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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my PILs to take DS out for the afternoon?

145 replies

DewinDoeth · 07/06/2010 13:52

He's nearly 2.
They want to take him to the zoo, but he's never been before, and I want to be there too (they want time alone with him, and they want me to 'enjoy myself' without him). Also the Zoo isn't 5 minutes away, it's more like 1 hour. I don't let anyone take DS more than 20 mins away from me (except maybe DH but I can't think of an example though). I'm really silly like that, but there's no need - and I won't enjoy my time at home/at work if I'm worried.
I don't go out or anything and don't spend much time away from him, although I do work (15 mins away! ) and think that on the weekend, I want to spend time with DS.

I know I'm silly, but he's only a baby once. Plus I have major paranoia and a vivid imagination of things happening when I'm not there and I would not be able to do anything, and would never ever forgive myself.

He doesn't see them very often because they live the other side of the country. They have never babysat him or spent any time alone with him.
MIL 'doesn't do nappies'.
PIL is a 'traditional' man and doesn't do anything mundane so he wouldn't change a nappy. (What I'm saying is that's just the way he is and I'm not arguing - I don't agree, it's not the way it is in our house.)

Finally, and this is the big one, DS doesn't speak English, and PILs don't speak anything else.
They are very annoyed and 'saddened' that DS doesn't speak English, but he will learn it in time. The language of our home (my DH included) is not English.

AIBU and how do I get around this without being (a) mean, because of course they want to spend time with their DGS, and I'm not trying to stop them, but there are practicalities...
and (b) racist on the language issue.

OP posts:

Rockbird · 08/06/2010 20:20

Those of you who questioned being able to communicate with your children before they could speak are forgetting that your ability to 'talk' to your children was based on them spending most of their life with you, you understanding their mannerisms and gestures. That is not going to happen with gps that live hundreds of miles away. Even my mother has to ask me what dd means sometimes and we all speak the same language. Except I am used to the way dd says things. I'm glad the op isn't my daughter in law, that's all.

loobylu3 · 08/06/2010 21:08

This isn't about the zoo trip/ nappies or the language difference.

If it was about the zoo trip, you could have:
a) suggest that it might be better for you to come to the first time
b) suggest a trip closer to home or for a shorter time.

If it was about the language, you could have:
a) taught DS a few words of English to use with his grandparents
b) taught your PIL a couple of Welsh words to use with your DS, (who presumably isn't talking v fluently yet as he is not yet 2 yrs.)

The remark "I don't do nappies' was obviously meant as a joke. Of course, she must have changed a lot of nappies in her time- perhaps she just needs a reminder?!

YABU in not attempting to compromise/ communicate about simple and very minor issues with your child's grandparents. You obviously have issues with them but I am afraid you come across as over anxious and rather controlling.

allbie · 08/06/2010 22:02

My mil was one of those that shove the buggy in the road whilst trying to cross so I couldn't even stand the thought of her taking any of my kids anywhere. And she never really has without me tagging along. I'm over anxious, rather controlling and proud of it actually, oh and my kids are still alive and kicking, thankfully. Go with your instincts and sod everyone else.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 08/06/2010 22:05

lawks - do you think the PIL might throw the child to the lions?

UnrequitedSkink · 08/06/2010 22:28

Nappies and language barriers aside - FGS, the child is not yet two, he's a baby! He's a baby who won't understand that he's being taken out for a 'treat', and instead will think he's being given away to 2 strangers, who don't understand what he's saying. It could be extremely stressful for him, and in his best interests his mum should be minutes away if he needs her!

The OP only really gets to see him on weekends, (she's obviously not overly-protective, she allows him to be cared for by others while she works) he's her first child, the grandparents seem very keen to get rid of her, and really, there are years and years ahead of them where they'll be able to take him out on day trips.

GreenAndSilverStars · 08/06/2010 22:33

YANBU not to let him take them alone when there's a language barrier and nappies could be a problem. I would try going with them.

I can sympathise with the GPs though if basically you have a policy of try8ing to delay your son learning English until the last possible minute. So many kids seem to grow up quite happily bilingual with each parent being allowed to speak their own language. Your household seems rock-solidly a Welsh-speaking one so there's no danger of him not learning Welsh - it's hard to see what harm would come from him starting to learn English now. But if you really think he shouldn't - at least take seriously how the GPs must feel about it and try to feel a little sympathy for that view, even if they do also say stupid things out of ignorance about Welsh. At the moment you're in a position where you're likely to say to them that they can't have time alone with him because of the language barrier, but at the same time you're actively encouraging the language barrier. You are very effectively shutting them out, which must feel just awful to them and be very hard to understand.

I lived in Wales and said to a Welsh friend a few years ago that I would like to learn Welsh and she told me not to bother as nobody would speak to me if I did! The impression I got from her was that I'd only embarrass myself trying to learn something the locals wanted to keep as a locals-only language. Seemed daft to me. They're all just languages and surely the more languages we all speak the better.

dorisbonkers · 08/06/2010 22:38

if you profess to love language as much as you say you do (PhD) then you really, really should know better

GreenAndSilverStars · 08/06/2010 22:43

Family links are so important, surely more important than theories about the best way to bring up a Welsh-speaker (or a speaker of any single language)? Surely decisions about language should be focused initially on making the best short-distance links between people - family, and then local people. You seem to be saying 'first, my son has to be 100% perfect Welsh-speaking Welsh', 'second, he gets to build strong bonds with family'. Why not let him be only 99% perfect Welsh-speaking but have strong bonds with all his family by learning whatever languages are needed for that as early as possible, regardless of what those languages are?

I think that's what bothers me about this - I'll happily concede to someone more expert in the best way to bring up a 100% perfect speaker of - it's the prioritising of that as a goal over family bonds that would make me feel a bit uncomfortable. I know your ds will learn English eventually - but he could be making family connections now instead of seeing his GPs as almost strangers he can't speak to. That seems a shame.

dorisbonkers · 08/06/2010 22:48

my mother in law married a welsh farmer and learnt welsh and brought up 5 children in a welsh speaking family. She was always referred to as 'the English bitch'.

dorisbonkers · 08/06/2010 22:49

mother in law's mother, I mean. DU grandma

TheCrackFox · 08/06/2010 23:09

It will be interesting to see what kind of DIL DewinDoeth gets when her little boy is all grown up.

jellybeans · 08/06/2010 23:22

YANBU

My DCs didn't go on trips without me/DH till about 3 or 4 till I felt happy. They have a great relationship with GP and see them plenty. No harm in waiting till their older.

Conundrumish · 08/06/2010 23:40

Feeling a bit sorry for DD now (though getting mighty p'd off with you guys speaking Welsh so we can't understand - 'tis a bit rude) [and I'm 1/2 welsh, so not anti-Welsh]

GreenAndSilverStars · 08/06/2010 23:56

Well I do agree with her basically not wanting him to go with them to the zoo - it doesn't sound like it would be the best thing for her ds as things stand with him not speaking their language or vice versa, and them wanting to avoid doing nappies. She should definitely go too.

piscesmoon · 09/06/2010 07:56

I think she ought to seriously consider the fact that:
a, she will get a woman who isn't Welsh.
b, a woman who thinks that she is getting an addition to her own family and thinks DH is a foundling with no parents, grandparents, cousins etc-or if they are they have nothing to do with her!!
c,It might even be a Dutch woman who doesn't need to speak English to the DS because 'he will learn it in school' and her entire family and neighbourhood speak Dutch!!

ItNeverRainsBut · 09/06/2010 10:04

I can't believe all the people coming over here simply to have a go at the OP.

FWIW OP, if you are still around, I wouldn't have let my PIL take my nearly 2-year-old to the zoo without me, and there are no language issues and no nappy changing issues with them, just that they live too far away for my children to feel completely comfortable with them at that age. I would go on the zoo trip too so that they could spend time together but the child has the security of mummy being there too.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 09/06/2010 10:14

Itnever we are merely disagreeing with her. I don't believe I have had a go at her

Rockbird · 09/06/2010 10:36

NeverRains, I think most people disagreeing have issues with the way the relationship is apparently being conducted. My DD is 2.4yo and I would be twitchy about gps taking her off for the day. There are two seperate issues here.

Cyrli · 09/06/2010 11:57

We are also a Welsh-speaking family and my daughter (nearly 3) doesn't speak English. As a baby I did leave her with Engish speaking neighbour, but now that she does talk I wouldn't. She would get very upset and wouldn't feel safe.

Conundrumish · 09/06/2010 13:28

When I said I felt sorry for DD, I meant DewinDoeth obviously, not dear daughter.

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