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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my PILs to take DS out for the afternoon?

145 replies

DewinDoeth · 07/06/2010 13:52

He's nearly 2.
They want to take him to the zoo, but he's never been before, and I want to be there too (they want time alone with him, and they want me to 'enjoy myself' without him). Also the Zoo isn't 5 minutes away, it's more like 1 hour. I don't let anyone take DS more than 20 mins away from me (except maybe DH but I can't think of an example though). I'm really silly like that, but there's no need - and I won't enjoy my time at home/at work if I'm worried.
I don't go out or anything and don't spend much time away from him, although I do work (15 mins away! ) and think that on the weekend, I want to spend time with DS.

I know I'm silly, but he's only a baby once. Plus I have major paranoia and a vivid imagination of things happening when I'm not there and I would not be able to do anything, and would never ever forgive myself.

He doesn't see them very often because they live the other side of the country. They have never babysat him or spent any time alone with him.
MIL 'doesn't do nappies'.
PIL is a 'traditional' man and doesn't do anything mundane so he wouldn't change a nappy. (What I'm saying is that's just the way he is and I'm not arguing - I don't agree, it's not the way it is in our house.)

Finally, and this is the big one, DS doesn't speak English, and PILs don't speak anything else.
They are very annoyed and 'saddened' that DS doesn't speak English, but he will learn it in time. The language of our home (my DH included) is not English.

AIBU and how do I get around this without being (a) mean, because of course they want to spend time with their DGS, and I'm not trying to stop them, but there are practicalities...
and (b) racist on the language issue.

OP posts:
BessieBoots · 07/06/2010 21:11

FGS... Has she not said that the child will pick up English when he's still small? Do you really think that she should change the language she speaks with her DH just so her child can understand his grandparents a few months earlier? I think it's disrespectful to presume that Welsh-speaking people in Wales should feel obliged to speak any other language with their children. I also think that people say that others have a chip on their shoulder about something when they don't understand it themselves.

thesecondcoming · 07/06/2010 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EddieIzzardismyhero · 07/06/2010 21:21

Stop speaking in bloody Welsh so we can't understand you!

DD, you're totally not being U - I would never let my ILs do this and they speak the same language and see a lot more of my DC than yours do of your DS.

But then you know all about the fab relationship I have with my MIL .

I think the idea of going with them, but having a quick coffee on your own is the perfect compromise - and in fact we did something very similar this weekend just gone. All went on a day out, but dh and I wandered off on a couple of occasions to give more bonding time.

I wouldn't leave them on their own at the moment for dozens of reasons which I shan't bore you with .

WidowWadman · 07/06/2010 21:22

"If I had said we were living in, say, Italy, and he's only learning Italian, and will be going to an Italian school, would it be as much of a problem?"

In my opinion, yes. It probably would be even worse as the kid would have no chance of picking up English other than through school and therefore be deprived of bilingualism.

All my family speak English, still they'd be annoyed (and quite rightly so) if I didn't make an effort to teach my daughter German, not only the language, but also about the culture.

I guess with Welsh it's different, as you know that he'll be immersed in the language sooner or later, however, I can understand the grandparents.

WidowWadman · 07/06/2010 21:24

Bessieboots - nobody has said she should start speaking English with her husband. OPOL would mean that the husband speaks English only with the child. Welsh can still be (and in this situation I guess should be) the main family language.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 07/06/2010 21:24

From the moment they are born, we have to learn to let them go bit by bit....

It must be quite sad for the GPS not to be able to communicate with your son. Can't work out why, your DH doesn't speak English if that is ALL his parents speak

janeite · 07/06/2010 21:29

I think yabu sorry. Your pils have had children - they will know how to pick up on non-language cues for if your ds needs a drink/etc so it doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English.

I am also quite surprised that your dh hasn't made any attempt (have I read this right?) to use his mother tongue with his child at all.

You really don't let your dh have full responsibility for parenting at any point - ie: to take his child more than 20 minutes away from you? I am shocked and saddened at that tbh - do you not trust him to be a parent?

The only thing I understand of your OP is that the zoo is too far away but I think you really ought to consider letting pils take him to a nearby park, or babysit him in your house for an hour whilst you go out with your dh or something.

Otherwise, how on earth will he cope with starting nursery, or whatever - and more to the point, how will you cope yourself?

janeite · 07/06/2010 21:46

How did I manage to kill this then?

hairytriangle · 07/06/2010 21:55

YANBU. It's up to you who you allow to take your child out without you and if you're not ready, no-one has the right to argue. Can't you make it a family outing?

Jamieandhismagictorch · 07/06/2010 22:15

Dewin - would you mind answering the point a couple of us made about the nappies - do you really think the PIL wouldn't change a pooey nappy if you weren't there?

Frankly, I wouldn't change a child's nappy if the parents were there to do it for me - maybe that's what MIL meant. Let's face it, it's not a very enjoyable task.

You just don't seem to have a very high opinion of them, which is a shame, since they raised your DH

pointydog · 07/06/2010 22:17

I think you;re being mean

thesecondcoming · 07/06/2010 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 07/06/2010 22:20

BTW, - Is it not true that there are also plenty of carers out there, caring for babies/children when they don't have a good grasp of the child's language? I'm thinking of au pairs and nannies in ex-pat communities abroad

RunawayWife · 08/06/2010 08:26

Control freak springs to mind

whatname · 08/06/2010 11:49

you are a control freak
and you are quite mean.
how can you not see that a child should spend time with grandparents.
that relationship is precious, and you are denying your child and your husbands parents
think you should loosen the apron strings love
what the hell are you going to do when he goes to school?

piscesmoon · 08/06/2010 14:36

What goes around comes around. You may well be a MIL one day. Of course you can let your DS go out with them to the zoo! It isn't healthy to be so controlling. A break will do you both good.

giveitago · 08/06/2010 15:51

I get the impression you're not so keen on your ils. No big deal and how you raise lo to be bilingual is your business.

However, if your mum has alone moments with lo why can't they and if your lo is uncomfortable with them it is because it's been set up that way with the language.

My dh has failed to speak to our ds in his language and I've noticed he's not mad keen on mil, possibly because he cannot communicate with her. In your efforts to help your dh with welsh you've marginalised his family.

I studied in Wales and some of my English friends did Welsh degrees with no prior knowledge of the language and did absolutely fine (better than the Welsh speakers in some instances). I wouldn't worry too much about OPOL language approach scuppering your lo's chances tbh.

Rockbird · 08/06/2010 16:10

It's all making sense now. It is about the in laws. This is just a continuation of the other thread. Can't believe the selfish so and so's want to take him to the zoo . What kind of weird people are they??? They'll be wanting to speak to him next...

ItNeverRainsBut · 08/06/2010 17:15

The issue is really whether the OP's DS would be comfortable being in the care of his GPs for an afternoon without his mum, given he doesn't see them all that often. You can't expect a toddler to be happy to just go off with relatively unknown people, it's not fair on him. That's not being precious, it's just how toddlers are.

I'm also surprised how many people seem to think that not speaking the same language mean that the GPs won't be able to communicate with their grandson. Did none of you have any communication with your children before they were verbal? I bet if the OP's FIL put her DS on his lap and sang that nursery rhyme "this is the way the ladies ride" while bouncing him up and down, he'd get a very (loud, happy) communicative response.

pigletmania · 08/06/2010 17:22

Let him go, however it is a bit that they dont do nappy changes what if he needs one at the zoo. Let them take him I am sure that they will change his nappy, enjoy yourself you are being a bit precious, he is 2 not 2 months. I must be the worse mum in the world from birth I often let dds godparents take her out and look after her (she had colic and i had PND so found it hard to cope at first) It meant she had a change of scenery, and i could relax, go shopping (for myself of course) or just spend time with just me and dh.

giveitago · 08/06/2010 17:31

So the best then would be for the OP to go with them to the zoo.

OK, ils don't get their time alone like the other granny does but it does mean that her ds can learn some songs in the English language- and being a nipper he'll be speaking English and communicating with his gps within the afternoon and won't be so worried about being left alone in their company.

Poor op ends up with a preschooler who can communicate with his gps.

RunawayWife · 08/06/2010 17:37

I think you are seriously fucked up.

you wont let your child more then 20 minuets away from you, little note you might want to consider something terrible could happen with you in the next room so this is stupis

You let you mum have your child but not your husbands parents

You have made sure your child can not talk to or understand your husbands parents

You need to get a grip on the real world and your husband needs to grow a back bone and tall you to stopping fucking up HIS childs relationship with his parents

Grow up and be a proper mother to your child not the control freak you seem to be

mumblechum · 08/06/2010 17:43

On the basis only of having read your OP, I'm afraid you come across as an utter loon who is doing her child absolutely no favours.

mumblechum · 08/06/2010 17:43

Agree the OP's dh needs to grow a pair.

piscesmoon · 08/06/2010 18:16

Grandparents don't need language to have a good time and be responsible for a grandchild. OP should pay great attention to the fact that she has a DS and one day she may have a DIL who trusts her own mother and no one else (and can't/won't speak Welsh)!