In wanting to 'have a word' with this woman?

[Cortina]

Brief background, I travelled to school with a girl who made my life a complete misery for about 5 years or longer. She was, back then a pretty, popular girl who everyone seemed to look up to. She came from a family who appeared comfortably off, stable and very happy which makes what happened even harder for me to understand even now.

For whatever reason she decided to single me out for some pretty poisonous bullying. Every time she saw me she would contort her face into a grimace, come up about a inch away from me, and tell me how ugly I was etc, etc. She rounded up her followers and they would take my bag, my money, some of my clothes that sort of thing. I didn't fit in with her gang and neither did I want to. I am no victim but it was impossible to stand up to 6 or more people and others I think were too scared to intervene.

It affected me badly, even now I suffer sometimes because of it. My self esteem took a bashing as you can imagine. Gradually my good friends, there were a couple who would sit with me, backed away and began to laugh and join in with this girl over time.

Turns out she is going to be at a small party a friend of mine is hosting in a few weeks. Turns out she is a good friend of her! They both worked overseas together. I've told her about what happened to me and she can't believe that this girl could ever do anything like this. I feel angry that she dented my confidence for so many years and was planning to avoid the party. My friend says she'd just forget it all, this other girl has apparently changed.

I've been successful over the years and have done well for myself despite a difficult childhood, I am proud of my achievements. I am now planning to go, and not only that to have a word with her about what she did and the damage she caused to me and probably others. She has daughters about the same age as me when her onslaught started, how would she feel if someone singled them out for similar behaviour?

There are bullies and then there is this girl. The school thought she was wonderful, she was revered by everyone. At least on the surface. I never told anyone about what happened and I assumed I really must be an ugly loser. It took me a long time to realise I wasn't and I'm not but I still bear the scars. Writing this, and looking back, I am honestly puzzled why she seemed to single me out?

So should I really be letting bygones by bygones? I plan to ask her somehow why she thought she had a right to behave as she did in a calm, measured way. Thing is I feel emotional about it all, even now, and am probably not going to be calm and measured am I? Also realise my friend's party isn't the right time or place. I am damned if I am going to be a doormat and do and say nothing? Or is the best revenge living well, which I am now doing?

I feel I need to say something, somehow.

A bit of a WWYD I suppose? Thanks!

BuzzingNoise - I'd like her to know that what she did was damaging and unacceptable. She got away with this sort of thing for years.

I love the idea of floating politely about in glam clothes, I think my plan would be to go and then leave early, making an excuse and making a dignified exit. Or something like that. I could talk up my life etc - I could have real fun here 'when you have 3 holiday homes to juggle it can get a bit tiring'...'staff are such a problem these days but my housekeeper does her best'... but then I think I run the risk of not coming across well/in the way I'd like to!

I think that confronting her about the pain she caused you is under the assumpton that she has changed and will be bothered. Wouldn't it be so much worse if she laughed at you or told people at the party that you were moaning about something that happened years ago? Your feelings are valid but I do not think you will get any comfort from telling her how you feel.

I think icy composure and an unfriendly (not nasty) expression and refusal to interact with her while having a fab time with your mates is the way forward here.

Cortina, i'm so sorry that this girl was so horrid to you. I was bullied at school too and its a miserable place to be. Like others have said tho she may well not remember (i am assuming it was a good few years ago now?) Also if she is still a nasty piece of work and you do say something then it will just prob amuse her / appeal to her sense of power. She was prob completely ignored at home or some other such thing so wanted to be constantly seeking attention and feeling powerful ifkwim. If I were you I would go to the party looking your very best and keep a very calm and happy persona (i would also be shaking like a leaf inside most likely!). As others have suggested be coolly polite your successfulness since school will be apparent! Also i dont think that I could say anything and keep my calm and wonder if you might find that hard too as obv still painful memories. Best not to say anything at all imo. The best revenge will be to go, looking fabulous and have a great night! ! PS talking from painful experience here, if you like a drink .. don't drink too much it can affect a planned calm demeanour!!

You are not the child you once were and have made a success of your life despite what happened at school.

She is not the child she was and may have become a lovely person despite what happened at school.

You don't want to be defined by having been bullied.

She probably wouldn't want to be defined by having been a bully.

If I were you I'd allow my friend to introduce me, maintain a cool exterior, pretend you barely remember her and you never know you might become friends.

Be the bigger person and give her the benefit of the doubt. If she brings up the bullying - tell her it made you the strong woman you are now and that you just figured she had self-esteem issues and felt sorry for her. And that you hope she has dealt with those issues now... V V passive aggressive but means you retain your dignity.

I would love the chance to look my bullies in the eye and see them for who they are now. At the moment, they are stuck in my mind as the teenage bullies that they were, and I think that that means that I am stuck there with them, to a certain extent - still the bullied, powerless girl whose self esteem, like the OP's, was destroyed then and has still not recovered some 30 years on. I think it might help to see them as the adults they are now - perhaps then I could disconnect from the past too - at least from the hurtful parts.

I am having weekly psychotherapy to help me get past the issues of my past, but I would still like to get some closure directly with the two boys I blame most for what happened to me. I have found them and contacted them via friends reunited, but neither of them has replied to me - maybe they don't get their messages from there any more, or maybe they are utterly unashamed or maybe they are too ashamed. I have heard of adults who were bullies as children deeply regretting what they did.

OP - you know this woman is going to be there so you can put on your loveliest outfit and most confident air, and be in control of the situation. Think up some lines to use if she speaks to you - polite put-downs or ways to move away from her and break off the converstation on your terms - eg: "Do excuse me, X - there's someone over there I want to talk to." Meeting her again and being in control of the situation might be great therapy for you.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you well - I know the pain you are feeling, because I feel it too. I hope you can have the ultimate revenge over the bully - living well and being happy - and never thinking of her again.

{{{Hugs}}}

"Funny, I remember you as cruel, sad and pathetic, it's lovely to hear you've changed!
Can't have been easy, anyway...."

agree with shimmery. when i was very badly hurt, the confronting , never gets you the sense of relief you'd hoped for. i think many many people can relate to that.
please don't talk up your life, that sounds terrible. just be yourself.

I'd be inclined to agree with those who say DON'T let her know she ever got under your skin. If she's a decent person now, she'll be mortified at just being your presence - if not, you won't get the reaction from her that you would like.

I would go with junglist's suggestion, looking a bit nonchalant about it all.

Living well is the best revenge.

So true. Hold your head high.

Agree with mrsbean. Good luck.

Say in front of everyone loudly and cheerfully 'I remember YOU! You used to call me ugly at school! Do you remember?'

living well now is certainly a good revenge, mind you you, I did gob in his beer

Bullies are insecure. She was probably jealous of you.

If there's any refererence made to the past, give her an icy stare and ask her if she's recovered from her issues yet.

Don't make a scene. Remain dignified at all costs.

for you.

what an awful situation.

i would be inclined to say 'oh gosh, it's you!! you bullied me terribly for 5 or so years! who are you bullying now?' take a sip of your pimms and look at her over the rim.

take a valium first maybe. have lots of support, people on your side.

she might not pitch up if she knows you're going to be there.

alternatively, go but avoid her.

I went to a school reunion about 15 years after leaving. I had been bullied by several girls -and one in particular.I had several years of therapy to help with that and other issues.The woman who was organising the reunion said that she wouldnt be surprised if I didnt turn up given what a bad time I had had at school.This was the first time that anyone who had been there had acknowledged what a hard time I had had! It was hugely empowering.

I went and in fact the bully seemed rather quiet and unsure of herself. She was not the ogre I had in my memory. I was polite but distant with her. I enjoyed seeing other people there and felt confident in myself and my life choices. I didnt stay very long but my encounter really helped me to have closure on that part of my life.

Good luck, limit contact, and stay strong.

Obmolov - she has already mentioned this to her friend. I would speak to her to let her know that on no account should she be wheeled over with 'Hi... do you remember X from school. Oh, she used to tease you...'. She can also keep a wee eye out in case OP gets cornered with 'dear old friend'.

I havent read all the replies. However I was bullied at school by a core of 4 boys whom at times would get others to join in. 6 years ago I went to a school reunion party and 1 by 1 these boys (now men) came up to me and appologised for their behaviour towards me. 1 of them told me he had a daughter whom was now being bullied and he often thought of how he had been towards me and was ashamed of himself, the other 3 all spoke of now they had children of their own they would never wish for them to go through what they had done.

I dont think if you are bullied it ever leaves you, you learn to live with that part of you but it never leaves. But I have moved on and I am whom I am and many whom meet me sees me as a strong confident person.

personally I would go to the party, I wouldnt seek her out I wouldnt attempt to be friendly, if she approaches you or involves you in the conversation be polite but ensure your not wishing to have anything further to do with her. Chances are she will be too ashamed anyway and will be avoiding you.

There is also the chance she will appologise

Looking at it from the other side, it's horrible to be bullied, but it's a longlasting foul taste in the mouth for the person who knows they were in the wrong, and your friend may well be right that she's a very different person as an adult.

I found a note on Friends Reunited from MY school bully that said 'Hi. It's [XXX]. If anyone remembers me, it's probably for the wrong reasons. God I was awful. Sorry. Really sorry.'

I agree with warthog apart from the valium - stay sober and in control until you have spoken to her - then treat yourself to a drink (but don't talk to her again).

I think she will be mortified if you mention what happened. If she's changed, she'll have an idea of what you went through and feel terrible. If she's still nasty, she will be mortified out of embarassment. However much she manipulates and bullies now in her adult life, it will be discreetly done, especially if she was the sort of child who all the adults thought was perfect but only let the real nastiness come out to other kids. So to be called a bully in public will really embarrass her.

Have a second sentence ready for if she looks blank and pretends to have forgotten "Remember, you and all your mates used to take my things on the bus? You used to pull a face and say that was my ugly face? You've forgotten? How strange..." then float glamourously away.

Don't get stuck in any long running arguments about "yes you did" "I can't remember" "you put me through hell" "we were just having a laugh" etc. Say your piece and then ignore.

Best of luck with it. Retain dignity at all times. Let us know how it goes afterwards (embarrassed stranger hug)

She may well have changed and there's every chance that she doesn't remember it clearly. Time and again I have heard of people encountering their school bullies and finding that the bully seemingly genuinely had no memory of the events whatsoever. I'm not sure that doesn't make it worse, the fact that the soul-searing hell that you were put through on a daily basis was so trivial to them that it hasn't even made it into their long-term memory.

Also I don't think your mutual friend's party is the right place for the conversation you want to have. But I'm not sure what I would say in your place if the bully approached you there.

I completely know that feeling of wanting them to know that you haven't forgotten and wanting everyone else to know that they are were scum.

BUT I agree with those posters who have said that any attempt to bring it up with her could backfire badly. Chances are she won't remember or will pretend she doesn't remember.

On the whole therefore I would adopt the following approach:

• say nothing to her directly unless approached
• if her name comes up in conversation with others, mention lightly that "gosh, yes, we were at school together, she used to bully me quite viciously in fact now I think about it, but I'm sure she won't remember". But don't deliberately bring it up. That way you can make your point to others without seeming too het up about it.
• if she does speak to you, follow junglists approach. Unless she apologies

Cortina, I feel for you, as have been in a similar situation.

I am slightly worried by your current plan. It seems to me that you are making it all about her, rather than about yourself. Sometimes when we get bullied like that, it results in the paradoxical feeling that we want to/try to actually please the bully. Why do you want to look great (not that you shouldn't!) and talk up your achievements? Why do you feel you need to impress her? Is your confidence still so low that you can only feel good about yourself if SHE acknowledges that you have done well?

I fear it might just turn out that you go there, fan about looking glam, but constantly worry about what impression you are making on HER, how SHE is reacting.

Instead, this party might be an opportunity for you to fundamentally realise that it really, truly doesn't matter anymore what she thinks of you. You could prove to yourself that you can now deal with bullying (if she starts out again). Or you could prove to yourself that you have left the past behind by being polite (and perhaps even friendly) to this woman.

When we had a class reunion, the guys who had bullied me, completely ignored me. They barely acknowledged my presence. Just maybe they were embarrassed, but I doubt it. In truth, it made me feel as if I had once again failed to gain acceptance, was still not worthy of being treated like a human being. It was only by holding on to the thought that I didn't need their acceptance, that I made it through the evening (and the following days).

Good luck! Such situations can be tremendously stressful.

Hmm, I think this could easily blow up in your face.

1. If you say nothing: at best she will probably act like nothing ever happened. Don't be surprised if she acts really two faced and tries to be pally pally with you. At worst you may feel like she's observing/judging or even bitching about you. Any chance your friend will have mentioned what you said about the bullying to her? She may have a defence planned. And she'll probably still be just as attractive, successful and outwardly lovely as ever (I can see my old bully's on facebook, they're all like that, honeymooning in Thailand, houses paid for by daddy etc)

2. If you confront her: at best she will be mortified and apologise to you, but don't count on it. Once a bitch always a bitch imo, even if it's well hidden under a veneer of sweetness and light. It's more likely that she'll put you down, tell you you're obsessed and you should get a life etc (none of which I think by the way, you sound justified to me)

Just be aware that this approach gives her the opportunity to hurt you again. Unless you're now a very strong confident person, this could have further repercussions on your self esteem, especially if you're imagined this situation arising for years, and what you would say etc

I also think that as you have a friend in common, she can also hurt you by getting the friend onside, especially if you confront the bully and are made to look a fool.

I think if you do go I would take PosieParker's advice, just look her in the eye and tell her that she made part of your childhood hell. But you aren't wussing out if you don't go, sometimes it's better if you just avoid situations which can lead to stress you don't need. Protect yourself.

Be brilliant, be happy, be dignified. Don't say anything about it. If she speaks to you, smile and be pleasant.

Show her you've done well inspite of her.

I suspect that she won't even remember it. It looms large in your life, she's probably hidden the memories away or just forgotten.