To think we should look after our own children?

[ContentedVanilla]

Why do people choose to have children if they don't want to actually do the job of looking after them? What are you getting out of it if someone else is looking after them?

If you and your partner both want a full time career then why have you chosen to have a child?

I'm not just being a bitch, I really am genuinely curious as to what people's reasons are and what makes them want children.

I read on another thread that a lady dreads the days she is not at work but at home with her child. Is it a case of not realising what it will really be like until you've done it?

scottishmummy. How are you this evening? Fancy a glass of wine...? there's a nice rioja open (best get in quick though!)

Mumtolawyer, I think that justifying yourself to the OP will delight rather than annoy her.

Have a drink with me and sm instead...

the nub of this is inability to conceive purposeful intent and enthusiasm about returning to work.i wasnt coerced,dragged,crying i was happy to return to work.

i always knew id work ft after having my children.was always part of the plan.dp and i had it all discussed,done and dusted.right down to booking nursery place at 12wk pg

not solely defined by motherhood.
working and motherhood define me.

i proffer my garlic stuffed olives, and bread sticks

wine stoating......ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

I think if people are happy and fulfilled, they won't feel the need to start threads whinging about other people's choices. It's when people are feeling insecure, or threatened, or downright resentful or envious, that they do.

Perhaps we ought to feel sorry for the OP actually. Perhaps she never had a very interesting job in the first place so she had nothing much to give up. Perhaps she had a career but wasn't very successful in it. Perhaps she'd really like to be working, but actually her DH isn't as rich as she likes to think, and they can't afford childcare. Perhaps she's unhappily married. Perhaps her DH is bored with her and her narrow minded life. Perhaps she's shit scared about what will happen if she gets divorced and can't support herself. Perhaps she doesn't have any pension provision and is secretly bricking it about what happens in the future.

One thing is certain : if she had made a totally positive, secure decision to stay at home, she wouldn't be starting a thread like this.

mumtolawyer - My job is almost as important to me as she is...

Are you serious??

Gawd, if we're Troll feeding again, couldn't it be a bit, y'know, original???

Throw a spanner in op, not a soaked up sponge!

It's sunday evening, could have religion, hangovers, the content of the Sunday papers. But no, the S v H debate.

Pull something bigger out than that

I'm afraid you come across as a bit unimaginative and narrow minded in your OP.

Obviously, there are various reasons why both partners might choose to work ft.
-It may be a financial necessity

-It may be that both enjoy their careers, are good at their jobs, have trained a long time to get there.

-It may be that they take a longer term approach and realise that, if one partner, (usually the mother) were to take perhaps 8-10 years out until all the children were at school, she would be unable to return to work I her field because she would have become deskilled and unable to compete with the people who had not taken time off.

• It may be that (she) does not want to spend all of her time with her children (shock horror) and feels that a balance of care between mum/ dad is the best option for their family.

Being a good mum/ dad is not about spending every second of your time with the children.
It is about so much more!
There are good mums/dads who SAH and good mums/dads who work part or full time.

eviltwins- I think the possibility of becoming sad/ bitter/ unfulfilled is a very real consideration for a long term SAHM.
My own mother became a SAHM and never went back to work (having worked in a well respected field prior to children). Sadly, she has turned from an energetic, enthusiastic, intelligent person into someone who gets overly upset with trifling problems, unable to multi task, petty, resentful, lacking in self confidence and frequently unable to empathise at all with her adult children, I honestly think that she would have been so much more happy and fulfilled if she had returned to work.
I have friends who had mothers who stayed at home and mothers who worked full time. A lot of those who had working mothers have particularly close relationships with them, call them every day, etc.

OP, I work, always have, it is part of what I am. I beleive the work I do makes me a better person, more grounded too. A lot of the people I come across in my working life have very blinkered views of the world, some live in extreme poverty; some have never had to lift a finger for money both seeing work as an inconvenience. I have a strong case of the good old Anglo Saxon work ethic. My mother always worked, her mother always worked. I would love to spend more time with my DS, but my DH would never earn enough money in a month of Sunday's to maintain the family, but he earn's too much for us to claim any sort of welfare benefit. OP, take the time and see what the eligibility criteria for tax credits are some time. OK so I work, but I am also a mum, both are aprt of what I am. I don't judge anyone else's choices, so don't judge mine.

Well I probably fit in the group that could "afford" not to work....but I unexpectedly found myself PG, just at the point when my career was taking off and I was finally earning enough to pay for a few luxuries. No bloody way was I going to put myself on the poverty line so that I could stay home, watch Cbeebies and go slowly insane.

I like not having to worry about every penny, I like to be able to go on holiday, I like it that dd can do dancing, or pony riding, or whatever she is interested in because this was not available to me as a child. I know that I am a lot more fortunate that many others. Maybe you can say I am selfish. My dd is a happy, healthy, confident little girl, who has many more opportunities than I did, and who know that both her parents love her madly. But I don't give a stuff what anyone else thinks.

Cheers for the olives and breadsticks sm! I've got some lovely cheese and crackers...and probably another bottle of wine somewhere.

This sort of OP is quite simply intended to make the Mumsnet Massive fall out amongst themselves, get defensive and generally unhappy. It's not AIBU but HWUCYG?

And I for one say, 'fuck off. we are having drinks and nibbles.'

My first mistake was marrying a man who will never have the earning power for me not to work. My next mistake was having lots of children. We had the option many years ago of either him continuing to work all the hours god sends (literally- nights out and all) so that I could be alone with the children 24 hours a day 6 days a week, or he could work 40 hours like everyone else and I could work too.

Having chosen the latter we couldn't then "go back" when we then had a late baby. The option was have her, and put her in nursery, or have an abortion. That stark. I suppose OP you think I should have picked the abortion?

I work to pay the mortgage, and the council tax, and the water, and the electricity, and the gas, and the food . I should really trade DH in for a better model.

Why don't we go the whole hog and say it really isn't worth educating girls because they should be at home with their children... that would solve the country's economic problems at a stroke! Oh wait. It isn't 1947 is it?

I think the OP is spot on, maybe uncomfortable for some to read, but I genuinely wonder why bother having children if you hardly see them during the week? Especially when people have three or four, there's simply not enough time in a weekend to give anyone a week's worth of attention.

Surely having children should be life changing. There are not that many people that work full time, both parents, that couldn't drop a day a week. For those people earning a lower wage there are tax credits. Most people don;t want to compromise that nice Audi or fifth bedroom for the sake of their children. It's very sad.

This is not about working parents, I know a fair few who don't work but still rarely see their dcs. This is about caring for your children and spending time with them. This is about those who have the choice and make a selfish one.

scottishmummy's breadsticks,anyone?

clichétastic threads are the most entertaining - like bingo you know your fave phrase will come up eventually

the delicious kerching anticipation of someone saying

well why have children if you let strangers watch them

the rattle of biddulph tambourine

the spurious research from shitsville yooni

the anecdotal i know someone who said/i worked in a nursery where dey beat dem weans

love it,love it

Incidentally, I don't have a full time career. Just don't believe in being Judgey McJudgersons from fucking Judgeville.

Mine's a large gin please.

I think the same of people who send their dcs to boarding school.

This might be a slightly out-of-order thing to say, posie, but I have heard you say on other threads that for personal reasons you wish you had an independent income as it would improve your situation atm. So it sounds a little bit like you're trying to convince yourself in your last post.

x post, I mean the one before that

I think working mums know how to party better

Oh posie, come on? Uncomfortable to read? Not really, sorry to disappoint!

I am completely comfortable and fulfilled in my choices, thanks.

kerching thanks for that PP.clichétastic fave of mine

Where has the OP gone? She still hasn't explained what she thinks of working dads.

Annie - She'll be doing the laundry, or the dishes, or the ironing, while sighing deeply and wishing she had something different to look forward to tomorrow!

violethill, I'm out of tonic...and ice...and lime....but here ya go!

am classy, me.

Seriously, is no-one else bored of this?

Obv not sm cos she loves a scrap