In wanting to 'have a word' with this woman?

[Cortina]

Brief background, I travelled to school with a girl who made my life a complete misery for about 5 years or longer. She was, back then a pretty, popular girl who everyone seemed to look up to. She came from a family who appeared comfortably off, stable and very happy which makes what happened even harder for me to understand even now.

For whatever reason she decided to single me out for some pretty poisonous bullying. Every time she saw me she would contort her face into a grimace, come up about a inch away from me, and tell me how ugly I was etc, etc. She rounded up her followers and they would take my bag, my money, some of my clothes that sort of thing. I didn't fit in with her gang and neither did I want to. I am no victim but it was impossible to stand up to 6 or more people and others I think were too scared to intervene.

It affected me badly, even now I suffer sometimes because of it. My self esteem took a bashing as you can imagine. Gradually my good friends, there were a couple who would sit with me, backed away and began to laugh and join in with this girl over time.

Turns out she is going to be at a small party a friend of mine is hosting in a few weeks. Turns out she is a good friend of her! They both worked overseas together. I've told her about what happened to me and she can't believe that this girl could ever do anything like this. I feel angry that she dented my confidence for so many years and was planning to avoid the party. My friend says she'd just forget it all, this other girl has apparently changed.

I've been successful over the years and have done well for myself despite a difficult childhood, I am proud of my achievements. I am now planning to go, and not only that to have a word with her about what she did and the damage she caused to me and probably others. She has daughters about the same age as me when her onslaught started, how would she feel if someone singled them out for similar behaviour?

There are bullies and then there is this girl. The school thought she was wonderful, she was revered by everyone. At least on the surface. I never told anyone about what happened and I assumed I really must be an ugly loser. It took me a long time to realise I wasn't and I'm not but I still bear the scars. Writing this, and looking back, I am honestly puzzled why she seemed to single me out?

So should I really be letting bygones by bygones? I plan to ask her somehow why she thought she had a right to behave as she did in a calm, measured way. Thing is I feel emotional about it all, even now, and am probably not going to be calm and measured am I? Also realise my friend's party isn't the right time or place. I am damned if I am going to be a doormat and do and say nothing? Or is the best revenge living well, which I am now doing?

I feel I need to say something, somehow.

A bit of a WWYD I suppose? Thanks!

Actually I really like what Mandi1984 suggested:

Say in front of everyone loudly and cheerfully 'I remember YOU! You used to call me ugly at school! Do you remember?'

and then just stand looking really amused sipping your drink. If she denies it just laugh and walk away, if she apologises, accept nonchalently and move on. Either way she'll be embarassed!

Will her children be at the party? If so I think it would be better to keep any exchange with her very low key - it's not their fault she was a horrid child and it would be awful to hear your mum had behaved like that.

I'm so sorry you were treated like this - how sad

I think if I were you (and I can think of one person that comes vaguely close-ish) I would breeze into the party (looking bloody fabulous ) and if you come face to face with her be very nice and just say "Oh I DO remember you" and leave it at that!

She will know why you remember her.

I was also bullied at school and a few years ago had to go somewhere I knew one of the bullies would be. I had all these plans to be fabulous, cutting, confrontational etc. What actually happened was that I'd built it all up so much in my mind that when she walked in, I just got completely overwhelmed. Luckily I managed to get out of the room before bursting into tears. All the feelings just came back again. It took 20 mins of me sobbing and hyperventilating before I could regain any composure.

If I could do it again, I would try to forget she was even there, have fun with my friends and if she came over to talk to me I'd probably just say the same as McDreamy said - 'Oh yes, I do remember you' and walk off.

I agree with Mandi1984 - I was bullied by a particular girl at school for a couple of years before she left. Not that long ago I was quite dismayed when I realised that her child was at my ds's nursery. There was a mums night out recently and she and one of the other girls were talking about an upcoming school reunion - the other girl - who remembered me, asked if I was going, and the bully said "you didn't go to our school. did you?" I replied "yes, don't you remember? you bullied me horribly for the two years you were there". Everyone at the table heard and she was absolutely mortified. She came and apologised profusely afterwards, and we can now chat quite pleasantly when we're waiting to collect the children. I'd never say we were friends though!

I wouldnt bother saying a thing to her. I'd be cool with her - polite but distant - and hold your head up high.

I agree with the others re the dignified persona. Have a few lines ready just incase, but be cool and calm. Dont get all het up with her. She isnt worth it.

Make sure on the day you feel and look fantastic and ooze confidence. Sounds to me like she was very very jealous of you!

I also would like to know the outcome after the BBQ.

I think the key here is dignity, you need to let her know with as few words as possible. Stay calm, confident and composed and let the horrible cow wallow in her guilt and shame.

I also like mandi1984's idea.

some good advice on here

I feel your pain. But I agree that maybe she was jealous, that's why she bullied you?

I would ice her, polite, formal and a bit distant, and look fabulous

OR make a joke if it, "ha ha you were vile to me at school. rememeber?"

then come tell us know you got on

pssst...spike her drink!

I'm not really sure what I would do, tbh. But is it not possible that your mutual friend might already have mentioned something to this woman re her history with you, even to prewarn her that you might be upset on meeting her? In that case, she will have been reminded of her bullying of you, and may even approach you with an apology.

If she does, you need to think about whether or not you want to accept it. If she doesn't, I would tend to ignore her, bar the odd pointed stare.

You have the upper hand here- you have knowledge of her past behaviour that puts her in a very bad light, and she knows this, so you have nothing to worry about wrt this encounter, whereas she has the possibility of being exposed- if your friend has talked to her, I would imagine she will be even more nervous than you!! Good luck- let us know how it goes

Go to the party and shine. If at all possible, spit in her drink.

I was very badly beaten up on the way home from school once, by kids from a rival school that were friends of a friend so I knew them by name but not very well. Years later I saw the ringleader on the bus and all that anger came back. But I looked at her and she looked at me and I could tell she knew exactly who I was and, more to the point, she had the grace to look ashamed. I didn't say anything, I didn't need to.

I also was bullied a bit (not any way as badly as the op) and that person found me on Friendsreunited. She sent me a long email apologising for having been such a cow and how she was totally ashamed of herself. She's now a FB friend and a really nice woman.

I think decide in advance what exactly it is you want from this meeting and then the cool, detached approach is best. Does she know you though this friend? She might be planning her apology response already if so.

I was bullied - and I have to say, I wouldn't go.

In my case, I've not seen the main offender again but did end up in the same pub as some of her hangers-on when I was about 23.

It was astonishing, as though we were still 16. Still making comments on my small boobs and putting me down. The difference was I could see how sad they were and was just watching it all astonished and pretty much unaffected.

But of course, they're not the ones who had the power to scare me... if the main offender had picked up from where she left off, I would have found it very hard indeed.

If she is a nice person now she will be embarrassed and probably pretend not to remember if she is still nasty she will pretend not to remember to be nasty!

From what you have described unless she has serious memory loss problems she will definitely remember you. So the best thing you can do is not acknowledge her unless she comes to speak to you, with twenty people there that should be OK.

Don't go over the top with the how great my life is now talk, make sure you look and feel fab and if you are happy and confident this will be enough. If she does come to speak to you just say something simple and two the point, what junglist said is a good idea.

I'm so sorry you were bullied and are now having to revisit unhappy memories - I've been in a similar situation in the past, and it's horrible when things come back to haunt you now that you are happy and doing well.

Dignity, confidence, ice cool demeanour, looking fab etc are all excellent ideas. But also, this is your friend's party, so personally I would avoid any possible confrontation as this might make the evening uncomfortable for your friend (who hasn't really done anything wrong) - it's her evening, not yours.

Congratulations for being fantastic, happy, successful and for moving on with your life. You sound like a lovely person, I don't think you need to sink down to the bully's level. So I would agree with camdancer and McDreamy - have a nice time, ignore and avoid them as best you can and if they do try to talk to you, politely excuse yourself with a knowing look in your eye. Don't give them any more of your time cos they're so not worth it!

So sorry for what you endured as a girl.

Have you thought about how you will react if she reacts with anger, or even ridicule?

You must say something but you must keep it extremely short and succint.

'You were extremely cruel to me at school, please get away from me'. Say it very quietly. Look her in the eye and say it with contempt not sadness. Then turn on your heel.

If you don't keep it short and calm, it will be you that people will think is badly behaved/neurotic/a drama queen/unstable, not her.

I also agree it is very likely she will not remember. So be prepared for a very disappointing response.Have you thought about how you will react if she reacts with anger, or even ridicule?

I wouldn't go

if all you will be thnking about is you and her and what you should say etc etc then you won't be going for the party your friend is having

I'm another one who was bullied at school and have since come face to face with several of the bullies.

I'm slightly different in that they were unplanned meetings so I didn't have time to tie myself up in knots about it but each meeting has been a huge anticlimax. I'm not sure they remembered how awful they'd been (or pretended not to anyway) we had 5 mins of polite small talk and moved on.

If I were you I'd only go if you have lots of your own, supportive friends around you. Don't do a big confrontation/put down/big your life up, don't look like you've been brooding on this all these years, it will give her too much power.

Just be polite but distant. Oenopod has some great advice.

Living well really is the best revenge.

oops repeated myself before like a loon.

btw a close friend had a sort of similar situation. Her dh had been having an affair with a mum at school! All very messy and devastating. She had not seen this woman for weeks after she found out and was nervous about seeing her at the school fete. On the day she strode up to her. The woman looked terrified and had her mother and sister flanking her. My friend knew the woman's husband was filing for divorce but the woman didn't! So she said:
'I hope your mother is proud of you for breaking up two familes - mine, and your own. Did you know XX is divorcing you? Oh gosh sorry you didn't did you?' Walked away.

Very empathetic, thesecondcoming.

I agree with the quiet dignity approach.

As a child I was absolutely terrified of an older boy who used to throw massive rocks at me, and tried to push me off my bike.

I still recall the sheer terror I felt whenever I saw him.

Fast forward ten years later, and he tried to pick me up in a night club. He had no idea that we had met before.

I took absolute delight in saying 'you must be joking'.

I then told my friends and his friends how hideous he had been to me.
He apologised and I walked away.

It was great.

I hope whatever happens, you can get some closure.

I would be inclined to say something short and to the point if you get chance - something like:
'I don't know if you realise how much your actions at school affected me, but you really hurt me.'

If she apologises then great, but I think you need to say something that allows you to say your piece, and get some peace with it.

Nothing she can say or do can take away what happened, but hopefully by getting it out, you will feel that you have some closure - and say what you couldn't say back then.

I´d want to go up& say "oh hello-are you still a bullying bitch?"-and leave.

But I doubt the hostess would speak to you again!

TheSecondComing - OP is obviously nervous about meeting her.

We're just trying to show support.