy / parenting classes) or he does (child psych. /CAMHS).

you may be lovelyu but the way you've written about him doesn't make you sound v nice tbh.

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 13/06/2010 22:33

I think you do need to seek advice and support via CAMHS for him. I really do understand that you want him to go to boarding school as you can't think of what else to do, it won't help though, his problems will just continue. Have you spoken to your GP about him?

Tombliboob · 13/06/2010 22:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

cory · 13/06/2010 22:35

I have found CAHMS very helpful (totally different issue), and Parentline too.

Anyway, I think you must stop predicting about the future when dealing with an 8-yo. He is still little, you have lots of time to get him help.

My dd was still having bouts of biting and kicking me at 8 (and indeed at 9): I did not have any worries about her future, because I felt she was still very young and we had time. And indeed 5 years later, her violent behaviour has stopped and we have had help for other problems that we needed help with, and the future looks pretty bright from where I'm sitting.

secunda · 13/06/2010 22:35

you know, a boarding school won't put up with vile behaviour. They will just expel him. They're not going to risk other kids with him, alone in the night, or risk their reputation. It's really not your answer, at least not until his problems are sorted out another way

blinder · 13/06/2010 22:36

Boarding school might curtail his behaviour a bit bananalover but possibly at the cost of his happiness and stability. It's not really the best choice as a form of discipline.

I can understand you being at the end of your tether. Parentline is a very good suggestion. Look out for Oliver james' next book too about 'love bombing' which has had almost miraculous results for high need kids like yours.

piscesmoon · 13/06/2010 22:36

I think that you ought to get some help as suggested above. He is very young and you appear to be writing him off as if someone else can have the problem.

Original poster
bananalover · 13/06/2010 22:38

omg...of course i would miss him, breaks my heart just thinking about it but, yes, its not just a case of if i miss him, its a case of what else can i do?
and no, am not indiferrent to him. hate to say this but , out of my 3 kids, he is my favourite, although i know you shouldnt have faves...he is my firstborn, my special babe, i just dont want him to end up in borstal.

OP posts:
Fruitysunshine · 13/06/2010 22:38

One day when I was around 8 and my sister was around 7 my mum made us both pack a plastic bag of our belongings and walk to the end of a road where she said the social services lady was sitting in a car waiting to take us away for misbehaving. We got to the bottom of the path and she shouted us both back.

I remember it as clear as day, have never trusted my mum since and can't put into words what I think about OP's thread. The feelings it has left behind will never go away.