In wanting to 'have a word' with this woman?

[Cortina]

Brief background, I travelled to school with a girl who made my life a complete misery for about 5 years or longer. She was, back then a pretty, popular girl who everyone seemed to look up to. She came from a family who appeared comfortably off, stable and very happy which makes what happened even harder for me to understand even now.

For whatever reason she decided to single me out for some pretty poisonous bullying. Every time she saw me she would contort her face into a grimace, come up about a inch away from me, and tell me how ugly I was etc, etc. She rounded up her followers and they would take my bag, my money, some of my clothes that sort of thing. I didn't fit in with her gang and neither did I want to. I am no victim but it was impossible to stand up to 6 or more people and others I think were too scared to intervene.

It affected me badly, even now I suffer sometimes because of it. My self esteem took a bashing as you can imagine. Gradually my good friends, there were a couple who would sit with me, backed away and began to laugh and join in with this girl over time.

Turns out she is going to be at a small party a friend of mine is hosting in a few weeks. Turns out she is a good friend of her! They both worked overseas together. I've told her about what happened to me and she can't believe that this girl could ever do anything like this. I feel angry that she dented my confidence for so many years and was planning to avoid the party. My friend says she'd just forget it all, this other girl has apparently changed.

I've been successful over the years and have done well for myself despite a difficult childhood, I am proud of my achievements. I am now planning to go, and not only that to have a word with her about what she did and the damage she caused to me and probably others. She has daughters about the same age as me when her onslaught started, how would she feel if someone singled them out for similar behaviour?

There are bullies and then there is this girl. The school thought she was wonderful, she was revered by everyone. At least on the surface. I never told anyone about what happened and I assumed I really must be an ugly loser. It took me a long time to realise I wasn't and I'm not but I still bear the scars. Writing this, and looking back, I am honestly puzzled why she seemed to single me out?

So should I really be letting bygones by bygones? I plan to ask her somehow why she thought she had a right to behave as she did in a calm, measured way. Thing is I feel emotional about it all, even now, and am probably not going to be calm and measured am I? Also realise my friend's party isn't the right time or place. I am damned if I am going to be a doormat and do and say nothing? Or is the best revenge living well, which I am now doing?

I feel I need to say something, somehow.

A bit of a WWYD I suppose? Thanks!

I wouldn't have a go at her, but if she approached me would cut her dead. Something like "I remember you, I'd rather you spoke to someone else, we haven't got anything in common". If you have a go at her and she acts not bothered you'll feel worse, but if she approaches you you get the satisfaction of humiliating her while being dignified at the same time

what sort of small party is it ? how many people ? if its only 6 or so it may be difficult. but if theres a few, you may get your chance. you will have to be very calm, and very quick. a few short, poignant sentences to let her know, that you 'know'. maybe 5 succient sentences. say it then walk away to get a canape/another glass of wine !!
that way, she knows, you know, but no scene made at your friends party.
i did this once. i practiced what i wanted to say. then cut it down. and said it. and felt better. mine wasn't bullying, but it was something i felt strongly about.

If you bring this up with her at your friends party, she will know that it has affected your life and that is giving her the power even after all this time. I would be going for a dignified approach - be icily polite, not friendly at all and maintain distance. If she questions you, then you can say that you remember her from school and leave it at that. She will be curious enough to have asked your mutual friend about you, so will know that your life has turned out well. Hope this helps and good luck. I know this party will not be much fun. Remember, she is just an ordinary person,and probably does not have a perfect life no matter what impression she likes to give

What Junglist said.

I wouldn't say anything. She will either deny it, or tell you that you are being too thin-skinned and pathetic. Bullies never really change.

I would pretend not to remember her at all. Go to the party, mix with your friends and do it for YOU, not HER. I would have a word with your friend - that you are not making it into an issue, but that you do feel a bit a bit wary about this.

Yup, i totally understand with what your saying OP... I too agree that your friends party is not the situation to say anything - that's just not fair on your friend.
Furthermore - i would have a burning desire to tell her what i thought of her too and what impact she had on my life but in someways i am not sure whether this would be helpful to myself if i was in your situation. Have you thought about how you would feel after running through a scenario in your head?

I don't even know whether i would be brave enough to go to the party - so good on you! And if i did - i would probably adopt something along the lines of what junglist1 said.

I would think you must have been a pretty child and she felt threatened by it.

I don't what I'd do in your circs - probably not go to the party - but I've been approached by people who made my life miserable at school. It's given me much satisfaction to look them up and down and then turn away without saying anything.

wahwah, do you think talking to the friend is a good idea ?
maybe OP is a bit shocked and saddened that her friend can't see this woman for what she is. You think to yourself, how can you like her, when you have such good taste in liking me.
friend worked with her abroad and was also shocked when op told her what this woman was like.
doesn't sound good, does it ?

"Oh hi! I haven't seen you for so long! I see you have daughters now. It can be a difficult age, can't it? I remember myself at that age, a girl at school started bullying me... It went on for years, and it's had a long lasing effect on my confidence, if I'm honest. But at least I'm able to say now that I have [list your fabbo achievements here]. And this bully, well, to be honest, I'm told by many people that she's still a right old cow..."

Thanks. I like the idea of a dignified, pithy, put down, that sums up everything I want to say without making me look like I am still affected/weak/vulnerable. I think there will be about 20 there, it's a BBQ type do, outside. Something like looking her slowly up and down and then saying something like 'funny how the tables turn' or similar?? Any ideas anyone?

I agree with Junglist1. People like that are often still as arogant as adults as they were as children and she may not even remember her behaviour as being out of order at all. If she does remember, she's highly likely to play it down completely which will make you feel rotten.

Good on you for going though. Don't give her the benefit of knowing how she affected you. I would blank her completely.

I would definitely find a way to say something. For all the reasons you have put forward in your op, I agree wholeheartedly that she should know you haven't forgotten. This doesn't mean that you are in any way a victim, it just means you are now a confident adult who is brave enough to comment on someone's appalling behaviour in the past. Rehearse what you need to say. Make it very short, with the emphasis on getting her to remember her behaviour, not the effect it had on you (no mention of how hurt you were). Look her in the eye. Be brave. Good luck.

That line from that film (!) - 'I never let the little things in life bother me' or somesuch.

Oh how difficult for you. I really don't know what you should do - part of me wants to say practice some really good poisonous put downs and then whisper them in her ear - or do what others have said and completely ignore her. Letting her know how much she hurt you might be giving her power. Maybe just say something along the lines that you hope her daughters are pleasanter people than she was.

There was a boy who used to stab me in the arm with a pencil every day. I would have been 10- 11
They held me down one day, and he spat in my ear, a thick green snotter that took me half an hour to clean out. The bastard.

But when I met him years later, he had forgotten, totally forgotten. And he was mystified by my comment, then mortified.
If he had remembered and had revelled in it, my put-downs would have been brilliant, in the event, it was slightly embarrasing.

What do you hope to gain by having a word? An apology? A explanation?
Personally, I would say something to her. And I would want an apology, but I do doubt if you'll get an explanation. She may not even remember. I am assuming she has changed into a nicer person as an adult!

BessieBoots that made me smile and LOL!

I agree that leopards rarely change their spots

What junglist1 said. Very dignified and forthright. An great response.

I wouldn't say anything. I would be polite but distanced, and if she says anything I would pretend not to remember her very well- "Oh sorry, I didn't recognise you at first, school seems so long ago now" and then just move on to speak to someone else.

What I would NOT do is anything that lets her know she has affected your life and your self-esteem. Don't give her the satisfaction or puff up her sense of importance in any way.

I would simply say that she made times in your childhood hell.

Whatever you do - don't get drunk, either for dutch courage or through nerves. You may say something to her and you'll not be as articulate as you usually are. You'll feel dreadful afterwards.