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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want a male worker to take my daughter to the toilet?

551 replies

DebiDean · 25/05/2010 19:03

Hi there,

My daughter wet herself in the nursery toilets yesterday, when I asked her about it at dinner she mentioned that it was a male worker who took her to the toilet. I spoke to a few friends about it who had different opinions about whether it was right or wrong (opinion was a 50/50 split!) and I decided that as I wasn't comfortable with the idea that I would contact the nursery and explain that I would rather a female worker take her to the toilet.

I was very clear with the nursery that I was supportive of having male role models within the nursery however I felt that to maintain my daughters dignity it would be more appropriate for a female worker to take her to the toilet.

I had a rather rude reply accusing me of being discriminative and that they would refuse to discriminate against him.

I was so shocked as I do support men working with children, but felt there should be limitations within that, or the nursery should at least consider my wishes (especially as it costs me £45 a day!!!).

Whats the opinion? Any ideas of what I could/should do?

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 25/05/2010 19:20

Are there always two people present then Riven or is it just if one party is a male?

Goblinchild · 25/05/2010 19:20

So you have passed on your fears about men to your daughter already?
Do the toilets not have cubicles with doors that can be closed for some privacy?
If you feel like that, she needs to be independent as soon as possible and never have accidents of any sort at school. She must also be taught by you how to dress and undress herself without any assistance.
YABU, and sexist. Does your daughter's father feel the same way about other males?

SaliMali1 · 25/05/2010 19:20

Riven?

littleducks · 25/05/2010 19:21

I wouldnt like it tbh. And not from ant warped paedophile concerns, I agreee that if i seriously thought that a male nursery worker was dodgy I wouldnt let me kids go there at all.

But then i would refuse a male midwife too

angel886 · 25/05/2010 19:21

YABU - everything else has been said.

Disenchanted3 · 25/05/2010 19:21

Its so SAD men are made to feel like this.

We were at the beach a few weeks ago and DH was filming the kids, as he filmed a girl, about 7/8 ran into frame with just her knickers on, you hear DH say 'ermm' and divert the camera away,

he was genuinly worried about filming with this little girl near, even tho he was filming our boys and its perfectly natural for this wee girl to be runninbg around like that

AnyFucker · 25/05/2010 19:21

troll

GerbilMeasles · 25/05/2010 19:23

So, I'll play devil's advocate here, and say OP can probably judge for herself if she's BU.

So, OP, would you think it slightly bizarre if someone had said to you that they only wanted white non-Jewish nursery workers to deal with their child?

Hold on to that feeling, and apply it to your own situation.

And, BTW, if your daughter has issues about not wanting to go to the toilet because the accompanying adult is male, where on earth might she have got those issues from?

pumperspumpkin · 25/05/2010 19:23

YABU - you know what? - DD is in a room at nursery with a male worker and until this post it had never even occurred to me either that he takes her to the toilet or that I shouldn't let him. He's qualified, he's doing a job, and thanks very much for doing it.

Given whatever percentage of child abuse it is takes place in the family, do you let your partner help her if she needs toilet help?

toccatanfudge · 25/05/2010 19:23

"My nieces special needs school operates a strict policy on male/female toilet duties as does the care home where my mother in law works."

wow - they're lucky to have enough male/female staff to be able to do that in the care home. We have 50% men living in the home I worked in..........and 0 male staff

DeFluffy · 25/05/2010 19:24

Op has been back on, post is above.

Riven - I'm with you. And no I didn't mind my dd seeing a male gp when she was much younger (for a problem with her skin on her bottom) but would now ensure it was a female gp if it was for a 'personal' matter.

My Gran has a female carer, my Grandad had a male career, its about dignity.

Do we need to bandy around words such as 'numpties' 'total idiot' etc, or can we no longer have discussion/debate without insults?

MarthaQuest · 25/05/2010 19:24

YANBU

I would just not feel comfortable with a male worker changing or taking dd to the toilet-or ds for that matter.

Just feels instinctively wrong-and yes, I know, that it's prejudicial and discriminatory.

ApocalypseCheese · 25/05/2010 19:24

Oooohhhhfucker. You use the word 'troll' s effectively

toccatanfudge · 25/05/2010 19:25

does your DD's dad never take her to the toilet? (OP)

flootshoot · 25/05/2010 19:25

Couldn't agree more disenchanted.

I even get the odd raised eyebrow when I go out and leave DS with his father. I mean, FFS.

pagwatch · 25/05/2010 19:25

The special needs school scenario is different. Some of the children will need personal care into their teens and beyond. Consistent practice applied there from the start for future years seems sensible to me.

And I think age is pertinent. A girl in her teens should be assisted by a female member of staff.

But tbh I would be really concerned if my under 5 daughter wet herself because she did not want to pee in front of a man. My DD is 7 and would pee at swimming or where ever if one of the teachers was in charge.

Did you type 'stranger' because your DD has been taught that strangers are men and she should be worried. Would it have been a 'stranger' if it was a female helper from a different room?

Lulumaam · 25/05/2010 19:26

I think presumng that a carer of the opposite sex would autimatically demean or reduce the dignity of the person recieving the care is sad.

AnyFucker · 25/05/2010 19:26

< flutters eyelashes right back atcha >

DeFluffy · 25/05/2010 19:26

Littleducks - I would also prefer a female midwife. If that makes me a freak, so be it

flootshoot · 25/05/2010 19:27

I called it first Anyfucker .

ifancyashandy · 25/05/2010 19:27

You would refuse a male midwife?!?!

A male gynocholigist also?

Am so saddened by this attitude.

I couldn't give a monkeys chuff as to the sex of the person looking after me or DD - so long as they were qualified, cared, were committed and responsible.

I once had to get a male nurse to help me pull up my underwear in hospital - with a sanitary towel attached - as I was bed bound. Can't tell you how important it was to him that I kept my dignity. He was a bloody marvel.

YABVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVU.

toccatanfudge · 25/05/2010 19:27

I agree with pag's last post.

(and lulu's)

JaxTellersOldLady · 25/05/2010 19:27

ok, so you came back on and 'stealthed' us with the fact that she is almost 5 years old.

In that case, shouldnt she be able to go to the loo herself? Nobody needs to escort her.

She will be in reception (if in UK) and trust me - teachers do not have the time to escort 30 kids to the toilet when they need to go!

ApocalypseCheese · 25/05/2010 19:28

Threads like these send me scuttling back to the safety of the buddy bench soon as poss :D

toccatanfudge · 25/05/2010 19:29

I had a female MW - but I think one of the consultants that came in half way through DS3's labour was male..............didn't give a shit by that point

now if you'll excuse me,..........my sons nappy has leaked up his back apparently - he's 3.........but he's going to have to put up with the lack of dignity of his mother sorting it and not his father as his father is an arsehole who I ditched 3 months ago