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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have told a young woman she's actually my sister

182 replies

Irons · 29/05/2010 20:51

16 years ago I was given the name of a little girl (9 years younger than me) who is apparently my half-sister. Apparently my father had an affair with her mother but because it was an affair she grew up thinking her mother's husband was her father. He however passed away many years ago.

I waited until she was an adult and she is now 21 and I found her on Facebook and introduced myself, telling her what I know. I've since had a phone call from my angry father who had had a phone call from her mother "asking me to back-off" because they don't want her to know the truth.

It's really bugging me now. Do I let it go or push on in finding out the truth at the risking of upsetting everyone including my father? Ultimately the truth can only be resolved by DNA testing which is very expensive.

Was IBU to contact her?

OP posts:

Nellykats · 30/05/2010 12:05

There is a massive difference between honesty and blatant intrusion ticktockclock. There is a reason why there are procedures in place for adopted children to be reacquainted with their natural parents for example, and in this case, finding out over the internet is intrusive and shocking.

If Irons felt so strongly about meeting her half sister maybe she should have contacted both families first and then , if they didn't want to do it themselves, perhaps she could get on a plane and meet her in person, after a letter or an intermediate contact of some kind.

It's grossly insensitive to use facebook for such life-changing news, the OP had years of knowing the truth. her sister got an email. It's disgusting.

Chandra · 30/05/2010 12:06

Perhaps this may bring another slant to the conversation? Adopted children face anguish as birth parents stalk them on Facebook

Nellykats · 30/05/2010 12:15

exactly, Chandra

Original poster

Irons · 30/05/2010 12:24

Well, I'm finding it hard to reply to everyone here but thank you for all the replies.

MrsBeans - thank you.

Chandra - my situation is very different to a legal adoption so I don't think it appropriate to make the comparison.

OP posts:

mrswill · 30/05/2010 12:26

IMO you are not unreasonable and have nothing to be ashamed of OP. I can only go by my own feelings, and if I had an unknown sibling out there I would want them to contact me, of course others may feel differently, resulting in the hot debate on here . You and your sister cant be expected to pay for your parents mistakes, surely they must have realised that things like this cant be swept under the carpet, and it sounds like you went as far as you could to force your fathers hand.

I can understand others opinions on the means by which you did it, but whats done is done. I hope you are able to forge a relationship with your sister, and wish you luck.

GothAnneGeddes · 30/05/2010 12:33

YANBU. It's other people's lies that are the issue here. If the other people involved had dealt honestly with the results of their actions, this wouldn't be an issue.

Also, I'm not sure an outside agency would make things better. I would rather discuss things with those directly involved then some hand patting do gooder.

GeekOfTheWeek · 30/05/2010 12:34

Would the parents have told her if there was a medical need op?

If so she would have found out under worse circumstances.

Imo its not right to leave someone to live a lie. The repercussions of this could be enormous. Think genetic screening for cancer, chromosomal and genetic disorders, hereditary diseases, transplants etc. The list is endless.

GeekOfTheWeek · 30/05/2010 12:37

Nellycats, how do you propose the op should have contacted her then? Her father and the girls mother wanted to continue the lies and she had no address etc.

Original poster

Irons · 30/05/2010 12:43

GeekOfTheWeek - that's right, health matters are something to be considered too. Eg. one of the major things on my father's side of the family is diabetes. By her pictures I've seen she is overweight but she doesn't know she is at a greater risk of diabetes because of the family history. My father is overweight too and on loads of meds and suffering with heart problems and his father suffered with it too. These are all things she doesn't know about.

OP posts:

ticktockclock · 30/05/2010 12:46

I can understand using intermediaries for adoptive children. Nellycats this is not an adoptive situation they are not the same and cannot be compared. It is naive to think so.

GAG you are so correct there would be absolutely no need for situations or discussion like this 'if people dealth honestly with the results of their actions'.

Cammelia · 30/05/2010 13:03

Did the man who has brought up the half-sister know that his wife had an affair?

Was the truth supressed to keep him in the dark?

Could have all been a big cover up to enable the marriage to continue or, alternatively, if he knew it was agreed not to tell the child for the sake of appearances.

I wouldn't have contacted the girl without absolute proof of the biological connection.

Original poster

Irons · 30/05/2010 13:09

How would I have obtained absolute proof?

And to answer your question, no the man who brought her up (who is still considered her father) never knew of any of it.

OP posts:

Cammelia · 30/05/2010 13:13

You couldn't which was why you shouldn't have acted.

bunkers · 30/05/2010 13:17

I have an older half brother (my Mum had to give him up for adoption back in the '60s). She told me about him when I was 16.

OP I completely understand the yearning to know your half sibling. Over the years I thought about my half brother alot and wondered whether I would ever get to meet him. Happily he sought out my Mum and I was fortunate to meet him last year.

However I would never have set out to track him down myself. And you were very unreasonable to take it upon yourself to contact your half sister, even more so by a method so impersonal as Facebook.

You know nothing about her, her personality, whether she has a stable life and can cope with this kind of a bombshell. You could have caused huge emotional damage. Do you really think that would be a good thing?

I don't think you really thought this through other than by your POV. I really hope this girl is ok.

Original poster

Irons · 30/05/2010 13:24

I've thought about it for 16 years.

And I'm not going to go through the whole facebook argument again, I've answered all that.

OP posts:

nickschick · 30/05/2010 13:25

Well I tell you what - you lot on mumsnet certainly know how to change with the wind- when I posted the exact opposite of this story involving my 16 year old ds and my dhs daughter from another wife informing ds she was his sister - I was flamed and cursed -poor girl you all said .....what about my poor ds? I was flamed.

Alouiseg · 30/05/2010 13:25

://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1282575/Couple-discover-siblings-Child-courts-blamed-strangers-f all-love-son--half-brother-sister.html

You did the right thing but possibly went the wrong way about it.

Original poster

Irons · 30/05/2010 13:29

nickschick - good for you for being honest with your child.

OP posts:

Bonsoir · 30/05/2010 13:30

What an extraordinarily self-centred OP. The world does not revolve around you and your feelings, OP - think of others, please.

nickschick · 30/05/2010 13:31

Irons ds had always known about his halfsisters but she didnt know that .....her mother wouldnt allow them any contact with us dhs second family but a bolt from the blue just before xmas also on facebook saying 'bet you dont know who I am?' really put a spanner in our xmas .....there was also about 10-11 years age gap.

LilQueenie · 30/05/2010 13:34

yanbu its not your fault that her mother wants to hide the truth. What if she was ill? Would it still be ok to deny her as a sister if you were able to help say bone marrow of something. Would the mother then say ok. I think the parents are in the wrong. The girl is living a lie.

Nellykats · 30/05/2010 13:34

"naive" ticktockclock? really? it is probably even worse in this case, as the girl had no clue about it - whereas adopted children are at least told they are adopted before that meeting. This is the job of the parents, and if not, at least deserves a more delicate approach, perhaps that's a sentiment you lack. In your quest for truth and all that.

Original poster

Irons · 30/05/2010 13:36

Bonsoir - I don't think you know me enough to make such a comment, so I won't take it personally.

OP posts:

Original poster

Irons · 30/05/2010 13:41

Nellykats - not all parents are good at their job.

OP posts:

ticktockclock · 30/05/2010 13:42

Like I said befor Nellykats I am the sister so I know how one reacts, how families handle things, the lies that are told, the spiralling deceit and coverups and the aftermath. Perhaps the mother should not have had an affair and kept it all a secret? You can't get more delicate then that.

Yes the parents should be the ones to tell the child the truth I don't disagree with that. However they had 21 years to do so and didn't. She needed to be told sooner than later, she was told by someone she does not know but that someone is her sister, nothing can change the facts.

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