to leave seven year old DD alone at home for short periods?

[firstaibu]

I've name changed for this as am fearing a flaming...

I'm not talking about leaving her for an evening or anything like that, but on several of occasions recently I've left her at home while I go to the supermarket. She didn't want to come with me, and I usually leave her sitting in the car reading when I go to the supermarket anyway. I lock the front door and she knows to ignore it if anyone knocks. She has the cordless phone and knows how to ring my mobile (she has repeatedly demonstrated this to me), and also how to ring 999. In an emergency, she could unlock the gate at the bottom of the garden to get out into the street. I phone her at least once while I'm out. She's seven and a half, and reasonably sensible; I'm confident that she just sits and reads, or plays the wii. I'm never gone more than an hour.

I know a lot of you will think I'm being very U, but is there anyone out there that does this too, or doesn't think I'm a horrendously neglectful parent?

I would (and occasionally do) leave DD at home alone while I nip down to pick DS up from school.

She is 8yo and I am sure that she would not play with matches or look in the medicine cupboard. She would sit and draw, or watch TV.

An hour is perhaps a bit long, 15 mins ok.

It really does depend on the child.

Well 8 is my guideline and DS1 is starting to show some really great responsibility at 6 so I think I will stick with 8, 7 and a half is not that different.

DS1 has just started putting the rubbish out for me and being allowed to answer the door (if I am reasonably certain who it is).

We are all way too overprotective, they can handle it we just need to give them the chance.

I used to collect my little brother from infants at 8, then walk home (admittedly only about 300 metres), let us in the back door and we would be alone until my older brothers and sisters got in 30 minutes later. Our neighbours knew and most of the kids were doing the same.

We were not allowed to play in the backyard (a pool), not allowed to answer the door or the phone and our back door was always left unlocked so we didn't need a key. I want my kids to have the same sort of upbringing so will be doing similar arrangements I think.

majafa Wed 09-Jun-10 08:05:40
"what would happen to the child if you were to have an accident whilst you were out, knocked unconscious/fatal even, who would know she was home alone?"

This once keeps coming up on these threads. And the answer is, if you had a fatal accident outside and your child was with you, wouldn't she be quite likely to be killed too? Who would prefer their child being in a fatal car crash to being at home alone for a few extra hours?

7 to me would have been a bit young, 8 fine for short periods, 9/10 for longer periods. But in Scandinavia, where we spend our summers, it is still normal for 7yos to walk to school on their own and stay at home alone for hours. I don't suppose toasters are any less dangerous there- but children do seem to be more mature.

I started leaving mine for short periods at 8/9, as this was the time when I felt reasonably comfortable that they could tell the time, understand if I had been away for too long and then phone their dad at work. I had also had the opportunity of seeing how they dealt with crises when I was around but not absolutely hovering over them and was reassured. Yes, the kettle did develop a fault when I was upstairs and 9yo ds was making me a hot drink, but instead of panicking and calling for mummy, he did exactly what any adult would have done: turned it of and disconnected it. I couldn't have done more. When a few years earlier, ds cut himself badly on barbed wire in a field near the cottage we were staying, his sister (then 10) managed to calm him down enough to get him within reach of the cottage and then when ds was being seen to, she calmly set about packing him a hospital bag.

I was happy to leave 12yo and 9yo at home together for a whole day if necessary, because of what I had seen of how they react in a crisis. (In fact, if I ever had a serious accident I would far rather have 10yo ds on the spot than my dad, who panics at the first whiff of an accident and would be totally clueless.)

By now they are 10 and 13, and often spend a day on their own.

Personally I think YANBU.
When I was little (about 8/9) my mum would leave me for 15-30 mins at a time if she had to pop to the shops, leaving me with younger sis + bro. But then I was the 'sensible one' I was drilled with every possible emergency number and all sorts of senarios.
My little bro used to get a public bus at 7 to get to school and he never had any problems.
I think it all depends on the child. If you trust your DD (I believe girls tend to be more sensible) and she isn't going to do anything daft like answer the door to someone who just 'says' they are the police. I don't see why she couldn't be fine.

I leave dd1 (10) but not dd2(8). Dd1 is sensible & I never leave her for more than 10 mins. Usually to pick dd2 up from Brownies 2 mins away. If I didn't come back within half anhour she would phone my mam or anyone in the family. As she would if she was worried.

'All you need to do is knock the door and say "Open up darling, it's Mike, I work with your mummy - I just need to quickly pick up an envelope for her. Hurry up, you don't want me to tell her you were naughty when she trusted you to be good, do you?"

7 year olds are VERY easy to manipulate'

I most specifically went over the 'what if' scenario's with mine at that age-so no they most definately wouldn't!
Children are not going to be responsible unless you give them responsibility.

YABU, imo. it wouldn't feel right to me, i think its too young.

But what are the chances that these bad things are going to happen ? slim-to-none. car crash ? someone knocking on your door. I have lived in our home for over 10 years and only about 3 unknown callers have ever called. we only get maybe one knock on our door once a month or so, from someone we know.
my 6 year old can sit infront of the tv for hours. provided he has some crisps and a drink, that kid doesn't move.
i have washed the car , hung out washing and gardened and he doesn't even know I'm not there.
Maybe 7 is a bit young though. depends on the maturity. but i can't see the difference between popping out for a pint and being 10 minutes, and being gone for an hour for a supermarket shop.
whats the difference ? the child is still alone. and something COULD happen ?

It's the fatal accident scenario I just don't get. If you were going to have a fatal accident...but then happened to have brought your child with you...would that mean the fatal accident decided to go home and not bother?

Or do people genuinely feel they would rather their child also had a fatal accident (or stood on the sidelines watching their mum being killed) rather than stay in the house alone?

I have never been able to get anyone to answer me this, and I know seeker has tried too.

Too young IMO. I left ds1 for 5 minutes when he was 7.5 to walk younger child round the corner, would never have left him for more than that even though he is sensible.

Now they are 12 & 10, and I'm happier to leave them for an hour whilst I take their sisters to ballet. I will leave all of them at home to pop to newsagent which is 30 seconds away.

An hour is a long time.

As the mother of a sensible six year old, I could well imagine dd1 being old enough to leave alone for short periods by seven and a half.

I don't think I'd do it though, but I certainly think by nine I will be. I was a latch key kid from eight onwards - used to walk home, let myself in with younger db and wait for mum to come home two hours later. Didn't come to any harm!

Sorry, excuse grammar, in a hurry!

Never Never Never - but because my Uncle was a fire chief and children tend to hide in the case of fires - very sad stories of a child found dead under the bed when left home alone. Extreme I now.

All children develop the maturity and sensibility to be left alone at different ages so there can be no absolute one size fits all for this dilemma.

The fact that you are continuously contactable by phone would lessen the burden of her being alone if a crisis should occur.

Do you have another person she can contact if she cant reach you or you're gone longer than expected?

There is risk in everything in life (including driving with her to the supermarket) and the only way children will learn to manage risk is by being given the freedom to make their own mistakes.

Practice a fire drill with her regularly and make sure she understands basic first aid.

Lolapoppins sums it up for me:
"Outwardly, I was full of bravado and used to say I was fine etc. I remember being petrified the whole time, it was awful"

I was the same.

To risk being trite, they are young for such a short period. Why push them to grow up and be so independent at such a young age? And to take the other viewpoint, why lead them to believe it is okay to opt out of 'boring' tasks like the supermarket because staying home is more fun?

YABU.

One day cory, picses and seeker will be killed by a meteorite when they pop to the shops and their children will starve to death because they won't have the gumption to pick up the phone and ring daddy to tell him Mum's been a bit longer than she said she'd be!

I don't know if YABU, obviously you know your child, but I heard a horrible story a week or two ago:

I used to live in greece and I'm still in contact with friends there. One of them had a 7 year old niece, she had a cold so her mum left her sleeping while taking the older child to school. In her mum's 15 minute absence she woke up, couldn't find mum, went out onto the balcony (7th floor) saw mum coming back and climbed onto the table to call out to her mum. Fell off in front of her mother's eyes. It's so tragic, and I know you'd say your dd knows better than this, but me thinks 7yo are unpredictable.

To be honest I'm more shocked that you leave her alone in the car while you're in the supermarket, far more dangerous IMO

The horrifying bit of that story is the unsafe balcony. The same accident could have happened at any time. And the child was left asleep and woke up to find no one there. Not the same thing at all.

didn't say it's the same thing, only that we can consider certain situations safe when they're not, plus the unpredictable reactions of children.

A sensible child who knows contact numbers etc. might panic and freeze in the sight of a fire for instance (as might an adult of course)

My parents used to leave me in the house alone while they went to night class. I was 6 and would spend the whole time under the covers with a tiny breathing hole so that nothing could 'get me'.

We have just started to leave DS (10) alone for short periods. I shut the curtains and he has instructions to only answer the phone if it's our mobile no and not to go to the door or window at all. I think he is more comfortable with the arrangement than we are!

I would never do this, also would not leave in car for more than about 2 mins and only then if I could see car.

DD (nearly 7) tried to persuade me to leave her in watching TV while I picked up DS from school (15 mins if I took car) but I would not and made her come with, wouldn't even leave her in car outside school.

FWIW I know she'd never play with the hob or do anything silly - girls I think more sensible and also I think much more risky to leave 2 children who might egg each other on to do mischief.

I think by secondary school age (11/12) its ok - I had a key at that point and sometimes got home before my mum if she was doing the primary school run getting my younger siblings.

MumNWLondon - why not?

It depends on the person, not (after a certain age) on the age. As I said before, my dad would be far more likely to do something stupid in times of crisis than would my dd.

That balcony tragedy actually happened within the sight of her mum- it could equally have happened if her mum had been inside the flat watching. When my dd fell down the stairs and broke a bone, I was standing within feet of her- that did nothing to keep her safe. Yes, of course she could knock herself unconscious etc etc- but that is the same with an adult, so doesn't actually give us any guidelines as to when people should be left alone. I could knock myself out- should I keep dcs home from school to keep an eye on me?

"the independence and big girl stuff are things you work up to and can be rewards for proving yourself or ways of allowing a sense of more freedom and grown up-ness along the road to adulthood. if you are giving out such a big one so young it seems the whole thing speeds up and you have less cards up your sleeve for further down the road."

Well, I might be thinking about things like hiking in the woods, and taking the dinghy out on her own, and going to the beach with her mates), and camping out, and canoeing. All experiences I hope she will have had before she leaves home. If life is going to be so short of adventures that you have to save up being alone at home for 15 minutes until they are in their teens, then that sounds rather a dull life to me.

I used to love being left on my own at home. When ds (10) had an inset day on Monday, he pleaded with me to be allowed to stay at home alone (in the event, dd was off sick, so we didn't have to discuss it). Not all children are frightened.