to not want my PILs to take DS out for the afternoon?

[DewinDoeth]

He's nearly 2.
They want to take him to the zoo, but he's never been before, and I want to be there too (they want time alone with him, and they want me to 'enjoy myself' without him). Also the Zoo isn't 5 minutes away, it's more like 1 hour. I don't let anyone take DS more than 20 mins away from me (except maybe DH but I can't think of an example though). I'm really silly like that, but there's no need - and I won't enjoy my time at home/at work if I'm worried.
I don't go out or anything and don't spend much time away from him, although I do work (15 mins away! ) and think that on the weekend, I want to spend time with DS.

I know I'm silly, but he's only a baby once. Plus I have major paranoia and a vivid imagination of things happening when I'm not there and I would not be able to do anything, and would never ever forgive myself.

He doesn't see them very often because they live the other side of the country. They have never babysat him or spent any time alone with him.
MIL 'doesn't do nappies'.
PIL is a 'traditional' man and doesn't do anything mundane so he wouldn't change a nappy. (What I'm saying is that's just the way he is and I'm not arguing - I don't agree, it's not the way it is in our house.)

Finally, and this is the big one, DS doesn't speak English, and PILs don't speak anything else.
They are very annoyed and 'saddened' that DS doesn't speak English, but he will learn it in time. The language of our home (my DH included) is not English.

AIBU and how do I get around this without being (a) mean, because of course they want to spend time with their DGS, and I'm not trying to stop them, but there are practicalities...
and (b) racist on the language issue.

Ah, they're the kid of tourists who think that if the locals don't speak English, you just shout a little louder aren't they!

I would think a few words so they could communicate with their GS would be worth it.

I learnt a few words of Czech when I went to Prague FFS!

WidowWadman
Please- Os gwelwch yn dda
Thank you- Diolch

op I would let him go they will be fine.I think you need to relax a bit about it tbh.Lots of people would give anything to have a break from their dc tbh.he will really enjoy himself with the gps.

You sound very controlling.

I imagine your mil doesn't "do nappies" when you're there to do them. Given she's obviously had children of her own she must have done them at some point, and surely wouldn't not change your ds' nappy if there was no-one else to do it.

Nothing is going to happen if he spends the day with them, you do have to let go some time and allow him to develop a relationship with other family.

And sorry to say this, but IMO your refusing to allow him to learn english sounds like a deliberate attempt to inhibit the relationship between him and your ds' family, given you're happy for your own mum to have him but not your ILs.

yabu.

DavidTennantsGirl you're welcome in Wales any time!
Allnew good point, well made, and you're right, this is largely academic given that I often have to translate DS's Welsh conversation to native speakers, my own parents included!

BessieBoots If you live in Wales, there are many jobs that you will only be eligible for if you speak Welsh. What does his family think to that?

I thought YWNBU until I read that your mum has him whilst you work!

Sorry - going back to the nappies - if they have never looked after him alone, then why would they have done nappies. No-one likes doing them, and I wouldn't expect a grandparent to do it if I were there.

It does sound like a bit of an excuse to me - of course they'd change a pooey nappy if he needed it, wouldn't they?

I find it sad that his Gps have so many hurdles to overcome - language, trip out, nappies, separation anxiety - before they can feel connected to their DGS. It must feel like you're deliberately trying to keep them at arm's length, even if you're not.

If your DS spends a day or two in their company before the trip ( are they coming to stay?) he'd probably be fine but it sounds like you don't trust them. If they're fairly inept around toddlers then you'd be right, so only you can answer that one ( some people forget very quickly how carefully you need to watch small children).

If you're not comfortable then go with them, whatever they think. But I would suggest introducing your DS to English as the bond between GPs and GC can be very special.

I told them that Cretaceous- They were suitably impressed. They've come round a lot since DS1 has started speaking- He is bilingual.

wannaBe- She's not refusing to allow her DS to learn English, is she? She is speaking Welsh to her son, in Wales! Doing exactly what comes naturally to her.

op - how does your dh feel about his ds not being able to speak his language? Honestly?

How wouldy you feel if it was the other way around and your dh had insisted he learn english first and foremost and not learn Welsh?

wannaBe read it again - I am not refusing to allow him to learn English. That would be a challenge, that would involve staying at home with no media ever. And all windows and doors closed and soundproofed (the postman doesn't speak Welsh).
I think you have rather misunderstood the situation (or perhaps joined the thread at the last page!).

Everyone - I try not to be too mean to my PILs. They make life hard for me, but then again, I think it's lack of knowledge that leads them to make these strange comments. FIL says things like 'nobody speaks Welsh' (wrong; I can name 200 people who do, and there are more than half a million people who do). He says 'Welsh won't be around in a generation' (see DS); 'things have changed since you were a child because you were immersed in it but DS won't be' (many levels: yes things have changed but not that much and there is so much more Welsh language media stuff now; I wasn't immersed in it, at least not deliberately - I was as immersed in it as his DCs were in English i.e. in an English speaking family, in an English speaking community; DS isn't being immersed in it deliberately, but he is surrounded by it.)

Cretaceous indeed; I'm in one of those very jobs. I think, again, it's lack of any concept of what things are actually like; and, dare I say it, a bit of denial? (Fear of Different, always a big one - the whole 'they're all talking in Welsh and must be saying mean things about ME'.)
All of my education up to the age of 21 (first degree) was through the medium of Welsh. Including maths and science, and including my degree (not that common at degree level though). I then did a Masters at Oxford. DS's education will be too. But he will be bilingual.

bb but his father is English.

And I don't imagine that it was his idea not to speak to his son in his own language.

So yes, IMO op is refusing to allow her ds to speak english, and I imagine that while she does that she has the perfect excuse not to allow her ILs to have a one-one relationship with him. Perhaps that has to do with the fact that op is very overprotective, or perhaps it has to do with the fact she doesn't like them, or both.

They live 250 miles away so contact is limited.
Why oh Why do they think they can take him off for an afternoon with no other carer around that he knows.
i think some GP's just don't get that whilst it is very easy for an adult to feel comfortable in a strange childs prescence it is almost impossible for the child.

My DD, almost 2 is shy in my mum's company and she sees her once a month or so. she has seen my MIL 3 times so there is no way I would let her take her out for the day.

You are not being precious and I don't see why letting your mum care for him has any relevance.

As for the language barrier, good on you for teaching you son a 'minority' language. Why should you teach him English? Just so some ignorant oiks(me included) who can't learn a second language can speak to him.

And what would they do if he was deaf?

"How wouldy you feel if it was the other way around and your dh had insisted he learn english first and foremost and not learn Welsh? "

that would be pretty stupid wouldn't it, given they live in a wholly welsh speaking community. Presumably he speaks welsh for practicality's sake - as someone living in France with 1 french parent would surely teach their child French as their first language

The OP lives in a welsh-speaking area of Wales - and so Welsh will be her DS's mother tongue. It is best for a child to learn it's mother tongue first, and then to naturally (and very easily) acquire English second. The DS will then be able to speak both fluently. I don't think it's relevant to start questionning the OP on her motives for this

Wannabe, that's just silly. English is the dominant language, and will ALWAYS be learned by the children, regardless of what the parents do.

I was brought up by my parents speaking another language, but because I was the youngest of several children I was speaking both languages from the beginning, and sort of veered to English. But my eldest siblings only knew the other language until they went to school. We all speak to each other in English now, because that is our language, and for me especially. Sadly, my second language is stilted and little used. It is HARD work to stay fluent in a 2nd language...

Wannabe, if I was married to a welsh man and I spoke welsh I would prefer my child to speak it as their first language. Why do assume that the OPs DH is anything other than supportive of the situation ?

" Presumably he speaks welsh for practicality's sake - as someone living in France with 1 french parent would surely teach their child French as their first language "

By your logic I should speak English to my daughter then, rather than letting her have two first languages.

With any of the billingual families that I've known/met the parents speak to the children in their native languages e.g The French speaking father speaks exclusively to them in French while the English speaking mother uses only English with their child.

It's not the only way to do it,just the most common that I've encountered, and the OP's ds will pick up English via one means or another.

WidowWadman- 2 first languages is great if that comes naturally to you. But to some- like me and DH- It would be odd to speak English with DCs. Although English is DHs first language, he has always wanted to raise the children through the medium of Welsh.

I think DewinDoeth has hit the nail on the head with the lack of knowledge thing. I know many people who have been unaware that Welsh is a living, evolving language that many people use every day- It's not a museum piece!

Crap. Long post just lost.
Wannabe please say you're playing devil's advocate. Either that or you're my PILs conspiring...

DH is very supportive of Welsh. It is not possible to force a man to learn a language - afik there are no prison/boot camps where you're whipped if you don't learn Welsh - and he has done well from it. In short, he has been promoted at work and is now a judge in Wales (rather young too). He got the promotion because he had learnt Welsh and showed continuing interest; he is not expected to hear cases in Welsh because he's not that good yet (and yes, there are loads and loads of Welsh court cases - it's not that minority really) but he wants to keep improving because (a) he feels a sense of achievement - wouldn't you? I would, if I learnt a third language that well. (b) selfish reasons - he has got ahead by doing so. (c) He has been shown appreciation and (d) he has an acute sense of shame, making a group of 10 people (my family) change to his language when he is around, just for him.

If he made me speak English...well, how would he do that? Use force?? I wouldn't have married him and had his child if I had any idea that he was that kind of person; and ditto, if I suspected he didn't support my Welsh-speaking ways.

I am not doing this deliberately to thwart the grandparents - ffs, isn't that rather a lot of effort to go to?!

Precious and overprotective - maybe; I wasn't aware of those faults (good day today, 2 new faults! ) but I'm a first time mum, I have known loss (oops, that was overdramatic), and I'm generally a control freak in my day to day life.

GPs - I'm trying hard with them in a difficult situation, but I don't want to do mudslinging. But they have made it clear that I don't measure up.

This thread got suddenly lively! I've got to go in a minute to get DS, but I'll be back later.
Thanks to all for helpful and interesting comments!
Bob hwyl i chi i gyd!

I don't think YABU I don't believe being precious can harm children I am very over protective hardly ever let anyone take my ds and he was the only child in nursery who didn't cry and loves going he is certainly not anxious to be left alone.

I don't think you are being precious and see no reason why you cant all go to the zoo especially as you don't see them often I would have thought your dh would be glad to have a family day out with his parents .

I also don't think your language is anyone's business but yours and dp. If you are both happy then what does it matter to everyone else. I also agree that learning Welsh first is a good idea I am Welsh as far back as my roots go but was taught English and subsequently had a lot of trouble with Welsh in school (learnt French fine got a A* but failed Welsh). Hope you have a nice day at the zoo.