to resent being the breadwinner?

[Ellelie]

Ok, difficult, complicated one but I'll try to explain concisely:

Been with partner for 5 years, have a 1 year old and am pregnant with second.

We're moving from our 2 bed flat to a 3 bed house in the next month or so.

Partner has never been a career type (has always dreamt of an artistic life but never got it - ie he's a dreamer), so I earn the money. He's got a good but lowly paid job in an art gallery.

Partner is from a 'poor' family: parents were teenagers when they had their first - had 4 kids in the end. Did a great job in very tough circumstances but one thing they didn't ever instill in their kids was an understanding of the value of money. They just spend all their money every month (and more) and have basically brought their kids up to do the same. My partner has never saved a penny and is only now (because of me) beginning to see that it's important and is now trying (although failing because he just doesn't earn enough).

In order to move house, my parents are giving us a very substantial amount of money, which I've had to accept but feel sh*t about (I like to make my own way and have never taken money before). All the moving costs - stamp duty, solicitors etc - are being paid for by my savings. Partner feels terrible about this but, as he has nothing, there's nothing he can do.

I have to work very hard (in education) to earn the money and will have continue to work hard right up to the due date of my child and although I'd LOVE to take a year off after the birth, I'll have to go back to my very high-stress work environment much sooner than that.

We need a new boiler, amongst other things, for the new house and it seems that (from things he's been saying recently), my partner won't be able to contribute to this, so I'll have to pay for it. He's told me he doesn't have the money for a holiday this year, so I'll have to pay for both of us if I want one (which I really do).

My partner (and his siblings) have started giving their parents money every month because they feel they haven't got enough to enjoy themselves. To me, this is because they spend without reference to what they've got and take no responsibility whatsoever of their finances. And because his money is so tight, I literally can't believe he's doing this. It makes me feel depressed and that I've made a terrible mistake choosing him as a partner. I'm scared about this feeling.

So, my question is: Am I being unreasonable to feel resentful that I'm shouldering the financial burden here? Or should I appreciate (which I do try to do) that my partner is doing his best with a small amount of money and trying to look after his mum and dad too (who've had a tough life). Should I accept this? Because I'm from a typically middle-class 'look after your money' type family, I worry that I'm being sort of tight. But I can't help the feeling that I get every now and then - it just bubbles up. Self-pity and resentment. Which is no good for our relationship.

PLEASE HELP.

Ouch. Nice thread . I'm the breadwinner and I can identify with much of what the OP says. Having to be the one who both earns and worries about the finances is a big burden. Personally I wouldn't even consider a holiday if it meant less mat leave. I'd love to be in that position, having financial room for something to give so I can afford to stay home with this next baby for a while. I think both parties could compromise a little here and be much happier as a result - no holidays and a lodger in the new house, more cash and hence more mat leave. Having options is a luxury many families don't have, even if they aren't the options you'd like most.

"if we couldn't even afford for me to take proper maternity leave."

I'll let my Dutch colleagues know. The UK is exceptional in allowing such an extended maternity leave - however, it's cutting off your nose to spite your face if you simply can't afford it. I notice saslou, that in your subsequent post you went back to work after 8 weeks - far from ideal I'm sure - but need's must et al.

We have no idea how much OP's partner is giving to his parents - could be 100 quid a month for all we know.

I do know however that you can't come whining about a broken boiler and then moan about your holiday/new house. That's a bit like me saying I can't afford to eat this month AND my new saddle won't buy itself.

The UK isn't that exceptional - friends of mine in Germany are getting over a year's paid leave, of which she's taking half and her partner's taking half.

TartyMcFarty I am not judgemental if people choose to divorce/separate- the reason the OP's opening post irritates me is the undertone of the initial post which seems to be:

"I'm from a solid, good middle-class family who save hard and my partner is not as good as I am because his parents were teenagers when he was born and do not share the good old-fashioned middle-class values that I have".

Well, OK, in itself I wouldn't comment on this, however, what pees me off is that the OTHER so-called good middle-class values she seems not to possess i.e. holding firm and accepting that as she has children with this man and he is basically decent she should not waste her time worrying and just get on with it.
Where is her good old middle-class value of marrying before having children?
Or discussing what the financial arrangments would be when children were born?

To me the OP comes over as the sort of person who led a bit of a bohemian lifestyle for a while and now earns for a bit more stability. OK, this happens but I'd have a bit more sympathy if she stopped going on about how great her middle-class values are and how her partner's family are somehow lesser than hers because they don't share them.

Bottom line: Don't go on how about how great your values are unless you're actually living by those values.

OP - Have not read whole thread, but I think you are getting a hard time.

I think that there is a fundamental difference between you and your partner in how you view money/ security etc. etc.
You have been bought up in two households who have very different views on how money should be utilised.

Some people are savers; view savings as security and believe money should be put away for a rainy day. Others believe that life is too short, money is a means to an end and whatever happens, you will get by. (Giving two polar opposites as example). I dont believe either view is right or wrong, but what I do believe is that when two people with very different views try and run a household together; it can be fraught with difficulties. I dont think for any minute that you are materialistic and can see where you are coming from.

However, you knew what he was like when you met him, it is not for him to change. If he does not want to move into a high earning job, so be it. IMO - you have a decision to make, either you accept him for who he is and accept that you are the higher earner. Or, you continue to resent him - and that is a path to no happy place.

DS2 has just woken, so have to run. But please make sure you consider Xenia's advice. If it is your parents money being used, be very careful on how you set up the house purchase. Otherwise he could end up with 50% of it if you do go your separate ways.

In summary YANBU to feel the way you do. But YABU to expect him to change now you have DC's.

I do hope that you manage to sort this out. Does he know that you have these feelings?

he needs to go out and get another job. i went back to work full time in a stressful education job, as i was the bread winner, i deeply resented it, not having enough time with my baby. i think your partner is being very selfish. he could get an evening job too. people work hard to look after their families. He needs to face up to his responsibilities - get an evening job in a supermarket if needs be, and allow you to work part time at least

It has been very interesting to read this thread just after the SAHM thread. Those posts pondering how men must feel to have to be the main breadwinnner and be what some people describe as a 'wage slave' have really been answered by this thread.

I think if you knew what he was like when you met him, perhaps it wasn't a great idea to get so involved with him then starting a family if you knew he was bad with money. Finance is such a huge factor in any relationship, esp when children come into the equation.
I have a friend just now who is the main breadwinner and like your DP, her DP is very arty-minded and only does a part time job in a supermarket whilst she's out earning a full-time professional wage (he plays XBox when she's at work). And she's still waiting on him to proprose and start a family yet she doesn't realise he's not the type to take care of things financially, so she's always going to be the one worrying over finances.

I personally didn't go out looking for someone who was rich (and we're not rich by any stretch of the imagination!!), but did want to meet someone who could financially support me and my DC whilst I was raising them. You have to be realistic afterall. Someone has to go out and earn the money.

Kalo, why does all the responsibility fall to him - just because he is male?

They both chose to have a child, why should it be an automatic right that the mum gets what she wants yet the father has to work every hour god sends? They both have a financial responsibility towards the child not just him.

Spot on with those last posts, MillyR and HappyMummyofOne.

There is no automatic expectation any more that the woman's place is at home and the man's place is to earn the crust. Neither are there the huge barriers that there used to be which prevented choice (eg women being barred from certain professions, or being forced to stop work if they married).

Having a child takes two - and the responsibility for that child - financial, emotional, and everything else, falls to both parents. Many men these days want to be a hands-on parent just as much as the mother. I certainly wouldn't have picked a partner who saw his responsibility as just working all hours and hardly seeing his children. I wanted a father who would build a really close, hands on relationship with our children.

Seems to me there are an awful lot of basic things the OP didn't discuss with her man before deciding to have children with him

"Seems to me there are an awful lot of basic things the OP didn't discuss with her man before deciding to have children with him "

that's more or less along the same lines I was going with my post aswell violethill. They didn't really discuss the practicalities of what it was going to be like when children were added into the equation.

The trouble is that you have different value systems - and you're going have to reconcile the two.

You need to nip the giving parents money in the bud though -

Just read the whole thread and see that the OP would rather this were not discussed further.

I was interested in this thread because I earn somewhere between 3 and 4 times what DH earns. It's never really been an issue for us.

The difficulty here is that the OP wants a lifestyle she can't fund on her own - to which there are only three possible solutions, I think -

(1) Earn more so that you can afford it - which is easier said than done
(2) Learn to accept a lower standard of living - ditto
(3) Push your DH into working harder - probably impossible and certainly unwise

The parental angle is interesting as well. Totally sure about the unwisdom of becoming financially responsible for (his) parents. Not very sure about the wisdom of accepting money from (her) parents.

"he needs to go out and get another job. i went back to work full time in a stressful education job, as i was the bread winner, i deeply resented it, not having enough time with my baby. i think your partner is being very selfish. he could get an evening job too. people work hard to look after their families. He needs to face up to his responsibilities - get an evening job in a supermarket if needs be, and allow you to work part time at least "

So he should get a second job, allowing him much less time with his family, than he would have with "only" a full time job, so that his wife could afford to go part time? What a stupid stupid sexist idea.

Am not clear why you don't get paid mat leave as a teacher such that there would be little or no financial advantage to returning to work within the first 6 months?

OP, I think you should come back, as I think you'd find it interesting to clarify your thoughts. Friends often only tell you what you want to hear. I agree with Quattrocento.

1. The money to the PIL - on one hand it is unfair, but on the other it's lovely that your OH loves his parents enough to look after them. It's perhaps an indication of how he will treat you in years to come. I guess it also depends on how much money it is - after all, another way of looking at it is that your parents are handing over money to his parents!

2. Your maternity leave - can't you somehow take your full entitlement, if that's such a major issue for you. You could put a lodger in the third bedroom. We had some lovely lodgers when the children were small.

3. Your husband's job. You are never going to change his personality, so don't go hounding him to go for jobs that don't suit him. But perhaps he could apply for other better-paying jobs in the same field.

4. It sounds like he would have been happy living in the old flat, rather than getting money from your parents for the new house. If that is the case, it was pretty good of him to go along with it.

5. If you loved your job, you wouldn't resent your husband so much. Perhaps you should be looking for a new career after your maternity leave?

PS Perhaps you are just unsuited, though.

This thread is CRAZY; it's now actually amusing me.

I was having a wobble. I imagined talking to a friend (my friends don't tell me what I want to hear at all - they're too good) and my friend making me realise, GENTLY and KINDLY with knowledge that I too am a gentle, kind person, that I was being silly to worry, reminding me of my blessings etc but at the same time sympathising with my feelings (which are valid, I'm afraid).

I don't resent my partner most of the time. It was a feeling I had at that moment and a feeling that hits me now and again. Mainly, I am happy with my 'lot', very, and very grateful (as I am for my whole life - that poster early on who took my description of my childhood as a COMPLAINT! Yet another who completely misunderstood. I'm proud of and extremely grateful for my childhood experiences, which were rich and loving - just not full of 'stuff').

I don't try and change people. My partner describes himself as a 'little boy' who wants to hide away from the world and not do anything too stressful. I SYMPATHISE with that. I try to make accommodations. The reason I'm with him is because I feel like a 'little girl' at heart too, who would also like to hide. However, in times of stress and moments of weakness it becomes more difficult to maintain sympathy with this attitude. That's all. I would like him to get a different job so that he's happier with himself as much as anything. I should have said in my OP that he doesn't like his job.

It is hard to accept him giving money to his parents, particularly as they mispend it. His dad takes it and spends it in the pub, mainly. But, again, on the whole, I feel it's his money and he should what he wants with it. It just frustrates me at times that he has no spare to help me with necessities like a new boiler (the old one is bordering on dangerous, before anyone tells me a boiler isn't a necessity and I am accused of hard-nosed materialism again!). But, again, the only reason I'm thinking like this at the moment is because my own money is getting tight, so we don't have very much between us. When I was full-time, I paid for everything like this WITHOUT A SINGLE THOUGHT.

I was honestly letting off steam, wanting to voice my frustrations in the hope I would get constructive and sympathetic feedback which confirmed I wasn't being a mug - ie that my partner wasn't being unreasonable. That's actually what I wanted! I don't want to feel bad about my situation. BUT I didn't expect to be attacked, which was obviously pretty unforgiveably naive.

The written word is a limiting medium at times and even here I feel I have not exactly represented myself and there's much more I could say to try and paint an accurate picture of me and my situation, but honestly, is it worth it? I will NEVER post on Mumsnet about anything emotional again, that's for sure! Just be sticking to breast-feeding questions from now on.

Can I just thank mistletoekisses, particularly, for an intelligent, empathetic response (amongst others, like the last poster too)! Wouldn't want those great people out there to think I hadn't noticed them...

CAN WE FINISH THIS NOW???!!!! Thanks.

just take it on chin.ellelie.demanding posters stop thread is just asking for further posts.it really doesn't work like that.

but on positive note there is always someone posting dh did dis and dat.so it will drop if if you let it die naturally.asing for it to stop is akin to a challenge to keep posting

anyhoo,an aibu pasting.

your first?

dont sweat it you will live to post again

Ellelie - hope you got the answers you sought. Completly understand why you'd want to move to a bigger house and do whatever it takes to afford it.

FWIW I think you need to have a chat to your DP about the money to he is giving to his parent, because from what you have said, you can't as a couple really afford this just now - and if his dad is spending it in the pub then it sounds like they have more spare money than you have. I would only give money to parents/parents in law (at this stage in my life with expense of small children), if they were really living on the breadline and the money was needed for food etc.

In terms of your DP's job - thats a hard, one, but I don't think it would be productive to persuade him to get a better paying job, I haven't read the whole thread but if he is not earning enough to cover your childcare costs then maybe as a couple you need to have a rethink who is taking the maternity leave and who is working part time.

When DH and I got married his job wasn't going well at the start, and we agreed that if I still earned a lot more than him when we had kids he would consider being a SAHD or being the one to work part-time. However having this discussion upfront was good as it motivated DH to improve his career prospects and he now earns more than me.

And yes some people have been too rude to you.

Thank you Ellelie.

Do post again about emotional stuff, just maybe in relationships. I never think AIBU is the place to get more measured responses on this.

And if you want the thread to go away, ask MNet HQ to withdraw it. Otherwise people may just keep posting to irritate you. .

take it on chin.dont ask for deletion.aibu pasting no big deal

happy mummy - all the responsibilty does not fall on him because he is male, they need to share it, but he can't really be cruising working in an art gallery whilst the op takes all the responsibilty for keeping the family afloat.

but i also think it is an important aspect of mothering to be able to spend your desired time with your baby and i am not surprised that she feels resentful about not being able to take her full maternity entitlement.

i think he needs to grow up, it sounds like being married to a teenager

oh also - i am sole earner and plan to take my full 9 months paid leave - if you are willing to really cut back it may be possible for you.
i think what your posts highlights is a relationship problem more than a money problem - you lack respect for him, in a way that is about much more than earnings.

and i think it is all too easy i AIBU to look at all the rampant posts and get upset, rather than seeing the more reasonable ones - plenty of reasonable thinking on this thread.

Hi Ellielie not sure if your going to read this but for what its worths am in a similar position here and can't believe the nonsense some people are writing.Think the comments about sexism are true re read the dialogue as if you were a man talking about your wife the wings of the coven would be flapping

My difference is I am sole breadwinner and DH sahd which in someways is probably easier as no expectation of him earning. This was our choice and made sense, he is a great Dad and loves me unconditionally. We have similar background differences too which means you start from different places. But the things that you share are important for example both our Dad's were very, very strong on moral value so in 50s/60s both stood up in workplaces to support immigrants.

However, some days/weeks its tough really tough particularly when work is v stressful. The way I get thorugh (if its any help) Is to look around at my friends amd family and recognise that whatever combination ft sahm + working Dad oe 50/50 or Mum low earner Dad high or your scenario or mine and say everyone has difficultues in one way or another my sis SAHM finds it hard not earning, my brother and sil struggle to balance equal jobs and childcare (whose meeting at 8 is most important etc etc)

Anyway my dream is to win a huge amount on the lottery and it'll all be fine....fatal flaw in plan dont buy tickets

Take care

I never mined being chief breadwinner, or even only breadwinner, tbh, because it gives me strength.