to resent being the breadwinner?

[Ellelie]

Ok, difficult, complicated one but I'll try to explain concisely:

Been with partner for 5 years, have a 1 year old and am pregnant with second.

We're moving from our 2 bed flat to a 3 bed house in the next month or so.

Partner has never been a career type (has always dreamt of an artistic life but never got it - ie he's a dreamer), so I earn the money. He's got a good but lowly paid job in an art gallery.

Partner is from a 'poor' family: parents were teenagers when they had their first - had 4 kids in the end. Did a great job in very tough circumstances but one thing they didn't ever instill in their kids was an understanding of the value of money. They just spend all their money every month (and more) and have basically brought their kids up to do the same. My partner has never saved a penny and is only now (because of me) beginning to see that it's important and is now trying (although failing because he just doesn't earn enough).

In order to move house, my parents are giving us a very substantial amount of money, which I've had to accept but feel sh*t about (I like to make my own way and have never taken money before). All the moving costs - stamp duty, solicitors etc - are being paid for by my savings. Partner feels terrible about this but, as he has nothing, there's nothing he can do.

I have to work very hard (in education) to earn the money and will have continue to work hard right up to the due date of my child and although I'd LOVE to take a year off after the birth, I'll have to go back to my very high-stress work environment much sooner than that.

We need a new boiler, amongst other things, for the new house and it seems that (from things he's been saying recently), my partner won't be able to contribute to this, so I'll have to pay for it. He's told me he doesn't have the money for a holiday this year, so I'll have to pay for both of us if I want one (which I really do).

My partner (and his siblings) have started giving their parents money every month because they feel they haven't got enough to enjoy themselves. To me, this is because they spend without reference to what they've got and take no responsibility whatsoever of their finances. And because his money is so tight, I literally can't believe he's doing this. It makes me feel depressed and that I've made a terrible mistake choosing him as a partner. I'm scared about this feeling.

So, my question is: Am I being unreasonable to feel resentful that I'm shouldering the financial burden here? Or should I appreciate (which I do try to do) that my partner is doing his best with a small amount of money and trying to look after his mum and dad too (who've had a tough life). Should I accept this? Because I'm from a typically middle-class 'look after your money' type family, I worry that I'm being sort of tight. But I can't help the feeling that I get every now and then - it just bubbles up. Self-pity and resentment. Which is no good for our relationship.

PLEASE HELP.

'Really, you're "Middle-class" are you? Hmm... And there was I thinking that middle-class folk carefully thought about who they bred with beforehand? Yabu and totally up yourself!'

'I'm afraid "worrying about picking the wrong partner" and leaving him when he's NOT violent or abusive is a bit of a chav action. Doncha think?'

Hang on, is nobody else reading what I'm reading here? Middle-class folk, apparently, never choose the wrong partner. Anyone who does is a bit of a chav

What repulsive fucking snobbery. And the OP has retracted. Leave her alone.

Man, why is everyone at the OP? She's struggling wiht her hubby who is basically being self centreed, acting like a teenager by giving away his money however he sees fit without a partnership approach.

OP, try to work it through WITH him. Yanbu to feel resentful that you are the only one worried about money. The fsct you earn more is incidental imo

Can I make two suggestions, that I don't think have come up yet?

1. If he's not paid that much, wouldn't it be better for him to SAHD, rather than paying childcare for two under-twos? Could that work?

2. Could you move out of London? I guess not, if you're in the process of moving house, but teaching is a job you can do up and down the country; and in many areas a teacher's salary would go much further.

Some truly nasty posts on here

Imo YANBU

Bet you feel like you have another child to provide for. Having all the financial responsibilty can be hard work and resentment can breed.

I also think it is completely out of order to borrow money from your parents and then for dh to give money to his parents. Bit of a piss take (by your dh).

The poster that recommends you protecting your investment talks sense.

I am not the snob here, OP is. Bleating on about how middle-class she is. Of course, middle-class people pick the wrong "partners" but according to her cliched view of middle-class behaviour (saving money)then they are more likely to stay together to look after children even when things get a bit tough between mother and father.
I think she is cherry-picking the nice middle-class bits she wishes to adhere to and sod the other virtues of "sticking things out", "stoicism" and putting children first.

I agree marantha.

And actually, a lot of posters tried to give sound advice, and saw both sides of the situation, but the OP just came back whining about how hard done by she is.

Geek - you need to read the thread properly. She doesn't have all the financial responsibility - he works too, he just doesn't earn as much. Also, she hasn't borrowed money from her parents. The money was given by her parents to help the couple buy a nice 3 bedroomed house! Funny that she was prepared to accept that, but bleats about her partner gifting money to his parents!

If anyone is behaving like a spoilt child, its the OP. Women like her do nothing for the feminist cause! She picks a partner to have children with, because she's attracted by his arty, non-ratrace type personality, but then complains because she seems to want a higher earning husband to keep her in the lifestyle she wants (even though the lifestyle is already funded by mummy and daddy!!)

What law is there that says the man should earn more money and the woman should behave like the helpless little wifey? Was it one from several centuries ago?

Has the OP said that middle class parents stay together? I don't remember that. Charles & Di were so very chav y'know, getting a divorce.

I think some people have been very unfair to the OP. Yes, she did know what her DH was like when she got into a relationship with him, but when you have Dc, your priorities change.Job satisfaction is lovely but the most imp thing is to feed, clothe and house your family. It seems to me that the responsibility for this has fallen to the OP, whilst her DH (who may well be lovely in many ways) is continuing to lead his happy carefree life in the knowlrdge that the OP will take care of everything financial. She is clearly struggling. I would be as mad as hell if my Dh was giving money we couldn't afford to his parents on a regular basis if we couldn't even afford for me to take proper maternity leave. I also don't see why she should go without holidays etc because he is continuing to do this. A possible solution would be for the DH to take a temp additional job (like evening bar work) so he could continue with the job he loves, but provide his wife with enough money to have her years maternity leave. I think this would go some way to easing the unhappiness to OP is currently feeling. It would be a show of support for something that is imp to her.

I agree that when you have children your priorities change - but that applies to both parents!

If you read the thread, you'll see that many posters, myself included, suggested exactly what you propose saslou - that the OP should sit down and talk to her partner about their expectations, and see what needs to be re-negotiated. But she seemed to respond with a whiney refusal to listen to any advice. She just wanted us all to say, oh poor you, how awful, you deserve a bloke who'll out earn you. If he was sitting at home doing nothing, then I'd think she had a point. (Even though it seems perfectly acceptable for many, for women to not work!) But he is working. Also - your point about Maternity Leave - one whole year is no 'proper' maternity leave. It is extended leave - the last part of it is unpaid, and it is more than many women can afford to take!!

no = not

Most women, being a zillion times more skilled and fun and useful than men in a general way, deserve to have a man who out earns them as this is likely to be his only real contribution to her life.

Ok, some posters are being really nasty, there is no need and this is what gives us a fucking bad name.

The op came on a politely said that she had taken on board opinions but felt that it was a mistake to post. Some people gave useful advice but the last bunch of posters are just being plain nasty.

People's feelings change as life changes for them. You cannot possibly predict what life or your feelings will be like once you have had kids. I completely understand the OP's resentment, yes it might be unreasonable but she is just trying to figure out how she feels.

Stop with the personal attacks such as 'chav' and 'up-yourself'. The op was just trying to put things into a context.

God, some of these posts make me ashamed to come on here

Agree saslou.

Violethill, I did read the thread. They need the money from her parents to afford the house yet dh can afford to sub his parents. Piss take imo. My gran gave us money towards our house deposit, I would have been furious having accepted that if dh was giving other money away.

Me too bumper. I've never come across this kind of snobbery on here or anywhere else before.

Why on earth should he take a second job? They are hardly on the breadline, its just that the OP wants more money to spend on luxuries like holidays.

If a woman posted "my husband wants me to get a second job at night so that we can have x" I cant imagine one person would agree.

Teachers get paid maternity leave so no reason she cant take some maternity leave - it may not be 12 months but millions of mums dont get 12 months. She made the choice to move and increase their outgoings whilst knowing she would be on maternity pay so can hardly complain. Her DP's salary has not changed so finances would have been known from the start of planning a new baby.

We have no idea of the amount he is giving his parents - it could be a token gesture. As the OP appears to keep her earnings then the DP should have some say re his.

I'd far rather have a happy DP that likes his work than a miserable one who feels he has to do a job day in day out he hates just so that two weeks in the sun can be afforded.

Bonsoir.

Agree most strongly.

'They need the money from her parents to afford the house yet dh can afford to sub his parents. '

Or rather, the OP wanted to move to a 3 bedroom house and got the deposit off her parents. They didn't need a 3 bed house, she wanted one. Big difference.

I agree HappyMummy - there's a lot of sexism at work here! Why do so many women find it so hard to get their head around the idea that they have equal responsibility for the partner they pick? If you want some elderly, boring father-figure who will earn wads of cash but be out of the house 16 hours a day, to enable you to spend your life lunching and shopping, then go for it! If you want a man you actually find interesting, who wants to spend time with his children, then go for it! Just don't pick a certain type and then whinge about it!

You frequently see female posters on here being told they should get a job if their household income doesn't support the family. Why the calls of sexism?

Right, I have to hide this thread and hope I don't have the misfortune to come across marantha and violethill too regularly.

DH earns far less than I do and is completetly uninterested in earning more. However, he is a fantastic dad, does all the cooking, does all the gardening and we share the rest of the chores. I'd rather have those things any day over a high earning man.

(sigh) he has a job.

Right: Show me a thread where a man complains that his wife (who is already working, with a one year old child) isn't earning enough, and the general response is 'Good god, lazy bint, she should be getting a better paid job'.

No, thought not.

Violethill - I didn't get that impression from the OP.I think the main bone of contention is that he is giving money to his parents when he doesn't have enough to pay for a new boiler etc. I didn't get the sense that she wanted him to earn more than her (apologies if I've missed that somewhere), but that she wanted him to spend what he had on their home etc and not on his parents, while leaving the bulk of the expenses to the OP. She says he feel bad about taking money from her parents, but not bad enough to stop giving money to his own parents or to supplement his income with an additional job. I know lots of women can't take a full years mat leave (I couldn't when I had DS 1 and had to go back when he was 8wks), but maybe the OP could if her DH made some adjustments. I don't think the OP is comfortable with taking money from her parents in the light of her DH not putting everything he has into the family pot. Think it might be different if her was.

Exactly salou.

I suspect the op is moving house to better life for her dc's. A bit like we did last year.

Why is it posters get jumped on for improving their quality of life? Anyone who doesn't live in a flat or rented seems fair game for attack

Wow there are some nasty people on here! Poor OP - she certainly doesn't deserve some of these personal attacks.

I don't think having a holiday if you work full time should be a luxury, and I don't think wanting to move to a bigger home for the sake of her children is in any way unreasonable (plenty of you moan about wanting a bigger place).

IMO her partner should recognise she is unhappy and struggling with shouldering all the financial burden, and help her out.

The OP could have stayed in the 2 bedroom place; their child is only 1 year, the other one isn't born yet - sharing a bedroom won't be an issue for, say, the next 5 years at least. That way, they wouldn't have to spend on the boiler and other maintenance issues.

Saving on all the other things (higher mortgage, solicitors fees, moving costs etc) might have meant the OP could take the extended maternity leave.

In 5 years time, childcare costs won't be the same burden, so they could plan to move up the housing ladder then - and do it independently without handouts from parents.

These things are choices. We can't all have what we want, when we want it.

The DHs family have been completely crap with money and have blown all theirs over the years and are now being financed by their grown up DCs so they can have a good time. The OPs parents have been careful, so they can now help out their DD with her house but because of the actions of the OPs DH, their carefulness is helping to pay for the good time enjoyed by DHs parents. And people are wondering why this breeds resentment from the OP.

I think her DH is acting like a child. If you've got DC then you may have to do a job you dislike in order to pay for them. If the OP was sat at home insisting her DH earn more money, then I could understand lack of sympathy for her, but she is doing a job she dislikes, to provide for her family. Only fair that her DH pulls his weight. He might not want another job or to stop spending on his parents, but sometimes you just have to suck it up (hate that phrase, but it seems apt) like the OP is