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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have told a young woman she's actually my sister

182 replies

Irons · 29/05/2010 20:51

16 years ago I was given the name of a little girl (9 years younger than me) who is apparently my half-sister. Apparently my father had an affair with her mother but because it was an affair she grew up thinking her mother's husband was her father. He however passed away many years ago.

I waited until she was an adult and she is now 21 and I found her on Facebook and introduced myself, telling her what I know. I've since had a phone call from my angry father who had had a phone call from her mother "asking me to back-off" because they don't want her to know the truth.

It's really bugging me now. Do I let it go or push on in finding out the truth at the risking of upsetting everyone including my father? Ultimately the truth can only be resolved by DNA testing which is very expensive.

Was IBU to contact her?

OP posts:
Nellykats · 30/05/2010 13:49

ticktockclock I agree that she deserves to know the truth, but like you said, her mother should have been given an opportunity to do it herself. Now, the matter is out of everybody's hands really...

Irons, I do understand your frustration, it must have been a huge burden for you, so I can see why you did it. It was the way you did it that I think was wrong. I do hope you'll be able to have a relationship with her and that you can all somehow get over this.

Bobbalina · 30/05/2010 15:01

Unfortunately I don't think you have answered the facebook issue.

Your sister living abroad and having no other contact details is no excuse at all for using facebook. It is the facebook communication that is exactly what the huge problem is, not that you wanted to get in touch.

For me, I would have had a dialogue with you potentially about this if you hadn't used facebook, but because you did use it I would assume some very negative things about you (not saying these are true obviously!) but your sis has nothing to go on about you other than you think it is OK to break this by facebook. I honestly think that facebook could have lost you your sis forever.

I really really hope things come good for you and I realise it is probably very complicated and difficult for you too, and that you have waited all these years to contact her as a grown up, which is obviously really considerate and mature, but I think at the very least you should appreciate that you have gone about this in a hugely insensitive way causing uneccessary hurt to your sis and you owe her a big apology.

edam · 30/05/2010 16:08

ticktock, no idea why you keep trying to put words in my mouth that I never said.

A RL example for you of a responsible way to handle family secrets. I knew something distressing about my half-sister's maternal family - something my stepmother told me when I was a teenager. Half-sister is a lot younger than me so obviously I didn't burden her with this information when she was a child. Then, when she grew up, I did wonder whether she knew but it was not my place to tell her - not my story and I was not the person most closely concerned.

Eventually I asked my (now ex) stepmother and discovered my sister had been told. We've talked about it since - just as well as a death on her mother's side of the family meant it was all brought up again.

It wasn't my place to go rushing in with the juicy gossip, being self-righteous and hurting someone in the name of 'the truth'. So I didn't. If my ex-stepmother had chosen not to share this information, that would have been her right and not my place to ride roughshod over it. (It doesn't affect my sister on a day to day basis, no genetic component or anything.)

You have to be honest about your own motivation for telling a secret, and think carefully about the effect on the person you are telling and the other people involved. And if you are still determined to tell, you have to consider how best to do it.

BritFish · 30/05/2010 16:10

Irons, i dont think you went the right way about it although, as you said you had no other choice]
but i think you did the right thing. that mother has lied to her daughter for 21 years. your dad deserted his child.
theyve had 21YEARS and they were clearly never going to tell her. they have lied to the poor girl, and this [you telling her]will have hurt her greatly, but finding out her mother cheated on her father and then lied about who her dad was? id be so angry at my mother for being such a coward.
and the health issues are obviously a massive conern too!
hope everything turns out okay for you. how selfish your father and his mistress have been maybe you have been a little selfish here, but in someone elses best interests, their right to know who their REAL FATHER IS!

1pregheadpumpkin · 30/05/2010 16:32

why should you listen to your father's wishes? didn't he have an affair? he hardly took into consideration what affect his actions would have on you!

i'd say try again!

RunawayWife · 30/05/2010 19:34

I think the poor girl involved is the only one not to have behaved disgustingly.

RunawayWife · 30/05/2010 19:36

Also one thing I do not get is why just because you share a bit of DNA you think you have the right to bulldoze her life.

ILovePlayingDarts · 30/05/2010 20:58

As the OP has said that it's only 50:50 that this girl is actually her half-sister, there is still every possibility that the girl is not the OP's sister at all.

So, without any evidence, she's gaily waltzed in, and dropped her bombshell, and appears to be expecting a happy outcome.

YANBU to want to get to know this girl, IF she is indeed your half sister, but YABVVU in the method you chose.

You say you've had 16 years to think about this, but nowhere in your posts have you acknowledged that your bombshell might have caused pain and distress. To me, it seems it's all about you.

I believe that the true paternity should have been settled a long time ago, and that the mother should have told her daughter if her father was someone other than the man she was married to.

There are indeed some few occasions when the truth is better kept hidden, although this occasion is not necessarily one of those times.

atomicsnowflake · 30/05/2010 21:51

She's 21 and old enough to handle it. She has the right to know who her father is and if she has a half sibling out there.

21 year olds aren't kids.

Kewcumber · 30/05/2010 22:42

I love the way everyone has decided that at 21 she's able to handle it on the basis of no knowledge about her at all.

What if she has existing mental health problmes - how good will it feel then to not botehr talking to someone close to her eg her mum before springing the lovely news?

Original poster
Irons · 31/05/2010 07:59

Yes, it would have been lovely if it could have been all perfect and I could have spoken to her mother first and they could have done a DNA test and I could have had her address and telephone number to contact her before sending an email. But that is not how life goes sometimes and yes there are probably people who are going to get hurt. But I have had 16 years to think about this all on my own because my father would not talk to me about it and no one would help me get in contact with her family (apart from my own mother trying). Maybe its causing me a lot of emotional distress too. BUT all of you who have come on here and called me all sorts of horrid things have not considered my emotional state. You proclaim to be so concerned about this other woman's emotional state yet you dish out verbal abuse to someone you don't even know. So well done to you all, I shall just go slit my wrists now

OP posts:
posieparker · 31/05/2010 08:03

I think every child has the right to know who their parents are, her parents have had years to tell her but instead they haven't and she doesn't even know about you.

I think YANBU. At 21 she has a right to know.

Kewcumber · 31/05/2010 09:00

irons - people disagreeing with your actions doesn't make them verbally abusive. but please do threaten to slit your wrists if think that is a helpful comment.

I agree with Posie that if others knew she too had a right to know. However I find it hard to beleive that if you managed to get her a message through facebook that you couldn't have made contact with her mother first - you could even have facebooked her to say you were a friend of her mothers and asking her to get in touch.

I think you are finding it hard to admit that the action you took was unreasonable. But tis done now, starting an AIBU after the event was only going to result in at least 50% of people being horrified by the means you used. What were you expecting? That everyone would think it was fine?

Original poster
Irons · 31/05/2010 09:24

Disagreeing is very different to calling me "vile", "disgusting", "inhumane".....just to name a few.

I did make attempts to contact her mother previously and I was turned away.

OP posts:
sanielle · 31/05/2010 10:57

There are several posters on here Iron who forget you and your sister are in the exact same boat (and that you wanted to know her.)

And also what I find really ironic..are th people who say they have a half brother or sister that they would love to meet or did meet..

But they wouldn't ruin their sibling's life by getting in touch.. But that they do hope they get in touch with them!

Well maybe that is exactlty what the other siblings are thiking????

It is horribel news to find out and obviously a shock.. But at the end of the day, if a DNA test comfirms then you have a sister! Who sounds interested in being you sister..

And if the DNA doesn't confirm then it was all a lot of hoo ha for nothing and your "sister" will get over it.

every20minutes · 31/05/2010 11:30

Why do people place so much emphasis on the biological?

GeekOfTheWeek · 31/05/2010 12:10

every20minutes, for me its purely down to the medical side why biological parentage is so important. As I previously posted, genetic screening and hereditary diseases to name a few.

I do not speak to my bio father. I have no interest in a relationship.

every20minutes · 31/05/2010 12:16

GeekOfTheWeek I don't think that's why OP puts so much emphasis on it.

I wonder what her reasoning is.

GeekOfTheWeek · 31/05/2010 12:22

Many would argue that a person has a right to know their biological parentage. What they then do with that information is up to them.

RunawayWife · 31/05/2010 13:33

Oh off to slit your wrists now are you cause people think you have handled this badly, now theres grown up for you.

Even if this woman has some shared DNA with you I think she is going to be better off without getting to know you if this is how you behave

Silver1 · 31/05/2010 13:39

Irons this is about you- you have known this information for 16 years and so you want to do something with it, you want your sister to know- you want everyone to say you are reasonable; to Facebook someone, having no idea what is going on in her life, to tell her her Dad isn't her dad, her mum is a liar, and she should be grateful to you for this bombshell. Did you at least start your facebook post with "I am sorry to destroy your life like this..."
Decisions were taken years ago, back then they were not yours to make, and now they are not yours to break.

pranma · 31/05/2010 13:44

Many of us without siblings will understand Irons pov.I wanted a sister all my life and used to fantasise about finding I had one [or a brother at a pinch].If I had known I had a half sister I would have found it hard to wait the 16 years as Irons did.I think she has behaved admirably and I hope that one day she will meet her sister and dee=velop a relationship with her.

MarshaBrady · 31/05/2010 14:03

Irons unfortunately you posted in AIBU you are getting a very hard time.

You tried to use other ways to contact your half-sister, people stopped you at every turn, so in the end you found a way.

Fwiw a friend of mine went through a similar situation and went from being the only child to having a few brothers and sisters. She was shocked initially of course, but is so glad she has had the chance to build a caring and loving relationship with them. I hope it works out this way for you both.

Nellykats · 31/05/2010 14:51

Are you ok Irons?

GothAnneGeddes · 31/05/2010 17:18

I'm sick of people using AIBU as an excuse to be vile. I understand people have strong emotions on this topic, but that is no excuse for some of the vileness here.