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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my PILs to take DS out for the afternoon?

145 replies

DewinDoeth · 07/06/2010 13:52

He's nearly 2.
They want to take him to the zoo, but he's never been before, and I want to be there too (they want time alone with him, and they want me to 'enjoy myself' without him). Also the Zoo isn't 5 minutes away, it's more like 1 hour. I don't let anyone take DS more than 20 mins away from me (except maybe DH but I can't think of an example though). I'm really silly like that, but there's no need - and I won't enjoy my time at home/at work if I'm worried.
I don't go out or anything and don't spend much time away from him, although I do work (15 mins away! ) and think that on the weekend, I want to spend time with DS.

I know I'm silly, but he's only a baby once. Plus I have major paranoia and a vivid imagination of things happening when I'm not there and I would not be able to do anything, and would never ever forgive myself.

He doesn't see them very often because they live the other side of the country. They have never babysat him or spent any time alone with him.
MIL 'doesn't do nappies'.
PIL is a 'traditional' man and doesn't do anything mundane so he wouldn't change a nappy. (What I'm saying is that's just the way he is and I'm not arguing - I don't agree, it's not the way it is in our house.)

Finally, and this is the big one, DS doesn't speak English, and PILs don't speak anything else.
They are very annoyed and 'saddened' that DS doesn't speak English, but he will learn it in time. The language of our home (my DH included) is not English.

AIBU and how do I get around this without being (a) mean, because of course they want to spend time with their DGS, and I'm not trying to stop them, but there are practicalities...
and (b) racist on the language issue.

OP posts:
CantSupinate · 07/06/2010 13:53

Why don't you go to the zoo with them?

storminabuttercup · 07/06/2010 13:55

could you all go to the zoo together?

TanteRose · 07/06/2010 13:55

Just go with them - they don't need to spend time alone with him.
You are not being silly - there is plenty of time in the years ahead to let DS have time with them, when he is a bit older.

Go and have a lovely time, all four of you

Conundrumish · 07/06/2010 13:56

Could you compromise by all going to the zoo together on one day and then letting them babysit for the afternoon, in your own home, while you go out for the afternoon (park the car round the corner and eat chocolate/read a magazine!).

I used to be a bit like this when mine were little, but it can rub off and make children anxious. In hindsight, I wish I had been more chilled.

heading4home · 07/06/2010 13:56

The question that springs to my mind is what happens if he needs a nappy change whilest at the zoo?

Regarding the language issue, they will be fine. I have taken my niece out when she was tiny and before I spoke any of the languages she speaks. There are many ways of communicating.

TanteRose · 07/06/2010 13:56

think we have reached a consensus!!

Jamieandhismagictorch · 07/06/2010 13:57

I don't think 2 is too young to go off with your grandparents, but it sounds like it's a bit of a big trip in the circumstances (that they haven't been alone with him before) . Suggest they take him to the park instead.

BouncingTurtle · 07/06/2010 13:57

I did initially think that you were being a bit precious BUT the not changing nappies, and the language barrier would definitely be a deal breaker for me, so no YANBU.
Suggests you go with them, maybe you could wander off on your own for a bit have a cuppa in the cafe? At least you will be near by so if DS needs a nappy change or just needs his mum, you'll be close by?

WidowWadman · 07/06/2010 13:58

I'd go with them. Language barrier and not knowing them very well, might make it quite difficult for them to take him alone.

But I can understand their annoyance that their grandson doesn't speak their language. Why does your husband not speak his native language with his son?

Original poster
DewinDoeth · 07/06/2010 13:59

They want me to have time alone. I could suggest going to the zoo as well, I suppose. Hadn't thought of that!

Tante thanks - I was beginning to think I'm a total (control) freak for wanting to be as near as possible to my DS at all times. I may be a bit silly but whilst I can, I want to care for him and look after him etc and be near enough; and I panic that 1 hour away if he loses a limb to a lion/climbs into the elephant enclosure/is stung by a tarantula etc then I'm too far to get there.

And also the basic problem of nappies. And if he wants a drink and asks, nobody will understand him.

OP posts:
Jamieandhismagictorch · 07/06/2010 14:00

I also agree with pinkpanettone - worrying about him like this won't hep him in the long run. His grandparents presumably love him, and brought up your DH OK, so let them have some time alone with him and let yourself get adjusted to the idea.

CantSupinate · 07/06/2010 14:00

I have trouble perceiving the language thing as 'racism'. Is every cultural conflict now to be labeled "racism"?

Gosh, the more languages my DC learn the better! I heard about a Spanish linguist the other day whose wife is Chinese (they live in Britain); the parents are making a huge effort to speak lots of their respective languages to the child -- even if the child doesn't ever become fluent, it will do her brain good to retain the ability to hear all the different and unique sounds in each language.

saslou · 07/06/2010 14:02

I wouldn't be happy with this either.Your DS might not be happy being looked after all day by people he can't really speak to. I would go with the GPs to the zoo and say he will have much more fun if you can translate for him/them. I would also worry about my toddler being away from me all day with GPs who are not really used to looking after babies. You can't 'not do nappies' and take a baby out for the day. You are not stopping them from seeing him and it is not their right to have access without you being present if you are not happy with this. Plenty of time later on for them to look after him on their own

wishingchair · 07/06/2010 14:06

Also don't think the language issue is a racist issue ... it would sadden me if I was unable to communicate with my own grandchildren. Just a question - why doesn't he speak/understand English (assuming you are living in an English speaking country)? I have friends from other countries who have brought their children up to be bi-lingual but they have always been able to speak both native language and English from being able to speak.

But to the matter in hand, I would just go to the zoo and take a book and let them trek around the place whilst I enjoyed peace and quiet in the cafe.

Original poster
DewinDoeth · 07/06/2010 14:07

pinkpannettone I don't want him to be an anxious child either (i.e. I want to be the perfect mother , so achievable!) but he does go to nursery etc. So I like to think we're not joined at the hip at all times, but I'm never an hour away, IYSWIM.

I seriously hadn't thought of insisting I go too (or gently saying I would like to), or suggesting something closer which would make more sense, so thanks for all that.

WidowWadman the language issue is a whole other AIBU.
We speak a minority language, and DS needs to get that sorted before he starts to learn the (always dominant) English language. [It's a longer story than that with many academic studies.]
My DH is rather special in that he's learnt our language, for us and for DS, and it's no mean feat (it's a difficult language). DH also has an easy way of improving, and he's almost fluent with lots of confidence.
I'm also extremely tetchy about people banging on about a minority language (or any language) not being 'useful'. All languages are useful. And if we only spoke French at home, and DH had learnt French to the level he has, everyone would be hugely impressed.
But I'm happy to start another AIBU thread on that. I do not mean that as a challenge to a scrap - I find it very interesting and I don't take offence on this matter easily. (They're genuine warm smiles.)

OP posts:
minipie · 07/06/2010 14:08

Given that they won't change nappies, have never looked after him before, and don't speak his language, YANBU.

Missus84 · 07/06/2010 14:11

You do sound quite precious about never wanting to be too far from your DS - but if the grandparents won't change nappies and can't communicate with him then they don't sound like ideal people to do a day trip.

WidowWadman · 07/06/2010 14:13

Dewin Doeth, my daughter is being raised bilingually and the main language at home is English, however I speak German to her exclusively.I talk English to my husband (his German isn't very good anyway) I don't really have any contact with other German speakers here, so it's really only my daughter and me, but I want to make sure that she can communicate with all her family. I think it's great when children are exposed to as many languages as possible, but don't quite understand why the OPOL approach shouldn't work with your minority language in the same way as with any other language.

I guess you're right though, it's for a different thread. Please don't feel attacked by my posting btw. I asked out of simple curiosity.

KnitterNotTwitter · 07/06/2010 14:14

An hour away is too long for a 'first trip' IMO. Is there not somewhere nearer they could take him?

That said it might be 'good' for you to start getting used to the idea of other people taking him out/further away. My DS is 22 months and has just spent a week at my parents house, with my sister there too. My sister lives with us so he's really used to her, and he sees my parents quite a lot. But they were 2.5 hours away.... I'm guessing you couldn't have done that...?

Original poster
DewinDoeth · 07/06/2010 14:14

Everyone - I meant me being racist to them. I'm always hypersensitive to the fact that I might be offensively defensive. IYKWIM.

We don't live in an English-speaking community. The people he mixes with - my parents, my siblings, nursery, school, village shop, friends with babies, baby groups etc don't ordinarily speak English (although they all can). It was the same when I was growing up, and I'm bilingual, but wasn't until I was 3 or 4. I mainly learnt English from the television etc. DS will too. (At the moment, though, he refuses to watch English tv, e.g. In the Night Garden, possibly because he's now twigged that he doesn't understand what they're saying. There's a lot of talking in ITNG.)
Incidentally, we go to Waterbabies, and that's English. He now says 'all day long' (from Wheels on the bus and one of the songs at Waterbabies!) from time to time!

OP posts:
Original poster
DewinDoeth · 07/06/2010 14:20

My Mum regularly takes him (she babysits 2 days a week) and goes with the pram to town (still I'm only 15-20 minutes away at work) and she takes him to toddler group etc. So he is used to being with others. I do try not to be precious. And I do work FT and not from home (flexi hours though and I'm close to home) so he's quite independent.

Widow no, didn't feel attacked - it sounded like a genuine question. Not doing OPOL because of the linguistic benefits to my DH , and my awareness of my own language - I work at a particularly high level within that language (have a PhD in it) and the awareness of the 'damage' English can do to minority languages. (Can override, etc, long story.) I'm not stopping DS learning English in any way - there's no way of doing that realistically, and I wouldn't want to!

I'm outrageously proud of my DH for learning.

OP posts:
MrsRhettButler · 07/06/2010 14:20

completely intrigued as to which language you speak... care to tel???

and yanbu, too far, he doesn't know them well enough, language barrier and nappy issue....

Tryharder · 07/06/2010 14:21

You do indeed sound very precious and overcontrolling! Sorry, but there are about a millions threads on here where GPs don't want to know their GCs. It sounds from your post that you don't really like them much and don't want them to have anything to do with your PFB.

What do you mean, they won't change nappies -they must have changed your DH's and any other siblings. Surely, they wouldn't leave your DS sodden and uncomfortable in a dirty/urine soaked nappy????

You are within your right to insist on accompanying them given the language barrier or for them to take him somewhere nearer but honestly, you have the rest of your life to spend with your DS, letting him go with his GPs for one day is really no big deal.

YABU.

BessieBoots · 07/06/2010 14:22

DewinDoeth, fantastic name (More of a Llipryn Llwyd myself...)

I am interested that DewinDoeth is being questioned as to why her one-year-old doesn't speak English. I can assure you that, having been in the same situation as her (re: the language thing) myself, her children will pick up English naturally. Mine have never had English at home, but by age 3.5, DS1 was pretty much fluent in both languages.

Da iawn ti, DewinDoeth- Eich cymuned chi'n swnio'n hyfryd a Chymreig! Eiddigeddus braidd...

Original poster
DewinDoeth · 07/06/2010 14:23

Rhett can you guess? Try googling my name (it's in 2 parts).

The nappy issue is a big one, I suppose. And perhaps my polite, non-offence-causing ticket out? In a 'let me do the dirty work and you can enjoy grandparenting' kind of way? (I won't make it sound quite as patronising or smarmy as what I just typed.)

OP posts: