boarding school threat

[bananalover]

AIBU in telling my 8 yr old son that if his disrespectful behaviour continues, I will send him to boarding school?

That being so, why would anybody threaten their kids with it when it might be a positive solution?

See previous post from me Cory - they do exist.

Given that the OP is an adult and has told us what she has tried so far, but has not chosen to share with us in minute detail every detail of every appointment and who said what to whom, could we try to be at least a little constructive for her? She doesn't have to give us a blow by blow account to prove her credentials; she seems to be looking for some advice as to routes she could try that she hasn't as yet. I find the level of aggression towards the OP rather astounding. Perhaps the joky language is her way of coping?

Some children do this because they can; I've seen it with children of friends and with students. It is very rare, but it does happen sometimes.

scaryteacher, all of your points have been made before on this thread, but she lost my sympathy when she spouted that crap about the royal family...

so, take the positive input bananalover, and think about how you construct the way you deal with your pain about your son...to disinterested outsiders it sounds awful. For all of you. And that is something for you to work through, not your son.

And also scary, I mentioned ODD, and asked if that had been talked about...OP did not answer. It is rude to ask for advice and not engage....I am assuming she does not know what I am talking about (which is worrying) or has just dismissed my question...fine. but don't expect sympathy if you are not prepared to answer a few questions...especially in AIBU.

I did try to be constructive. I suggested going back to CAHMS as my experience has taught me that often you need more than one referral, to give them the whole picture and maybe to see more than one specialist.

The OP has not responded to that suggestion in any other way than irritably reiterating that noone can help her.

I also suggested family therapy- this was not intended as criticism of her parenting but as a genuine suggestion: I know it has worked and can work for people.

Other posters suggested other routes: again, not a thank you from the OP, just more muttering about Borstal. Yes, MadameDefarge did lose her temper with her, but the OP does not seem to distinguish between that and all the helpful suggestions that have been made.

Of course she does not have to share everything in minute detail, but is it so wrong to try to share a little of my own experience with her. And my experience (of a rather different situation admittedly) is that it took a long time to get appropriate help, and the fact that various specialists told me from time to time that there was nothing to be done for dd was not actually the end of the story. If someone had told me that, I would have been encouraged.

well cory, I hope you are not suggesting all my suggestions prior the RF nonsense were unhelpful....

I suggested going private for assessments, I supported SM's suggestion of family therapy, I said she undoubtably loved her son..

In fact I think I was pretty damn supportive....

But there does come a point point where you think, this is just bullshit....

which I probably should have spotted in the thread title.

Mea culpa.

And for what its worth, it took me six years to get my son diagnosed properly with his SN, and that was only when I threw money at it...after selling my home to fund it...so I do know a bit about what you will do as parent to help your child.

She says she has been to CAHMS - I would assume that they are on the ball and have suggested ODD to her. If a board is moving fast, then she perhaps can't say thanks for everything, and I don't think it is rude to ask for advice and then not engage, given that she had been told to get this off MN and have the thread deleted.

I appreciate what you are saying Cory, but the CAHMS provision may be different where you live.

I do not think the OP's son is being scapegoated however; been there, done that, but we do not know the effect this is having on the OPs marriage and her other kids and how she is managing to keep everyone else's interests balanced in all this. A lot of the aggression seemed a knee jerk reaction to the words boarding school; these schools meet a need that several of us have and do sterling work with the kids that attend them, and turn out well balanced human beings.

perhaps calling Op "stupid " referring to her "utter ignorance" and ending critical posts with the work "ugh" may make her feel less inclined to engage in debate?

OF course I didn't, Madame, you were included in the "helpful suggestions that have been made". But it seems like they don't count for much...

good , constructive posts, scaryteacher

Scaryteacher, I think you may be overinterpreting other posters' attitude towards boarding school: the only one I have any experience of was a very good one indeed and excellent in pastoral support, so I have no reason to be negative about them. Some posters are clearly negative about boarding schools. Doesn't mean everyone who makes a suggestion to the OP has to be. But I think it is reasonable enough to suggest to the OP that if you are going to use boarding school as a positive solution, then you cannot first use it as a threat.

Agreed Cory, but I'm not sure she saw it as a positive solution, just a solution. Anyhow, I am an hour ahead of you and must go to bed as I have more GCSE marking tomorrow.

There are schools that specialise in helping very disturbed children, but they are few and far between, incredibly expensive and accessed (in general) with a full diagnosis and after trying many other behavioural interventions (and for most people require lots of support from the child health team and a great deal of pleading with SS that this is really the only option). They really are not the same as ordinary boarding schools, who would probably have as little idea how to cope with a highly disruptive child as any other ordinary school.

This sounds like TLES's threads.

Have you been down the SEN route OP? Has he been statemented/what was the outcome? What were the terms of the CAHMS referral?

I think boarding school/residential unit is a little premature at this stage TBH.

havent read the whole thread

but can you follow through on this threat?

There is no point making a threat that you cannot keep.

And my son loves boarding school!

I would think that saying this to a child would just make them think that sending people away is the way to deal with a problem. It doesnt teach them how to negotiate or sort out an issue.

To be fair, we don't know how the OP behaves round her ds; we just know that she is very frustrated now. That does not prove that she has caused the situation by the way she has behaved in the past.

Nothing against boarding school- my ds is 9 and boards; but it does seem an inappropriate threat. The child could read it as saying that if his behaviour doesn't improve you won't love him any more and will send him away.

8 is a really difficult age for boys- big testosterone surge when they don't really have the mental capacity to deal with it. IMO you should be trying to find out from him what is making him angry/unhappy and why he behaves horribly, making it clear that there is NOTHING which he could do which would stop you loving him- you're on HIS side. He's also old enough to begin to understand why he needs to behave better for his own sake.

Then send him to baording school!

I really feel for OP, and am with Scottishmum - I think you should push further (though it's really hard, and puts a strain on everything else) for assessment and family therapy. As others have said, you really need to get to the bottom of what is causing this behavior.

But you are missing the point, bananalover. If you really think boarding school is the solution then present it to him as an exciting, attractive option, as a positive place, not as a last resort because you can't cope with him. Or he will go feeling rejected rather than hopeful and that would be a terrible start to what you hope is a new beginning, wouldn't it? Or are you always so negative in your approach? (Oh, and the 'threat' of boarding school. That all came from you. It's there in your title.)

(And really. Did your 8 year old's teacher suggest the pupil referral unit? Really truly? Is he at risk of being excluded from school?)

Responding to OP, and have only skim read the thread.

Bananalover, FWIW I know what you're trying to say. Our youngest DS was a very difficult baby/toddler/young child. He would tantrum for hours, be extremely aggressive and violent. None of the discipline methods we tried worked (naughty step, removal of priviliges etc when old enough). One day, he repeatedly rammed his knees against his bedroom door for an hour, and his knee caps were black and blue. He was four. I had repeatedly been to the GP since he was a furious tiny baby, convinced that he might have been in pain. Nothing was ever found. He ruled our house for the first five years of his life. He hated change, and any tiny upset sent him in to a horrendous rages. Eventually, I contacted the school nurse and we were referred to a paediatrician. After a full assessment, she told us that he was exceptionally bright in some areas, but a normal 4 and a half year old in his emotional and physical development. This disparity caused him huge frustration. He could grasp concepts he wasn't emotionally mature enough to process, and melt downs followed. Once I had an explanation, I could work with him. We got in touch with Barnadoes, and they sent a worker 'round once a week. She was wonderful and helped us get out of the negative attention cycle (don't get me wrong, I know how hard that is when all you are getting is aggression and violence). DS2 is now 7, and he is a different child. He can still have melt downs, but now the triggers are easier to identify, and i know that there is a sweet, loving little boy behind the screaming accusations. Accepting that he has a challenging personality made all of our lives so much better, instead of trying to change part of his make up (he IS contrary, he DOES like confrontation, he IS stubborn). Now we focus on getting him to understand that elements of his personality need reigning in for his own sake.

This is a bit of a ramble, but I read your posts and I knew exactly where you were, IYSWIM. I've been on my knees and worried about the future for my small, furious son. You can turn it around. IME, sending a child like this away adds to the problem. DS2 is, at heart, an insecure, frightened little boy. I suspect your son might be the same. Has he been assessed?