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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

boarding school threat

192 replies

bananalover · 13/06/2010 21:55

AIBU in telling my 8 yr old son that if his disrespectful behaviour continues, I will send him to boarding school?

OP posts:
blinder · 13/06/2010 23:10

Bananalover the problem is probably you I say this with compassion. You don't listen. He is probably frustrated out of his mind. This means that you can solve this.

Family therapy.

scaryteacher · 13/06/2010 23:11

If he likes the reaction his bad behaviour gets, then ignore the behaviour and don't react. This is really hard and will take time, but if you ignore the bad, praise the good and he realises that the attention for the bad behaviour is withdrawn, he may eventually stop.
We had to do this with several students at school, and it eventually worked after a couple of terms with some of them, but we had to be consistent with it and it was bloody hard work at times.

Original poster
bananalover · 13/06/2010 23:15

scottishmummy...you seem to have a real issue with me???
no, my sons behaviour did not suddenley materialise after i had another child...as you would know if you had read that his behaviour began to get aggressive when he was at nursery...aged 3!
his issues started way before his sibling came on the scene...in fact...and i hate to admit this but...we decided to have a 2nd child BECAUSE the phschologist at his nursery suggested that a sibling might calm his behaviour down....and yes, before you ask, that was the main reason we had another child...for his supposed benefit

OP posts:
Original poster
bananalover · 13/06/2010 23:18

scaryteacher...you sound just like my sons teacher....and i think he is brilliant. but last meeting i had with him about 2 weeks ago, he was at a loss as to what to do next, apart from pupil referral unit.

OP posts:
cory · 13/06/2010 23:18

I still think you should:

a) insist on more help- ask to be referred to CAHMS again, get family therapy etc

b) not use boarding school as a threat (and your OP showed that's what you do) if you think it might be a solution. It can be one or the other- threat or solution- but it can't possibly be both.

Athrawes · 13/06/2010 23:18

My Dad used to threaten to have us put in care. I used to WISH he would as it would have been better than being at home.

borderslass · 13/06/2010 23:19

I agree with scaryteacher dd2 was terrible when younger and that's what we did, it took a long time and a lot of patience, tongue biting and hard work. we also had 1 day a month where it was just dd2 and me time for the whole day and she really enjoyed that special time.

RockinSockBunnies · 13/06/2010 23:20

You say your son has had a privileged childhood - how exactly? Have you simply given him everything he wants and failed to give him the structure and time that he needs?

Your replies are all very defensive and fail to answer fundamental questions as to exactly what CAHMS have said, what the school has said and how you have gone about finding a reason for his behaviour?

I went to an independent boarding school and I can reiterate what other posters have said - a private school can pick and choose its pupils and won't be thrilled at taking on a child with behavioural issues that will disrupt things for other children. Even if they did take him on, given what you've said on this thread, they'd very soon expel him.

Perhaps stop passing the buck and examine what is going on with your family?

MadameDefarge · 13/06/2010 23:21

forgive me for thinking that any mental health professional who thought introducing another child into a family would calm down a troubled child is totally bonkers...and then the idea you dutifully toddled off and got pregnant...

Nope. How stupid are you? Or rather, how stupid do you think we are?

If you have had these problems for five years, I am astonished at your utter ignorance of child pyschology, development, attachment issues, family dynamics...

Ugh.

cory · 13/06/2010 23:22

I think part of the problem for MNers, bananalover, is that your posts reveal a good deal of bitterness towards your son, they reveal some age inappropriate comments you seem to have made to him, but they tell us very little of exactly what his problems are (you have only really given details of one incident and that was years ago), and very little that shows us how persistent you have been about getting referrals to things like new specialists or family therapy. It is all about you and very little about your son.

jasper · 13/06/2010 23:22

bananalover I seem to be the only person here who thinks (or is prepared to admit) that your suggestion of boarding school seems like a reasonable solution to a very difficult problem that you seem to have tried to address in every other way.
I would continue to consider it if I were you.
Good luck, this must be so hard.

NiceShoes · 13/06/2010 23:23

You seem to have anger issues maybe the common denominating factor in all of this is you? Lots of posters have contributed,perhaps act on their suggestions. Did you read that Cory went back and forth to CAMHS for six years?

MadameDefarge · 13/06/2010 23:24

well jasper, you can join bananalover in the lalaland that thinks that any boarding school wants kids with supposedlly severe behavioural problems...

hatesponge · 13/06/2010 23:33

This is all so predictable.

OP, clearly at a loss as to what to do next, posts.

Everyone piles in telling her she's a crap parent, and why hasnt she sought help.

OP says she has sought help, been through CAHMS etc and it hasn't resolved the situation.

Cue everyone piling back in for round 2 telling her that she hasn't done it properly.

And a shout or two of troll.

Frankly, the different environment of boarding school might well help the OP's son. It might not. But I suspect the OP is better placed to know than most people on this thread.

I have said earlier in the thread I would consider it for my sons, although we are not at that stage yet. No doubt that also makes me a shit parent and/or a fool. Nice.

cory · 13/06/2010 23:35

hatesponge, might it possibly be because some of us have experience of trying to get help for our own troubled children and know how many times you have to keep trying before you write them off?

also because some of us have experience of boarding schools and know how difficult it can be to survive there for a child with issues?

MadameDefarge · 13/06/2010 23:37

ah, hatesponge, you reading the same thread? Lots of good advice, no engagement with it...jokey nasty put downs of child... a pattern, you think? Lots of folk were careful to say we were not aware of full circs...but don't bloody post in AIBU if all you want to do is vent about your devil child... because it will get you nowhere...post in SN or relationships or somewhere else, and dont bloody post with a thread title that threatens a vulnerable, troubled small child with banishment...

Gets peoples backs up? You think?

jasper · 13/06/2010 23:37

you see madamedeFarge people do not like to speak out against the crowd in case they get insulted by comments like yours.

Good post hatesponge. That's you, me and OP all together in lalaland.

MadameDefarge · 13/06/2010 23:38

And quite frankly, anyone who cites the royal family as a good example to us all is getting off lightly being called just a troll....

MadameDefarge · 13/06/2010 23:40

What do you not understand about boarding schools, Jasper? You think they accept children with well documented, severe behavioural issues? Or maybe just mini borstals do...

NorwegianBlue · 13/06/2010 23:43

I don't know whether boarding schools accept children with well documented severe behavioural issues, but I do know that they certainly turn them out.

MadameDefarge · 13/06/2010 23:43

And just to spell it out to you, most boarding schools are private, those who are not of charitable status go where the money is, and money does not want their children to be mixing with "bad" children. Therefore most boarding schools will refuse to accept a child who does not conform to their norm.

MadameDefarge · 13/06/2010 23:44

Indeed. Norwegian...indeed.

scaryteacher · 13/06/2010 23:44

Boarding school would have the advantage of removing him from the situation.

I don't think you are a crap parent OP, but I do think perhaps you can't see the wood for the trees at the moment. If you have been living with this situation for a long time, then you will be feeling frustrated and angry as well, and feel you can't deal with it for much longer.

It may be a case of any attention is 'good' attention, but if you withdraw attention for the bad behaviour and only give it for the good, the penny may drop.

Does he have his own space and not have to share a bedroom with his brother?

scaryteacher · 13/06/2010 23:51

'What do you not understand about boarding schools, Jasper? You think they accept children with well documented, severe behavioural issues?' I know a couple that do and specialise in EBDs and one of my friends teaches at one of them in Devon, so they do exist actually.

cory · 13/06/2010 23:51

The concept of boarding schools for troubled children seems very popular in the US. I don't know whether there are such boarding schools in the UK or not. If you do choose to go down the boarding school route, I think you need to be very selective about the school you pick.

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