to resent being the breadwinner?

[Ellelie]

Ok, difficult, complicated one but I'll try to explain concisely:

Been with partner for 5 years, have a 1 year old and am pregnant with second.

We're moving from our 2 bed flat to a 3 bed house in the next month or so.

Partner has never been a career type (has always dreamt of an artistic life but never got it - ie he's a dreamer), so I earn the money. He's got a good but lowly paid job in an art gallery.

Partner is from a 'poor' family: parents were teenagers when they had their first - had 4 kids in the end. Did a great job in very tough circumstances but one thing they didn't ever instill in their kids was an understanding of the value of money. They just spend all their money every month (and more) and have basically brought their kids up to do the same. My partner has never saved a penny and is only now (because of me) beginning to see that it's important and is now trying (although failing because he just doesn't earn enough).

In order to move house, my parents are giving us a very substantial amount of money, which I've had to accept but feel sh*t about (I like to make my own way and have never taken money before). All the moving costs - stamp duty, solicitors etc - are being paid for by my savings. Partner feels terrible about this but, as he has nothing, there's nothing he can do.

I have to work very hard (in education) to earn the money and will have continue to work hard right up to the due date of my child and although I'd LOVE to take a year off after the birth, I'll have to go back to my very high-stress work environment much sooner than that.

We need a new boiler, amongst other things, for the new house and it seems that (from things he's been saying recently), my partner won't be able to contribute to this, so I'll have to pay for it. He's told me he doesn't have the money for a holiday this year, so I'll have to pay for both of us if I want one (which I really do).

My partner (and his siblings) have started giving their parents money every month because they feel they haven't got enough to enjoy themselves. To me, this is because they spend without reference to what they've got and take no responsibility whatsoever of their finances. And because his money is so tight, I literally can't believe he's doing this. It makes me feel depressed and that I've made a terrible mistake choosing him as a partner. I'm scared about this feeling.

So, my question is: Am I being unreasonable to feel resentful that I'm shouldering the financial burden here? Or should I appreciate (which I do try to do) that my partner is doing his best with a small amount of money and trying to look after his mum and dad too (who've had a tough life). Should I accept this? Because I'm from a typically middle-class 'look after your money' type family, I worry that I'm being sort of tight. But I can't help the feeling that I get every now and then - it just bubbles up. Self-pity and resentment. Which is no good for our relationship.

PLEASE HELP.

YANBU,
Pregnancy is a very stressful time, physically and mentally. YOu already have one baby. You are the main breadwinnee.
I think its very unreasonable for him not to take up more of the slack. Why isn't he ashamed of himself?

EdgarAllenPoll and Beavermum, thanks very much. Beavermum, I do similiar in terms of a strategy for coping - ie I think our situation is far better than it is for those women who have high-earning partners who are never there. I much prefer my situation, however stressful it sometimes is. I also think it may transpire that my partner becomes a SAHD after my maternity leave for the second, and that may work really well. If I have to work, would much prefer my little ones to be with their Dad than in childcare.

EdgarAllenPoll, your comment about respect is really hard for me to hear because I know there's truth in it and yet everything in me tries to deny it because I love my partner so much and think he's an amazing person in so many ways. He's kind, loyal, would do anything for his friends and now my friends, who he's great with. He cooks dinners every night and does his fair share of early mornings, night-wakings. He phones my sister, who I'm very close to, for a chat every now and then, which I love! He's brilliant with our son. He's funny and sweet. Part of the reason I reacted badly to some of the comments on this thread was that I suddenly had a horrible sick feeling of betrayal for writing anything about him at all (and then to see me and my relationship warped into something cold and heartless by people's posts..) which I think is indicative of the warmth, kindness and real love that ACTUALLY characterises our relationship.

However, I've clearly got an issue with his ability to take responsibility. Perhaps I thought it's something I could compromise on and perhaps it's emerging that I can't (well, actually, I will but it will be hard). We've talked about it openly, but we do come from different viewpoints. To illustrate, his father had a very low-paid job but had enough about him and enough potential to be offered promotions at work. However, he turned these down because he did't want the stress and, in my partner's words 'liked going to the pub too much'. Now, he had 4 kids to feed and they were literally going hungry a lot of the time and I can't get my head around this. It actually disgusts me that he didn't step up and do something, perhaps that he didn't want to do, for the sake of his family. However, my partner thinks he was completely within his rights to suit himself. Funny, isn't it?

Luckily, I see the positive in this - ie I admire my partner's ability to avoid bitterness etc. But it does show where he's coming from, in a way. And he is similar to his father in that he definitely has the ability to do more. I would have NO problem if he were in a low-paid job that he got satisfaction out of. Trouble is, he's got a lovely job in an arty environment and he STILL doesn't like it. This is because he doesn't want any responsibility of any kind and I can't help thinking COME ON! Get a grip.

Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for your posts. I still feel I've betrayed both my partner and our life, in a way, so feel a little uncomfortable still but thought it was worth replying to you.

Btw, how do regular posters find the time for all this? This has really stopped me doing some essential chores!!! Even if I wanted to post another thread, which I really don't, I don't know how I'd manage!

TAnyway, thanks, E x

elie - no relationship is perfect - i think there are many people on here in working relationships that still have that at the back of the head for their OH for some reason or other.

the lack of a willingness to work hard for your family is hard to get over. (and that is not a class issue marantha - unless you wish to push a work ethic as the sole preserve of MC folk?)

Christ Ellie what a baptism!

I wouldn;t worry too much - there are some well known fundamentalist MNers on this thread.

I sympathise with you as I certainly wouldn't want to be in teh same situation - I wouldn't mind being the breadwinner, but I certainly would resent it if I felt that my DP wasn't pulling his weight, both financially and emotionally. It would be hard not to be resentful if you had a stressful job, and you partner shyed away from real life and left you to shoulder the burden financially etc.

I would say he needs to grow up and get a real job, frankly, but think that wouldn't be conducive to a good relationship (understatement).

I sympathise with OP immensely and do think she has explained the situation very well. A couple of people have already pointed out that it is not the financial disparity but the disparity in effort which seems to be upsetting her, and that seems entirely reasonable to me.

I'm really pleased to hear though that OP's DH does pull his weight in other ways so it sounds like they can have a good future together once they've had a proper discussion about how to deal with finances and their respective expectations of how much they need to enjoy their jobs.

I supported my ex-H for over 10 years while he p!ssed about doing dead end jobs or studying because he wanted to follow his dream. He never understood that it wasn't about money (I was happy to be the breadwinner) but that he didn't feel he should have to compromise on his dreams even once we had children. Ultimately though, he did nothing else to help about the place either and I got fed up with having - effectively - another child to deal with, and we split.

Yes, OP maybe should have forseen this sort of problem. I certainly should have done and will forever feel guilty about my part. But it's not always that easy when you love(d) someone and I really do hope OP and her DH have more going for them and can sort this one out.

Oh dear, have just realised that I am the OP's parents in law!! We splurge at xmas and spend all of our money every month

EdgarAllanPoe, If you read OP's opener to this thread, you would realise that it is her who bleats on about how middle-class the desire to save money is- not ME.
Personally, I think the desire to save is a classless issue.

Bottom line here is that OP toyed with a bohemian lifestyle for a while, didn't really think about whether or not the hippy-dippy (meant in nice way) man she would have children with would meet her future needs (cos deep down she is a conservative in that her life formula is: man earns most of money:she earns less and works part-time) and now is in a bit of a muddle about it.

I sympathise with that, it's the look-at-me-I'm-so-much-better-than-him attitude coupled with her complete inability to realise that she does not exactly fit the middle-class ideal of "finding husband-deciding on financial plans-marriage" mould, either.

OP, maybe you are unconsciously looking down on your partner and this is peeing him off a bit? Thought about that one, have you?

OP, you should have met a nice traditionally-minded, conservative-with-a-small man called Nigel who had a good job in the city and had marriage in mind.

It is NOT your partner's fault that he is not Nigel (nowt wrong with Nigel, by the way).

YOU get a grip!

Marantha FFS take the stick out of your arse. This poor girl is dealing with a husband who sounds more like an extra child than an adult (though I agree it's usually women who like to play the 'I'm too fwagile for this nasty world' role).

Elle, I not the you say he does his share of the housework, which is a good thing - some men like this do fuck all domestically as well as expecting to be supported financially. The trouble with his sort of mindset is that it can be very attractive in a younger man, but when someone heads towards middle age and is a parent, to be still poncing about being 'dreamy' and 'unmaterialistic' and 'ever so special' expecting everyone else to look after them, it gets a bit undignified and unappealing.

Agreed SolidGoldBrass , but in all fairness to OP's partner, he hasn't changed or become violent or abusive.
OP's partner may not be ideal long-term-relationship-with-kids material but not once has OP said that it is at least in part her fault for having children with such a man.

She does come across as a bit arrogant and unable to admit that she is at fault for any of this muddle she finds herself in.

Ellielie - OMG I think we are married to the same man......you indeed have my sympathy . And you know what neither of them (or him if it is the same one!!) would ever ever bemoan their lot. Gotta love 'em xx

Ellielie - OMG I think we are married to the same man......you indeed have my sympathy . And you know what neither of them (or him if it is the same one!!) would ever ever bemoan their lot. Gotta love 'em xx

my god, marantha. that's a real shame you feel like that. why do you think i'm unable to admit anything? actually, don't answer that, i'd rather not get into it. but you may as well know that i take complete responsiblity for all of my decisions and am also, on the whole, happy about them. i'm sorry you can't see the stresses in my situation and are determined to think the worst of me personally. i'm not sure why you feel you need to comment on me personally when you don't know me. if you don't sympathise, as you clearly don't, just don't respond!

anyway, i clearly don't get this forum (which i've also taken responsibility for, if you've noticed) and can't believe i've got dragged back into the discussion only to get described as 'arrogant' by a complete stranger. find that really odd, myself.

i would comment on what i think about you, marantha, but i think that would be hypocritical, so i'll keep quiet!

bye everyone. thanks again to those who gave good advice. as i said in my last post, i love my partner and my relationship is more than is represented here (particularly by hostile strangers), so i thank goodness for that and leave this strange virtual reality back to my real life full of love, family and friends. i'm sorry i did my life such an injustice by posting.

ta-ra!

Elilie, as you say, shame your dh doesn't like his job and is poorly paid to boot.

Does he have any suggestions as to how to change this situation as it sounds like a bad choice of job from the point of view of both of you, not just from your point of view!

Don't go for good Ellie, not all threads are like this, and I hope you can see as many have stood up for you as have berated you. That's the way it is on here.

Anyway, I do feel for you, the feelings you describe are similar to how I have felt in the past. When you are young you have a vision for how your life will be, and when you are doing your bit to fulfill that it is hard to accept when the other partner isn't even though it may not even be there vision. Yes it is perhaps unreasonable, but it's good that you have explored your feelings and if nothing else maybe this thread has made you remember all the good things about your DH. No-one's partner is perfect you just pick the compromises you make. And what you think you want may in reality not be good for you.

If I had married someone like me, driven, motivated etc. it would be hideous, I am a hideous control freak to live with! For every good part of a personality there is a potentially negative side. For your DH, his laidbackness and kindness make him a bit less motivate (and maybe think is he feeling unconfident? That was a big problem for my DH). And I agree with beavermum, the other good thing about not being so driven it is makes you more easily content with the status quo. And that isn't such a bad trait to have

havent contributed much but do have comment about aibu.the pleasure and ouch factor of mn is the riposte that anonymity brings.because no one knows you ellelie you will receive answers devoid of social/familial niceties.answers as it comes, straight up.from a bunch of online strangers.because you asked.

for whatever reason you sought this out, posted at length about a malaise in your relationship.perhaps ponder upon that.

so tbh,you need to be robust to the answers,no one expects you to likey or take all on board.but it is a bitty petulant to say eugh what a dreadful experience- im offsky

up to you whether you post again or not.but dont blame the medium when you dont like the response

a mn pasting is no biggie.dont take any of it to heart.i would say dust self down.life to post another day- after all as you correctly assert no one here really knows you,or dh. it really is just words on a screen and no dont let it permeate to rl

however the pleasure is the robust,sharp exchanges.completely divergent views.reading someone else post and thinking really have never felt that about that

If he becomes a SAHD, that would be ideal

This thread is ridiculous.

The idea that the OP is a crass materialist because she wants her partner to spend his money on necessities for their household instead of providing booze money for his Dad is ludicrous.

Suggesting that it is "reverse sexism" (whatever the fuck that might be) for a woman not to want to keep her partner as a "little boy who is afraid of the world" is insulting.

OP I think you have a very serious problem here. I presume you're not married? Please don't put this man's name on the deeds of your house. Xenia is totally right.

Ellie, I think you and your partner sound like a great couple. You're both very passionate about your jobs, you're both committed to family life and childrearing, and you obviously love each other to bits. And you both obviously care deeply about your families, too.

FWIW, my husband voluntarily took a massive pay cut and downscaled his career so that he could be present in family life and share the childrearing (he used to work in mining, and was away more often than home). This makes me the main breadwinner, which was obviously known and negotiated prior to doing it, and prior to having children.

Sometimes I wobble. I have a lot of friends who are SAHMs, and who've been able to have second children while we're still saving for me to be able to take a second maternity leave (no paid mat leave in Australia at the moment so has to be entirely self funded) and now that my daughter is the funniest, sweetest, most opinionated little chatty toddler that ever was

(shut up the rest of you, she is too)

I do miss her when I'm at work. And it's easy to fall into resenting my husband, who has flexible hours, who can choose to take a day off when he wants to, who can sleep in after a disturbed night. Sometimes I wish he'd stayed in his old job. Sometimes when I dislike my job, I think why should I be the one to do X, why can't he?

But not often. He hated that job. I'd never have seen him. Our whole family dynamic would be different, with both of us jealously guarding our territory and nothing to talk about over the dinner table. Our daughter wouldn't get to spend days with him, and I wouldn't have the deeper respect I now have from watching him turn into a father with such grace.

And I think you'd have the same thing, if yours went for a job he hated, with long hours and all the pressure and fright that comes along with it.

Do consider him becoming a SAHD, that sounds like a really good solution. And do remember, as I'm sure you do, that having a high earning high powered partner often means having a partner who's locked his little boy-self away and put on a mask.

And do consider what Xenia says, too - the good part is that you get a supportive husband who eases your professional life by being at home, but the bad part is the financial responsibility. Protect yourself legally, my dear.

Why is it more acceptable for the op to ask her partner to give up work and look after their children than to ask him to give up his hobby job and get one that pays better?

In either case the manchild will have to forgo enjoying himself all the time and be forced to take financial responsibility for the family he created (because sahps make a massive financial contribution to the household). There is no way on earth a sahp is a little child being protected from the world, unlike an adult in a low-paying full-time hobby job that expects to be kept by their partner.

I think the suggestion NOT to put partner on deeds is very, very sensible-especially given the fact that a few weeks or so ago a judge ruled that he didn't really care about the nature of a couple's relationship in the row over house ownership betwen cohabitees and was only concerned with names on deed on property.

But, obviously, OP and partner are partners in every sense and I am sure she would not mind him claiming half the house in the (highly unlikely cos they are so well-suited) event of a split even though he would not half contributed that much financially to it.

I'd also be very interested to know who pays for the childcare that enables this man to spend all day at a job that contributes nothing to the family kitty.

On the helping parents bit..shows good family values but is a little insensitive to the situation of his own family. I think you could have a rule with him that for every £1 that he gives his parents he needs to save £1 or £2 towards his own family. So divide whatever he was giving away into two. Seems fair.

My DW has never objected when I give money away to relations but I am conscious that there are times when we could have had a bit of luxury with that dosh.

Giving your father money for booze while you claim you can't afford to contribute to a new boiler is not good family values.