To feel hurt when dp refuses to eat what dd or I make him..

[katycarr]

Dp is a very fussy eater in terms of savory things, he hardly ever eats a meal that I make. He does however have a very sweet tooth and when we are out he will eat any pudding, cake tart.

However 9/10 when I make a cake/ tart / pudding he refuses to eat it. He always eats my mum's cooking and delights in telling me so.

My dd is learing how to cook and she made a meal for dp and I the other night. He refused to eat the main course or starter, which was fine. However dd made some ice cream for him , which was bloody good. He point blank refused to eat it, as he always does when dd makes something. She was really hurt but he would not give in. When I asked him why he said that he was not convinced by her hygeine when cooking.

Tonight I made a tart for him, including his favourite sweet things. I am a very very good cook. He turned his nose up and refused to eat it. I feel like he is saying that somehow food I make is substandard or that I am unhygenic.

A large part of me thinks he is being rude and selfish, especially to dd. But then again you can't force someone to eat something and maybe I am reading too much into it.

I think food is the issue, he is only thoughtless like this about food and in the past maybe presents. But since the counselling it seems to just be about food.

But it is more than 'just fuel', surely, or he wouldn't be so particular? He has an emotionally-driven attitude to it just as you do - but they are very different. What concerns me is the possibility that he exaggerates the difficulty he finds in eating fancier foods, because of the emotional satisfaction he gets from refusing what you offer. Make no mistake, he gets something out of that. It may be related to his earlier life but in a sense that's irrelevant - it doesn't make you any less hurt to know that. There is a phrase in a book by Dr. Phil (now I know you've been to proper counselling so you would probably find it cheesy, but I like his style) where he says 'People do what works'. And this works for him - but by that I don't just mean refusing fancy food works for him. I mean hurting your feelings by refusing nice food works for him in some way. I don't think he doesn't understand - I think he does, but gets something out of that dynamic.

Going to bed now so hope all this amateur psychology hasn't made it too much worse. Will check back on the thread tomorrow.

Ah, just one more post since I've now read your last - so this has calmed down since counselling and is now all channelled through food. Are you sure about that? Does he acept gifts gracefully etc? If so then I guess you have to a) decide if this is a deal breaker, and b) if not, work out a containment/deflection strategy. But don't feel it's unreasonable to expect him to try some of yours and your DD's cooking. I don't think it is.

Be careful not to use fussiness as a means of excusing control.....that is the the crux of the discussion......I would suggest it is a chosen behaviour because he is selective who he applies it to.....shineoncrazydiamond....I can see that not agreeing with this probably questions your own attitudes....it is no bad thing to make people think!

It's not about food, sorry to anyone who says it is.

Food = love for some people. For you, giving food is the same as showing and giving love. For him, he is deliberately depriving himself of what you are offering, while deliberately making a point of accepting what others are giving. He is rejecting something you are good at and love doing, while accepting it from others, even strangers in restaurants, and now he's doing it to your DD too, with a crock of an excuse. His lack of comprehension that your DD was hurt by him not eating the ice cream is a complete lie, imo. He has some block about accepting love, possibly some fear of being smothered. How did he get on with his mother? What sort of woman is/was she?

He rejects your food, and your DD's food, and your gifts too. "The gift behaviour reinforces my sense that he likes to be the 'giver', and to be able to say he does a lot for you, and that somehow his rejections of gifts and most obviously of your food seems to be tied in with the idea that he wants some kind of moral high ground where he gives nice things but doesn't take nice things in return, but in a way where it seems sort of puritanical and high-minded on his part (preferring sandwiches to nicer food, for instance) so it seems like a 'good' habit rather than an indulgence or an act of meanness." This hits the nail on the head. It is controlling, and when someone does something continuously when he has been told it has hurt feelings then you have to ask yourself what his agenda is. It's abusive to continue doing a hurtful thing when you know it hurts.

Mathanxiety, you have expressed this far better than me....that is the point I have been trying to make.

Yes he does accept gifts more gracefully, that was a big step for him. After the cufflink incident which caused a huge row he has now accepted that he needs to let people do nice things for him. He is a natural giver, not just to me but to everyone. The counselling helped him understand that he gives to people not just because he wants to help but because it makes him feel good. He needs to allow me to feel that way.

I think money was also a factor in his feelings about gifts, we have had huge financial problems and I have in the past spent too much money. We are now thankfully past that.

I have spoken to him about dd's cooking and explained how it could be hurtful, he has promised that he will try her cooking from now on. I am not convinced but we will see.

Shineon I don't know enough about aspergers to comment with any real authority. He is very black and white and can come across as quite emotionally cold. But counselling has made a huge difference to us.

He read the thread and was just puzzled. He has apologised profusely though, still not eaten the tart though!

He was very very close to his mother in adult life. As a child she was abusive, distant and usually pissed. She left him to fend for himself when he was about 10, I think. He totally forgave her in adult life and doted on her. I could not have done that.

He has done what helps him survive....physically and emotionally but he is an adult now.

I am not saying he is perfect scurry, he isn't. But he has made huge changes over the last year or two, it isn't easy for a man from his background and his personality to sit in a room pouring out their heart to a counsellor. You are right though , he needs to let go of the past.

I hope it works out for you all.....sometimes you have to accept the past was less than ideal ( I do ). Ask him what his hopes for his child are and how he wants her to live her life.

He has huge hopes and dreams for dd and often says that he just wants her to have everything that he did not. She is not his biologically. sadly it looks as if we have left it too late to have our own. But they are incredibly close, his life revolves around her.

Thankyou scurry for taking time to talk to me, I have taken on board what you have said.

night night....hope it all works out

He is still waiting for something he never got from his mother. He will not accept anything in the way of food-love from you or from your DD, sadly, until he gets from his mother (or from working through the issue in therapy) whatever it is that he is still hoping to get from her. He needs to sort out the issues he has with her and not just try to smooth it over and forget.

He may act as if he has totally forgiven her, but it seems to me that he has decided to behave really well in hopes of some reward from her; this is not forgiveness, nor is it emotional growth from the stage of being a dependent child living under the thumb of someone whose affection he was unsure of. He is avoiding the vulnerability of receiving from you because that involves the painful memory of not receiving what he needed from her, which he has never set to rest.

I don't think he can let it go without understanding it and acknowledging it, which is really hard, because his habits are his way of coping and he would have to admit being very powerless wrt his mother in the course of counselling (not easy) in order to make any progress towards embracing the vulnerability involved in receiving.

Have been lurking but feel need to butt in - the issue here that screamed out to me is that he likes to be the wonderful man who does everything for you and who gets nothing in return. Having an identity fixated on being the one who does things for others and gets nothing done for him totally fits in with what you say about his childhood. The fact that he returns your gifts just emphasises this further. You and DD cooking for him, even everyday, mundane meals totally threaten his image of himself and reality. It doesn't sound like a food phobia or an obsession with controlling you (although it is very controlling), it sounds like he has this very rigid, personal, probably totally unconscious image of who he is and what his role is and anything that interferes with that risks opening up a huge Pandora's Box of pain and emotion about his childhood. Doing nice things for him probably really upsets and confuses him, from the sounds of his childhood - neglected children often grow up to be virtually offended by thoughtfulness and kindness as it's so alien to them and also because if they keep the pain locked up by telling themselves very specific things about life and their role in it then anything that threatens that, even if it is lovely, must be avoided or rejected.

He possibly doesn't seem to care much when you tell him how his behaviour hurts because he probably feels that you don't apologise for hurting him ie threatening his position as 'giver'! The contradictory nature of his food behaviour fits in with this - eating out is okay, because it's not something that happened in his childhood so it was never made part of his image of himself and also, it's probably 'okay' for him to have strangers make things for him (which would include your mum, seeing as she doesn't cook for him often) as his issue is obviously about having those closest to him do things for him, not about others. The hygiene issue is most likely a smokescreen and not a genuine reason.

I know someone who had very similar issues and with counselling he got a lot better. It sounds like your DP's generally controlling nature is all about maintaining the very fragile sense of self he created from not very much in his awful childhood.

Of course, just because something's not intended to abuse doesn't mean it isn't abuse and it certainly doesn't mean you and DD should put up with this. It defo sounds like he could do with a lot more counselling. Hope some of this is - excuse the pun - food for thought

mathanxiety - looks like we're both kinda suggesting v similar things. Great minds and all that!

His mother is dead, he lost it completely after she died which lead to us splitting up and eventually the counselling.

He's an arrogant fucking knob who thinks that he is the only person in the household whose feelings matter. This isn't Aspergers, this is 'Look at me, I'm so special' behaviour.

For once I disagree with SGB.

Food is a really complicated area, and a classic one for playing out issues of control, love, nurture, etc. Look at how powerful eating disorders can be; people die rather than manage to overcome them. Look at the multibillion dollar diet industry. Look at how emotive people get about other people's food allergies or intolerances, it's hard not to take it as a personal slight when it really isn't. Food is never just fuel.

Katycarr, your partner clearly has some really deep-rooted issues around food, and yes it seems like it has its roots in feelings of giving/accepting love and nurture. The fact that he apologised about your daughter's cooking, and has promised to try and eat it, is a huge thing. I hope he manages to stick to that, because you're right, it's basic parenting.

As for your own cooking, this is where your issues and his collide. You sound like a fantastic cook (please put that recipe in the Food section!) and I know what you mean about it being the thing you can do, your talent, your best way of showing love. I'm the same; I cook huge elaborate dinner parties for friends who'd be just as happy with pizza. My mother hurt her foot this week and couldn't drive to the shops, or stand to cook, and I took her over a couple of homecooked frozen meals from my freezer, and I just swelled with pleasure that I had a stash of homecooked food ready at no notice that I could give to someone in need.

He should understand how important it is to you, that it's your way of showing how much you love him, and he should try and appreciate it. But he's not responsible for your self esteem either. If you feel like you're bad at everything else and your worth is only through your food...maybe you need to look at that as well? That's not a great way to live, tbh, feeling that you only have the one thing to offer.

You two will get there, I think. Good luck.

"I on the other hand adore food and show my love through food"

I assume he knows that this is how you show love, by cooking a good meal? Therefore, I find it worrying tbh!

I am finding it hard to put into words why...just that him rejecting your meals, the way you show love...dunno,...can't explain it. Just feels wrong in some way.

And to return a gift (the cuff links) while you cried?