to leave seven year old DD alone at home for short periods?

[firstaibu]

I've name changed for this as am fearing a flaming...

I'm not talking about leaving her for an evening or anything like that, but on several of occasions recently I've left her at home while I go to the supermarket. She didn't want to come with me, and I usually leave her sitting in the car reading when I go to the supermarket anyway. I lock the front door and she knows to ignore it if anyone knocks. She has the cordless phone and knows how to ring my mobile (she has repeatedly demonstrated this to me), and also how to ring 999. In an emergency, she could unlock the gate at the bottom of the garden to get out into the street. I phone her at least once while I'm out. She's seven and a half, and reasonably sensible; I'm confident that she just sits and reads, or plays the wii. I'm never gone more than an hour.

I know a lot of you will think I'm being very U, but is there anyone out there that does this too, or doesn't think I'm a horrendously neglectful parent?

'children tend to hide in the case of fires - very sad stories of a child found dead under the bed when left home alone. Extreme I now. '

Do people never talk to their DCs?! No one is suggesting that at 7 yrs you say 'off to the supermarket darling-back whenever'! You work up to it slowly. You talk about waht you would do in the case of fire-e.g. get out quick. You talk about rules. You tell them how long it will take them to get home and where to go if they need someone nearer. You assume that even a 7 yr old isn't going to sit crying because you have been carted off to hospital and have been gone 4 hours-they would have the gumption to call someone! You often get newspaper stories where the mother has collapsed and 3 yr olds have dialled 999 without anyone telling them!

I don't know how some people dare get up in the morning! A trip to the supermarket, on the end of a mobile seems worse than entering a war zone!

You need to start early and give them responsibility. I shake my head at people who won't leave and 11yr old for 15 minutes and then are worried if they have to and 7 yrs later the same DC can get on a plane to Peru by themselves and ,as long as they have the money, you can't stop them!

Whew, so many replies! I'm really glad that there's such a variety of views and experiences (rather than just outright condemnation ), and thanks to everyone for all your points.

To answer a few points...

Why don't I take her into the supermarket with me, but usually leave her in the car? Mainly because she whinges and asks for stuff the whole way round if she comes in - we have a particular 'issue' at the moment about her obsession with shops and buying things for the sake of it. I know that if I leave her in the car she will have her nose absolutely buried in a book. She's happier, I'm happier. Obviously I wouldn't do that if it were too hot in the car, and in fact the reason for leaving her at home on two of the occasions was that it was really hot and she wouldn't have been comfortable in the car. I acknowledge that there are small risks in her sitting in the car, but a supermarket car park seems a very unlikely place for the abduction of a very loud and confident child. I'm a fast shopper and would never let 'an hour stretch into two'. If she's in the car then I'd be a maximum of half an hour, if at home then probably more like 45 - 50 mins.

Regarding the boundaries issue... she doesn't get away with much at all! I'm very firm with her on lots of things (have to be ) and she gets told 'no' on a very regular basis - there are legions of things she has to do that she doesn't want to! I know that she doesn't feel scared to be left, as some of you were, in fact, she's always pushing to be left at home when we go out to walk the dog (the answer's always no), and to be allowed to go out on her own "on an adventure" or "to run away, but only for half an hour" (the answer's always no, although we did let her go to the local shop once, with DH following a bit behind her ).

She wouldn't make toast, so no knife in the toaster. I lock the front door with a key, so she couldn't open it, and she knows to ignore the door if there's a knock. As I said before, the layout of the house is such that she can exit into the garden from the living room and stairs. Her falling down the stairs is a good point, actually. Coll2010; you make some very good points, and this is why I felt uneasy about doing it.

I've left her at home on three occasions. The first time was actually just to nip to a shop just up the road - I was gone for twenty minutes. I didn't have any concerns about leaving her as she was engrossed in a book and I knew she'd remain so. I still drilled her with all the safety stuff though. The other two times have been for me to go to the supermarket a mile away, and I chose to do so because it was so hot. Normally, if I take her with me to the supermarket (rather than going while she's at school), it's because we go to the library for her to get new books (parking in the supermarket car park), then I leave her in the car reading them while I do the shopping. I park near the store entrance, and tbh, if there was a problem, she would come into the shop and go to the service desk. I don't feel unreasonale doing this, but maybe I've done an aibu by stealth here .... aibu to leave my 7.5 yr old in the car with her nose stuck in a book while I go into the supermarket (weather permitting)??

Thanks Seeker, Cory and Piscesmoon for emphasising that it's not all cut and dried, and that whilst there's always the chance of something awful happening, we can't let our lives be ruled by the fear of it.

On balance, it's certainly not something I would want to make a habit of doing, and would probably only do it again if my neighbour were in and aware that DD were on her own (she'd hear any falls, thumps or screams). The supermarket car park is another matter though...

no no no.....makes my blood run cold just thinking about what could happen to them!

YABU

The safety issue is important so I would never leave a child of 7 in the car or at home. End of!

But how is she going to learn to behave in the supermarket if you don't take her? Yes, they all whine for stuff. The supermarket shop always costs a little more in the school holidays. I used to allow my children to choose one item each (with a price limit, of course).

Taking the path of least resistance isn't always a good idea, imho.

Hmm, tricky. I have a 7.5yo niece and there is no way on this earth I would leave her anywhere that she wasn't supervised. But she's a particularly giddy, silly child. If she were more sensible I would have no problem leaving her in the car but I think it's a touch too young to be left at home for anything more than a few minutes. My main concern would be that something would happen and, although she knew what to do, panic would take over.

So I wouldn't but every child is different and you know yours best.

mophead, what is it exactly that you think is going to happen ?
what are the odds of these ? and aren't they just as likely, if you were there too.

maybe its becasue its always me that has a hypo falls down the stairs and lies there unconscious. maybe its becasue i have the worst spacial awareness and always hurt myself. maybe because its ME we should all be worrying about. my kids are fine. i don't worry about them. I am more concerned about myself. [GRIN]

I thought that my mother wrapped me in cotton wool and my DH and DSs think I am a 'mother hen'-but until I started reading mumsnet I had no idea of the level of suffocation some DCs experience.
I have no idea how they cope at 18yrs old!

The message is that you are not safe unless mummy is close-she will ward off every disaster, but if she leaves the house for 15 minutes disaster will strike!!

I would consider running to the shop at the end of the road for less than five minutes maybe, but wouldn't leave my 8 yo whilst I did a supermarket shop.

I think it's fine - can't believe the alarmists on this thread. My only worry would be what if something happened to you whilst you were out?

Dd told me that at age 11 she was the only one of her friends who was allowed to make herself a cup of tea when the parents were around. Because "they might scald themselves".

Being the hardhearted woman I am, I pointed out to dd that the chances of my scalding myself were just as great, and that at her age, I didn't really think it would be more of a tragedy if she did it than if I did.

Yes, it would be sad if she burnt herself getting things out of the oven. But I burn myself getting things out of the oven every year doing the Christmas baking and the world seems to cope.

The question is:

a) would she be likely to suffer a more serious burn than me- at age 4 I would say 'tes', at age 11 'no2

b) does it matter more if she suffers a slight burn than if I do- again, with a toddler I would say yes (you have a natural instinct to protect the los), as a near-teen- no not really

in fact, dcs are far more used to minor injuries than I am- as they do things like climb trees and play football- whereas I sit in front of a computer, so it's probably far less of a shock

op I would never leave my dd7 alone,youjust never know what might happen .It is just not worth the risk tbh.

pisces - I do not think this is a matter of wrapping up a child in cotton wool. I just think leaving a child at home while you drive to the supermarket is not worth the risk.

There are so many other solutions on offer - rather than just leaving your child at home, take the child to the supermarket, arrange for someone to either look after the child, if there is a dad then dad could help, a neighbour could help, online shopping... so it does seem silly, imo.

The op is coming back on and justifying the time limits - does that no signal that that the op is not really comfortable with doing this???

pisces - I do not think this is a matter of wrapping up a child in cotton wool. I just think leaving a child at home while you drive to the supermarket is not worth the risk.

There are so many other solutions on offer - rather than just leaving your child at home, take the child to the supermarket, arrange for someone to either look after the child, if there is a dad then dad could help, a neighbour could help, online shopping... so it does seem silly, imo.

The op is coming back on and justifying the time limits - does that no signal that that the op is not really comfortable with doing this???

As for the 11yop opening the door to the man who kept hassling her- this is the kind of scenario that could have been avoided by training- she should have had instructions on whom to ring in an emergency.

As for the intruder scenario- do any of you seriously believe your presence would protect your child against a violent intruder? Because I don't. I am a smallish woman of average physique: I wouldn't be able to do a thing!

two words : Online Supermarket

Ultimately only you know your child, your locality and the range of risks that you face - as well as how risk adverse you normally are. In general MNers seem to be a fairly anxious bunch, so a questions like this will always lean to the YABU answer. You need to take account of those posters who do have older children etc.

I think that the 7-10 age is the age where they can be left alone if they are happy. BUT just because they have been told the rules doesn't mean that they will follow them. If you have a friendly neighbour I would get them to "test" your dd. Ds1 knows that he shouldn't answer the door when I pick him his younger brother up from beavers. But there was one occasion when I found that he had done so, and had let someone into the house (someone who was due to come round later that evening, and not a random axe-murderer). In fairness he probably wouldn't have let in a random axe-murderer, but nevertheless he saw a blurred line rather than the fixed line that he had been taught. You'll only know how your dd will treat the knock at the door when it happens.

I have a 7 and a 9 year old. I wouldn't yet leave them individually for an hour though half an hour is usually fine. But that is mainly down to their preference. I'm happy for both of them to do chores such as going to the letter box (a round trip of over half a mile crossing a road).

Yes what is exactly wrong with the online supermarket suggestion???

Your dd is the same age as my dd and I can't imagine leaving her alone when I go shopping.
At 7 I don't think you can trust them to reliably carry out actions you have taught them especially when tired or stressed.
Also such responsibility should be seen as a privilege that comes with age I think and at seven I don't think she should have the choice not to go to the supermarket.
I would work on making the supermarket trip more interesting for dd maybe a chance to choose a treat or a cake in the cafe or think about internet shopping.

I'm not necessarily saying YABU, but I wouldn't do it - not for an hour when I was a car ride away.

It's a personal decision IMO. I would leave a 7yo to go to the local shop for a pint of milk if I was only going to be gone for 5 mins, but not to do a whole shop. I would however leave a secondary school age child for a few hours whilst I went shopping. All my own opinion, based on my own paranoia analysis of risk and knowledge of my own children.

I wouldn't say YABU as only you know how mature your 7 yr old is. Personally, I wouldn't have left DD1 at 7 as she just wasn't mature enough. I have only just started to leave her now and she is 10.5, the main reason I've started to leave her is that she starts secondary school next September where she will have to get the school bus each way and I thought it was about time she started being taught to be more responsible. she is actually a very well behaved, sensible girl and I'm confident she is safe while I'm gone, I never leave her for more than 2hrs and always daytime. Not sure what difference that makes other than it makes me feel better!

DGD wanted to stay over one night. I had already committed to helping DN with a car boot sale the next day and had to leave home at 6.a.m.

All sorted. She would probably sleep until about 8 and mum would come and pick her up at 9.00.

Not really comfortable with leaving her alone with DH as due to a stroke at 38 he is slightly disabled. He likes to stick strictly to his routine.

DGD is 7.5 and very responsible and sensible

Every morning DH walks to the newsagents to buy the paper. A round trip of about 20 minutes.

DGD told us a week later that Grandad had left her on her own while he went to the shop.

I felt absoutely gutted and came out in a cold sweat when DGD told me this.

Just the thought of her being in the house alone without anyone to talk to or be with.

I asked her what she did and she said "I sat in your chair and hugged the dog and watched TV."

I would never let my DC come home to an empty house even when they got older. Had one occasion walking home when a boy of about 14 came screaming out of his house.

He'd just arrived home from school, let himself in with his key and found 2 men in the house robbing it.

I think my post shows how a sensible 7yo can do things that you wouldn't expect a sensible 7yo to do. Like decide to help mum out with the house work because she knows it is hard and mum is often tired [sensible] so why not do a bit of ironing [not sensible, but mum always says how sensible I am so I'm sure I'll be fine and she'll be so happy not to have it there when she gets home...] Those were my thought processes.