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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want a male worker to take my daughter to the toilet?

551 replies

DebiDean · 25/05/2010 19:03

Hi there,

My daughter wet herself in the nursery toilets yesterday, when I asked her about it at dinner she mentioned that it was a male worker who took her to the toilet. I spoke to a few friends about it who had different opinions about whether it was right or wrong (opinion was a 50/50 split!) and I decided that as I wasn't comfortable with the idea that I would contact the nursery and explain that I would rather a female worker take her to the toilet.

I was very clear with the nursery that I was supportive of having male role models within the nursery however I felt that to maintain my daughters dignity it would be more appropriate for a female worker to take her to the toilet.

I had a rather rude reply accusing me of being discriminative and that they would refuse to discriminate against him.

I was so shocked as I do support men working with children, but felt there should be limitations within that, or the nursery should at least consider my wishes (especially as it costs me £45 a day!!!).

Whats the opinion? Any ideas of what I could/should do?

OP posts:
flootshoot · 25/05/2010 19:59

Well said trafficone. Offensive is exactly the right word.

mumbar · 25/05/2010 19:59

YABU......LOL at men not looking after women/girls for 'dignified' reasons.

I doubt your DD had to pee 'in front' of the male just he was there to ensure she was ok, waited outside etc.

At 4 1/2 my DS was halfway through yr R, when he had an accident the female LSA changed him.

I respect peoples decisions re male dr's midwifes etc.

BUT....

My gyno was male excellent care when pg, gyno in delivery suite was male he did all internals etc, then when told emergency c-sec midwife who did catheter was male and my male gyno did ecs.

Do people really think my dignity was more important than saving my rather distessed unborn DC's life.

Oh and when I had emergency surgery (a**e area ) surgeon was male.

So I say thanks to all the males who have saved my DS and my life, keep doing your jobs.

Can I also ask what a troll is???

Northernlurker · 25/05/2010 19:59

The problem in this situation is not the nursery and their response to you - it's you and your insecurity around this issue which very sadly you've succeeded in passing to your daughter.

You need to ask yourself why you don't trust men - and then you need to get some help with that. Your reaction is not reasonable nor understandable - you need to hear that.

toccatanfudge · 25/05/2010 19:59
ruckyrunt · 25/05/2010 20:00

I don't know why my dd1 had a problem with a male gp with me in the room aswell - I had no idea there would be a problem but to be honest I really am ashamed to be amn's tonight

I have just read the thread further up and seen what some people have put and tbh find it sickening and sad at the terrible attitude

pagwatch · 25/05/2010 20:01

BritFish
given that Gichen things that everyone else on this thread is a paedophile hunting sicko, you might want ....

thumbs up [sarcastic emoticon]

Lulumaam · 25/05/2010 20:01

it's not sick to extrapolate from teh OP that the OP was worried about abuse/peadophilia

Gichin · 25/05/2010 20:02

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Message withdrawn

flootshoot · 25/05/2010 20:02

mumbar a troll is one who starts fake threads designed to cause a riot, often very offensive or contentious subjects.

Or sometimes bloody funny!

Imarriedafrog · 25/05/2010 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

maryz · 25/05/2010 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsMotMot · 25/05/2010 20:07

I cannot for the life of me see how for a small child, a worker of the opposite sex helping them go to the toilet=no dignity.

Dignity is about more than just having someone of the same sex attending you. I can think of far too many examples in my own profession in the nhs of women looking after women where dignity has been shamefully neglected.

Baffled. You asked, so I'll answer: yes you are being unreasonable.

ruckyrunt · 25/05/2010 20:08

a mumsnetter, a person who posts on mumsnet,

some of the posts are narrow minded which is ironic as they think the op is narrow minded and they are being vile and posting utter vile nasty posts

pagwatch · 25/05/2010 20:09

Gichin. Can I refer you to lulumaams post above yours.

There is no logical reason for op to not want male help with her DD at nursery. Ergo people presume she is chanelling 'stranger danger' type paedophile angst

mumbar · 25/05/2010 20:09

ah cheers floot. Yes I can see why you put that (and of course shared the glory with AF .

I would finding peeing 'in front' of anyone undignified unless semi unconcious (medically or alcoholically!!)

Males and females are equal, train for there roles etc and should be treated as such.

As I've posted above if I refused a male gyno or male colorectal surgeon for 'my dignity' likely neither myself or DS would still be on this mortal earth

pigletmania · 25/05/2010 20:10

Gichin what are you talking about. All that that dignity stuff does imply that the male worker could have certain thoughts about children. If it was not about paedophilia than i am sure that the op would be quite comfortable with it.

Gichin · 25/05/2010 20:10

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ZZZenAgain · 25/05/2010 20:11

phew
"Any ideas of what I could/should do? " You'r still not happy with it and I couldn't frankly get on with my day if I was not happy about the care situation in whihc I had left my child, so I would suggest you try and formulate for yourself your concerns about this issue and go and speak in person to the head about this.

If you come out feeling they are not responding to your concerns in a manner that has you at ease with the situation, you need to look into viable alternatives.

You don't have to write it here but write down for yourself what you want to say and your reasons/concerns. I would drop the bit about her dignity which may be what you feel but I don't see that coming across well.

You probably don't have much time in this nursery since she'll be starting school soon presumably so is it worth continuing with it, do you see an alternative, is she well integrated there with nice friendships?

Chew it over, present it calmly and maybe you can find a solution. IF not, maybe you need to move her for your own peace of mind. If you keep her there and the policy is not going to change, how are you going to deal with it (what will you say to dd for instance)? Think youcan sort it out one way or the other

Original poster
DebiDean · 25/05/2010 20:12

Lol something really sad made me come and see whether people were still talking about this... you still are...

Ok we prepare our children with the skills they need in their future (whether that is 1 year, 5 years, 10 years or 50 years). Now, my daughter understands that men are as important in our lives as women. She has 2 loving Uncles, a father, step father, male grand parents and even, yes even, the male workers at her nursery. She respects them in the same way she respects women.

The particular male worker, as I have explained, is NOT from my daughters room at the nursery. The room where my daughter attends has 2 old family friends, a main reason for choosing this nursery. Also when she started she had a settling in period where she and I could both get to know the staff and when new staff are introduced to her room they also have a settling in period with the children so that it doesnt upset any children and an opportunity for parents to meet them before they work with our children. As this worker does not have a bond with my daughter and is effectively a stranger she was weary - I am discusted that you would assume I am teaching her that men are beasts and would abuse her!

Why wouldnt a 4 year old have dignity???

10 years ago my family was touched by abuse, which was from a male, I do not feel this is applicable as my problem is not that she would be at risk of abuse!

Shall we do away with male and female toilets then? Or maybe we should all pee in a communal hole in the ground, like to see how you would deal with that!

Oh and I am 22 weeks pregnant with a boy! I will make sure he can live with dignity also.

OP posts:
ShadeofViolet · 25/05/2010 20:15

YABU.

Interesting first post though!

flowerybeanbag · 25/05/2010 20:16

By DebiDean Tue 25-May-10 20:12:11

"As this worker does not have a bond with my daughter and is effectively a stranger she was weary"

I assume you mean 'wary'. If it's the fact that your daughter didn't know him that was the problem, then the fact that this 'stranger' was a man should be entirely irrelevant, surely?

Lulumaam · 25/05/2010 20:17

had you put that info in your OP you would have had different reactions

would your DD wet herself if an unknown female carer was taking her to the loo though>

i am not sure why the gender impacts on dignity at this age

Gichin · 25/05/2010 20:17

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posieparker · 25/05/2010 20:17

TBH, I would have the same view, not rational or fair but my gut reaction would be that I wouldn't like it.

I'm not sure in a school that a man would do it either.

If I went to my GP's I would be allowed a female to accompany me if I had to undress or be examined by a man.

ZZZenAgain · 25/05/2010 20:17

it is not that a 4 year old wouldn't ahve dignity, any less that is than any other human being, although I find it difficult to grasp exactly what you mean with it but the fact of the matter is dc wet themselves and poo in their pants and dribble and generally get in a mess which means someone has to help clean it up. I suppose for that reason their dignity is always in some way a bit reduced.

If you are really worried about how she perceives the situation and that she will feel her dignity is compromised, or simply she will feel embarrassed, I'm sorry you can only try and talk with them again or look elsewhere for child care arrangements.

If you were concerned about the paedophile risk in view in particular of your own family expereinces, I should think you would meet with a more responsive reaction at the nursery and generally.