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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect Grandparents to ask my permission....

142 replies

PiscesLondon · 23/05/2010 14:23

hi all,

i'm a bit of a control freak with my DD and food. she's just turned 8 months and is starting to eat lumpier things, tiny bits of finger foods etc...

my MIL has her every thursday whilst i study, she generally takes her out for the day from about lunchtime when i have to leave and then puts her to bed for me and stays with her until i come home. i'm very grateful, and i trust my MIL completely, she loves my DD and vice versa. my own mum doesn't have a set day when she has my daughter, i just pop into my mum's a couple of times a week for a few hours with my DD and if i want a night out with OH or a catch up with friends, i just ask my mum if i can drop my DD off (providing my mum isn't in work and doesn't have plans) again, my DD and mum have a great relationship and i trust my mum completely.

now, i'm not a fan of people giving my DD bits of food without asking me first (i'm paranoid about choking and also don't like my DD eating crap) my mum actually has my DD for a few hours today whilst i organise the nursery. i've rang my mum and told her what i want my DD to have for dinner, i've also told her that if she wants to give my DD any other bits of finger foods etc.. to ring me and check, as i feel i know my own child best and i know what she's capable of eating. my mum is really laid back and fine with this, it's not a problem. my MIL on the other hand said 'i have had 2 kids myself you know' and was a bit dismissive. i get the impression she was a little offended that i expected her to ask my permission. when either of them have my DD, i have all her meals ready to take with them, so i don't know if i might be best to just tell my MIL that i'd rather that was all my DD ate for the day, then she wouldn't need to ring me to check about anything. i'd just like to add that this won't be forever, just until my DD is old enough to eat most things competently.

AIBU?

OP posts:

traceybath · 23/05/2010 14:26

I think you are being a control freak to be honest.

You are very lucky to get so much help with your DD and if you trust them to look after your child and they've never given you any reason to doubt them - I would trust that they will feed her age appropriate stuff.

So either send all food/snacks with her so you have control or trust them.

Am assuming they're not giving her nuts/honey etc.

At 8 months my dc's could pick up and eat most things to be honest.

colditz · 23/05/2010 14:29

she is old enough to eat things competantly, your mother in law has raised two children without choking them to death, and if you don't trust her judgement then don't ask he to do a nanny's job for no payment.

YABU, YAB a bit spoilt, and YAB far too uptight. they are doing YOU a favour, not the other way round.

DottyDot · 23/05/2010 14:29

Hmm - a bit. But that's easy for me to say when my two are 8 and 6 and baby/weaning stuff is way behind me!

I suppose if you provide all the food and let your MIL know that she doesn't need to give her anything else that's great, but unless your DD has got any known allergies, I think my stance would be that if someone else - a trusted family member - is looking after my child, it's kind of in their hands.

Grandparents are fab - we've got both sets living very nearby - and they're the ones who have tended to introduce new (and not necessarily stuff you'd choose) into dss' lives - but then dp and I get a break or whatever so that's the deal.

So it's probably a bit of give and take and don't get too wound up if your MIL gives DD something new - it doesn't sound like it'll happen every day and kids grow up knowing they have different experiences with different people - which isn't a bad thing!

TrinityMeemaRhino · 23/05/2010 14:29

I do think you are being far too controlling
you keep saying that you trust them but then you aren't trusting them to feed her

Original poster

PiscesLondon · 23/05/2010 14:31

but that's why i worry tracey, my DD can't pick things up and eat most things like yours could. she choked a few days ago on some finger food, i don't mean gagging, i mean full on choked were intervention was needed. maybe i should have mentioned that in my post, but it's left me a bit shaken and i feel as her mother i should be asked until she's old enough to eat most finger foods properly.

OP posts:

BosomsByTheSea · 23/05/2010 14:32

I agree with traceybath - I think you are being a bit of a control freak too.

My DTs are 8 months and can manage pretty much anything. They pick it up themselves and shovel it in. (except nuts, obviously)

She needs to practice to improve! I think you could lay down general rules (eg no cake etc) and then make sure mil knows the basics of what to do if she does choke (very unlikely if dd has picked food up herself) and let them get on with it.

KurriKurri · 23/05/2010 14:32

I think you are being U. Ringing you to check if they can give your DD a tiny bit of finger food is a bit OTT. I appreciate you are concerned for your DD, but your MIL is right, she has had children, she's not an idiot. And she's looking after your baby for you.
Why not make a few suggestions as to the type of thing your DD enjoys, or take her finger foods with you.

mnistooaddictive · 23/05/2010 14:33

YABU if you want your family to give you free childcare then you have to accept them making decisions about what she will eat. Get a life

Original poster

PiscesLondon · 23/05/2010 14:33

colditz - she's not being asked to do a nanny's job for no payment, so don't make assumptions. she OFFERED to have her FIRST grandchild for the day whilst i studied. i would never just expect her to have her.

OP posts:

traceybath · 23/05/2010 14:35

What did she choke on?

Try her on bits of toast but decent size so she can suck on them.

It is frightening when they choke but again I'd trust your mil to deal with that if she did choke.

I think you either trust your mil to look after your DD or you don't really.

I'm afraid you won't get much sympathy as we're all going to be at the help you get .

I know it is hard to trust others though with your dc's - and mil could perhaps have been a little more tactful. Its the type of comment my mum would make though.

KurriKurri · 23/05/2010 14:38

OK - just read your post re. choking, I can see why you are anxious, it's a recent event and a scary one. Have you explained to MIL about this, and why you are (over) anxious. Its reasonably common for babies to have some sort of choking incident that needs prompt action. If you're confident your MIL and Mum know what action to take, your DD will be fine.

Maybe stick to non-lumpy stuff while others are caring for her, and let her learn to cope with bigger chunks while she's at home

jeananddolly · 23/05/2010 14:38

YABU. If you are worried about choking she should not be eating 'tiny' bits of food but stuff she can hold in her hand and chew. Choking is just as easy on puree you know - if not easier.

Either pack her a lunch box, pay for child care and leave written instructions that must be followed to the letter or only care for your daughter herself. Also ring up your MIL and apologise.

Butterpie · 23/05/2010 14:41

Babies do choke, y'know, they do it all the time, you just sit them forward, pat their back and they are fine. I'm afriad if you are still not letting your child have finger food then you aren't exactly doing her any favours...

I know you are scared, but you need to bite the bullet (or chew the rusk?) and let your child explore food.

I do think they should respect your rules, but IMO they are silly rules and I can see the temptation to sneak the child some toast or broccoli or something.

Original poster

PiscesLondon · 23/05/2010 14:42

tracey, she choked on the organix finger foods, proper full on choked! it was awful. i'm guessing she is just not as advanced with chewing as some other babies are. i know it sounds like a i get alot of help, and i suppose i do and i am very, very grateful. but the thing is it's only 1 day per week and my MIL offered. my own helps as much as she can too, but it's not every week and nor would i expect it to be. my MIL chewed a chip up and gave it to my DD without asking me and it resulted in some pretty violent gagging. i just feel i should be consulted until we all know that my DD is capable. i don't want to offend my MIL, i know she's not stupid, i just think people seem to think my DD can handle any finger foods when she blatantly can't.

OP posts:

KurriKurri · 23/05/2010 14:44

I don't think its unreasonable to tell your MIL you'd rather your DD didn't have chewed up chips. I'm not surprised she gagged.

jeananddolly · 23/05/2010 14:46

I understand why you are worried but she won't learn to chew unless given food to chew on. The most important thing is not what she eats (within reason) but making sure she is sat up properly, feeds herself and that she is always supervised.

jeananddolly · 23/05/2010 14:47

Chewed up chips are all kinds of wrongness. Sucking the salt off, yes - but chewed up - no. She can chew them herself.

Butterpie · 23/05/2010 14:49

She chewed the chip up? Most people would have just given the chip (obv with no salt) to the baby.

My six month old is no genius developmentally, but one of her favourite foods is potato waffles, which I just put on the tray in front of her and she gets on with it.

BosomsByTheSea · 23/05/2010 14:53

Pisces, here's the thing - your DD did not PICK UP the chewed up chip and get it to her mouth and then gag on it, did she?

Do you mean the Organix carrot sticks (that look like wotsits) or the rice cakes? Both of those are a little bit 'wierd' and not quite like proper food. Try soft fruits - banana chunks, whole strawberries etc. Pieces of toast are good for practicing too. Let her enjoy it.

Let her pick up what she can, get what she can to her mouth and then learn how to deal with it.

She will learn. Try not to be solimiting with what she's allowed to try, she'll improve quickly if you give her the chance.

colditz · 23/05/2010 14:53

can't help but make assumptions when you drip feed the information.

YAstillBU

colditz · 23/05/2010 14:55

On the gagging/choking/fingerfoods thing.

She will do this REGARDLESS of how big she is when you give her finger food. This is because she has to LEARN how to eat it. She will still have to learn how to eat it whether she is 8 months or 8 years old, and the choking/gagging will still occur.

Original poster

PiscesLondon · 23/05/2010 14:56

yeah, she chewed it up and put it in her mouth. tbh, that's what started me thinking that she should ask permission. as i've said before, i don't expect her or anyone to ask permission forever, just until my DD is eating finger foods competently.
i suppose i'm just scared that she'll bite too much off and choke at this age, as has already been proven.

OP posts:

Original poster

PiscesLondon · 23/05/2010 14:58

bosomsbythesea - it was the organix sweetcorn rings. they look like onion rings. i presumed that these would be the one finger foods that she wouldn't choke on, as these are made for babies. i won't be giving her them again in a hurry.

OP posts:

BosomsByTheSea · 23/05/2010 14:58

(nothing against rice cakes, btw, one of DTs favourite snacks, but they do go a bit claggy and disentegrate into tiny bits when gummed. Even my 2 -who are right little scoffers and very rarely gag- have a bit of a cough on ricecakes sometimes)

colditz · 23/05/2010 14:59

I do find it amusing how quickly any child that is not the first born learns to feed itself compared to how many times first borns 'choke'.

Ds1 didn't have finger food until he was 8 months old, I kept thinking he would choke, had choked, would be sure to choke, sort of choked - in hindsight he ate in exactly the same manner as ds2 who gagged a few times but NEVER actually choked on food.

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