to leave seven year old DD alone at home for short periods?

[firstaibu]

I've name changed for this as am fearing a flaming...

I'm not talking about leaving her for an evening or anything like that, but on several of occasions recently I've left her at home while I go to the supermarket. She didn't want to come with me, and I usually leave her sitting in the car reading when I go to the supermarket anyway. I lock the front door and she knows to ignore it if anyone knocks. She has the cordless phone and knows how to ring my mobile (she has repeatedly demonstrated this to me), and also how to ring 999. In an emergency, she could unlock the gate at the bottom of the garden to get out into the street. I phone her at least once while I'm out. She's seven and a half, and reasonably sensible; I'm confident that she just sits and reads, or plays the wii. I'm never gone more than an hour.

I know a lot of you will think I'm being very U, but is there anyone out there that does this too, or doesn't think I'm a horrendously neglectful parent?

Sorry if anyone thought I was making a judgement, I really wasn't. Simply pointing out that unexpected things do happen and the consequences to those things maybe more complicated in the instance of leaving a child below the age of responsibility. I personally believe that the personal circumstances need to be taken into account.

'As my friend pointed out the other day would you leave your handbag unattended or your car unlocked??

I wasn't going to comment again but I can't help myself!! The handbag hasn't got a brain, the handbag can't talk and the handbag
can't risk assess!
No one is talking about leaving a 3/4 yr old and they not talking about leaving an untrustworthy 7 yr old. They are talking about a sensible 7 yr old who can get you on the mobile, and if they can't they have several neighbours to call on and they have rules about what to do. No wonder DCs don't get any independence or responsibility if people think they are as helpless as a handbag! (I would leave my handbag at home anyway-it is perfectly safe-even if it can't talk!)

I am not denying -or agreeing - that there "paedophiles in every village, town and city of the UK". I quite frankly don't know.

But I am denying that there are paedophiles on every street corner just waiting to work out if and when a random child will be left unattended for an indeterminate amount of time so that they can pounce. As has been repeated on a number of occasions, most abuse takes place within the home by family members/"friends" - so by that logic, a child should never be left with anyone that you know - even family members. Which is of course ridiculous.

Is the risk of sexual (or other) abuse against children higher in other countries? I don't believe so - but would be interested if anyone had some statistics. So why is it that they are relaxed and we are paranoid?

Since my DCs had strict instructions not to answer the door to anyone -which they always stuck to, I can't see that it is of any importance. It makes it sound like the 3 Little Pigs and as soon as you are out the bad old wolf is around huffing and puffing!

Ds (8 at the time) did open the door to a friend of ours - which we did tell him off for.

To be fair on him, said friend was due round anyway for supper (comes every week), we (dh and I) had been 5 minutes late (caught in traffic) and ds justified himself by saying he had seen the friend's car come into the driveway, so had known it was him when the door bell went.

Continuing the "handbag" discussion, I don't take my handbag out with me into the garden, but I do leave the door (only door) open when I am working in the garden - even though I can't actually see the door when I am in the back garden. I personally don't perceive it as a risk - but then, maybe I have a naive sense of faith in human nature - or maybe it is just a judgement call about the relative safety of the area where I live.

mamasparkle Fri 11-Jun-10 19:00:32

"What if it's someone that doesn't knock? Someone who breaks in? Someone who has watched you leave for the supermarket, knowing you are leaving your 7 year old alone? Just cannot believe you would risk this. OK, flame me and say it's really unlikely. True - unlikely, but still possible. "

And how exactly would you be able to protect your dc if you were at home when someone broke in?

this thread is stupid.
people who think theres a peadophile on every street corner: there are a lot more peadophiles in the world than there should be [ie, more than NONE] but its not 1 in 20 or an insanely high figure like that, because thats what some of these posts seem to imply, that on every street a peado lurks.

and you know accidents and stuff that you hear/read about?
you know what doesnt get publicised? every time a child, for example a 9 year old WAS left alone and NOTHING happened. which happens ALL THE FREAKING TIME.

its like birth stories, you only ever really get to hear the bad ones, which i know was horrible for me when i got pregnant, and scared me to death.

and to those who say 'its not worth the risk'
thats like saying its not worth the risk of getting into a car.
great attitude to pass onto your kids, that you're not even safe in your own home.

It is like the three little pigs! Really-they can't break in-or at least not without making a lot of noise, so that DC could phone me or one of the many other contact numbers that can be speed dialled. He isn't a handbag-he has a brain and initiative.
I can't say about a meteor coming from outer space as soon as I go!

When I left him in a shopping precint at 9 yrs to go in a couple of shops by himself we misunderstood where we had agreed to meet. I wasn't there-he told a security guard and the security guard found me! Even 5yr old very shy DS got lost in a big department store, I'm not sure how as he was following me, went up to a security guard and my name was called over the loud speaker. They use their initiative-they are not stupid! They are part of a community.

And how exactly would you be able to protect your dc if you were at home when someone broke in?

Umm... I am an adult, who could phone the police, defend myself, frighten off the intruder, take DC and run???

What a silly question!!

'But I am denying that there are paedophiles on every street corner just waiting to work out if and when a random child will be left unattended for an indeterminate amount of time so that they can pounce.'

Nobody has said that they are on every street corner, but they are there. There are thousands of paedophiles in the UK, how do you know they do not live in your area?

I am certainly not telling mine that the world is such a terrible place that 'mummy must be with them at every moment or disaster will strike!' Unfortunately it isn't newsworthy that 5,000 7yr olds had 10 minutes without their mother and they were perfectly OK!!

im not sure where all these houses are that get broken into in the middle of the day in these 1hr periods that a parent goes and runs an errand.

'It is like the three little pigs! Really-they can't break in-or at least not without making a lot of noise'

For goodness sake! Criminals can and do get into houses silently.

Not mine mamasparkle. They couldn't possibly. I can offer you £100 if you can come and get into mine without making a noise! If they are super clever and have a silent way, without being seen ,I think they would choose somewhere different than my house. This is sheer paranoia! I have been living in my house for 20 yrs and there hasn't been one case of someone watching a parent go out and breaking into the house-it would be in the local paper if there had been.

mamasparkle Fri 11-Jun-10 20:38:09
"And how exactly would you be able to protect your dc if you were at home when someone broke in?

Umm... I am an adult, who could phone the police, defend myself, frighten off the intruder, take DC and run???

What a silly question!!"

Not at all a silly question. If a violent adult man was between you and the door, how would you run? If a violent adult man was determined to stop you from making that phone call, how would you get to the phone? And how many of us are strong enough to defend ourselves against a violent, possibly armed man?

Believe me, I have been in a room which got burgled: there was nothing I could do to stop it. Nothing. It would have been extremely foolish and dangerous to try.

BritFish, all these houses that get broken into in the midde of the day - they are all over the UK, obviously! More burglaries happen during the day than at night, when the house appears unoccupied or the occupant is elderly or frail - IE a seven year old!!!

Can't believe the cavalier attitude to your children's safety on this thread! It's not about stifling your kids, and not giving them independence. It's about NOT LEAVING SMALL CHILDREN AGE SEVEN ALONE FOR HOUR LONG PERIODS IN THE HOUSE!!!Unbelievable!

Cory - Not at all a silly question. If a violent adult man was between you and the door, how would you run? If a violent adult man was determined to stop you from making that phone call, how would you get to the phone? And how many of us are strong enough to defend ourselves against a violent, possibly armed man?

EXACTLY!!!! In answer to the last question, certainly not a SEVEN YEAR OLD!!! You are acknowledging that there is the possibility of a violent adult man breaking into a house during the day, so why on EARTH would you leave your seven year old to face that alone!!!

I take grave exception to being told that I am taking a cavalier attitude to my DCs safety. I am taking a calculated risk-well thought out with discussion with my DC. If I wasn't on the end of a phone it would be different, if we didn't have neighbours in, it would be different,if he wasn't happy it would be different, if he wasn't sensible it would be different. They were happy, they coped, there were no burglaries or fires etc etc. It was good for them. Who wants to be a prisoner in the guilded cage? Not me. At what point do you decide that 30 mins without mum is feasible?

Tbh if the man was violent, then I don't think my presence would provide any reassurance for a yound dc: what's so reassuring about watching your mother be killed first?

And imho the risk of violence would probably be far greater if an adult was present who might report him to the police.

Besides, where do you draw the line? At what age are you able to face a burglar without trauma? Or should noone ever be alone at home?

But the main point of course is that the risk is tiny. The risk of an over-protected teenager getting into trouble and dying from an excess of unwonted freedom during Fresher's week is greater.

For the record, I do consider 7 a bit young to be alone at home.

But not because of the risk of being attacked by burglars- because I think that risk would lessen if you were a few years older. And the trauma would probably be greater.

yeah, to me a 'possibility' is the 'possibility' of my mum dropping by while im out, so like a 1/8 chance. the possibility of leaving my child at home at the very same instance that a burglar decides to rob me and that that burger decides to kidnap my child rather than taking my laptop and running... hmm, not so much.

maybe im biased because im an awful neglectful mother and my two fully alive and functioning gloriously indepedant mature DC's hate me for leaving them in a locked house when they were 7 and 9...

This thread is getting annoying. If some people choose to leave a 7yr old unsupervised and are comfortable with it do it then. Many people including me would not for various reasons but I can't stand this smug attitude about glorious independent children who are left alone. The old blooming competitive parenting thing again. O my way is the best way. Granted the op wanted to hear opinions but its just turned into a squabble I hope this thread withers soon.

If you left your 7 year old alone BritFish then yep, I do think you're a bit neglectful. Just because you do something, and nothing bad happens, doesn't mean it's a safe or OK thing to do. I could go out tonight and drive down the motorway at 100mph with no seatbelt, and I might be OK. It doesn't mean that that's a safe thing to do.

And piscesmoon, it's more of an unnecessary risk than a calculated one.

Yes, many things in life are risky. Going in a car, for one. But we can't stay at home all day or walk everywhere, so we take the risk and get in the car with our DCS. Going to the supermarket and leaving DCs at home? Unnecessary, and neglectful. You order online, or you take the child with you.

It's not about making your kids prisoners in gilded cages, it's about looking after them properly and not leaving them alone when they are too young whilst you stroll round Sainsburys!

Every time I think about it I just cannot believe anyone would do this, or think it was an OK thing to do.

'At my DS's school the headteacher told me she she knows of 5 year olds who walk home alone (presumably to an empty house). She regards this as the parents' issue not the school's. It isn't considered to be a CP issue.'

How awful

a headteacher who doesn't consider a 5yo left home alone to be a child protection issue is avoiding her responsibility

how easy my job would be if I felt safeguarding responsibilities ended when the bell rang
I am appalled at this tbh

i personally think theres more risk in driving at any speed on the road or being in a car than someone breaking into my home when my DC's were alone and doing something bad to them. but you know, thats just me............and id make a guess i could back that up if i could be bothered to look up statistics...

mamasparkle, a point id like to make is that because i have 2 dc's they were only actually left along until the youngest was 7 [and it wasnt, once he passed his birthday he was okay, i deemed them responsible at that point]

mamasparkle, i dont think its okay to smoke during pregnancy or kick dogs, but other people do. i cant believe anyone would think these things are okay, but they do. i think there has to be a point when you start leaving kids alone, and for my kids that was the age to start.

I have made it clear from the beginning that I didn't leave mine to go to the supermarket when they were 7 yrs-however I did start gradually and I started with posting a letter-about 400 yds, I then went on to the local shop-5 mins walk and back, then post office 3 mins in the car. Rather than being neglectful I think this was good for them. I worked up to the supermarket. I don't shop on line, wish to shop on line or take an 11yr old with me. I am reasonably sure that a mad axeman isn't going to attack my front door tonight and I don't think that he will be watching out for me popping to the local shop. (There is always the possibility, but it is remote and I can't protect my DC if he has decided to be violent.)
I am not going to wait until my DC is 11 yrs to let him walk to school or 14 yrs before I go to the supermarket or 16 yrs before he gets a train by himself. It is all too late. At 18yrs he is over 200 miles away in a strange city having to cope with whatever life throws at him-at the very least it would take me over 5 hrs to rescue him. I am reasonably certain that he is well prepared. I started early.