to have told a young woman she's actually my sister

[Irons]

16 years ago I was given the name of a little girl (9 years younger than me) who is apparently my half-sister. Apparently my father had an affair with her mother but because it was an affair she grew up thinking her mother's husband was her father. He however passed away many years ago.

I waited until she was an adult and she is now 21 and I found her on Facebook and introduced myself, telling her what I know. I've since had a phone call from my angry father who had had a phone call from her mother "asking me to back-off" because they don't want her to know the truth.

It's really bugging me now. Do I let it go or push on in finding out the truth at the risking of upsetting everyone including my father? Ultimately the truth can only be resolved by DNA testing which is very expensive.

Was IBU to contact her?

And me Irons. I can understand why you would do this.

You're not being unreasonable to want a relationship with her, but be it by Facebook or a telephone call out of the blue, you've sprung something pretty huge on this girl.

You've had years of knowing about her and coming to terms with it. You should have considered how this might affect her more really.

Has she responded to you directly or just what you've heard through your father?

YABU thats a big shock to do via facebook. You have possibly turned her world upside down do you know what's going on in her life right now, her support network etc? You shouldn't do that sort of thing when you know nothing of that persons situation at that time.

It sounds more like you did it to get back at your dad rather than build a relationship with your sister.

moominmarvellous - She has responded to me directly and doesn't believe any of it (although admits hearing similar stories in the past). I've told her I won't push the issue and if she is happy to trust what her mom says then we leave it at that and we have decided to be Facebook friends.

I would have done exactly what you did.I would probably then have regretted it but I hope very much that your half sister[who is not a child]will return the contact.I dont believe anyone could just ignore findidng they had a sister.

I actually don't think you are being unreasonable.

My DH was recently contacted by his "half sister" that he has never met before last year through facebook. They now speak a lot and he was never once angry with her for contacting him. They have been talking about meeting up - but haven't done so yet. She is in irland, we are in south England and we are all quite skint so it hasn't happened yet.

The truth is the only thing worth having, and, in a civilized life, like ours, where so many risks are removed, facing it is almost the only courageous thing left to do. ~E.V. Lucas

You have, without doubt, caused your father, her mother and this woman immense pain. Alright, so if in some twisted way you wanted to pay them back for the affair, well done, but why destroy this woman's identity? You're not going to have much of a relationship with a woman in a foreign country who, TBH, probably thinks you are completely mad. You don't even know if it's true!

So how did you come by her name?

finding

Thediaryofanobody - sorry, why would I want to get back at my dad? I was certainly dissapointed in him for never acknowledging his own daughter, but I've got no reason to want to get back at him for anything!

I dont know why everybody is saying that you are U as you are not. You are her half sister and would like to make contact with her, mabey build up a relationship with her what the hell is wrong with that. She is 21 fgs an adult not a child, she will find out the truth eventually, hasent she got a right to know! Whats wrong with Facebook, its not like she broadcasted it on her wall, the op probably sent her a private message.

If you love your Dad so much, why cause him all this pain?

You don't actually know that it is true at all. And you've put your desire for some imagined relationship with someone you've never even met ahead of her rights. You've caused a great deal of distress just for your own selfish needs. Very badly done indeed.

Just leave it at that Irons and back away now, if she wants to get in contact with you she will. The parents should tell her the truth, they have no right hiding it from her.

Tanga - as I said previously I wasn't getting anyone back for the "affair" (my parents split long before this happened). It was her mother who was married and having the affair with my father who was a single man - so I am certainly not bitter over that.

Secondly, it's not a foreign country, it's also my country of birth and where I have lots of family ties.

Thirdly, I got her name from a friend of her mother's who is unfortunately a drunk and could never provide me with contact details.

Finally, I know it is true because my father admitted it to me. I used the words "apparently" because nobody could ever be 100% certain without a DNA test.

Your mum and her dad are being VVVVVVU too hiding things from their daughter.

I think all is fine SO FAR - you had this info and you shared it with her in the most practical manner. It was always going to be a shock, and in some ways this is probably better than a phone call as it gives her time to think before responding.

The key thing now is how you carry on - if she isn't interested or doesn't believe it then you must back off. You have given her the facts and must let her decide what she wants to do. I think it is really weird that she wants to be FB friends with you - that is an odd sort of compromise.

Yes I agree with pigletmania. She absolutely deserves to know the truth. However don't push it any further with her. If she wants to come to you and ask questions that is fine. She probably needs time to process this all and possibly look into it further and reconcile details with her mother.

pigletmania - it was most certainly a private message. And, thank you.

sorry meant her your dad and her mum. The truth has to come out eventually, her parents are the ones in the wrong and are lying to their duaghter. Just back off now and leave it.

FGS you've destroyed her whole past for her!! How can that possibly be reasonable?

Why are you disappointed in him? Are you judging him for his treatment of his wife or of his lover? If of his lover, how do you know what went on between them?

Naturally you are curious, but your right to attempt to form a relationship do not over-ride the rights of others who already have a relationship ie the girl and the people she considers to be her family.

Someone needed to tell her the truth! Why not her sister. She is an adult not a child. She has decided to be FB friends with her, she obviously has some curiosity.

I can't believe that anyone thinks that it is OK to just dump this on someone like this.

You turn on Facebook, think "I will have a nosey at what everyone is up to, chat with some mates etc" and you get a message from a stranger claiming that you are the offspring of your mother's affair (which you probably don't even know about).

Your actions are very selfish IMO, you wanted a relationship, you felt she had a right to know. You know nothing about their family dynamic.