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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have told a young woman she's actually my sister

182 replies

Irons · 29/05/2010 20:51

16 years ago I was given the name of a little girl (9 years younger than me) who is apparently my half-sister. Apparently my father had an affair with her mother but because it was an affair she grew up thinking her mother's husband was her father. He however passed away many years ago.

I waited until she was an adult and she is now 21 and I found her on Facebook and introduced myself, telling her what I know. I've since had a phone call from my angry father who had had a phone call from her mother "asking me to back-off" because they don't want her to know the truth.

It's really bugging me now. Do I let it go or push on in finding out the truth at the risking of upsetting everyone including my father? Ultimately the truth can only be resolved by DNA testing which is very expensive.

Was IBU to contact her?

OP posts:
Original poster
Irons · 29/05/2010 21:54

Right - well I didn't expect such a heated debate. Thank you for everyone's views. I value them all and I will come back to this post to read any further comments. I must go to bed now as DD is a very early riser.

Thank you also to those who have posted their support.

I am not and will not push this girl into any relationship she doesn't want. She requested my FB friendship after I had messaged her and I will leave it at that.

OP posts:
TiggyR · 29/05/2010 21:54

Yes I do think YABU. I understand that you may want to know get to know her, but I'm not sure if your motives are sound. Do you want to punish her for some reason? Do you think she should have to share the pain/embarrassment that you've been feeling all these years? You haven't given any thought to how you the consequences will tuen her life upside down.

scottishmummy · 29/05/2010 21:58

yes intrusive and provocative.how very vile of you

Lonnie · 29/05/2010 22:01

OP

Whilst I understand that you wanted to get to know the woman you belive to be your half sister then I do agree with others you went the wrong way. So I belive YABU to use facebook for something like this YANBU to want contact

HOWEVER You asked in a response what we all would have done if we had been in this situation so i will answer. I would have used one of the charitites out there whom deals specifically with this sort of situation. They would have made descreet contact and it would have been a time for your (suposed) half sister to get a moment to gather herself ask what questions she had etc before she had to deal with a direct contact.

You say also that only a DNA test can know this for sure if she was having an affair there is a 50 50 chance she is your half sister, your dad believes it that way yes but it appears that the mother has doubts or doesnt wish to enter tain the idea hence it would have been better to deal with it in a differen tmatter. However you cant change what happened and it appear you have done the right thing in agreeing to be friends with her and to not take it further. Now leave it at that and see if she asks questions

And please in furture consider what will happen to the person getting your contact with such a shocker facebook is not the way forward

PrettyCandles · 29/05/2010 22:02

I'm not saying that lying is good. I'm saying that there are two different truths here, and that one person is deciding that their truth is more important than the other person's truth.

This yirl's truth was that X was her father. Perhaps if she had had a poor relationship with the man who brought her up, then learning thT he was not her father would replace a lie with a truth and be good. But if she loved her father then her truth could be destroyed and replaced by a lie.

cath476 · 29/05/2010 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Sassybeast · 29/05/2010 22:06

YABU - this was not 'your' decision to make and I can't believe that you didn't decide against this after weighing up the possible implications of your actions. How do you think she is feeling 'right now' ? How do you think her mother is feeling ? And your father ? Your father has every right to be furious with you - have you though about the implications of this for your relationship with him ? I really really cannot comprehend why you though you had the right to do this.

scanty · 29/05/2010 22:06

This is a daft point but does she have a really unusual name? I've tried to find people on facebook usually having to plough through many hundreds of names with no personal details, photos etc. Why were you so sure it was her to begin with? Silly point but curious.

IsThatTheTime · 29/05/2010 22:16

I don't think there was a right/wrong thing to do about contacting her or not, so many conflicting needs in this, you can't ignore older generation's needs but also can't ignore your own. The fact she's agreed to be your facebook friend makes me think she might be thinking about it in a bit more depth. I hope it all works out for all of you in time, it ain't gonna happen overnight though. Good luck!

Original poster
Irons · 29/05/2010 22:17

Well I can't get to sleep. No surprise I guess!

Scanty - I knew it was her because I know the names of her brothers so by looking at her friends list I was pretty certain. And she came up as first in the list, but no, not an unusual name.

OP posts:
Original poster
Irons · 29/05/2010 22:20

Cath - thanks but I obviously wasn't aware of such services. Maybe I should have done my research better.

OP posts:
homicidalmummy · 29/05/2010 22:23

Why would you do that?!!!

This woman could have been living a perfectly ordinary every day life until all of this....she will be in bits, whole world upside down....is this what you wanted?

Does it make you feel better? 'Cause that's what is important

If someone was going to tell her, presumably is should have been one of her parents, not you via facebook...

Appalling really...

Rosieeo · 29/05/2010 22:26

Wow, that's really selfish. What gives you the right to do that?

At least she'd already heard the rumours before, how heartbreaking if she hadn't.

cath476 · 29/05/2010 22:27

As I said Irons, I am really not having a go, I can relate to how you are feeling and it is a very emotional time for you aswell. I have been in contact with other half-siblings after years of separation, I have managed to maintain relationships with some but not with others. All situations are individual to the people involved. I wish you well in getting to know your sister and it is never too late to approach a specialist service, if only to give you someone neutral to share your feelings with and help you to find the best way forward. You could start with After Adoption and if they are suitable, I'm sure they'd point you to someone who was. Many best wishes.

cath476 · 29/05/2010 22:28

sorry - meant to say if they AREN'T suitable

iwastooearlytobeayummymummy · 29/05/2010 22:30

Irons

What's done is done, and now my thought is how do you progress from here?

cath476 has made some good points and perhaps you need to discuss this in less public forum and seek some professional help.

I hope you are both able to build a relationship as friends.

CharlieBoo · 29/05/2010 22:32

Hi I would probaby have done the same thing. It obviously is true or why would they have told you discreetly to 'back off'. Whatever way this girl finds out is gonna be a shock, you have nothing to feel bad about. It's her mother and the people who have lied to her all these years that should be ashamed of themselves. However from your point of view there is little more you can now do, she can bury her head in the sand or pursue this with DNA, confronting her mother etc. Good luck.

Kewcumber · 29/05/2010 22:33

you should have contacted her mother and explained that you were planning to contact her daughter but that you would like her to have the opportunuity to discuss it first. Contacting her directly was inhumane.

I hope that your half sister is not too upset by this and can move on to whatever relationships she wants to have.

I'm no fan of keeping secrets like this but you appear to have blundered in wihtout much regards to hpw it might afect her - 21 may not be a child but it is pretty young to deal with such a major bombshell.

Original poster
Irons · 29/05/2010 22:34

Just an update: I've had another message from her saying she would like to maintain contact with me and chat but without getting the family involved.

I can only assume from this that she knows the truth but it is too much to air and may cause too much upset with her family so I've told her I completely understand.

OP posts:
Dollytwat · 29/05/2010 22:34

Irons each of us would hear this information diferently, I personally would welcome someone getting in touch, however a good friend of mine had a half sister get in touch when she was nearly 50, and she decided that she'd lived her life without her and would do without her now.

My exh has a son whom he's never met, and I've made sure my boys know they have a half brother somewhere, they've grown up knowing. So that if he ever shows up, and very welcome he'd be too, they wouldn't get the shock my friend had.

So I understand why you did it, it may not have been the best way, but you did what alot of us would have.

EnvelopeDuvet · 29/05/2010 22:36

YANBU. No one seemed like they were going to tell her, it's her right to know. It's not her mothers secret to keep from her. Far worse to think she may never have found out and would have wanted to know. She isn't a child - you definatly did the right thing.

Nifa86 · 29/05/2010 22:37

I have been in this position, on both sides as well!!
Have been contacted by, and contacted family members (siblings and others) it can cause a lot of shock (My mum knew I had a sister in the same school as me in the year below and didn't tell me, I found out from the sister one day when I was 14!)
Last year I discovered the names of my two half brothers and found them on facebook. One wasn't interested, the other is on my friends list and we chat occasionally. It actually transpired that although my half brothers knew who their dad was they had no idea about any siblings and I felt quite guilty about being the one who told them (ie having to question why their mum hadn't told them etc as she knew and has met my mum)
You weren't wrong to contact her, her mum and (your) dad knew you knew and could contact her at any time and it was their responsibility to tell her the truth or at the very least your dad could have asked you not to do anything until he had spoken to her/her mother himself. You can't force these relationships though, its not like siblings that you grow up with. My half sister and I don't get on and no longer speak, I don't really get on with my half brother either. Wish you all the best in the future with this though, you never know what might happen when the dust settles.
Sorry bout the essay

cath476 · 29/05/2010 22:38

That sounds positive Irons.
fingers crossed for you.

HelenFF · 30/05/2010 01:57

I can understand why you did it and actually I think it is important for the half sister to have found out at some point. I've been asked for my family's medical history quite a bit over the last year and it would be frustrating to find out now that I'd got half of it wrong! Maybe an intermediary agency might've been a good idea, but you didn't know. Best of luck going forward from here

gtamom · 30/05/2010 03:03

I understand the need to find your half sister. She is 21 not 12, she is old enough to know. Her mother may be ashamed and humiliated that her affair has been exposed. The step father is deceased, so he is not being shattered by the news. The girl has learned she has a living father, she may want to get to know him in time. And she has a sister.

It would have been great if you could have said to the girl, "Please ask your mother to e-mail me, I am an old friend's daughter" or something like that. Then let the mother know you wanted to meet her. I would be more shocked my mother had an affair than that I had a half sibling. But I would quickly get over it, and maybe be upset that my mother had betrayed my "father". That is what secrets like this are about. Hiding bad behavior.
Good luck!

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