to be really annoyed at people constantly assuming I've delayed having kids til my early forties because I have chosen a career 'instead'

[hairytriangle]

when nothing could be further from the truth?

it really grinds my gears when the assumption is that if you don't yet have kids, you've 'sacrificed' it to be a 'career woman'.

and

when people ask you why you haven't had kids - like it's not really personal and it's any of their business?

Well, am I?

It's none of their business but that of course won't curb curiosity...
In any case, what is wrong with waiting and having a career?
Yours truly not only had a fabulous and rewarding career but also enjoyed a five star jet-setting life for two decades...
Ever so proud of my achievements and also ever so tired of flying around the world, tropical beaches (yes, really)and deluxe parties every other day. Got it all out of my system and now I'am absolutely dedicated to DTs - the very best thing that has happened to me so far
Didn't quite wait til 40, but near enough....

I can completely understand how upsetting it must be. Anyone having their choices questioned whatever they may be or even life questioned when it doesn't go the way you would have liked is going to feel pissed off

But

As someone who had my first at 22 and my last of four at 28 I find comments such as blondes nd bacons insulting

A colleague once told me that when faced with elderly ladies at christenings and baby showers who comment that "You'll be next", you should reply that you expect they feel that way on attending funerals! Never had the balls to try it but one day....!

I agree - which don't people ask the same of the men? I met dh at 32, got married at 37 and had dh at 39. I had to twist his arm to even start trying for a baby - and then it took over 6 months TTC.

When I was at Uni, I fondly imagined that I would have kids at 26 (get myself started in a career, met a nice guy, start a family....)

However, life didn't work out that way

And I desparately didn't want to have an only child but two missed misacarraiges later and now 49, I have to accept reality

However, ds is much loved by both of us

We waited to get married, have reasonable income etc and six weeks after the wedding DH was diagnosed with testicular cancer.
It de-railed our plans slightly but he had surgery and a dose of chemo and all is well now.
We then had to wait 12 months post chemo for the all clear to start trying from the oncology consultant and I'm now 16 1/2 weeks pregnant .

We've had all kinds of comments from people who didnt know about the cancer, mostly the 'hurry up, clocks ticking, arent you trying?' variety but one girl in the office nearly got slapped when she announced 'we assumed you'd gone to a fertility clinic' when I had time off for DH's chemo

Well said Rollmops

there seems to me to be an acceptance on this thread that it is not a valid choice for women to wait until later to ttc if that is what they prefer.

Duelling would it really be so awful for someone to assume that about you?

I also agree about the posts implying that older mothers are better being a bit insulting. There are different advantages and disadvantages to choosing to have your children at different ages.

I would have been a horrible mother in my 20s and did not want children then. I waited from 25 (and he waited for me) and got married at 31, had dd1 at 32.

I was lucky enough to meet a good man earlyish but I wasn't ready.

The best response I have ever heard to the 'aren't you going to have kids?' type questions was

'God has not sent them'

This was uttered with a completely straight face by one of my most rabidly atheist friends. It had the desired effect of completely flooring the person asking and IMHO did not appear rude. I have never had the balls to use it myself, for fear of not managing the straight face.

I totally agree that it is upsetting to see the usual media stereotypes about people delaying having babies for their careers. It ignores totally the role of the man in deciding when to have babies, and also ignores the increasing financial barriers. I also think it is perfectly reasonable for someone decide they are not ready / don't want children until they are older, and I dislike the media's criticism of this as a choice.

However I am glad that others have pointed out that the posts about older mothers being better are insulting. Perhaps some people are not ready to be good parents until their late thirties, but DH and I feel totally ready at 29 to be parents, and I know many people who had babies much younger than me and who make mature and dedicated parents. It is a shame if this thread starts to be about older parents vs younger parents.

It's just another misogynist stick to drum women with.

Most of the time, women delay childbearing because of the wealth of immature, selfish wanker excuses for men their own age.

But if they don't, of course, then they are horror! single mums who selfishly denied their offspring a father.

Women can't win.

That's why I tell everyone who comes with such twaddle as 'she waited so she could have a career' just what a misogynist twit they're being, and what other nasty character traits are they hiding, pray tell.

That always shuts them up.

I onced witnessed my Auntie being asked "didn't you want children", she was in her early 70's at the time and would have dearly loved children, it just never happened for her.

People can be so insensitive.

A good way of avoiding it is to stay resolutely single. Then when you do get pregnant you know people are speculating like crazy behind your back but they don't dare ask (well no one I worked with ever did).

I'd be tempted to say something like 'I thought I'd wait until I'd saved enough to help them through university as I think it's so hard on young people nowadays being saddled with enormous debt when they're just starting out, don't you?'

That is incredibly bitchy though so I'd reserve it for extremely rude people

Skidooly - I really would hate it if people thought I had waited and just assumed I could fall back on IVF.

DrSeuss ILOVE that, not sure I would have the courage to use it though

Didn't meet DH till my late twenties, married at 31 and had DS and DD in my mid-to-late thirties. Prior to that I would have been a disaster as a mother.

I have friends who tried for ages before their DS came along and know another couple who didn't meet until they were 40.

Sometimes it's just the way it works out and it's no-one else's business.

Mibby - congratulations.

I agree with expat about men ducking responsibility for this. The man's role seems to have had no scrutiny at all - I've had lots of girlfriends who've been together / living with a man for 4, 5, 6 years - and then when they start to insist it's time for children, the man buggers off and the woman has to start again. Oddly, this escapes scrutiny

people are stupid and insensitive

when i married at 23 i was written off because clearly i was going to have children and leave- i had 3 years of people asking when i was going to have kids. i then had kids at 26 and 29 and was constantly asked what i was doing about my career- didnt i find it boring being a sahm? i went back to work and did a degree. i was criticised for doing this for neglecting the children- how did i manage to do it all.

i had a third much wanted child at 39 and have ever since fended off questions- was it planned- you are mad- what about your career- fancy starting all over again.

i never ever ever ask anyone about babies/kids or anything unless they offer up info or ask for an opinion. there is nothing to say when someone says they are pregnant other than congratulations- you will be great parents.

basically people are utter twunts for having a view on other peoples lives. This i have learned.

oh and utterly agree- normal have a series of jobs- like i did. sorry but career really doesnt hack it for me.

Tiredfeet

Thank you for your comment about this thread not being 'older mum v younger mum' it is not what it is about. It is about being 'judged' for not having children by people who have no idea of a woman's history and reasons.

You made me smile and you hit the nail on the head. Thanks for reading the thread before posting!

I would be interested in hearing more from women who have been unable to have DC's.

I am on Mumsnet because I have had miscarriages, had a divorce, have several nieces, nephews, godchildren and worked as a nanny. I do have advice to give. Some of it even makes sense

I don't see what is wrong with assuming that if you have fertility problems that you will seek appropriate treatment as recommended by your doctor, no matter what age you may be when the problems present themselves.

IVF is a wonderful medical procedure that offers many couples their only chance of being parents. I find the stigma attached to it, where it is acceptable to sneer at women who conceived that way offensive and I will not buy into any hierarchy of infertility.

Starting ttc in your 20s rather than at 39 does not make you more deserving of fertility treatment, it just means you have longer to hopefully sort it out.

I think the only response to give to people talking about career women leaving it late is to nod sagely and say "often a wise decision".

Don't buy into the misogyny!

I don't think there is anything wrong with seeling fertility treatment, after all I did. I just wouldn't want people to assume that I waited years to have children thinking 'I'll just have IVF' because that's not what happened.

yanbu at all. when i lived in leicester no one ever asked me if i even planned kids. when i moved to plymouth at the ripe old age of 27 i got asked constantly why i didn't have kids yet. even blokes i dated said things like 'wow its really rare to meet a single girl of your age who has no kids'

its so judgey!

That said, I totally agree with ageing: why people feel the need to comment on other people's fertility I will never fathom.

If it is your business why people are or aren't having children YOU WILL ALREADY KNOW.

Antidote - God has not sent them

That is brilliant. There is no answer to it. Its a tumbleweed moment, but not rude. Love it.

I have a friend who had her only child at 44 and has always kept her age a secret from the other mums in the playground, which is a shame but I do understand her not wanting to be gossiped about or judged behind her back.

Most of my friends started having families in their late thirties. We were the expat high-flying crowd and enjoyed our lifestyle and career too much, which was of course terribly shallow of us....
However, I'm happy to report that Rollmops is overwhelmed with wedding and christening invitations these days. Bless
Someone very close to me who has always wanted to have children, recently found out that her DH is unfortunately unable. She and all of us, are heartbroken. Didn't help that some ladies of certain age keep asking her:"Dear X, so when are you going to have children...?". She's not keen on explaining for obvious reasons. Makes me so angry every time I hear that. Also feeling almost slightly guilty; she has always wanted children, I was totally indifferent. It seems unfair that I conceived without really trying ...

YANBU. As others have commented, despite the fact that it takes two to have a child, I have never heard a man asked that question.

I'm 35 and have been married for 8 years. We only now TTC our first and it's taking a little while (though I'm not really concerned yet). As for why we haven't had any yet, I honestly don't know. I was a teacher and now run a small business but that's not why we haven't tried before now. Perhaps I felt too immature and selfish? Maybe DH did? Perhaps people think I'm daft for waiting this long - I don't know and I don't really care. It's none of anyone else's business! There're lots of women who have only met someone they want to start a family with in their mid to late 30s and many others, I suspect, like me who haven't felt ready for various reasons.

And sungirltan, that's Plymouth for you !