to resent being the breadwinner?

[Ellelie]

Ok, difficult, complicated one but I'll try to explain concisely:

Been with partner for 5 years, have a 1 year old and am pregnant with second.

We're moving from our 2 bed flat to a 3 bed house in the next month or so.

Partner has never been a career type (has always dreamt of an artistic life but never got it - ie he's a dreamer), so I earn the money. He's got a good but lowly paid job in an art gallery.

Partner is from a 'poor' family: parents were teenagers when they had their first - had 4 kids in the end. Did a great job in very tough circumstances but one thing they didn't ever instill in their kids was an understanding of the value of money. They just spend all their money every month (and more) and have basically brought their kids up to do the same. My partner has never saved a penny and is only now (because of me) beginning to see that it's important and is now trying (although failing because he just doesn't earn enough).

In order to move house, my parents are giving us a very substantial amount of money, which I've had to accept but feel sh*t about (I like to make my own way and have never taken money before). All the moving costs - stamp duty, solicitors etc - are being paid for by my savings. Partner feels terrible about this but, as he has nothing, there's nothing he can do.

I have to work very hard (in education) to earn the money and will have continue to work hard right up to the due date of my child and although I'd LOVE to take a year off after the birth, I'll have to go back to my very high-stress work environment much sooner than that.

We need a new boiler, amongst other things, for the new house and it seems that (from things he's been saying recently), my partner won't be able to contribute to this, so I'll have to pay for it. He's told me he doesn't have the money for a holiday this year, so I'll have to pay for both of us if I want one (which I really do).

My partner (and his siblings) have started giving their parents money every month because they feel they haven't got enough to enjoy themselves. To me, this is because they spend without reference to what they've got and take no responsibility whatsoever of their finances. And because his money is so tight, I literally can't believe he's doing this. It makes me feel depressed and that I've made a terrible mistake choosing him as a partner. I'm scared about this feeling.

So, my question is: Am I being unreasonable to feel resentful that I'm shouldering the financial burden here? Or should I appreciate (which I do try to do) that my partner is doing his best with a small amount of money and trying to look after his mum and dad too (who've had a tough life). Should I accept this? Because I'm from a typically middle-class 'look after your money' type family, I worry that I'm being sort of tight. But I can't help the feeling that I get every now and then - it just bubbles up. Self-pity and resentment. Which is no good for our relationship.

PLEASE HELP.

What does DP spend his wages on? Can you take control of all the finances and give DP an allowance? Therefore being able to budget for things properly?

This sounds like a tricky one, but, on the face of it, I'd say that any money coming belongs to the 'family' not just you or him. It just so happens you earn more of it. However, I'd like to know a bit more, e.g. does he do his share with regard to child care, housework etc?

The world is not black and white, and I'd say yes you can feel resentment, and like your last paragraph yes you should appreciate your partner doing his best.

If anything your partner should perhaps look to get a better job to support his requirements (of wanting to pay into a parent fund and support his family), rather than leave the burden on one half of you.

I think you are being unreasonable for him not having enough money. You knew he wasn't a high earner before you married him. Lots of people don't save because they can't afford to.

What does he do with his money. If he spends it on himself, then you are not being unreasonable but if he uses it to fund your life together then you are. He is doing his bit.

Imagine if this were the other way round and a man was complaining about paying for his wife's holiday.

The giving money to parents bit though . Nip that in the bud NOW.

BTW I'd be REALLY pissed off at him giving his parents money if you can't afford it. It is not your fault they nevetr learnt to add up and take away!!

So sorry, no help but so empathise, am also breadwinner, and pner,who loves his children, gts to do all the things I set up when he was working (giminis, ballet etc) and I get to do all the nagging at beginning and end of day.
Will miss all end of term activities for children, sports day etc, but console self with fact...AM BRINGING HOME COLD HARD CASH.If pner then gave it elsewhere, I would find it v hard to deal with!
Am not allowed to book holiday tho' cos 'we can't afford it'. He v tight with money I earn...
The self pity and resentment are hard to beat!

I had exactly your problem until very recently. Although it was before DD came along, it took a split and me meeting someone else (and realising that he definitely wasn't right for me) for us to see sense.

For me that meant accepting, to an extent, my now DH's lack of drive to earn more money. For him, that meant realsing what he wanted - a family life with me - and promising that he would work to become the breadwinner eventually.

Times are tight and I have to go back to work when DD is 6 months which I do resent. However, DH's salary is creeping up very slowly, he's doing a lot of training and for the time being interest rates are low, so I'm going back PT whether it's financially viable or not. That way we're at least joint earners. As interest rates go up, DH will simply have to find a solution.

It's not perfect, but I do feel that DH is doing his bit and he has promised that he will do more. The sacrifice he is making is that he's in a job that is nothing like his ideal (he's an arty type too) but he's doing well in it anyway. I think that's the very least your DP should agree to try.

FWIW I think it's outrageous that he should be subbing his parents before looking out for his own children. If he can't see any of this, maybe you're right and you have made a mistake.

Our circumstances are very similar. DH and I are both university educated but DH just isn't the career type. He has been in poorly paid jobs since he left and as long as things are ticking along he is content.

I don't earn massive amounts as I am in the public sector but I am the main bread winner, and due DC2 in September. It bugged me for a long time, I felt cheated really, I had met DH at university and assumed we would both go on to have good jobs.

However, I have to remind myself that all the things that I think make DH not a go getter have a positive side. He is very laid back and easy going, and when we left uni we moved for my job. So many people I know at work have partners 2 hours away in London with no sign of compromise. And, while DH has always been in low paid jobs, he works bloody hard at them. And now, after 6 years of being out of uni he is finally following his dream of setting up a photography business.

It also sound like you have different attitudes to money, which is similar to DH and I. But I think you need to stop talking about what money is yours and what is his. If you love him and he works hard you just need to accept him for who he is and stop talking baout what he is paying for and what you are paying for. You are a partnership now and have a shared life.

Paying money to his paretns is a different matter though, and one that you need to talk about. He needs to understand that his immediate family comes first and he needs to see his children right before anything else.

To be honest, it sounds like you're the one making sacrifices/compromises but he is not. He is able to have his "arty" job bringing in little cash while you have to focus on a stressful career to bring in the money. So YANBU.

Also, leaving aside the way his parents have been (they may not have had money to save, for example) your parents are now, effectively, helping to support his parents because he is giving money to them while you are being helped by yours. I realise that the money he gives his parents will be nothing like the amount yours have offered but the principle is that you perhaps wouldn't have needed as much if he weren't supporting his parents.

I suggest he gives up his artistic dreams for a while and tries to get a better paid job even if it is unskilled, etc. Or, that he negotiates for more money in his current or gets a better paid "arty" job.

I'd be a little disenchanted if I were you but I'm sure you can sort this if he is willing to compromise.

You're not unreasonable at all. Why isn't he contributing more? Why do you have to have all the money worries?

You say he's getting better and taking more responsibility, so hopefully he will improve.

Don't feel bad for feeling resentful. Ofcourse you do.

As for giving money to his parents when you have to borrow from yours, that's not on.

I agree with Bumper about sharing money. Things have been much easier for me since I learned to accept that our money is exactly that. Oh, and I've let DH sort out the bloody finances

I wonder if male bread winners feel like this?

OP - Wouldn't it be healthier to think of your income in terms of household income (joint) as opposed to his or yours? Then work out what you can afford without over extending yourselves and making yourselves stressed.. and perhaps resentful. Good luck.

I think YABU - a bit. My DH earns the most. I earn nothing. His job is to work outside the home and get paid for it. My job is to look after our kids so that he can work.

You need to sort this as it isn't fair. You knew what he was like then you had kids with him.

I agree with those who say this is a tricky one.

It's not as if your partner isn't working at all - he's just in a lower paid job than you, and you knew that when you got together.

On the other hand, I think relationships are a continual process of negotiation, and it may be that you need to sit down and redefine things. If he has the potential to earn more, but is staying in the art gallery as a kind of 'indulgence' then its reasonable that you at least have an upfront discussion about whether that's ok any more. There are many people who would love to potter around doing a low stress, arty job, but when there are bills to pay, we can't always have exactly what we want.

The other grey areas are the issue of how long to take on Maternity Leave - tbh, I think many women would find a whole year off a luxury they can't afford, so I don't think you can entirely blame your partner for this. Sit down and examine your finances and see what's realistic. Also, the issue of him giving money to his parents - hmmm, I would't feel very happy about that either, when money is tight. But on the other hand, you were given a lot of money from your parents, so maybe this has influenced his decision - he feels that your family has benefited from being gifted money, so he wants to help out his parents.

In short, I don't think either you or your partner are being totally unreasonable here - it's more complex than that, and it seems the underlying issue is that you were brought up with very different attitiudes to money. His parents did nothing to instil any responsibility in him financially, whereas you have a much more practical and realistic approach. You need to talk to eachother about how you feel and the best way forward.

I agree with to poster who said that you are making all the sacrifices. It is absolutely not on for him to be giving his parents money when you are having to accept money from your own parents to pay for essentials. Maybe he hasn't considered it from the point of view that your parents are effectively helping to subsidise his. I do think that all money should belong to the family unit and not be yours/his but he should be making the same effort that you are and maybe getting an additional job or changing career to bring in enough money to help support your family. I think he is behaving a bit like a teenager - sitting back and letting you have all the worry and responsibility

I can sympathise to an extent, but there really is more to life than having a man buy you shit! () - my partner doesn't earn much and doesn't have the qualifications to allow him to be able to do so. He wants to re-join the army... I can kiss my dreams of Chanel handbags goodbye!

I knew when I met him that he didn't have an endless supply of crisp twenties, but I chose him because I've never felt more loved or secure. When I've struggled in the early stages of this pregnancy he nursed me 24/7, he did all the housework/cooking/cleaning/dog-walking. He even offered to learn how to ride my horse so she'd get exercised. I'm unable to put a price on any of this. After our (first) baby is born next month then he'll do daycare after he's finished his shift at 10am. He still does the majority of the housework - he gets 80% of the shopping done and looks after me every single day.

I know it can be hard worrying about the money - and sometimes I don't think he's got a clue how much things cost. E.g., our dog got sick yesterday and he wanted to take her to the vet this morning - I asked him how much he had in his account - and he was surprised I was asking - maybe he doesn't realise that there's car insurance + 4D scan + horse livery fees + petrol all to be found & paid for before I get paid next. (Dog is much better this morning btw.)

What's your relationship/partnership like outside of the big pile of ugly red bills? Are you happy? Will you spend today playing in the park with the kids or planning a BBQ in your new garden or will it be a stressful, filled with arguments 48 hour fest of resentment?

Just because your friend's husband might be a good earner - doesn't mean they're happy or good men to be with. A friend recently told me that when she was 5 months pregnant and finding it difficult to walk fast and carry the shopping her high-earning partner turned to her and said "for God's sake, you're pregnant - not ill!"

PS I would nip the giving his parents money in the bud though. Maybe you could help out by sending a Tesco delivery once in a while?

skihorse makes some really excellent points.

Think back to what attracted you to this man in the first place. Was it, to a certain extent, his love of the arts, the fact that he doesn't feel he has to 'sell his soul' and do some faceless job just to earn big bucks?

I still think that all relationships need to be renegotiated along the way, and I don't think its fair for anyone to just remain with the status quo if its clearly unfair on the rest of the family. In other words, if he could earn more and you need the money, then maybe he has to temporarily do something else. But neither is it fair to totally expect someone to change from the person you hooked up with.

When I together with my DH, he made it quite clear that when we had children, he didn't want to have the pressure of earning all the money, doing some really high pressure job which took him away from the family, and meant he hardly saw the children. He wanted to be a hands on dad, with equal responsibility. It would therefore have been very unreasonable of me to suddenly expect him to take on that role. It seems as though you knew what you were entering into, so I think you need to look at the positives. If he's a great dad, who is building a great relationship with his kids, then that's worth a lot more than a fat salary.

"What does DP spend his wages on? Can you take control of all the finances and give DP an allowance? Therefore being able to budget for things properly?"

If a a female poster reports that her partner is doing this to her he usually gets called a knob.

Widowwoman - you're not wrong there! There'd be recommendations for divorce lawyers and cries to call Women's Aid!

I think that YABabitU, mainly because you are thinking of it as your money and his money. Surely it all belongs to both of you and you should both decide how it is spent? I say this as the one who earns the least in our house, but we had several years when it was the other way round. I think you need to talk about what your priorities as a family are and then decide how your money is going to be spent. Hopefully then you can afford the boiler and a holiday as a family and can decide together whether it is the right time for you to be giving his parents money?

I do sympathise to a certain extent as I earn more than DH, always have done and probably always will do. I do hate the fact I had to go back to work after ML of 6 months and every now then I wistfully dream of a day where I could be a SAHM. However, I am assuming you knew the likely career trajectory for DH when you met him which indicates that there are many other reasons why you married him, possibly his arty nature in itself. I knew when I married DH that he was in the construction industry, self-contracting, and that as such there would be periods when he was out of work (far too many recently thanks to the recession!). My mum even suggested that he wasn't the man for me due to this instability of income and he wasn't a univeristy educated doctor/dentist etc. (terrible snob my mother, she came round in the end) and, like you, we had very different upbringings both emotionally and financially). However, although sometimes I do get frustrated, I accept that he works hard as much as he can. When he earns everything, is split equally and he contributes just about all of his wages to household expenses. I love him, not for his wage packet or his career, for him and I think this is what you should focus on otherwise it will eat you up and destroy your relationship.

on and nip the giving parents money in the bud right now!

I think helping is parents is good, would you not help your parents if they needed it? It seems fine when its the other way round (ie your parents funding your move) but not the other way. It doesnt sounds like helping his parents is leaving him with no money at all towards your household.

I think YABU. It should be household income not his and hers. If this post was from a man moaning about his wife then there would be uproar yet it seems fine the other way round.

If you feel stressful in your job then find something you will enjoy. We spend many many years at work so having a job that you like makes this a lot easier. If you can afford to move to a larger house and have more children then you are hardly on the breadline so should be able to move jobs so there would be areas you could cut back on. The kids could share for quite a few years so a move is really a luxury.

YABU, your partner is doing what he can and earning what he can at the moment. So what if you earn more? I earn more than my DH and I never feel resentful for anything because what he does for us as a family is worth more than any money could ever give us. He probably gets more frustrated by it than me tbh. I dont really mind, it would be nice to have more money in the house but I am very happy with my family and wouldnt change it for the world. It is really irrelevant as to who earns what as we pool our money together each month to pay off all the bills and if something is left over we share it between ourselves for a treat and also savings.

I also went back to work at 6 months but cant say I felt resentful about it, that is just the way it is and you have to accept it otherwise you need to re-evaluate the relationship you have and find a richer more career driven partner (who you might never see) and might also resent that he earns more than you!!!

HappyMummy - I also feel a little uneasy about the sexism.

If this was a man complaining about his wife not earning enough (even though she were working, just in a lower status job) then there would be uproar.

And I also think it's a little unreasonable that the OP is berating her DH for contributing towards his parents bills, when she's quite happily taken lots off her parents to enable them to move to a nice house.

Sit down and have an honest conversation about your expectations.