to have told a young woman she's actually my sister

[Irons]

16 years ago I was given the name of a little girl (9 years younger than me) who is apparently my half-sister. Apparently my father had an affair with her mother but because it was an affair she grew up thinking her mother's husband was her father. He however passed away many years ago.

I waited until she was an adult and she is now 21 and I found her on Facebook and introduced myself, telling her what I know. I've since had a phone call from my angry father who had had a phone call from her mother "asking me to back-off" because they don't want her to know the truth.

It's really bugging me now. Do I let it go or push on in finding out the truth at the risking of upsetting everyone including my father? Ultimately the truth can only be resolved by DNA testing which is very expensive.

Was IBU to contact her?

Wait a second father has an affair. Then tells his daughter she has a sister. But she isn't allowed to contact her.

And then (as can be expected) she wants to have a relationship with this person... she is being unreasonable!??

The father was worng. The mother was wrong..

WHy should she have to get permission? It is her sister! Dad should never have told her in the first place if he didn't want her to do anythign about it.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I think her parents should have told her, not least for the medical aspect, what if she needed a blood transfusion, medical history, genetic history for any reason quickly? Could be life and death for her. Not that that's the only reason. People don't have a right to keep parentage from someone just because it might be "difficult" for them to face. I find it laughable to be honest. If it's so sodding "difficult" don't have a bloody affair in the first place!

No shit it would cause family upset! That is all on the parents though, the minute they embarked upon an affair. No way should the op be shouldering the blame for their doings.

Wanting to get in touch is understandable and legitimate but using Facebook to do it is so very wrong, and if what you want is a relationship then the facebook approach has very likely blown this out of the water... insensitive in the extreme imo.

Hey, I think I like the Sunday morning posters better than the Saturday evening ones.

Bobbalina - perhaps you didn't see some of my replies regarding Facebook. I tried to get other contact details but nobody would help me and she also lives in another country.

It wasn't the father who told the OP originally, it was some drunken relative.

It really doesn't matter who told the OP. The OP has a biological sister, whose parents have lied to her all her life. There is No excuse for that.

This girl is now an adult she has the right to know her parentage and the truth obviously was not coming from her mother who had an affar FFS! People who hide and lie and decieve their own children because of their pathetic mistakes that they can't handle?? What Quality individuals. No wonder shows like Jeremy Kyle are full.

This is an interesting one. I know I've got 2 half-brothers and a half sister from my father's 2nd marriage and they are on facebook. I'm also pretty sure they know nothing about me. I haven't got any other siblings - something that I am actually really sad about.

That said I will not be contacting them. A biological link doesn't give me any rights and I have no idea how any contact would make them feel or affect their lives. If they find out about me and contact me then I'd be delighted though.

It would be wonderful if everyone was honest and always did the right thing but life just isn't like that. I will shield my children from things - hopefully they won't hate me for it but understand that I made decisions at the time with what information I had. Sometimes the 'truth' is over-rated!

It sounds like you might be able to build a relationship with her - that's great. Good luck.

It's really not the OP's job to storm in on a moral crusade and right all wrongs, though. She's acting out of her own interests in having a relationship with someone she's never met - confirmed in a previous post - not out of sheer Christian charity or anything.

We don't know these people so we can't judge. Maybe the alleged half-sister (even the OP doesn't know if this is actually the case) had a happy childhood with her mother and father that would have been destroyed if there had been a big Eastenders-stylie fuss about the affair? Maybe the alleged half-sister IS actually the child of her parents' marriage and the OP is causing a great deal of distress for nothing?

When the mother had the affair and got pregnant that caused the problem. If the parents did not want that destroyed then they should have worked through it brought up the sister with the truth of her parentage. The only people this is on is the parents. That's right they made their bed and now they need to lie in it.

It is not about a 'moral crusade'! It is about having a sibling and wanting to know that sibling and have that sibling know the truth. She needed to be told.

The truth is never 'over-rated', I am shocked that people think that. It is so nice to know that so many people value lies and deceit over someones embarrasment for a situation that they have gotten themselves into in the first place. How very, very sad.

Forget about the mother, this is about the supposed half-sister and her right to live her life in peace without interfering busybodies.

The OP admits she does NOT actually know if this woman is her half-sister. And even if she did, Facebook, FFS? A responsible approach would have been to use an intermediary - one of the charities who operate in this area, for instance. But the OP didn't stop to think about what she was doing or the impact on the other woman.

It's not the parents who will be lying on the bed the OP is making, it's the alleged half-sister. Get your rocks off being self-righteous and judgmental if you like, but to do it at the expense of an innocent person is just cruel.

I only wish ticktock that I had your certainty that I always know exactly the right way to handle every situation so the no-one ever gets hurt/lied to now and in the future. Even with the, inevitably, limited facts that you know about this situation you are convinced that you know what is right and wrong for everyone involved.

You obviously know better than me.

Honesty is what is correct. It does not matter what the situation is. It is the truth that sets us free.

The expense of an innocent person?? Live in peace??? Oh, yes you mean live a lie. Yep that's good.

It seems we have many people who believe in peddling lies and deceipt. Hurrah!

Dirty little secrets always come out and if your are not truthful from the beginning then the consequences can be very unfortunate.

to the op
i would have done the same
good luck for the future

ticktock, inflicting YOUR perception of honesty on another person just to feed your own glow of self-righteousness is really unkind. Concern for another's wellbeing is not a bad thing. Reluctance to cause distress is not a bad thing. Suddenly contacting a complete stranger on Facebook to say 'Surprise, your Dad isn't your Dad' IS clearly a bad thing. Good grief. I hope no-one ever asks you to be discreet. No doubt you'd be enjoying yourself trumpeting everyone else's dirty laundry all over town ? all the while while managing to convince yourself that you are in the right.

I agree with JodieO.

Been in a similar situation myself, found out at 13 thankfully. The effects could have been devestating had I had children before I found out.

Op, YANBU

I can't believe you told her via FB. That's really low. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

As someone who found out I had an older half-sister at the age of 35, I would say you were completely out of order on all fronts. In my case, it has turned out delightfully and I am becoming closer to my half sister everyyear, howeverm there is no escaping the fact that it was an extraordinary and devastating surprise at the time. I cannot imagine how I would have felt to find out so casually, and at a time when I was still finding my feet in the world.

There is a differnce between being discreet and LYING. It has nothing to do with self-righteousness, yes the truth often does hurt but it is far better than a pile of lies. People can often manage to work through the truth, a lifetime of lies on the other hand...

My own mother did not tell me that my stepfather was not my father for many years. My Grandmother finally told me the truth, forcing my mother's hand. She was a Liar to protect her own ass and embarassment for her stupid behaviour. Was I angry with her, too right. How Pathetic. Lying gets people no where. Do you have first hand experience of this edam?? Well I do. I AM the sister! (not of the OP obv)

It has nothing to do with trumpeting other's dirty laundry. Perhaps the OP should not have discussed this in a public forum, but as she feels anonymous on this forum and wanted some feedback she felt the need to post.

No I do not think it is better to bury your mistakes under lies and deceit. I hope that your husband never cheats on you and lies to you about it or that your children don't lie and decieve you for any reason. But if they do don't go crying about it, because you seem to think it is ok to do that to keep these secrets to be 'kind'.

YABVU poor girl finding out things like this from a stranger on face book

I wouldn't have contacted her via facebook without warning my father I was going to do it first. Not just ask him to contact her but tell him you will be doing it - so that he's got a couple of days grace to call her mother and prepare the ground.

I was just thinking about what I would have done if this was me at 21, and the thing no one seems to have asked, is she a student? It's end of May and she's 21 so would be the year of graduating for most. Have you just dropped this on her just before her uni finals? When she's not at home and can't take a week or so to go home and talk to her mother?

Ticktock, I agree with you and i am the sister too.

Don't be ridiculous, ticktock. Now you are wishing divorce and badly behaved children on me, just for disagreeing with you? Blimey. What do you if someone dares to have a different opinion from you IRL?

My former boss had a breakdown one day, we didn't know what happened but he never returned to work. As far as I know he was down for a long time.

After a few years I learned that the day he had the breakdown some "charitative soul" had let him know that the person who he always though was his mother was her grandmother and his older sister his real mum. It brought his life down.

I don't have a clue why do you think that this poor girl should be happy to know the truth, that his beloved father is a man who stepped in as her real father was some unfaithful bastard who had not seen her mum since. That her mum has been lieing to her all her life when in fact she was only trying to protect her? Lovely!, so yes, I think you are totally unreasonable and selfish, you think of her as a lovely "little sister" out there you would like to meet so you ruin her life to reel her in? I'm sure she won't be grateful...

Really not sure what you are reading Edam?? I never wished anything on you?

You have repeatedly said that the sister should not have been told to be 'kind' so that the 'dirty laundry' is not aired etc. You are the one that seems to think that 'circumstances' must make it ok to lie to and decieve this girl. However if lies and deceit happened to you all of a sudden it would not be ok. Yes the truth for you but not for others....

The old 'do as I say but not as I do'

Many people have differing opinions than I in RL however those with fundamental differences are not in my social circle. Lying is a fundamental difference, I don't welcome liars as friends.

I think that it's quite peculiarly British to frame this in terms of "rights"/"privacy" etc. Facebook is fairly public. It invites random contact sometimes. It is also a fairly easy way of contacting someone for whom you have no other contact details.

I don't know what I'd have done in your situation Irons, but I'm fairly sure that I don't agree that it's an 'invasion of privacy' or it's 'not your right'. A drunken relative told you, no one is banging on about them destroying your life. Does your life feel destroyed?

Why will it ruin her life, I'm not sure? Speaking as someone who had all sorts of 'revelations' within my own family, I think the drama of the reveal is more quickly adapted to than you might think. Regret is a more pernicious enemy in life and might have 'ruined' the OP's life.

Sheesh. Ruined lives. There are people on this forum who have suffered the most unimaginable pain, loss etc.. I really don't think that this compares to e.g. a sudden bereavement. It would require adjustment to, certainly but let's tone it down a notch with the home-wrecking. People move on.