to resent being the breadwinner?

[Ellelie]

Ok, difficult, complicated one but I'll try to explain concisely:

Been with partner for 5 years, have a 1 year old and am pregnant with second.

We're moving from our 2 bed flat to a 3 bed house in the next month or so.

Partner has never been a career type (has always dreamt of an artistic life but never got it - ie he's a dreamer), so I earn the money. He's got a good but lowly paid job in an art gallery.

Partner is from a 'poor' family: parents were teenagers when they had their first - had 4 kids in the end. Did a great job in very tough circumstances but one thing they didn't ever instill in their kids was an understanding of the value of money. They just spend all their money every month (and more) and have basically brought their kids up to do the same. My partner has never saved a penny and is only now (because of me) beginning to see that it's important and is now trying (although failing because he just doesn't earn enough).

In order to move house, my parents are giving us a very substantial amount of money, which I've had to accept but feel sh*t about (I like to make my own way and have never taken money before). All the moving costs - stamp duty, solicitors etc - are being paid for by my savings. Partner feels terrible about this but, as he has nothing, there's nothing he can do.

I have to work very hard (in education) to earn the money and will have continue to work hard right up to the due date of my child and although I'd LOVE to take a year off after the birth, I'll have to go back to my very high-stress work environment much sooner than that.

We need a new boiler, amongst other things, for the new house and it seems that (from things he's been saying recently), my partner won't be able to contribute to this, so I'll have to pay for it. He's told me he doesn't have the money for a holiday this year, so I'll have to pay for both of us if I want one (which I really do).

My partner (and his siblings) have started giving their parents money every month because they feel they haven't got enough to enjoy themselves. To me, this is because they spend without reference to what they've got and take no responsibility whatsoever of their finances. And because his money is so tight, I literally can't believe he's doing this. It makes me feel depressed and that I've made a terrible mistake choosing him as a partner. I'm scared about this feeling.

So, my question is: Am I being unreasonable to feel resentful that I'm shouldering the financial burden here? Or should I appreciate (which I do try to do) that my partner is doing his best with a small amount of money and trying to look after his mum and dad too (who've had a tough life). Should I accept this? Because I'm from a typically middle-class 'look after your money' type family, I worry that I'm being sort of tight. But I can't help the feeling that I get every now and then - it just bubbles up. Self-pity and resentment. Which is no good for our relationship.

PLEASE HELP.

I earn less than DH. But, like him, I work full time.

If he referred to himself as "earning the money", I'd be pretty

You need to talk.

YANBU, he can't help being broke and not earning loads.. But he can not give away money to his parents that you can't afford to give!

YANBU, however, I don't think there is enough information to properly come to a conclusion really.

If he is kind and loving and appreciates that he has a less stressful (less hours?) job and as a consequence takes on the lions share of the household tasks etc then you are perhaps being a little unreasonable.

I think your pg is a great time to bring up the subject of finances and possibly move towards having a fairer system. e.g. you pool your money, work out how much you need to cover all the household expenses (not regular monthly but on an annual basis, including everything apart from adult clothes and treats and definately including putting money away to cover things that need replacing like boilers, savings etc). Then what is left split 50:50. I think your wages getting paid into a joint account and then a standing order getting paid out to your individual accounts after that. He can give his parents money, if she still chooses, out of 'his' money.

Thanks everyone! You've given your time generously to address my concerns and I'll now go away and think about it. Just two corrections - I'm not expecting Chanel handbags (that really isn't me, but I can't expect you to know that) - I just want to be secure, which we're not. And, I'm not 'happily taking money from my parents', as I think I made clear in my original message. Everyone else, thanks for wise words.

Thanks, Ellelie x

Ellelie - I think its entirely understandable that you want security - and that's what you need to focus on in talking to your dp - that its not about wanting more 'stuff', it's more a deep rooted anxiety about his approach to money.

Re: the money from parents issue - ok, I understand that you feel bad about it. I just raised it because I think it's relevant as your parents giving you money for a house, and your dp giving his parents money for bills, are both examples of family members helping one another out when in need. I just wonder if from your dps viewpoint, he would think like that too. You needed money, and your parents gave it; his parents need money, so he's giving it. You may disagree about whether they need it or not (and their situation may be a result of their poor money management) but I was just looking at how he might see it.

I think it's about effort. If one person is making more effort to provide then there is going to be problem.

If he´s making as much affort as he can then that's different.

You are not acting as a team here on the financial side. I think you need to agree priorities and then agree a budget. You don't seem to have agreement about fundamental life/relationship issues tbh so it is not suprising you feel resentment.

Both of you need to be happy with your own contribution and with the contribution of the other person when viewed overall - so not just the financial contribution, also the contribution to running the house and looking after the kids and each other. Lots of things come into the balance.

Be aware that if your dh finds a better paid career he may work more hours / contribute less to family life / be more stressed and not so nice to be with.

I do hope you are not married and if that is true that your new house is solely in your name. I;m not quite sure why you are getting a bigger house when you cant afford it. You, like your partner and his parents are not living within your means either.

I earn less than my partner. I don't actually see what your partner is doing wrong. This whole thread is very sexist.

You earn more than him, so of course if you want a certain lifestyle then he has not going to be able to match that if he has a lower income. You say he has no understanding of money, but you are the adult still taking money from your parents, and then rather than even thinking of paying it back, you are complaining about not going on holiday. As far as I understand it, you have no children yet so why do you need to go on holiday?

If he like his job, I think it is absurd that he should give it up and get a different one simply to pay for things like holidays? Why be miserable for 50 weeks a year simply for a couple of weeks away?

If there are only two of you and a bump on the way, then a 3 bed house is a luxury. You could have stayed in the two bed flat, and depending on the gender of any future children, you could have stayed there forever.

It seems to me that you want someone to give up on their dreams and the non-materialistic values they have been brought up with, in order to live your dream of houses and holidays. And there are a lot of other women out there who would happily take on an arty type with a close family who looked after each other.

Hi MillyR, sorry I find your post a little offensive.

I'm an adult trying to provide for my child (yes I have one already) and future children. I've done everything in my life possible for this. I've never had well-paid jobs myself - I worked in the arts and now I'm a teacher - a fairly good one, which is why I bring home a decent salary. However, teaching is enormously stressful and not my ideal at all. I do it because it provides for those I love. If I had my way, I'd go and work in a bookshop. That's what I dream about. But I can't because I'm an adult.

My partner, on the other hand, refuses to consider any career change I suggest because he 'doesn't like speaking in front of people', 'doesn't want to deal with...(insert relevant issue in said job). Whereas I am having to do all these things and don't want to either!

I'm taking money from my parents because, despite all my efforts (ie saving over the years, even on little money), I'm still not able to afford a reasonable place for my children. I'm currently in an ex-council flat in South London and it's not ideal. I think you would move if you had any option. My parents are giving me that option. That's me being an adult again and doing something against my instincts for the sake of my kids (and me, of course, I'm not denying that, but without the kids I'd stay here happily).

If you're talking about non-materialistic values, they're mine, actually. My parents were never high-earners (you didn't get much for being a teacher and a social-worker in the 80s, thanks to Thatcher) but they managed their money very well. We NEVER got the Christmas presents that others got but I AM now getting help with my house, which was what my parents were scrimping for all those years. But it was ONLY through NOT having stuff that they've done this, and I'm NOT at all someone who expects stuff. My partner's parents, on the other hand, splurged on their kids every Christmas and birthday and were actually quite materialistic, which is why none of their kids have any money - becuase they spend it all on handbags and haircuts (not my partner obviously! He has spent quite a lot on booze instead, although doesn't so much now).

I love my partner and love his relationship with both his family and our son. But, I think you've misunderstood my situation.

Thanks, Ellelie.

It seems very straightforward to me. Wanting to live in a 3 bed house when you could all quite easily have fitted into the ex-council flat is simply materialism.

Choosing to do a job you don't like and encouraging your partner to do the same just so that you can afford things that neither you nor your future children need is materialism.

From what you have said in this post about your partner not feeling comfortable speaking in public etc, I think you are really heading towards a disaster if you try and get him to change jobs.

I don?t think it?s really a question of sexism, and that we would all be in uproar if a man were to come on here complaining that his wife didn?t earn enough. All sorts of different working/living/childcare arrangements are surely acceptable and valid ? even those that to others might appear inequitable - as long as both partners are happy with them. In this case the OP is not happy to be the one making all the effort to keep the family afloat. I agree with whoever said that the ?rules? for any relationship can be renegotiated as you go along, and they clearly must be renegotiated in this case or resentment is going to set in and there may well no longer be any relationship.

OP - my "Chanel handbag" comment was clearly tongue-in-cheek - don't use that as excuse to disregard all advice given - and when I say advice - I mean all the people who said YABU!

YABVU to expect your partner to choose a job he hates just because you're unhappy with your life/job. What is it they say, "misery enjoys company"?

You are not the first person in the world to have not had much money in the 80s fgs - you're not the first person in the world who didn't get showered with christmas presents and finally you're not the first person in the world who doesn't have their heart filled with joy every time they exit the front door in the morning. It's called life - and for most of us we get on with it - and we take our joy from our relationships, NOT our bank balance or perceived "worth" of our partner.

YABU actually. So you are the breadwinner - why shouldn't you be? What is your issue - that you can't take the full maternity leave? Or that he doesn't save money?

I am like you, the breadwinner and DH is a low earner. He has DS 4 days per week to allow me to earn the money. My DH has spending issues and I have had to take charge somewhat to ensure we pay off our debts and start saving. Can't you do that? Surely savings and holiday costs are joint anyway? Why do you resent paying for joint holidays? I just don't get it. YABsexist by expecting to be the one who is paid for by virtue of being female.

I earn more than my DH and always will. I am university educated and a teacher - although not very well paid as i work in a college teaching language and i am part time. My DH is an unskilled worker whose first language is not English and whose family are from a poor country. I fell in love with him and we have been married for 8 years and have 2 dds. We have one joint account and that is our money - together. There is no his and mine. TBH, I have had the odd thought that had I married someone educated and middle class with a decent job then maybe we would have our own house and be able to go on holidays and stuff but my DH is the best. Kind, respectful and has seen me through 2 hard pregnancies. He would do anything for me and the girls and I am thankful for that.

I think the OP is getting an unfairly hard time here.
YANBU to feel resentful that you are shouldering the financial burden for the family. Your DH gets to live out his dreams, but not only expects you to give up your dreams, but for you and your parents to help fund his parents!

And when you have to look to your own parents rather than your husband for support because your husband isn't interested, that's hard. That doesn't sound like a partnership to me. It is the inequality of effort, NOT the inequality of funds to contribute/jobs that is the problem, together with the giving away money to his parents.

I also note that your husband isn't giving money to his parents because they are having difficulties, it's so they can "have a good time"!

mizu - yep, v similar to DH and I. I have had the odd thought that I could be in a very different situation if I had married someone else - but I'm glad I didn't.

I think YABalittlebitU.

I'm in a similar situation, in that I earn more than my partner - he is a creative type too and is never going to earn big bucks. But I chose the wrong man if I wanted to be rich!

Put all your money together, think of it as family money not mine and his. Then budget realistically and live within your means. Maybe that will mean you can't have a holiday, or help his parents - or you can only do one or the other. It sounds like you might have to re-adjust your expectations a bit.

At the end of the day, we would all be having a different experience if we'd partnered someone else wouldn't we? But we chose our partners, presumably, because we love them and want to build a life together. So, you need to accept that he is not going to fundamentally change from the man you chose to have children with. Keep talking, because obviously major things like work, finances etc need to be agreed on by both parties, and circumstances evolve and develop. But there is no point berating him for not being a different person to the one you got together with

Have you sorted this out properly legally? Will the new place be in joint names? Is he a partner not a husband? Have your parents taken legal steps to ensure their contributino is protected from you if he goes off with another woman?

I always recommend my path - going back to work when the babies is 2 weeks as it's such hard work with babies at home - h e could take a longer period off as his wages are next to nothing and also then he'd be doing a lot of hard child care to make up for his lower earning power.

(And be mindful of my situation - paying out to the ex on divorce as a higher earning woman which of course is very fair but it's the price you pay for marrying down as it were whatever your gender)

My two cents:

Working in the area you like, following your dreams, is ultimately more rewarding than doing something you don't enjoy in order to make more money. Let the chappy stay in his lowly paid gallery.

Coming from a non-financially literate family is unfortunate, but people can learn at any age, a person is not "the product of their environment" for life, if they want to learn. I read this book www.amazon.co.uk/Rich-Dad-Poor-Robert-Kiyosaki/dp/0751532711/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=12757526 57&sr=1-1 and it helped me learn that controlling your spending is a better way to get ahead financially than simply getting a better job.

If you have accepted financial assistance from your parents, and DP has given financial assistance to his, then your parents have in effect, assisted his parents. How would they feel about this? I would not like to support DW's family, that's for sure. For fekkin sure!

To be fair, you knew who you were getting with and you can't expect him to change. Good luck.

If you want to work in a bookshop, then why dont you? Nobody has forced you into teaching, only your "need" to earn a high salary.

There is no reason why you have to upgrade house - you could also have rented and not bought.

You should not force your DP to take a job he will hate because of your expectations. He is working and supporting his family financially, whether you like the salary or not.

amused that teaching is a "high" salary.... Get a better paid job - then all problems solved. Don't rely on men for money.

i think it is unreasonable to resent him for not having a better paid job.

I think having a lacsadaisacal attitude to finances on the other hand is not on when you & him are tying to get started in a new house with a family to support - he needs to accept his responsibility to you in equal part. giving money to his family in some ways shows a lack of commitment to you (unless you have discussed it together and decided how to afford it etc - as a unilateral gesture on his part it is not fair.)

although think carefully re: time off after baby. would cutting back now (working out a plan between the two of you) make a longer mat leave period possible?