to be really annoyed at people constantly assuming I've delayed having kids til my early forties because I have chosen a career 'instead'

[hairytriangle]

when nothing could be further from the truth?

it really grinds my gears when the assumption is that if you don't yet have kids, you've 'sacrificed' it to be a 'career woman'.

and

when people ask you why you haven't had kids - like it's not really personal and it's any of their business?

Well, am I?

Bit of both for me - I admit I did enjoy having my 30's free and easy, spending my wages on myself and taking trips when I felt like it. But yes, the whole 'career woman' thing is a load of shit.

I think with all these people asking when are you going to have them, why aren't you having them, why are you having so many etc, most of them are just making conversation and dare I say it's the insecurity and worry felt by the askee not the asker that makes these innocently meant questions come out sounding like the third degree!

If anybody asked me why I didn't have kids until now I'd just tell them. I don't have a problem with it and I'm also curious about others, that's just the way I am.

Its an interesteing talk. It is indeed personal. I can imagine people ask very personal questions which you may not wish to answer.

Sometimes people do not not think before they say things.

My cousin was tyring for years to have a baby and at the age of 49, I believe, she had her hearts desire. Thats wonderful !!

Women may have children later for various reasons and thats very personl to them.

Its an eye opener.

hmm, thumbwitch, that's an interesting question.
i know i feel like my biological clock is ticking, and that time is running short on me. if someone told me i couldn't have children i would be devastated, but not necessarily because i really really want children - i want the choice. i think i've gone long enough now without it ever being a distinct possibility, that i can accept "what will be will be". i left my ex for many reasons, but for years i stayed with him in the hope that he would change his mind, but he never did. i moved my mind onto other things - don't know if that was because i resigned myself to never having children, or if it was jsut me and my fickle nature
my DF wants to have children, but never having met anyone before, he resigned himself to never having them. that means i guess both of us are open to having children and would be so happy to have them, but if we couldn't, it wouldn't be the end of the world.
even typing this, i'm not sure if i believe that.
i don't know if when i get to old age, i would be heartbroken not to have the next generation to look after me, or to leave my books to ()
but until i start making money in this shop, i can't even start to plan ttc.
and there you go, life is happening while i wait for my life to happen....
(i have run through my head looking after a baby/toddler whilst being at the shop, many times, so my head thinks it's do-able)
oh, we've also picked out names for our imaginary children too.

there might be more to this than meets the eye....

up till now, in my life, planning children has been similar to planning what to do with the lottery win - it will be great if it happens, but it seems like a pipe dream.

I have a job which isn't really a career job and have been with dp since I was 28 but didn't get round to having kids until I was nearly 38. We agreed we wanted kids very early on in our relationship, we just didn't start to try for a long time. We now have two and I feel really lucky and sometimes wish I'd had them earlier.

Fortunately people haven't quizzed me too much about it all.

really liked this thread as suffered from when are you going to get sprogged up queries for years - although if i was in a relationship felt as though had failed as not married with kids after 6 months and if was single felt had failed as no man would have me as i got older!

had to laugh as as got older got less tolerant of time wasters and on first dates or at first meeting would find a way of saying was wanting to be married with kids as not getting any younger. certainly weeded out the ones who were just playing wish had done it from teenager onwards. also wish had not lived with anyone when i was younger and played housewife

did date some lovely men who said they were terrified of career women in the office as they were like blokes... one said he felt there would just be too much testosterone in the home but maybe they said that to make me drop my pants. or make them cookies

HairyT can't believe with all you're going through at the moment you found the energy to start this thread - you go girl

It's all down to life - f**king life!

Wasn't my choice to be the "wrong" side of 35 - only if you count choosing the "wrong" partners before now as the crime.

Met my first love in my 20s - wanted children then, he did not. Have never really got over him - if I found out now he had kids I'd be pretty devestated if I'm honest.

More f**kwits later and I met DP 3 yrs ago aged 33. Wish we'd tried asap but after all the relationship failings previously wanted to feel secure first - maybe people feel it would've been better for me to have brought a child into the world when we were just getting to know each other?

Aged 36 - conceived first time - twins - lost them very recently at 12 weeks. Am hoping for the happy ending.

I have a career but I hate it - have to remind myself that it pays the bills for now. I'd give it all up to be a Mum.

It wasn't a conscious choice it's just where we're at.

I used to tell people that I had to consummate the marriage first, which did shut them up and had the added satisfaction of making a few of them blush, too .

Then I had DS, so couldn't use it any more. I used to tell them that he was my only surviving child (I had a number of m/cs) and that also had the desired effect.

i hate it when people ask me how many children do i have and the look of disapproval when i say one, the way they take forgranted that you have infinite fertility and can pop them out like rabbits without much thought or effort as they more than likely have. now when the ask me how many children do i have when i have said one and they ask if i am going to have more i simply tell them i am infertile which i am. had 6 hellish years of desperately trying for a second and have now given up as far too old (45) and am now (pretty sure) perimenopausal, the joys of being a woman. i HATE the school run, bloody women

I have four DCs (that's four that made it off the production line, and one that didn't ) and happen also to have a career. I do get a bit sick of the 'oooh, you do a job like that, how do you cope with four?' DH does not get this reaction. Imagine if he went into work and people said that to him!

I also get 'oooh, what big gaps, do they all have different dads?'

People talk out of their bottoms half the time.

I have to say that the best one was when I went into the Co-op with DD (22) and DS3 (1), and the lady behind the till, who has known me for ten years as I used to work with her husband, asked if DS3 was my grandchild.

I think people generally just speak before thinking.

I was asked - actually, told - by my sister that I obviously didn't have any kids because me and DH were going to wait until I was in my 40's and then just have one at the last minute because it's something 'people should do'. The implication was that we are such high powered business people that we are too busy and selfish to put fertility first.

Completely unfounded - I was 26 when she said this and working as a secretary for little above minimum wage, yet she was clearly imagining me negotiating mergers and shouting "sell sell sell!!!" all day. What was hurtfull was that we had been ttc for a while so this comment stung.

i didn't know what to say either so just mumbled that we had been trying for a while, wrongly thinking that that might make her feel some guilt. Er, no - she just responded with "really? I can't imagine you two coping with parenthood." Nice.

I do think a certain generation of us who were teenagers in the early 80s were sold down the river with regard to our life path prospects, and were led to believe that you could "have it all" whenever you wanted. This was back in the days of early IVF and the implication was that even if problems arose, IVF would step into the breach. Now it's apparent that there are far more subtle and complicated factors at play than a woman's desire to have children when she wants them.

The fact that most women's fertility declines sharply beyond 35 for example, which I would never have fully believed until I experienced it myself (3 children almost too easily conceived in my 20s, then a 6 year "wait" for DC4) interplays with a tendency towards infantilisation (the "kidult" phenomenon which has appeared since the late 80s) through peoples' 20s and sometimes into their 30s which makes so many men too immature for fatherhood until their 40s. Women I think mature very quickly when they get pregnant so their relative immaturity vs their mothers' generation may be less of a hindrance.

Far too many women face either the spectre of single parenthood or of "delaying" parenthood until their partner is old enough, or until they decide that it's all or bust, thereby combining both spectres. It's not trivial- there's nothing easy about single parenthood. It would be lovely if it were a simple issue because that makes better headlines for simplistic meeja writers.

Truth is it's a highly complex issue that is individual to every person. The interesting part is that later parenthood is alledgedly becoming more widespread. I'd like to see how our current figures for motherhood in the 40s compare with a pre birth control time, rather than a simplistic comparison with ten year old stats which will obviously show some variation.

It is funny how people do judge also. My parents are both pretty chilled out, relaxed and tolerant people. Not judgmental or with a conservative mindset, but just recently my father - who I never would have thought would come out with a comment like this- said of someone's daughter that she will never have children because she is 'too selfish'.

I have no idea what that woman';s circumstances are, but that comment really shocked me.

The truth is, I had to really wrestle with the idea of having children in my early 30s, and one reason why i chose to do so is because my DH is alot older than me and I am frankly scared of ending up old and alone. THAT is pretty selfish too!

I completely sympathise with this. I am 43 next week and my DH and I have just had our DD (now 3 months) after 12 years of TTC. I had a quite successful career (now put very gratefully on hold for the time being) and had to put up with dreadful assumptions. One woman in my team at work said "Oh, I mustnt mention my children in front of you because if you havent had any by now you must be a child hater". As this was two days after yet another failed attempt, I informed her through gritted teeth why I hadnt had children. Now she is a lovely woman and I think I agree that people just dont think what they are saying. I also agree that its pretty personal and people dont respect that.