To feel hurt when dp refuses to eat what dd or I make him..

[katycarr]

Dp is a very fussy eater in terms of savory things, he hardly ever eats a meal that I make. He does however have a very sweet tooth and when we are out he will eat any pudding, cake tart.

However 9/10 when I make a cake/ tart / pudding he refuses to eat it. He always eats my mum's cooking and delights in telling me so.

My dd is learing how to cook and she made a meal for dp and I the other night. He refused to eat the main course or starter, which was fine. However dd made some ice cream for him , which was bloody good. He point blank refused to eat it, as he always does when dd makes something. She was really hurt but he would not give in. When I asked him why he said that he was not convinced by her hygeine when cooking.

Tonight I made a tart for him, including his favourite sweet things. I am a very very good cook. He turned his nose up and refused to eat it. I feel like he is saying that somehow food I make is substandard or that I am unhygenic.

A large part of me thinks he is being rude and selfish, especially to dd. But then again you can't force someone to eat something and maybe I am reading too much into it.

mathanxiety pretty much said what I was trying to in her Wed post at 23:48

What an idiot!
Don'T cook for him again. I'm a SAHM and my H eats whatever I make for him, as I do with anything he prepares. Between the two of us we've made some really BAD meals, but we'd never hurt the other in the way yours has.
It makes no difference whether the food is good or not. It's about respect and appreciation.

I just read the most recent, eloquent posts from mathanxiety. I think she's completely right. I hope you can work this out together.

Someone can be a dick without it being abuse.

It doesn't sound like he's being controlling - or not primarily that anyway. It sounds to me like he only wants to eat food that looks/seems processed. Maybe if you think of it that way, it will be less hurtful than if you think of it as being about hygiene. It also makes eating in a restaurant more understandable. Is he appreciative when you make him a sandwich or a roast? If so, then I don't think he's doing it to hurt you.

I do understand your frustation though, because my dh is a bit like yours (but not so extreme) and I'm like you - very into food and an ambitious cook. I do get upset when dh prefers some crappy bought frozen desert over my homemade ice cream - which he says tastes 'too custardy' (no kidding) or refuses to eat a tart with fruit in it. On the other hand, he is very happy to binge on the random stuff he likes if I make it - like meringues or poppy seed cake - but I get bored making the same thing all the time. So I guess he could complain that I spend a lot of effort making things that I know he won't want to eat instead of stuff he does like.

I guess it's just something we have to live with - it's unlikely our dhs will change their habits at this point.

If it is something like aspergers like shiney suggests could you enrol dd on a food hygiene course. A certificate would be a fact and asd people like facts.

AllI can say is you're being very nice to him about it, I wouldn't put up with such crap. 'm not saying I would insist he ate it but the lack of respect would drive me away very fast.

Actually, my dh is also not great at accepting presents and he likes to be the one who is the 'giver', until we have a fight and he complains that I don't do enough for him. Why do these characteristics go together?

MAKE HIM COOK...and stop being a doormat and letting him treat your daughter like shit. What a fuckwit.

Let him starve. Remove him from the picture. Say me n DD made a meal but as you never eat it we are going to eat it together.

And there's no pudding for immature naughty mean dads who don't eat their dinner.

kill him

From later posts, it does sound like he has genuine issues. However, that doesn't mean noone else has the right to have their feelings respected. What you need is a compromise. Make a plan for how you are going to deal with it. Don't put pressure on him to eat something that he is not prepared for.

If it means a lot to you that you should eat together, then set aside a time when he either orders a meal (as if in a restaurant) or actually cooks it for all of you. That may give him enough control to feel comfortable. Let him be the giver.

Explain to your dd that dad has a bit of a problem and it's nothing to do with her; it's just one of those regrettable facts of life. It's no worse, really, than if he had severe allergies and therefore couldn't eat her food.

And make it perfectly clear that he is not to make comments about hygiene as that can be hurtful. If he has Aspergers, then you may need to spell out to him exactly what he is not to comment on. And then try not to push him into a corner where he feels the need to explain himself- because that probably will be hurtful.

Larf at Hully. Spot on.

Hanban is bit more reasonable...oooh..OK.

Wow, had to re-read your message to realise you were talking about your partner and not one of your kids! Don't cook for him...

I agree with the people who have mentioned Asbergers - the inability to understand why rejecting the food you and your dd have cooked for him screams that to me. Bronze's idea about a food hygiene certificate sounds like a good one, and I also wonder how he would feel if you or she cooked something he knows he likes (one of the desserts he'll eat in a restaurant, perhaps).

I can really understand how hurtful you and your dd find this behaviour, and I also wonder if you and she need to find some way of getting past that hurt yourselves - maybe you could diminish the hurt for yourselves, if you see what I mean. Cook for other people, and remember their compliments and praise, but don't expect them from your dp - maybe if you don't hope for his praise, the rejection would hurt less.

I think the hygiene thing is a red herring - he probably can't explain exactly what it is that he finds offputting. It does sound to me more like he doesn't like thinking about or seeing the process by which the food is made. He didn't want the tart because it was 'sloppy'. He seems to want the food to look more sterile. My dh dislikes food that looks 'goopy'.

I've been really surprised how aggressive mnetters seem to be towards other's dhs lately. Is it really a sensible response to leave a partner because he doesn't like the same food as you or because (on a recent thread) he insists on coming shopping with you? I really wonder what kind of relationships the people who suggest this are in.

I am a bit like this with food

I can eat things made at my grandma's but not at dh's grandma's

I can't eat things that my brother has made. Not because he can't cook but I can't trust him to wash his hands etc. It sounds bizarre but I just can't do it.

I often pretend to eat things so as not to upset and hurt people.

Gosh lots of replies.

Snowflake he does cook, during term time he does most of the cooking during the week as I am so busy with work. He has actually tried really hard to cook the kind of food that I like to eat but because he only eats plain processed food he puts very odd things together. At the weekend and the school holidays I cook as I enjoy doing it. He is actually becoming quite a good cook, he makes a mean omlettee and his yorkshire puddings are better than mine ( but don't tell him that) As I said above I rarely cook for him. He may be a bit of a twat regarding food but he is not lazy and does not treat me like a doormat. He actually runs the whole house during term time.

Differentname and tortoise we spent a long time in the garden this morning talking about this and I have made clear that I show love through food so when he rejects it, I do feel hurt. I do think that he is struggling to get that, food was just never a big thing in his family. They never had big sunday meals, never experimented, never even gave each other presents.

Tryingtoleave I think you have it spot on with the sterile thing. He also refuses to eat fruit and veg that have been grown at home as he has seen them in soil.

tortoise I thknk you are very perceptive, there are lots of things I am good at, I am very clever, a talented seamstress, a developing gardener. Maybe I need to show love to dp using a different talent, I wonder how he would look in a dress.

SGB I am sure from this thread my dp does look like a selfish twat with nothing more to offer. That is the problem with Mumsnet you have to make judgements based on words on a screen. There is much much more to my dp than someone who is faddy with his food and someone who is slightly Prince Charles like about his feelings.

It does sound like he has some full on food issues, not just a bit of fussiness.

It also sounds like he is one of those men who just doesn't really "get" why saying things very baldly is hurtful. (Aspergers possibly as many others have said).

It doesn't sound like you are going to change his attitude towards food, not easily or in the short term anyway.

Perhaps it would be better to work on changing his method of expressing himself, so it is less hurtful to you and DD?

For example you could try teaching him that you will feel much better if he says "That tart looks lovely, but my silly phobias won't let me try it, sorry" rather than just "Don't want the tart"...

I do not think he is abusive or whatever else has been suggested. He is just not very good with people.

In the meantime, I don't think you should feel like you can do nothing for him except cook. You are clearly a loving wife and mother - that is doing something for him in itself.

Tell him he cooks for himself from now on. He needs to know what a faff it is to do all the cooking, shopping, prep, clearing and dishwashing . He needs to see it from the other side of the fence. Some men take it for granted and think they live with some sort of cafe out the back.

He is V unreasonable not to make a fuss of your daughter's efforts. Its great that you've got her cooking and interested in the kitchen already. It will stand her in good stead as an adult. I hope to do the same with my 2 DSs.

pssssst katy - I posted on your Mont St Michel thread.

As for this one - YANBU, particularly with him refusing your DD's cooking. But now sounds like a good time for him to have a look at his food issues. I was all about to go off on one about fussy eaters, but I agree with others who suggest that there might be a little more to it than simply being a PITA.

Nesta he does generally cook for himself, I usually only cook at weekends and holidays and then it is mainly for dd and myself. It is only puddings that I make for all of us , and even then not all the time.

Thanks Theboy, God knows what he is going to eat in France!

"tortoise I thknk you are very perceptive, there are lots of things I am good at, I am very clever, a talented seamstress, a developing gardener. Maybe I need to show love to dp using a different talent, I wonder how he would look in a dress. "

I think perhaps another way of showing love would be easier, because food is so loaded, but I do also think that this is about giving and receiving love overall.

My mother, who reads self help books and goes on courses and whatnot, talks about Love Languages. Her last relationship faltered partly because he was a 'show love' person - put up sheds for her, fed her cat, etc., whereas she was an expressing love person, and used to wonder why he couldn't just say I Love You or You Look Nice. She knew it was a difference of style, but it's really difficult to accept a style of love that's so different from your own. She is proud about being independent (raised us alone and hasn't lived with a man since my Dad) and all the little favours and tasks that her boyfriend did just made her feel patronised. So she'd get defensive, or try and avoid needing his help, and then he'd feel rejected and withdraw, and then she'd feel unloved, and it was this whole thing.

I don't know about Aspergers, but I wonder if part of your issue is about this; for whatever reason he finds it very hard to accept gifts, whether they be food or jewellery or etc.

How does he show you love? Does he tell you sweet things, or fix things for you, or is he physically affectionate, or what?

I'm no expert, but look at the ways he gives love as well as how he receives it. Not that you should adjust your methods for him, but it might be a lever to get him to start seeing it your way.

Alternatively, you could come be my wife. You sound rather wonderful.

I do have a husband, but he'll eat your food too, if that will sweeten the deal?