In wanting to 'have a word' with this woman?

[Cortina]

Brief background, I travelled to school with a girl who made my life a complete misery for about 5 years or longer. She was, back then a pretty, popular girl who everyone seemed to look up to. She came from a family who appeared comfortably off, stable and very happy which makes what happened even harder for me to understand even now.

For whatever reason she decided to single me out for some pretty poisonous bullying. Every time she saw me she would contort her face into a grimace, come up about a inch away from me, and tell me how ugly I was etc, etc. She rounded up her followers and they would take my bag, my money, some of my clothes that sort of thing. I didn't fit in with her gang and neither did I want to. I am no victim but it was impossible to stand up to 6 or more people and others I think were too scared to intervene.

It affected me badly, even now I suffer sometimes because of it. My self esteem took a bashing as you can imagine. Gradually my good friends, there were a couple who would sit with me, backed away and began to laugh and join in with this girl over time.

Turns out she is going to be at a small party a friend of mine is hosting in a few weeks. Turns out she is a good friend of her! They both worked overseas together. I've told her about what happened to me and she can't believe that this girl could ever do anything like this. I feel angry that she dented my confidence for so many years and was planning to avoid the party. My friend says she'd just forget it all, this other girl has apparently changed.

I've been successful over the years and have done well for myself despite a difficult childhood, I am proud of my achievements. I am now planning to go, and not only that to have a word with her about what she did and the damage she caused to me and probably others. She has daughters about the same age as me when her onslaught started, how would she feel if someone singled them out for similar behaviour?

There are bullies and then there is this girl. The school thought she was wonderful, she was revered by everyone. At least on the surface. I never told anyone about what happened and I assumed I really must be an ugly loser. It took me a long time to realise I wasn't and I'm not but I still bear the scars. Writing this, and looking back, I am honestly puzzled why she seemed to single me out?

So should I really be letting bygones by bygones? I plan to ask her somehow why she thought she had a right to behave as she did in a calm, measured way. Thing is I feel emotional about it all, even now, and am probably not going to be calm and measured am I? Also realise my friend's party isn't the right time or place. I am damned if I am going to be a doormat and do and say nothing? Or is the best revenge living well, which I am now doing?

I feel I need to say something, somehow.

A bit of a WWYD I suppose? Thanks!

if she comes over to speak to you, just you two, i would say something like "do you remember bullying me at school?". In front of other people i would be the more dignified person, but id want to get her alone just for that small victory and look of shame on her face.

fellow victim of intense bullying by the 'perfect' kids at school here. id love the opportunity!

It's so so sad to see how many people have been affected by bullying at school. I was one of the many, but had a double dose as I also had the evil stepmother from hell at home. Saw her at a wedding when DD was 1, 1st time since I was 12. I thought I would want to confront her- privately- and was ready to do so.
My eventual satisfaction came from the fact that she was clearly terrified that might happen, and spent the entire afternoon looking haunted and avoiding me & my sis. Eventually her youngest dd approached me to say that we had both turned out to be lovely young women. I just smiled.
I've had years of counselling to get over crap that she was part of, but I would never let her know how much grief she caused, in case she derived any pleasure from it.
I believe in karma, and her time will come. OP, so will your bully's, and you do not need to say anything to her for that to happen.
Hold your head up and enjoy your evening.

I haven't read the whole thread but some of what I've read I personally disagree with. I don't think she'll get "satisfaction" out of knowing how her behaviour as a youngster has affected you. I think that she will probably feel extreme embarrassment and a certain amount of remorse. You will open up a can of worms she has probably buried deep, to enable her to believe she's a nice person.

I was bullied at school but also bullied by my older sis (I think I had "bully me" tattooed on my head, but only bully types could see it). Me and older sis get on great now, have done for years. But, she can be a pain in the arse and quite "challenging" still, but I only have to remind her about certain events from our youth for her to be in bits - she hates the way she treated me, doesn't understand why she did it and almost can't cope with being reminded of it.

I have to say with regard to my school bully, I would happily see her and if given a moment of privacy, would most definitely ask her WHY she had treated me that way.

My advice is to go to your party to enjoy it properly, don't spend the night seeking remorse or revenge. But, if the opportunity arises, definitely remind her of how awful she was to you and get her to reflect upon why she did it. So what if she really is still a nasty piece of work and revels in knowing you suffered, fuck it no skin off your nose. But chances are she will suffer a night of remorse and guilt, and you never know it might make a better person of her.

Good luck OP

I am also firmly in the 'don't go' camp.

It would be nice in theory to take the 'swanning about looking glam/talking up your achievements' approach, but honestly, what works in Hollywood rarely works in real life and I think the reality is that you risk getting hurt again.

She will most likely pretend nothing happened or downplay it. What probably won't happen is that you tell her how you feel, she has a 'Road to Damascus' moment and gives you a fulsome apology and you come away feeling that your childhood issues have been resolved.

I sense that part of what is hard for you is the fact that your friend is not being terribly understanding - is she a good friend? If so, I'm not sure she would be trying to encourage you into this situation. It feels to me like she is getting something out of this.

FWIW, I also have someone toxic from my past who pretty much mangled my self esteem - he also shares mutual friends and is regarded as a 'great guy'. I waited years for a mythical acknowledgement/apology to appear before realising that all you can (and should) do is move forward, be true to yourself, and leave them firmly in the past where they belong.

Go along - look fab and ignore her. If she approaches you pretend you can't even remember her - she was that insignificant - bet that'll really piss her her off!

you could always do faux pity.

'oh hi! how aaaaare you? good? oh that's LOVELY...to be honest i always assumed you must have had a really horrible upbringing because you always seemed very insecure and unhappy with yourself. i felt so sorry for you.'

I would turn up and totally blank her. Show her without words how successful and nice you are. Don't make anything awkward for the person who's party it is or the other guests - if you feel you might, then don't go.

If she approaches you look her straight in the I and say 'I have nothing to say to you' and turn away.

The best revenge is a life well lived!

If you go, I think you're best to leave well alone unless introduced. It would be almost impossible to 'have a word' without massive discomfort for either you or her -not a great situation for anyone else there to be witness to, and I'm sure you don't want to mess up your friends party.

If you try to deliver a devastating put down, chances are nerves will get the better of you - you'll look silly. If you don't, to anyone who doesn't know the precise details, you'll look like a meanie, instead of her.

If you are introduced, I think the 'yes, I remember' + meaningful eye contact approach is best. And please don't try to impress by bragging - you sound lovely, so it would just come accross as false and/or like you're trying to get her approval - which you DO NOT NEED!

Just be yourself, have a lovely time. Being obviously happy and comfortable in your own skin is the best possible salve to your teenage self, which is all you can really control.

If she's still a cow, this will make her see she no longer has any power. If she isn't, it will hopefully make her feel sufficiently comfortable to make the apology that she knows is due.

I really feel for you though - I still, after almost 30 years, re-live encounters with the girl who victimised mecat school, in an attempt to crush her! God alone knows how I'd be if I saw her now...

Good luck - please tell us how it goes