To feel hurt when dp refuses to eat what dd or I make him..

[katycarr]

Dp is a very fussy eater in terms of savory things, he hardly ever eats a meal that I make. He does however have a very sweet tooth and when we are out he will eat any pudding, cake tart.

However 9/10 when I make a cake/ tart / pudding he refuses to eat it. He always eats my mum's cooking and delights in telling me so.

My dd is learing how to cook and she made a meal for dp and I the other night. He refused to eat the main course or starter, which was fine. However dd made some ice cream for him , which was bloody good. He point blank refused to eat it, as he always does when dd makes something. She was really hurt but he would not give in. When I asked him why he said that he was not convinced by her hygeine when cooking.

Tonight I made a tart for him, including his favourite sweet things. I am a very very good cook. He turned his nose up and refused to eat it. I feel like he is saying that somehow food I make is substandard or that I am unhygenic.

A large part of me thinks he is being rude and selfish, especially to dd. But then again you can't force someone to eat something and maybe I am reading too much into it.

Shineon, having read this thread he has taken an online test on aspergers and scored very highly! You have set the cat among the pigeons.

Shineon, if he will eat pudding in restaurants but not when made by his dd, then it's not actually about fussy eating, is it?

If it is really the hygiene question that bugs him, I would be horribly tempted to relay all the stories I had ever heard about restaurant hygiene...

He can't really believe there is a greater danger from eating his family's home cooking, can he?

That is why I am hurt cory.

Your DH sounds very much like a friend of ours (we've tried again and again to come up with something he'll eat). We think he has some genuine eating disorder / phobia - he's happy to eat certain things in certain places, and not others.

It must be really tough for you, but I don't think there's anything you can do more than you currently are - keep encouraging your daughter's healthy eating, and accept that your DH has eating problems and won't be able to eat your food.

When I mentioned this inconsistency to dp he said that in a restaurant he only chooses things that he wants to eat. He had not chosen to eat the tart I made and having seen it he would never order it or eat it in a restaurant either. That was supposed to make me feel better.

He then pointed out that he always eats my scones and ate my yule log at Christmas.

Would you feel differently if you had gone to huge trouble decorating a room within the house say,as a surprise....something you had thought about a great deal, researched,carefully selected, hoping to appeal to him.....only to be met with, " my mum has better taste", " I don't like it because you haven't stuck to B and Q's colour guide" or maybe when DD has helped with wallpaper selection, "what immature taste". It is about respect, nothing more, nothing less.

I think there is a genuine phobia there, he had a very very dysfunctional childhood and I would be very surprised if he managed to survive that without some scars or eccentricities.

His parents were always pissed or in prison so he had to cook for himself as a child, usually over a fire in the garden. As a result he grew up on plain tinned food and to this day still eats like that. His brother is even worse.

p.s. with my friend, I think it might be something to do with feeling in control over food - he can deal with restaurants because you choose the food from a list, but if you eat friends' cooking, you have to eat something put in front of you. He'll sometimes eat things if they are not a meal, and are just left on the table where he can access them

I have said to him that it is about respect, he seems to genuinely not see it that way.

That makes sense Grendels. He is a very in control person, he had to leave the army as he was unable to allow someone else to be in control. I suspect that is a reaction to having no control in his childhood.

When I mentioned this inconsistency to dp he said that in a restaurant he only chooses things that he wants to eat. He had not chosen to eat the tart I made and having seen it he would never order it or eat it in a restaurant either.

yep defo some kinda fear/ loss of control thing there. Can see the aspergers link but prob more a personailty thing. If you are happy thats good cos it doesn't sound like it will change.

quite the opposite actually that the more 'pressure' he feels the more he'll say no. I would concentrate on enjoying mealtimes laughing etc than whats he's eating. A good chat/laugh is more important than tart.

It sounds to me as though he's being either petulant or controlling. If he can't even make any kind of effort for his DD, but will happily scarf down stuff in the restaurant, then what kind of signal is he giving to his DD. As for him buying you cookery books, what's that saying to you?

I have issues with some kinds of foods. My DH does the food shopping and the cooking, and he will try to cook things he thinks will be OK for me - but sometimes cooking separate meals. If he's cooking something from scratch, he'll always ask me how I liked it. Sometimes I'm 'creative' in my response and then sneak off to the kitchen and make a sandwich. But I would never be so rude and cruel as to openly reject something he's cooked.

I can understand that you are quite taken aback by some of the harsher verdicts here OP. I personally wouldn't want to start calling it abuse and given that you're uncomfortable with it, I think using the label is perhaps not the most helpful way to carry on for now. But I am getting the feeling of something not quite being right with this, that's beyond just food faddiness, and from your post above (22.43) you have had a similar thought.

The gift behaviour reinforces my sense that he likes to be the 'giver', and to be able to say he does a lot for you, and that somehow his rejections of gifts and most obviously of your food seems to be tied in with the idea that he wants some kind of moral high ground where he gives nice things but doesn't take nice things in return, but in a way where it seems sort of puritanical and high-minded on his part (preferring sandwiches to nicer food, for instance) so it seems like a 'good' habit rather than an indulgence or an act of meanness.

That's all very well (and is just online diagnosis) but the real question is, what to do about it? And really there are three options:

• change your attitude to what he does so it doesn't upset you. (possible, but doesn't account for its impact on your DD as you can't control her attitude)
• try and get him to change his behaviour
• give up on the whole thing and separate

You obviously don't want option 3, so your call is between 1 and 2. How would you like him to behave, if you were both trying to compromise about these food issues

It must be difficult to make the right choices given his background but there comes a time when we have to make the right decisions about how we are going to continue with our lives or be a victim of our childhoods.

I really think you should get him to see someone about this as it is affecting you and your daughter. His behaviour is hurting you both. If he sees a doctor you will find out if he has a genuine medical problem or if he is being an arse. I don't think you can just let it continue. You will end up leading seperate lives, with you taking care of/going out with your DD and him left to his own devices. Not good for family life

He sounds very unreasonable and childish - like a 3 year old!!!

But from your later posts, he probably does have a genuine phobia. Either insist he gets it treated or stop cooking for him full stop.

Uglymugly I love cookery books, I read them like novels, there is no slight intended there. But I would also never flatly refuse to eat someones cooking especially not dd's food.

Eighties he does have a puritanical streak, I tease him about it often. Again I assumed that was just a survival technique because of his background.

We have come close to option 3 eighties so it has now always been out of the question. I did leave him briefly about a year or two ago. We went to counselling together and it helped us piece our relationship back together. He is quite a controlling person, but then again so am I so the sparks have flown. He has in the past been quite unpleasant to me, as have I to him. A few years ago I was told on here that dp was being emotionally abusive and I confronted him about that and eventually left, so I have not shut my eyes to the possibility that he could be abusive. I just don't think he is in this situation.

I am not the easiest person in the world to live with tbh. I am sure he could start a thread on dadsnet moaning about my funny ways.

I don't think he is going to change any more than he already has, I just need to take things less personally. I will of course keep an eye on dd as she is far more important that either of us in all of this.

I really think he has a problem - there are just some things that you have to eat. When dd1 was very small she once crept downstairs to make me and dh breakfast. she had found a huge block of blue cheese, cut it in half and brought it to us on 2 plates. I always remember dh saying 'youve got to eat it all' she will be upset if you dont - and we did. I think your dh should have forced himself to eat what she made. And as far as restaurants go - i once worked with someone whos db was a hygiene inspector (restaurants, fast food etc) and he said he would never ever eat out anywhere!

I have thought about asking him to have some kind of counselling or hypnotherapy for his food issues, but I just can't see him going for it. When I say that his behaviour is hurtful he just doesn't understand and therefore sees no need to make a change.

He does not see that it impacts on family life, we sit together at dinner time, he just eats his soup or burger and chips while dd and I eat a home cooked meal. But as I love food I would love to have someone at home to explore new tastes and recipes with. We also eat out as a family often, but it can be quite a tense experience if we are somewhere new.

I agree venus he should have eaten what dd made.

He isn't dismissing my hurt, he just doesn;t understand why it would cause hurt.

katy, it amounts to the same thing...it is very easy to say I don't understand....have you questioned him about his thought processes/

Yes I have, as I said we have spent a lot of time in counselling. He just does not understand why not eating something would cause me hurt.

He has no emotional attachment to food at all, it is fuel that enables him to live. I on the other hand adore food and show my love through food. He just doesn't get it.

katy, food is not the issue...don't focus on the food....focus on the behaviour and comments that go with it.....until he accepts his attitude is driving the relationship then it will be difficult to live any other way.