to resent being the breadwinner?

[Ellelie]

Ok, difficult, complicated one but I'll try to explain concisely:

Been with partner for 5 years, have a 1 year old and am pregnant with second.

We're moving from our 2 bed flat to a 3 bed house in the next month or so.

Partner has never been a career type (has always dreamt of an artistic life but never got it - ie he's a dreamer), so I earn the money. He's got a good but lowly paid job in an art gallery.

Partner is from a 'poor' family: parents were teenagers when they had their first - had 4 kids in the end. Did a great job in very tough circumstances but one thing they didn't ever instill in their kids was an understanding of the value of money. They just spend all their money every month (and more) and have basically brought their kids up to do the same. My partner has never saved a penny and is only now (because of me) beginning to see that it's important and is now trying (although failing because he just doesn't earn enough).

In order to move house, my parents are giving us a very substantial amount of money, which I've had to accept but feel sh*t about (I like to make my own way and have never taken money before). All the moving costs - stamp duty, solicitors etc - are being paid for by my savings. Partner feels terrible about this but, as he has nothing, there's nothing he can do.

I have to work very hard (in education) to earn the money and will have continue to work hard right up to the due date of my child and although I'd LOVE to take a year off after the birth, I'll have to go back to my very high-stress work environment much sooner than that.

We need a new boiler, amongst other things, for the new house and it seems that (from things he's been saying recently), my partner won't be able to contribute to this, so I'll have to pay for it. He's told me he doesn't have the money for a holiday this year, so I'll have to pay for both of us if I want one (which I really do).

My partner (and his siblings) have started giving their parents money every month because they feel they haven't got enough to enjoy themselves. To me, this is because they spend without reference to what they've got and take no responsibility whatsoever of their finances. And because his money is so tight, I literally can't believe he's doing this. It makes me feel depressed and that I've made a terrible mistake choosing him as a partner. I'm scared about this feeling.

So, my question is: Am I being unreasonable to feel resentful that I'm shouldering the financial burden here? Or should I appreciate (which I do try to do) that my partner is doing his best with a small amount of money and trying to look after his mum and dad too (who've had a tough life). Should I accept this? Because I'm from a typically middle-class 'look after your money' type family, I worry that I'm being sort of tight. But I can't help the feeling that I get every now and then - it just bubbles up. Self-pity and resentment. Which is no good for our relationship.

PLEASE HELP.

I think YABU.

I earn twice as much as DH, although in my case it is simply that the job I enjoy in the field I work in pays twice as much, and not because I went for a specific job for the money. I still earn below the national average, his job is just even more poorly paid than mine! I always tell people I married for love, not money, and look where it's got me

Our money is "pooled" together and everything comes out of one central pot. I am "in control" of the money, not becuase I earn more, but because I am more organised.I do think it is a bit odd to be saying that you have to pay for the holiday becuase he can't afford it - presumably if he could have afforded it, you would have been happy for him to pay, but it's not ok the other way round?!

I think you need to have a serious talk with him, as it doesn't sound as if this resentment is going to just go away

I'm astonished that the OP is getting such a hard time here. Her partner has a responsibility - just as she does - to provide for his family. I really don't believe that those of you who are suggesting that a two bed flat is perfectly adequate for a family of four really subscribe to that. If it's possible to improve your family's living conditions then of course you're going to want that.

As for the sexism, it's not as if the OP is expecting to be 'kept'. She just longs for the luxury of taking a year off with her children. Would anyone not resent a partner who seemed deliberately to obstruct this simply because they couldn't be arsed to aspire to anything more than the minimum wage?

My family of 4 are doing ok in a 2 bed flat, so yes, I do subscribe to it.

The OP's partner is working, and contributing towards his family, and presumably the OP would have known that a. he didn't earn much; b. he wasn't the ambitious type; and c. that if they had children together, she would have to go back to work at a certain point for financual reasons. It does seem unreasonable to now be angry at her partner for these things.

financial

I think the OP is getting a hard time.

Yes, objectively speaking there is no reason why you should expect your partner to change his job, or to provide for you (although I know that's not exactly what your issue is).

But I think it can be difficult to perceive that you don't have the choices available to you that other mothers have. There is a big message pushed by certain parts of the media (everything from the Daily Mail-esque "family values" agenda to the Red magazine "bunting and cupcakes" downsizing obsession) that can make you feel as though there should be more options, if only you weren't too materialistic/ career-obsessed to take them up. Speaking to other mothers at post natal groups, school gate etc tends to reinforce this if, like me, you are something of an oddity in working full-time.

I can see how this could lead to feelings of being trapped in a stressful job (if you couldn't afford to take a pay cut) and resentment if you don't feel your partner is pulling his weight. In respect of the former (needing to work), I think the best way to address it is with positivity. Think of the benefits rather than the burden- you are supporting your family, you are developing professional skills that will last well beyond your DCs leaving home, you are contributing to a pension, and so on. In respect of the latter (your relationship with DP and money), it sounds to me as if you value different things in life. Is he perhaps not particularly bothered about taking a holiday/ moving into a bigger place? If not, he may well take the view that if you want it, you can take the lead on financing it. Neither of you is wrong, but you seem to be pulling in different directions.

Sorry, I mean "difficult WHEN YOU perceive", not "TO perceive".

Ok, thanks everyone, but I really regret posting this message. Of course, it's totally my fault and I accept complete responsibility but I've been left feeling worse than when I posted and also feel very odd that loads of strangers are discussing me and my life when they only know the very limited amount they do. Again, I'm not criticising anyone and I repeat, it's totally my fault, but I'll just stick to speaking to my partner and/or my friends in the future. They know me and know my situation. Despite the fact that some of you have responded with sensitivity and empathy, a lot, well, haven't. My fault; posting was a silly idea. On-line advice is ridiculous, of course - I don't know why I thought I could confide in the way I can with friends. If any of you have also done this in a vulnerable moment (ie at a time when you need generosity and understanding), then I'm sure you'll appreciate how disturbing getting vaguely aggressive responses is. I certainly didn't mean to offend anyone and, I'll make this point just one more time, I feel very strongly that you've misunderstood - but you would only truly believe that if you knew me and you don't and never will, so we'll leave it there!

Thanks for all your help everyone but I'd prefer it if this conversation was closed now.

I'm sorry, but people post on here to get opinions from people based purely on what you tell us. The POINT is that we don't know you or have preconceived ideas about your situation.

You asked if you were being unreasonable, some people said that you were. I really see no reason to get quite so uppity.

AIBU probably isn't the best topic to post in if you want sensitivity and empathy tbh!

I think it is ok to want to draw a line under a thread. I'm sure we have all posted regretted it before.

E: the most valid point on the thread though was made by me. If you're not married get some legal advice and have the legal position clarified. You don't want your partner taking your parents' money on a divorce which they have out into your house because the house goes into joint names. It is dead easy to avoid that but really easy to overlook.

leplan, again, a slightly unfair attack. I realise that that's the point, which is why I said 'totally my fault' and 'I take complete responsibility'. I got uppity because people were making black and white statements about me (ie I'm materialistic) which are both not true and not helpful. I'm not complaining about people who said I was being unreasonable. That's what I wanted! Those that properly read my OP would have realised that and I've taken their opinions on board. But I am complaining about personal assumptions being made about me and being stated with absolute conviction. That doesn't help anyone, it's actually - ironically! - quite unreasonable and I wonder why those people do that. They're certainly not out to help anyone.

I hope this finally finishes it now.

Really, you're "Middle-class" are you? Hmm... And there was I thinking that middle-class folk carefully thought about who they bred with beforehand? Yabu and totally up yourself!

Oh and by the way, tough if you've picked the wrong partner. Yeah the guy may not be perfect but you've two children with him to bring up (btw, if NO children involved, I'd strongly advise leaving him) now.

I'm afraid "worrying about picking the wrong partner" and leaving him when he's NOT violent or abusive is a bit of a chav action. Doncha think?

marantha - I agree with that last point.

If adults haven't got the common sense to talk these things through in a mature way before embarking on having children, then what hope is there?

It's not like this guy has changed, or become abusive, or whatever - he is the same guy that she chose to have children with - and now she's moaning because he's not exactly what she wants.

Exactly, violethill and yet the subtext of her post is is that she is somehow "better" than her other half.
I don't mind "chav" behaviour and I don't mind women who purposely target spouses who are high earners, but what DOES pee me off is someone like OP who THINKS she is classy but never even stopped to consider if the man with whom she wished to reproduce fitted the description of good father material.

I've also no objection to people leaving violent/abusive partners but, for heaven's sake, her partner seems kind enough and fair play to him, he hasn't changed.

I'm afraid my overall response to her is, "You've made your bed".

And good father/partner material in her eyes= high earner.

Posting on the net for advice means its impartial, your friends will tell you what you want to hear - they are very unlikely to tell you the truth.

Quite marantha - I've seen nothing to suggest he's not a good father. He's simply not bringing in the wage which she feels she's entitled to be spending. And yet claims she's not materialistic.

Anyway, if there's one good thing has come out of this thread - I've loved how so many other mn'ers have come along and said "I earn more than my partner and I love him to bits"!

Fuck it - I'll say what she wants to hear "sweetie OP, why don't you leave your mean and nasty partner - how dare he not earn 100k a year. What a fucking bastard! Ditch him right now and marry that man you deserve. It doesn't matter if he works 15 hours a day. You're worth it babes!"

i am sorry but YABU, you have always known the score. does not make it easier I know

a few choices here

ask him to get better paid job
you get better paid job

you need to swallow resentment, I am in same postion as you and I think we have to just get on with it. things could be alot worse

many people are in your shoes, and many women dont/cant take a year

You chose this man to be the father of your DCs and presumably you were aware he had no money and little earning potential when you did so.

Why are you only starting to feel resentful now that he cannot contribute to the standard of living that you are used to and wish for your family?

Wow marantha, under your definition my mum is a chav. What a vile, sweeping statement.

It's a bit bizarre to post on a forum section that invites varied responses (AIBU suggests both yes and no) and then get upset just because there are a lot of yeses! Perhaps 'relationships' would've been better?

As it is, I can see why you're frustrated if you think he has more earning potential that could really help out the family but just isn't bothered about it. But at the same time, I think it's important to be satisfied with the job you're doing (if you can find a job you like that at least covers basic costs) and it's a bit much to expect him to find a job that would make him miserable just for the sake of earning a bit more. I work in print journalism for a not-so-super wage and could've gone into teaching or a bunch of other things to earn more, but I like playing with words and didn't want to. If my husband insisted I go into banking or consulting I don't think it would've worked with him.

Things like a holiday are a luxury and I think in many marriages one person contributes to them more than another (in terms of wages) but because it comes from 'their' money, rather than his n hers, it doesn't really matter.

Not sure what my point is - maybe just to take on board that if strangers who, yes, don't know the full story, largely think you are being somewhat unreasonable, there could be something to think about there. Doesn't mean we're right, but there might be a middle ground between what your nice supportive friends think (who can't always be too honest to your face) and what the strangers (who feel like they can say what they want) think.

I find it strange that you are talking as though you are two flatmates or something. Surely money is yours (collectively). You can manage it if you both agree that would be best for your family. But it sounds like he is juyst plodding along doing his own thibg - e.g. giving away money that you don't have to his parents. Is he like tjhis in all aspects of life - i.e. not my problem, not my jopb (kids being ill, housekeeping etc)

How about sitting down and budgetting with him? Get him to take real responsibilty for your fsamily finances. And fgs - no more to the in laws!!

Actually that's a good point from PotPourri - why not do a SoA and make him work on it with you so you can see exactly how much is coming in and what's going out? Might help clarify things for him.