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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we should look after our own children?

423 replies

ContentedVanilla · 13/06/2010 15:28

Why do people choose to have children if they don't want to actually do the job of looking after them? What are you getting out of it if someone else is looking after them?

If you and your partner both want a full time career then why have you chosen to have a child?

I'm not just being a bitch, I really am genuinely curious as to what people's reasons are and what makes them want children.

I read on another thread that a lady dreads the days she is not at work but at home with her child. Is it a case of not realising what it will really be like until you've done it?

OP posts:
autodidact · 13/06/2010 21:09

I like my job but essentially am back at work f/t after having my daughter 10 months ago because we could not pay the mortgage without my salary. Ironically, when my older ones were little and we had no mortgage and v low rent I couldn't afford to work. They're twins and 2 x childcare fees was more than the paltry sum I was earning at the time. But I am looking after my children just as much now as I was then. It's just we're a peregrine falcon family now, with both parents leaving the nest to find prey for our hungry babies.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 13/06/2010 21:10

Sad it may be, but a necessity for many. Maybe Frank Field and hiis "unithinkable policies" should be paying mothers of the under ones to be at home rather than enabling them to pay someone else to look after their child while they work.

ginhag · 13/06/2010 21:12

Well done your parents pp. That does not make a watertight argument for the idea that running your own business is the most flexible and accomodating option. You can't always get those timings just right. Life just isn't that straightforward.

But as I said, I don't work ft (am running my business into the ground instead ) so this isn't about me...

I just HATE all these threads on mn recently where people get their mahoosive judgeypants on about other people's lifechoices, without taking into account that there are a million reasons why people end up living and parenting in different ways. It is not all black and white and I am sick of ops that seem to set out to get mners at each other's throats..

right. Tequila time!

Altinkum · 13/06/2010 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 13/06/2010 21:14

recession and pay mums to be at home dont be daft.we need to conserve money not waste it.there are swinging fiscal cuts coming without wasting money.given that most sahm receive no salary no need to pay since they have demonstrated they would do it unpaid anyway

clemettethecoalitionbreaker · 13/06/2010 21:26

The fundamental question is "why do we bother having children if..." Surely for most of us it is a biological imperative to further the survival of the species.
The "point" of having children has changed through history. For millenia tribes/societies/(very recently) families had children to ensure care for the elderly, to work the land, to earn money to help support the family, and simply beause there was no way to stop having them. The very concept that the OP posts of people choosing to have children so they can dedicate their entire productive years to micro-managing their every second is a very, very RECENT idea, and one solely confined to rich, industrialised nations. So recent in fact that it would be considered pretty insignificant historically.

My children are not the be all and end all of my life. I have SAHM friends who make sure they have outside interests so that their children also don't entirely define their lives. Just as these women didn't give up outside interests/work when they got married (or are we also saying "what is the point of getting married if you let other people spend time with your husband?")

I had children hoping that they become adults that will help make society better. If you had them, OP, to give yourself something to do, or to somehow fulfil YOURSELF then I would have to question which one of us was the most selfish.

IsGraceAvailable · 13/06/2010 21:29

Recession or boom, there is NO WAY I'd consider it reasonable to pay someone for looking after their own kids. What an absurd idea! I didn't need you to have DCs, your baby contributes nothing to my quality of life or the community at large. Get over yourselves.

I'm going out for a fag now, who's got that bottle of Cabernet?

pointydog · 13/06/2010 21:29

Altinkum, have you been to Altinkum?

TheBoyWithaSORNedMX5 · 13/06/2010 21:35

"But I am looking after my children just as much now as I was then"

That's what I was trying to say earlier, when I asked who exactly was "looking after" the DCs of working parents.

Keeping a roof over our heads, putting food on the table, being a role model, helping with homework, going for a bike ride together (and the rest) - what are these things if they're not looking after my child?

Altinkum · 13/06/2010 21:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnnieLobeseder · 13/06/2010 21:37
pointydog · 13/06/2010 21:41

yes, went to altinkum in..ooo.. 1994 I think. You can choose nicer places than altinkum though, can't you?

FortunateHamster · 13/06/2010 21:41

Oh PP, if only all parents could do EXACTLY the same thing as your parents, wouldn't life be tremendous! I am so sorry I didn't build up my own business (even though I have no interest in doing that) just so I could procreate. Or I suppose the alternative was finding a rich man instead of the man I love?

Oh I have made so many mistakes! cry

missorinoco · 13/06/2010 21:46

Eh?
I cam on here before the weekend, and this was going under a different title. I feel like I am in Groundhog Day.

In answer to the OP, .

missorinoco · 13/06/2010 21:47

Eh?
I came on here before the weekend, and this was going under a different title. I feel like I am in Groundhog Day.

In answer to the OP, .

Original poster
ContentedVanilla · 13/06/2010 21:57

Actually I have been doing laundry, ironing etc (whoever it was who said that) and that's why I haven't answered questions people have asked of me til now

Sorry I can't remember who exactly asked what as there are so many posts.

What do I think fathers should do? - Well I never said in the OP that it should be the woman who stays at home, I was criticising couples who both work full time. I feel that one of them, either the mother or the father should stay at home.

Also, I was not criticising people who work part time, I was criticising couples where they both work full time.

I also said people who choose to work full time, not people who have to in order to survive. Although I don't believe that many families have to have both parents in full time work to survive.

Someone asked what I did before children and if I was educated - I am educated to degree level and worked in IT. I didn't love my job, I liked it most days and was sad about leaving.

I continued to work part time for a while after having the children before deciding to leave.

I don't have a cleaner, ironing person or anything like that.

I don't wear designer clothes.

OP posts:
violethill · 13/06/2010 22:02

You seem to have a lot of opinions about what other people should do.

How's about you don't worry about other people, but leave them to decide whether it is best for their family to have one, both or neither parent working? After all, as the parents, they know their children, and their circumstances best?

And how's about you get back to your ironing?

scottishmummy · 13/06/2010 22:03

why bother isnt as if anyone will have an ephiphany and say yes yes i waas wrong.oh beat me now for being absent and avaricious

we both work fulltime by choice not compulsion
i love working,have no intention of not doing so.

clemettethecoalitionbreaker · 13/06/2010 22:04

Do you ever secretly worry that your children would be happier in the company of other children their age than in yours?

I taught for many years. I genuinely couldn't say that the children who were unhappy/had the most problems/were the most disruptive came from a particular background or from parents who made particular choices.

Let's face it - you stay at home because YOU want to. That doesn't give you the right to tell people who don't want to that they are doing something wrong.

AnnieLobeseder · 13/06/2010 22:05

Can I send my children back now that I know I was so wrong to have them in the first place? Dammit, I didn't keep the receipt!

violethill · 13/06/2010 22:08

Hear hear clemette!

It might fulfil your needs to stay home, but it doesn't mean your children will turn out any different. If it's what you like doing then fine,go ahead - though I can't help wondering why someone who is perfectly content with their life choices would start a thread like this .......

Portofino · 13/06/2010 22:10

I'm with Clemette. Children NEVER stayed home just with mummy til recently. Quality time is a recent, western invention. Children these days are getting more "entitled". It is not necessarily a good thing!

scottishmummy · 13/06/2010 22:13

both my parents worked fulltime.necessity not choice.fantastic parents.great role models. we didnt suffer by having working parents. it has given us a robust work ethic and sense of self

funnysinthegarden · 13/06/2010 22:14

OK people. What side are we on ? Trolls or nay?

Maylee · 13/06/2010 22:16

Yuck.......absolutely hate judgemental attitudes like this.....

Let me break it down:

  • Many parents HAVE to work full time. End of story. Dont care that you dont agree or understand why. Not your life, not your business.

  • Some parents CHOOSE to work full time so that they can progress their careers - reaping longer term financial benefits (i.e - if I work hard now, I might get promoted in a few years meaning I can buy a property, move elsewhere, afford a holiday, etc).

  • As a single parent, I work full time to set a good example for my child. I don't want to rely on state handouts when I am perfectly fit and able to work.

OP - If you are genuine (which I doubt), then you need to get a life and stop judging other people. Moight come back to bite you in the arse one day.