to have told a young woman she's actually my sister

[Irons]

16 years ago I was given the name of a little girl (9 years younger than me) who is apparently my half-sister. Apparently my father had an affair with her mother but because it was an affair she grew up thinking her mother's husband was her father. He however passed away many years ago.

I waited until she was an adult and she is now 21 and I found her on Facebook and introduced myself, telling her what I know. I've since had a phone call from my angry father who had had a phone call from her mother "asking me to back-off" because they don't want her to know the truth.

It's really bugging me now. Do I let it go or push on in finding out the truth at the risking of upsetting everyone including my father? Ultimately the truth can only be resolved by DNA testing which is very expensive.

Was IBU to contact her?

Nellykats - I'm fine thank you. I'm not really emotionally distraught over the comments made to me. I know what type of person I am.

Having read everyones comments I have concluded as follows: perhaps I didn't choose the best method of contact, but over 16 years I made all attempts I could (with the help of my mother) to make contact via my father, her mother, friends of the family etc and in the end I was left with no choice but to use the internet. After all, we are living in the 21st century.

Yes, perhaps the consequences of my actions could have been devistating. But I had thought long and hard about what I would say, how I would handle any possible responses and what support I could offer her. I did not just one day switch my computer on and decide to "ruin" someones life. My hope is that I have opened the door to a possibly wonderful relationship between two young woman. Just as an extra bit of info: she has not been shocked and devistated by my message to her because as it turns out I was not the first to tell her about this.

Finally to answer some of the people who have questioned my reasoning for doing this, I will say as follows: my life changed too when I found out about this. Don't forget I was only 14 and for some strange reason I longed for a relationship with a sister I never had. I thought about her often and wished I could meet her. Maybe I am a sad looser for wanting a sister. Maybe it was selfish. But how was I supposed to shake that nagging feeling? I tried and tried to forget about it and when I did manage to do that something would always come up to bring it all back. Then to find her name on FB - it was just too much for me. It was the closest I had ever got. How was I supposed to ignore that?

Anyway, this is my final say on the matter. Thank you for the support and even to those who have said I was unreasonable (in a non-abusive manner), you have opened my eyes and made me see a lot more than I did before.

Cheerio and I'll see you around on some other posts I'm sure.

Irons, whilst I stand by what I said earlier, I understand you a whole lot better now. I hope it works out well for all concerned.

good luck Irons

YANBU to want to get to know your sister. Also I don't think YABU to contact her via Facebook if there was no other way you could find to contact her.

She may not be your half sister though, and being a half sister may not be a big deal to her. If I had a half sister I'm not sure I'd be bothered about meeting her, my sister is the woman I grew up with.
Knowing your genetic heritage is overrated as older relatives may have smoked, been obese and not exercised, had fried breakfasts every morning etc all of which can influence the illnesses you get as much as genes.
She knows one half of her genetic heritage anyway, and might well know all of it if you are wrong and the woman who told you is just stirring.
It sounds as though you've dwelled on this too much over the years.

Irons
Don't know if you will come back and read this but really wanted to add my voice. I found out 6 years ago I had an older half sister I never knew about. Yes it came as a massive shock and I was devastated. But I was also angry about the hundreds of lies and knowing looks that must have been told and given over the years without me having the foggiest. She made the contact with my family because of her overwhelming desire to know where she had come from.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I don't think you really know what you would do until it happens to you. Emotions and 'the truth' are very powerful things.

Good luck - I am now really blessed to have another sister in my life and I cant imagine not having her around now.
Give it time - I hope it all works out for you.

It's not right to contact the mother first, it's certainly not necessary this girl is 21 not 12.
2rebecca....what a nasty post, can't imagine why you wouldn't want another sibling, another connection.

I have a cousin, who doesn't know she's my relation, she is 38. I knew when I first met her when I was eight that she must be my relation because she looked like my family. (I was eight so made a connection that I wouldn't as an adult). I found out years later that she was my cousin. Her biological father (my father's brother) died at 49 without ever telling her or his other daughter. I think it's very sad.