Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we should look after our own children?

423 replies

ContentedVanilla · 13/06/2010 15:28

Why do people choose to have children if they don't want to actually do the job of looking after them? What are you getting out of it if someone else is looking after them?

If you and your partner both want a full time career then why have you chosen to have a child?

I'm not just being a bitch, I really am genuinely curious as to what people's reasons are and what makes them want children.

I read on another thread that a lady dreads the days she is not at work but at home with her child. Is it a case of not realising what it will really be like until you've done it?

OP posts:
helyg · 13/06/2010 20:53

But, as others have already mentioned, are dads questioned as much when they work 50+ hours a week and barely see their children?

I was brought up believing that I had as much right as my male classmates to get good grades, go to university and have a good career. Nobody mentioned that I should forfeit my right to have children in the process.

As it happens I work part time, in a job which fits around my DC's school hours. Before they were school age they were looked after by family while I worked. But I did go back to work when they were pretty young (DS1 was 5 months, DS2 was 9 months and DD was 4 months), partly because I needed to be at work for my own sanity. Perhaps that makes me selfish, I think it makes me a happier and more well balanced mum.

IsGraceAvailable · 13/06/2010 20:54

Violet, you stole my joke, you naughty girl. Oh, look, you've stolen my drink now, too!

In a previous life, I was a nanny. Therefore I obviously think it's not wrong for a mother to choose a more stimulating life. Speaking in words of one syllable for 2 - 10 years holds a different appeal for different people. Nobody slags off SAHMs (except ignorant men) and nobody has the right to dictate another's choices.

Are there any cheesy breadsticks left?

scoobydoolady · 13/06/2010 20:54

ha ha ha ha ha

what a funny thread!

scottishmummy · 13/06/2010 20:54

let me offer comestibles bought as a result of neglecting my children. ah who said working doesnt pay

chin chin

posieparker · 13/06/2010 20:55

MrsS....I just don't get it, sorry. Obviously I meant pre school, just in case that wasn't clear.

As for advice for my dcs, boys and girl. It's all the same. Choose a good career, get to the top fast and then you have choices when you have a family. Get a fellowship, get your own business whatever. Unfortunately I have started to subtly suggesting this to my dd far more, because she'll be taking maternity leave!

A friend of mine has the most enviable profession and is the top of her game, she gets all the respect of someone working full time but only does part time hours and part time work.

MrsSchadenfreude · 13/06/2010 20:55

I love a party with a happy atmosphere...

posieparker · 13/06/2010 20:58

No gender bias here. I hope either a Mum or Dad could spend less time working, or ideally both.

ginhag · 13/06/2010 20:58

Next round??

TheCoalitionNeedsYou · 13/06/2010 20:59

It's because they need an heir to leave the estate too obv.

Looking after your OWN childen is terribly middle class. Everyone else gets someone else to look after theirs.

MrsSchadenfreude · 13/06/2010 20:59

But what if your DD gets a faabulous career and falls in love and breeds with the man in Tesco? Who should be the SAH parent then?

posieparker · 13/06/2010 21:00

The dcs father.

Portofino · 13/06/2010 21:01

Well I calculate that there are 168 hours in the week. I work for 37 of them. Maybe add 5 hours a week commuting time. So 42 hours. Exactly 25%! The rest of the time I am home with dd. I like to sleep, but....

violethill · 13/06/2010 21:01

Cheers ginhag!

Mustn't get plastered though...... I've got to go to WORK tomorrow. No sitting around watching Jeremy Kyle for me! ROFL

ginhag · 13/06/2010 21:01

pmsl at getting your own business meaning you have choices. You either want to have a business or you don't. It is not the 'easy,fit around your life' thing that so many people seem to assume.

Anyway, I digress. Anyone for the conga?

scottishmummy · 13/06/2010 21:02

as i said i do love a good why have children/working mums thread.largely because until mn i had no idea people really thought like this

yes i know there are fluff and fold domestic goddesses like princess twinkletits on telly but in real life....

in my work experience and that of friends you get up the nelly duff,have it, and return to work

wasnt aware it was a big deal until i read all the mn handwringing or histrionics

anyhoo, comestibles?sparkling water?refreshing wipe? or as you were

secunda · 13/06/2010 21:03

The answer is simple. Get a dossy middle-class job, like SamCam being 'creative adviser' and all these columnists writing about 'Lifestyle' and how they do all these terribly stimulating activities with their DC. Then you can be smug in every way.

posieparker · 13/06/2010 21:04

My parents had their own business and had built it sufficiently to let other people run it whilst they had breaks for us.

secunda · 13/06/2010 21:04

princess twinkletits - that shall be my new name

violethill · 13/06/2010 21:05

'Fluff and fold'! I'm loving that!

I might cut down my work hours so I can come home early and fluff and fold!

gaelicsheep · 13/06/2010 21:05

Well I truly believe that a happy and fulfilled adult makes a better parent than one who really doesn't enjoy the drudgery of being at home 24/7, the cringemaming parent & toddler groups - having to bake cakes to be in the "in" crowd, the bitchiness, the cliquiness - the loneliness if you don't want to partake in all that crap.

When I went back to work full time when DS was 6 months (a necessity in our circumstances) I went through so much guilt, and that was even with DH staying at home to look after him. The judgy pants on display when I went to the local P&T group on my morning off (I compressed my hours) meant I only bothered to go twice.

This time around I am again going back full time after 6 months. This time I will not be so guilty or so precious about it. DS has been to nursery part time for 3 years and thrived on it. If DH wants to/is able to find a part time or full time job he will go for it, because we know our children have not/will not be damaged by good quality care.

Also, there is nothing worse than having no money to do anything with your child when you are at home - having to think twice before even taking a trip to the nearest park because of the petrol costs, etc. If we were in that position again I would say a hundred times over that it would be better for us both to work and have some proper quality time at the weekends.

posieparker · 13/06/2010 21:06

Real life is that most people do think, but dare not say, that putting a child in full time nursery at three months is really sad.

posieparker · 13/06/2010 21:06

Real life is that most people do think, but dare not say, that putting a child in full time nursery at three months is really sad.

scottishmummy · 13/06/2010 21:08

maybe in certain circles yes.not mine.friends recommended baby room for us.that they had used

scottishmummy · 13/06/2010 21:08

maybe in certain circles yes.not mine.friends recommended baby room for us.that they had used

secunda · 13/06/2010 21:09

Handing over kids to someone else at an early age is what built the British empire