In wanting to 'have a word' with this woman?

[Cortina]

Brief background, I travelled to school with a girl who made my life a complete misery for about 5 years or longer. She was, back then a pretty, popular girl who everyone seemed to look up to. She came from a family who appeared comfortably off, stable and very happy which makes what happened even harder for me to understand even now.

For whatever reason she decided to single me out for some pretty poisonous bullying. Every time she saw me she would contort her face into a grimace, come up about a inch away from me, and tell me how ugly I was etc, etc. She rounded up her followers and they would take my bag, my money, some of my clothes that sort of thing. I didn't fit in with her gang and neither did I want to. I am no victim but it was impossible to stand up to 6 or more people and others I think were too scared to intervene.

It affected me badly, even now I suffer sometimes because of it. My self esteem took a bashing as you can imagine. Gradually my good friends, there were a couple who would sit with me, backed away and began to laugh and join in with this girl over time.

Turns out she is going to be at a small party a friend of mine is hosting in a few weeks. Turns out she is a good friend of her! They both worked overseas together. I've told her about what happened to me and she can't believe that this girl could ever do anything like this. I feel angry that she dented my confidence for so many years and was planning to avoid the party. My friend says she'd just forget it all, this other girl has apparently changed.

I've been successful over the years and have done well for myself despite a difficult childhood, I am proud of my achievements. I am now planning to go, and not only that to have a word with her about what she did and the damage she caused to me and probably others. She has daughters about the same age as me when her onslaught started, how would she feel if someone singled them out for similar behaviour?

There are bullies and then there is this girl. The school thought she was wonderful, she was revered by everyone. At least on the surface. I never told anyone about what happened and I assumed I really must be an ugly loser. It took me a long time to realise I wasn't and I'm not but I still bear the scars. Writing this, and looking back, I am honestly puzzled why she seemed to single me out?

So should I really be letting bygones by bygones? I plan to ask her somehow why she thought she had a right to behave as she did in a calm, measured way. Thing is I feel emotional about it all, even now, and am probably not going to be calm and measured am I? Also realise my friend's party isn't the right time or place. I am damned if I am going to be a doormat and do and say nothing? Or is the best revenge living well, which I am now doing?

I feel I need to say something, somehow.

A bit of a WWYD I suppose? Thanks!

Be careful that you don't ruin your friend's party with this.

Personally, I would just ignore her. Be polite if she tries to speak to you, but otherwise just blank her.

I wouldn't consider her worth the effort.

A shame your have already mentioned this to your friend. Otherwise you could have pretended to have not remembered her, I reckon that would sting.

I have been in a very similar situation. I was with DH and some good friends, at a party, and saw some one who had bullied me at school. I told DH and our friends who she was so they weren't surprised at my reaction to her. She approached me, looking very confident and said something like "Hi, I'm XX, do you remember me from Y school?". My answer was "Oh yes, I remember you". Then I turned just slightly towards DH and carried on our conversation.

I was happy with how I handled it because I did not lose my dignity and did not cause a scene. I also did not need to see how XX reacted. She drifted off to another group of people, but since I had not said anything nasty to her I don't think she could have bitched about me to any others at the party.

I hope you can have a good time at the party and don't let this person ruin your day.

Thanks to everyone, some really great advice and I'm very grateful. Sorry to hear that others have had similar experiences but glad to hear that they've handled them so positively.

Some really good advice.

I'm another fan of quiet dignity.
Success is revenge enough.
Look fantastic (and make sure you have an emergency bottle of optrex in your purse should the opportunity present itself.2 drops and she'll be running to the loo for a week!BINGO!

I wouldn't go. I cannot see that there's anything of value for you that can be achieved by meeting her at a mutual friend's party, but I can see lots of chances that you'll get hurt again. If she's still vile, then no matter what your actions and reactions, she can still make you suffer -- even if you also make her suffer.

I can see that there is value in meeting her at some other point, if it allowed you to get some kind of closure through making her sufficiently revolted with her behaviour that she's truly repentant (merely apologetic doesn't cut the mustard in this situation). But you can't do that at a party. Instead, I'd be tempted to tell your friend that you're sorry, but you won't voluntarily be in a social situation with that woman until things are resolved. If she's the right kind of friend, you might ask her if she'd ask the (hopefully ex-)bully if the bully would meet you one-to-one on a separate occasion to talk things through.

Just to add I think there is absolutely no chance this bully has forgotten. It was her sport for more than 5 years, lasting more than a couple of hours a day.

I went to a party/school reunion. I was always the unpopular, studious girl. People made fun of me - very badly. At the school reunion, I couldn't remember half the people there - blocked it out I guess. I also had a few of the horrible bullies actually come up and say they were really sorry! I had my convo with them all planned - but that one blew me out of the water - I then replied that they were horrible but that I was really happy that they had appologised. I then went on chatting to the other people who were my friends at school.

Well, it doesn´t sound as if the OP would get much sympathy from the hostess imo.

OP-who else would be there so that you could ignore the bully & treat her with the contempt she deserves?

I think that confronting her directly could rebound on you as others have suggested.

I think that I would not approach her. If she came to talk to me, I would talk for about 20 seconds, not give away anything about me or my life and then apologise and say that you can see someone you really want to talk to somewhere else in the room and walk away (looking interesting and fab).

No point in engaging with her.

If she brought up school, I would again not engage and tell her that I would imagine we have very different recollections of it and again walk off to talk to someone else.

I would have running through my mind the need to keep dignity at all costs and the fact that you do not need or want to have anything to do with her, but unlike her you can manage to be civil.

I can see where thesecondcoming is coming from

you should only go to the party because your friend is hosting one and you want to be there and have a good time

not to show dignity to a bully

that is for another time

your friend is friends with this woman and has asked you to drop it

that means unfortunately she's not in your side re this matter

so if you can't go and have a good time because of this woman then I think you should miss it

I realise you've had an awful time but this party isn't the place to come to terms with your past

I think you should go. You had a terrible time at school because of this girl/woman but you have made a success of your life. Well done you. Never forget what you've achieved despite this horrid person making your life a misery. Be an Ice Queen. Spend a long time making yourself look extra gorgeous, wear your best outfit. Look and feel amazing.
Don't let her spoil your night. I believe that if you didn't go, you'd regret it.

I think you should go, be warm and bubbly, and wait for her to come to you.

If she does approach, just be calm and wait for her to say "It is nice to see you again!",

then you lean in a bit so no one can hear, and say "Shame on you" lean back smile,and just walk away.

OR, you could look at her incredulously (sp!!) and laugh saying "You have got to be kidding me!" Implying that her being all nicey nicey will not wash and she can eff right off.

That should leave her scratching her head for a bit.

I would like for you to embaress her, but not infront of a crowd. You should remain calm and happy and dignified.

completely agree with mandi

"Say in front of everyone loudly and cheerfully 'I remember YOU! You used to call me ugly at school! Do you remember?' "

Fantastic - makes the point that you are over it to the point of it being slightly amusing to you to meet her again. |But makes the point and gives her an opportunity to cringe.

and other than that be polite and civil. Keep the upper hand, and don't do anything to spoil your friend's party (as I'm sure you wouldn't )

I agree with Pozzled and the "Oh sorry, I didn't recognise you at first, school seems so long ago now" and then just move on to speak to someone else comments.

id still be tempted to feed her a laxative loaded cake, or an LSS infused drink. I'm nice like that.....

I agree with the others who say don't go to the party. There's nothing in it for you. Have a better night somewhere else and tell your friend that if she wants you both to attend the same event, then there needs to be some attempt at reparation by the bully woman.

You do not have to be in a situation where you have to hink about your interaction ith this person- take yourself out of the game your friend has set up.

this happened to me at a pub once, 'my' bully was unexpectedly there and part of a larger gathering that my group of freinds were joining.

anyway, at one stage of the evening someone brought her over and said oh wow, xxx has just said she went to the same school as frik, do you guys remember eachother? and i did prtty much what mandi said, i sort of laughed and said 'of course i remember xxx, she used to call me names and smack me around at any oppertunity, not something im likely to forget' and then nonchalantly took a sip of my drink and just carried on smiling at her.

i really dont think she was expecting that at ALL and i think the person who brought her over had sort of been primed by her earlier that i was some pathetic creature they could go over and be mean to.

it clearly fell very flat and the other people standing there sort of started making other conversatin and ignored her.

i left not long afterwards and the freind i was with (who didnt know about the bullying and didnt know the other woman) said to me that she felt like doing an american style arm punch thing she was so chuffed with how i handled it! had to admit it was more shock than anything planned!

I would start with 'I wonder if you are any happier now?' and when she asked what I meant I would say 'I think we both know what went on at school' with a bit of a solid, but not unfriendly stare and leave it there..
If she has any decency she'll blush and apologise.

If pushed, I would certainly tell her in a calm but very, very loud,rational voice just how her behaviour was interpreted (giving one choice, brief example, with no emotion if you can) such that she has a chance to reconsider her past behaviour and where necessary, experience what others think of it (seeing as they've just heard).

Best of British- don't lose it and shout (much as you are tempted) as it will descend you to her level- be polite and firm and show her how to behave.

Absolutely DO NOT "have a word". If you tell her she hurt you, you will have given her more power.

If you think you won't be able to stop yourself, just don't go to the party.

If you do go, just have a good time, and if she does approach, do what junglist said.

I'd have to speak to her, but that's me. I know that afterwards the chances of seeing her again are slim and I'd be sad and cross with myself not to have told her what an awful person she was.

I had a friend request from an awful person at school recently (we're now approaching 30) and I replied with something along the lines of 'you have to be fucking kidding me?!'. I don't remain hurt by her, but I wanted to shame her into remembering what she was back then.

Your bully may have changed, but she deserves a confrontation about this, no matter when it happened. She deserves to feel shame, and if she has indeed changed then she will.

I agree with the others about how you should deal with it at a friend's social do - but whatever you do, at the end ask her how old her daughters are now....that'll get her thinking.

Good luck whatever you decide and do let us know.

i had a similar experience to you at school and went to a school reunion last year. the women who had bullied me was the first person i saw when i went into the pub

she yelled out " oh no, here's another skinny minnie" and came up and threw her arms around me like i was her long lost mate

i was totally gobsmacked but delighted to see that she was FAR from slim herself, looked about 10 years older than the rest of us and was clearly the worse for drink

she seemed to have no memory of what she had done or at least to just put it down to a bit of teasing, normal adolescent behaviour. she chatted away happily about what jolly japes we all had at school etc

i hadn't planned to bring it up but based on my experience I woudl do what mandi said. Or nothing at all

If you pour out all the stuff you said in your OP you will look like a sad loser who cant let bygones be bygones. Thats NOT what i think, it affected me very badly for years. But its what the others there will think. sorry if that not what you wanted to hear

oh i forget to say - later in teh evening another woman came up and said " i think i owe you an apology". She then went on to say that she had stolen one of my pencils in infant school and had always felt guilty about it. LOL