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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really annoyed at people constantly assuming I've delayed having kids til my early forties because I have chosen a career 'instead'

190 replies

hairytriangle · 27/05/2010 22:54

when nothing could be further from the truth?

it really grinds my gears when the assumption is that if you don't yet have kids, you've 'sacrificed' it to be a 'career woman'.

and

when people ask you why you haven't had kids - like it's not really personal and it's any of their business?

Well, am I?

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 27/05/2010 22:57

No yanbu - people do fill in the gaps though - it's a basic human instinct to both be curious and to think everyone else is messing things up. The art is in keeping those thoughts to yourself! Lots of us aren't terribly good at that.

MavisEnderby · 27/05/2010 23:01

No it is your personal choice.I never thougt I would have children,both were happy accidents

Ignore these people.Life is too short.

NestaFiesta · 27/05/2010 23:23

YANBU. I would have had 4 kids at school age intervals but I didn't meet my husband til I was 35 so I had two incredible boys with a 3 year gap. Career? What career? I just had jobs to make ends meet before that.

Half the time the reason is that we want to bring kids into a stable relationship. None of us can guarantee when or if that will happen. We're just blessed to have kids at all. People who mutter "career woman" are clueless and probably got the idea from the Daily Mail.

maryz · 27/05/2010 23:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hester · 27/05/2010 23:36

YANBU. I'm a REALLY old mum and get really pissed off with people's assumptions that at some stage I sat down, weighed up the pros and cons of being a young mum versus an old mum, and thought, 'You know what, I'll play russian roulette with my last egg, just for fun!'

I don't know anybody who decided they'd rather be pregnant in their 40s than in their 30s. It's more that life sometimes gets you to the position where you have to decide to become a mother in your 40s or not at all.

LittleMissHissyFit · 27/05/2010 23:38

Tell them 'It's personal' and leave it at that.

It IS none of their business, and who honestly cares what they think. If they have the cheek to ask, cut em off, they are not friends, friends don't do that.

Stuff em!

colditz · 27/05/2010 23:39

It's not women'#s fucking fault if they are surrounded by roaming dicks who know thy can mate u7ntil they die, so feel no need to mate NOW.

skihorse · 28/05/2010 09:19

YANBU.

nestafiesta I like your point, and for me this is the most ridiculous thing about the entire statement. Career? Career? I do wish people would stop bandying this word around as though it means something. 98% of us are working (in pretty fucking normal jobs if we're brutally honest)to keep the wolf from the door - cabinet members, rocket scientists and neurosurgeons are few and far between.

So there you go, I sacrificed my most fertile years by keeping a roof over my head and paying my bills. What an utterly selfish prick I am.

Heaven help those women leaving university now with xk of student debt, poor work prospects, crippling housing rates and rampant inflation.

ClaireDeLoon · 28/05/2010 09:37

Irritates the hell out of me too, in fact someone at work once said to me 'oh well you're not going to have children you wouldn't understand about having children and working' I was 37 at the time yet people assume I'm not going to have children because I've got a good job, well sorry the trying to have children bit is actually dominating my life at the moment and I didn't choose to wait because of my career I chose to wait because I never met someone as lovely as DP when I was younger. I can't thinking of anyone who would wait until 35+ to put up with the impaired fertility and crappy miscarriages simply because they wanted a promotion or two.

pedrothellama · 28/05/2010 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

herbaceous · 28/05/2010 09:44

Makes me .

No-one talks of 'career men', either.

I didn't meet my DP until I was 37 ? before that, merely a succession of gays and cocklodgers ? and until then hadn't really wanted children. When I got to 39 all the sirens went off, and trying to get pregnant and not miscarry (which I did, four times) dominated my life. My 'career' could sod off.

Now I've finally had my fab DS (born when I was 43, last year) everyone's asking me if I'm having another.

Original poster
hairytriangle · 28/05/2010 09:58

I thought so LOL.

I am forty two and now trying for the first time. I have had a career - a good one - but the reason I have not had kids (despite desperately wanting them) was that my ex had long standing ill mental health, had two kids already, and basically over time managed to get me to surpress my wishes and wants.

Perhaps I should tell the busy bodies that - they'd wish they'd never asked!

OP posts:
bonnymiffy · 28/05/2010 10:05

I was "chugged" by someone collecting for a charity that set up midwifery clinics in the 3rd world, and would have been happy to donate until the young man asked me if I had children. When I said no, he asked me why not! I wanted to tell him to fuck off but I chickened out and told him that was a bit personal and he backed off. (married 3 months ago at 41, am ttc now and I'm on MN as I'm a step-mum). Like ClairedeLoon and Herbaceous I would have much preferred to have met DH at least 10 years ago and have children by now but that's not how it worked out. No, I don't have a career, I have a job, and everyone's reason for not having kids is their reason and doesn't need exploring by anyone, even friends.

BigFatSepticToe · 28/05/2010 10:08

YANBU OP, people should mind their own business

the incident with the lady and the 16yo office junior is awful, thank god someone put her straight for you, hope she grew up a bit and learned something!

equally it pisses me off when people assume that if you have more than 2 kids, the third one was a mistake or was to stop you being bored at home on your own - I gave up my career to be a SAHM, and due to our reduced household income we do have to make sacrifices and difficult choices, but none of that is anyone elses business!

ClaireDeLoon · 28/05/2010 10:11

Pedro that's awful

pedrothellama · 28/05/2010 10:21

Thanks ClaireDeLoon

I just wish I had slapped her AND been the one to put her straight

barbigirl · 28/05/2010 10:31

YANBU. People's assumptions are just vile. I'm trying to think of a clever, witty comeback that would shut them up and make them realise the error of their ways....

But actually if you respond acerbically, people will think you have 'issues'. You simply cannot win.

Also, people are strange. Whilst I was going through IVF, I got sick of a woman I knew constantly going on about how she hated kids and how she and her husband were going to downsize because they weren't having kids. Turned out that she was doing IVF at the same time as me and that was her defence mechanism! So sometimes it's projection of themselves more than a reflection of you?

Downdog · 28/05/2010 10:37

YANBU - though perhaps there are enough over 40 1st time Mums now to be forming a new 'normal'?

So many women I know either have had kid/s in 40's or late 30's, or have been having IVF etc. Most have good jobs but I wouldn't describe any of us as "career women".

pedrothellama · 28/05/2010 10:38

Okay I really want to know - can someone come up with a response that does not go into details, isn't offensive or too glib?

Something along the lines of;

"It wasn't through lack of trying" etc etc

bonnymiffy · 28/05/2010 10:48

Maybe not having had a partner means I've missed out on the comments, but Pedro you were very restrained, I'm sure I'd have said something extremely offensive acerbic (and then cried) particularly as at 16 you are unlikely to be aware of any of the possible issues.
Lol at not through lack of trying!

barbigirl · 28/05/2010 11:15

I've lost track of the hours I spent coming up with responses to this kind of nonsense. But I'm not convinced it ever works.

When I finally did get pregnant, I got sick of people telling me I wasn't putting on enough weight. Subtext- 'you're so vain about your figure, you're jeopardising your baby's health'.

So, finally fed up, I once cuttingly said to a friend's mum 'Well, I have been making sure I continue with the regular bulimic sessions and restricting myself to 800 calories a day'. She was devastated and really hurt that I'd thrown her concern back in her face. I then apologised a lot and took a load of flak for being a smart-arse.

nickelbabe · 28/05/2010 11:26

oh, barbigirl - that poor lady. she was obviously devastated by it.

nickelbabe · 28/05/2010 11:28

(the first ivf lady, not the one that made the comment about your wweight)

follygirl · 28/05/2010 11:44

I find that people seem to think that they are able to make personal comments regardless of the situation.
As soon as I became pregnant I became public property. Complete strangers would touch my bump without asking! I mean, I wouldn't grab someone's bum, so why do people think they can do that? Then people would tell me what sex I was having because of the way I carried. Then when they were born, they would tell me what to do if they were crying. It just goes on and on.......

I am sorry that people make comments about the fact that you don't have children. My brother and his wife have been ttc for a few years now and are sick to death of people assuming that they don't want children, or saying 'so when are you going to have children?' It's not always that simple is it?

potteringon · 28/05/2010 11:52

YANBU, but it works the other way as well.

We chose to have kids in our twenties because it was the right time for us, personally. People tend to assume that it was an 'accident' or that I've sacrificed my 'career', such as it was, and therefore somehow ruined my life.

I was doing my professional qualifications at university while I was quite heavily pregnant, a lady in the group who was in her thirties said, to my face, 'of course most educated women choose to wait until their thirties so they are mature enough to be a good mother to their kids.' Was too gobsmacked to reply at the time, but it was very hurtful.