In wanting to 'have a word' with this woman?

[Cortina]

Brief background, I travelled to school with a girl who made my life a complete misery for about 5 years or longer. She was, back then a pretty, popular girl who everyone seemed to look up to. She came from a family who appeared comfortably off, stable and very happy which makes what happened even harder for me to understand even now.

For whatever reason she decided to single me out for some pretty poisonous bullying. Every time she saw me she would contort her face into a grimace, come up about a inch away from me, and tell me how ugly I was etc, etc. She rounded up her followers and they would take my bag, my money, some of my clothes that sort of thing. I didn't fit in with her gang and neither did I want to. I am no victim but it was impossible to stand up to 6 or more people and others I think were too scared to intervene.

It affected me badly, even now I suffer sometimes because of it. My self esteem took a bashing as you can imagine. Gradually my good friends, there were a couple who would sit with me, backed away and began to laugh and join in with this girl over time.

Turns out she is going to be at a small party a friend of mine is hosting in a few weeks. Turns out she is a good friend of her! They both worked overseas together. I've told her about what happened to me and she can't believe that this girl could ever do anything like this. I feel angry that she dented my confidence for so many years and was planning to avoid the party. My friend says she'd just forget it all, this other girl has apparently changed.

I've been successful over the years and have done well for myself despite a difficult childhood, I am proud of my achievements. I am now planning to go, and not only that to have a word with her about what she did and the damage she caused to me and probably others. She has daughters about the same age as me when her onslaught started, how would she feel if someone singled them out for similar behaviour?

There are bullies and then there is this girl. The school thought she was wonderful, she was revered by everyone. At least on the surface. I never told anyone about what happened and I assumed I really must be an ugly loser. It took me a long time to realise I wasn't and I'm not but I still bear the scars. Writing this, and looking back, I am honestly puzzled why she seemed to single me out?

So should I really be letting bygones by bygones? I plan to ask her somehow why she thought she had a right to behave as she did in a calm, measured way. Thing is I feel emotional about it all, even now, and am probably not going to be calm and measured am I? Also realise my friend's party isn't the right time or place. I am damned if I am going to be a doormat and do and say nothing? Or is the best revenge living well, which I am now doing?

I feel I need to say something, somehow.

A bit of a WWYD I suppose? Thanks!

I havent read all the responses but IMHO someone else's party is NOT the place to confront a bully from your past. Either don't go or attend and spend your time talking to the people you do like. Don't take valium like someone suggested or even drink too much - it won't help you to keep your dignity and rise above her if she speaks to you.

Am surprised no-one has suggested this: but could you get her contact details from your friend in advance. I would want to get it over and done with privately and before the party - just tell her she was extremely unpleasant and made your teenage years a misery. Don't expect or wait for an apology, just leave it at that.

Then you will know how you feel, and can decide whether to go to the party. If you do, and she has apologised or apologises there, then great, continue to waft around glamorously. If she doesnt apologise then go for that fab Mandi1984 line loudly and clearly!

It's good to slay your demons: just do it on your terms and in your space and time.

I would ignore her unless she speaks to you, at which point I would say 'You made my life hell at the age your daughters are right now. Unless you're about to apologise I have nothing to say to you'.

I also think WorkingItOut's idea is a good one.

I agree with the quiet dignified approach; "I remember you" is perfect; it will leave her wondering. The less said to her the better.
If she really has changed, she may bring up the subject of the bullying herself and then you can decide whether you want to reveal the damage she's done to you.
Good luck - come back and let us know how it went!

I wouldn't even want to speak to any of the people who made me miserable at school.. ignore unless aproached.. then just say as a lot of posters have suggested.. 'I remember you, and not in a good way!' then stay away from her you don't need her apology or approval. How many people any chance of avoiding her all together?

I had a similar experience at school, including being systematically ostracised from the entire peer group. I went to my 10 year school reunion with the full knowledge that more than one of the people who had bullied me would be there.

What I determined to do was to go as me, the person I was at the time, and not to "take with me" the teenager I had been 10 years previously.

For me, this meant accepting that just as I had grown up and was now a confident person, who was happy and proud of the life I had made for myself, it was equally as likely that the ex-bullies had grown up and become pleasant, reasonable people. I reminded myself that when they were bullying me, they were only children themselves.

It was also important to me to make the decision not to say anything unpleasant or cutting, or to try to embarrass the people who had hurt me previously. I don't do this to people I meet now, so why would I suddenly revert to childish behaviour especially for that occasion?

Most of the conversations I had that night were about what we were doing in our lives at that point. I found I gravitated to and got on well with a completely different bunch of people to whom I had associated with at school. There really was no reason to dwell on what had happened, and who had been friends with whom when we were at school. I approached each person there and got to know them again in the same way as I would have done at a party of strangers.

I even spent about 5 minutes talking to the person who had bullied me the most. What was most satisfying was that we spoke for about 3 minutes when we were standing at the bar together, before she confessed that she did not know who I was. I had a moment of quiet satisfaction when I told her my name and she looked shocked, and a tiny bit embarrassed. I did not need to say anything to her- the fact that she was obviously surprised to see me as a confident, happy and friendly person was enough for me. It reminded me that I had genuinely moved on, and had removed from her all of the power that she had previously had over me.

Obviously, if she or any of the other people who had bullied me had been unpleasant, I would have stood up for myself and stopped it. But as they all chose to be friendly, I really do not think that I would have gained anything by being unpleasant.

what tsc said

I was bullied throughout primary and secondary school by one gril who was the ring leader of a group. One day they were my friend the next noe. I never knew as i stood at the bus stop whether I'd be made to feel welcome or sniggered at and ignored. every school day morning for 5 years. And if it was an ignoring day no one at school f**king idiot sheep would talk to me either. Finally got better when I left the idiots behind and went to 6th form college and made some friends who're still friend to this day. Unfortunately she came to the same college as me and continued to try to sabotage my life but I was more popular than here there.

i can only put it down to a combination of her being jealous, naturally like that in her temperament and me being a bit weird and vulnerable. However I was slimmer, prettier and cleverer than her so maybe that was it.

i don't think there's anything to be gained from "having a word" confrontation rarely makes the wronged one feel better, in fact it can have the opposite effect. I also don't agree with all this glamming yourself up and going on about your achievements, she probably won't even notice and it will cheapen you. i would avoid and prob not go to the party. it's for this reason i would never never go to a school reunion and am v careful on facebook, it's just not worth it. those people are nothing to me now they are pathetic.

it does have lasting repercussions though, I find female friendships agonisingly difficult and have suspicious and wary of women generally, I just don't really trust them. saying that i have some absolutely amazing female friends but no one best friend, i don't think i could manage it!

I also don't agree about once a bully always a bully, I think people can change and see the error of their ways and they should be given that chance. Not always obviously but people can change.

The woman might seek you out and apologise to you - just be prepared that she will be expecting to see you, will remember - hopefully with shame - what she did to you and therefore there's a chance she'll have thought through some scenarios of how things might pan out.

Bullies are usually cowards who feel inadequate - if she has resolved this in herself then she possibly has changed.

I would go for the dignified route myself, but take care to look absolutely fabulous

Def go to the party. Look drop dead gorgeous and do something special like having your hair done so that you are feeling super confident. Then when your mutual friend says "oh, you remember (insert troll bitch's name) dont you?" fix the vile creature with your iciest stare, say "yes, I remember you only too well", turn on your heel and walk away. No chance for emotions to bubble over as you really dont want to cry or anything but it lets her know that you remember her appalling behaviour. Also not too embarrassing for your friend the hostess. This only really applies, though, if the party is larger than 10 or so otherwise an embarrassed silence will ensue and that is not great for the hostess.

I would go but not speak to her unless she seeks you out and speaks to you. If she does that then I would just look confused and say you don't remember her at all...

I probably wouldn't go down the route of bigging up your achievements to her as (if she remembers how she bullied you and I would be very suspicious if she implies she didn't) it would be a wee bit transparent and obvious on your part.

As someone else suggested, I would be very succinct and very polite, eg. "Yes, of course I remember you, you bullied me horribly when we were children. Thankfully, it hasn't affected me the way bullying can. I'm one of the lucky ones I suppose. Well, enjoy your night."

Then move to another part of the garden (of course looking stunning, happy and poised)

I'm so angry for your child-self, and wish someone had been able to help you.

Although I like vaunieathome's suggestion too.

I agree don't do anything which looks like you want or need her to admire you.

I'd ignore her unless she makes contact first, and then just look her in the eye and say: 'I remember you,' hold eye contact for a moment then walk away and chat happily with someone else. If she really has grown up she'll squirm.

I'd go to the party and spook her! Leave her guessing if you remember who she is and what she did and also if you are going to embarrass her about it now.

maybe say "there was a really unpleasant girl at school. a bit of a bully tbh. maybe mentally disturbed, poor thing. She lived on xx street. I wonder whatever happened to her?".

I would just be polite and talk about how well you are doing and put yourself on a pedstal.

That way you are not being rude but have shown her what a great success you made of yourself.

It's a bit passive aggressive/needy though, and I doubt it'll give the OP the closure she deserves.

When is the party? Can you please let us know how you get on, however you choose to deal / not deal with it.

The reason she will have singled you out then, was because she was jealous of you. I would ignore her, make sure you look great and have a good time!

If - and only if you encounter her face-to-face at the party and she starts talking, then I'd def. do the rather loftily kind but patronising line that others have suggested, like "Are you...'better' now? I remember you had a lot of issues at school that made you need to take project your own insecurities on others and could only really feel good about yourself, when you put others down....remember? I do hope you're happier now. It must have been a very troubled time for you..."

Great post minxofmancunia

If it was me I probably wouldn't go - I hate confrontation and would be petrified of it! But if you do go, go because you want to go and have a good time, most importantly be yourself - i.e. nice.

I would wait for her to speak to you. SAy hello and leave it at that. Don't do small talk, don't engage. It will make her feel bad and you will have the moral high ground. Otherwise she'll KNOW you are still affected by it. Do you want to give her the satisfaction? Glam up, hold your head high and let her see that her vile bullying has not had a lasting impact (even if you're wibbling inside)