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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect Grandparents to ask my permission....

142 replies

PiscesLondon · 23/05/2010 14:23

hi all,

i'm a bit of a control freak with my DD and food. she's just turned 8 months and is starting to eat lumpier things, tiny bits of finger foods etc...

my MIL has her every thursday whilst i study, she generally takes her out for the day from about lunchtime when i have to leave and then puts her to bed for me and stays with her until i come home. i'm very grateful, and i trust my MIL completely, she loves my DD and vice versa. my own mum doesn't have a set day when she has my daughter, i just pop into my mum's a couple of times a week for a few hours with my DD and if i want a night out with OH or a catch up with friends, i just ask my mum if i can drop my DD off (providing my mum isn't in work and doesn't have plans) again, my DD and mum have a great relationship and i trust my mum completely.

now, i'm not a fan of people giving my DD bits of food without asking me first (i'm paranoid about choking and also don't like my DD eating crap) my mum actually has my DD for a few hours today whilst i organise the nursery. i've rang my mum and told her what i want my DD to have for dinner, i've also told her that if she wants to give my DD any other bits of finger foods etc.. to ring me and check, as i feel i know my own child best and i know what she's capable of eating. my mum is really laid back and fine with this, it's not a problem. my MIL on the other hand said 'i have had 2 kids myself you know' and was a bit dismissive. i get the impression she was a little offended that i expected her to ask my permission. when either of them have my DD, i have all her meals ready to take with them, so i don't know if i might be best to just tell my MIL that i'd rather that was all my DD ate for the day, then she wouldn't need to ring me to check about anything. i'd just like to add that this won't be forever, just until my DD is old enough to eat most things competently.

AIBU?

OP posts:
pigletmania · 23/05/2010 15:54

Woh you are being a bit U tbh, my goodness relax chill, your ILs have had kids of their own. If you continue this way throught your dds life than you are certainly not going to enjoy her or being a parent, as everthing will be frought with worry. Like others have said if you dont trust them dont ask them to look after her. My good friend regularly takes dd now 3 and has done since she was a tiny baby, and I trust her judgement completely, if I did not I would not allow her to go with my friend. My friend feeds her things that she has made, i love not having to worry about it all, and when dd comes back my friend has leftovers to give to her for the next day. RELAX!!!!! If its not the food it will be something else.

thumbwitch · 23/05/2010 15:58

I don't think the "I have raised thildren myself you know" thing cuts much ice, actually - the children that MILs raised are usually grown up by now and before that they were teens, before that competent children, and only before that were they babies. This means that the latest experience some grandmothers have of raising children is older, competent ones. From my own experience, they sometimes forget what it is like looking after a little baby/toddler/child, expecting them to be able to do far more than they can at that stage.

OP - YAB a bit U but not that much - rather than ask your MIL to phone you, just say to her when you drop your DD off what sort of thing you would like her to have - and what you think she might not yet be ready for - and ask politely that your MIL doesn't stray outside what you have mentioned. Marginally less control-freaky.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 23/05/2010 16:03

DOn't know if anyone has said yet but has it occured to you at any point that your dd is not coping with chewing because of your reaction to food??

I had a friend like this, when she moved her dc's onto lumpier food they gagged (not even choked) and she went straight back to puree.
She never gave them decent bits of finger food etc and she set herself up for years of anxiety with food which she passed onto the children who at 7 still struggle now.

I am a total control freak and boy did I struggle with handing over my dd (first child as well) over to others to look after and also handing over some of the control.
So based on that I can hoestly say YABvvvvvU here.

I ubderstand your snxious over the choking incident but it may actually be a posiotive thing that your MIL is giving your baby some things you don't as it may actually help to move your daughter passed a stage that you are obviously finding difficult.

And if you think some posters have been bitchy then it is only because we have mostly all had these utterly ridiculous (and they are ridiculous sorry) toughts and are out the other side now and are able-and do laugh at the absurdity of it.

RobynLou · 23/05/2010 16:06

I admire you for taking on what people here have said and realising you might need to chill out a bit with feeding your daughter.

My dd is nearly 3, and had finger foods from 6months, she gagged a few times, she choked once, it was scary, but we knew how to deal with it, it was fine.

have you done an infant first aid course? if not maybe attending one so that you're really clear on what to do if your baby seriously chokes, and what to do with burns/breaks/insect bites/many other things. Then you could pass this knowledge on to your mother and MIL.

sunshine2010 · 23/05/2010 16:09

The reason this happens is that the child cant handle food as they are given the opportunity to develop normally by the parents. Its a vicious circle you are overprotecting your child which is resulting in her choking as she is not getting the chance to try it herself. You seriously need to relax.

Original poster
PiscesLondon · 23/05/2010 16:14

robyn - i have done a first aid course (being the control freak that i am!!) it helped relax me a bit, but the instructor was telling us about these awful horror stories about a child he knew choking to death. that was the last thing someone like me needed to hear!

thumbwitch - i like your point and think that is what i'll do rather than ask her to phone me. she can give her what she likes in 6 months time when DD has learned to eat properly. just for the time being i would rather she only gives her finger foods that i OK.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 23/05/2010 16:17

Ineedanothercleaner has summed it up nicely there.

Thediaryofanobody · 23/05/2010 16:20

I'm very particular about what my children eat even when with my parents but calling to ask permission is way over OTT imo.
It's also very insulting to those looking after them it shows that you don't trust. Your MIL has a valid point you DH/DP survived childhood, I'm sure your DD will survive a few hours.

Thediaryofanobody · 23/05/2010 16:22

Pisces It's very rare for a child to choke to death it's certainly not as common as it's made out to be.

Original poster
PiscesLondon · 23/05/2010 16:29

thediaryofanobody - my mum wasn't insulted at all! she's not bothered, she's very 'whatever' about the whole thing. maybe i just presumed my MIL would be the same. infact, it'd be nice if my mother was a bit put out by what i said, maybe then i'd think i was being a little unreasonable.

OP posts:
RunawayWife · 23/05/2010 16:44

My God I thought I was controlling but you win hands down.
YABU

pigletmania · 23/05/2010 16:52

Pices that is your mum she knows you and you are her daughter so there is a certain amount of understanding, your MIL is not and would find it difficult. Is food the only issue that you are very controlling about, are there others. You have to allow your dd to try different textures and foods or she will not learn, its part of the weaning process. By being so controlling with food, you might be storing up issues for the future like someone has said. Children can choke at any age it just does not stop at babies, so how are you going to be when dd is 3 or 4 at school and wanting to have what others are having. You might want to see some help if this is taking over your life

mumbar · 23/05/2010 16:57

Sorry if I sounded harsh earlier but it's from experience of being a bit of a control freak and someone telling me to 'get a grip' !!

It was over the pea thing, my mum was giving DS - funnily enough a chewed chip- and I was like OMG he chocked on a pea and you are giving him a chewed chip!!

As she quite rightly pointed out he had choked on the food I gave him and we had all had chips like this and never choked.

Still find the whole pre chewed chip thing gross as I think why should DS eat something I would chuck over

SouthMum · 23/05/2010 16:59

My DP is like you with our DS and has been since we started wwaning (now 15 months)
Its getting on my tits TBH and feels as if he doesnt trust me with what I feed DS.

Babies DO gag when they are getting used to food, violently or just a little, she will carry on gagging on 'new' food all the time I'm afraid.

YABVU and this sort of behaviour can be the root cause of eating disorders when they get older. Its surprising what vibes LOs pick up on.

SouthMum · 23/05/2010 16:59

sorry whats weaning, not wwaning, whatever that is.....

AndieWalsh · 23/05/2010 17:01

Asking your mum to phone you to seek permission to give your child snacks? Bonkers. Seriously.

If you don't trust her to look after your child, don't ask her to babysit.

Original poster
PiscesLondon · 23/05/2010 17:02

pigletmania - no, i'm not controlling in other areas, for example at home DD has a certain bedtime routine/bedtime, when she stays overnight at my mums i know my mum has her own little routine with her and that's fine. it's only with this finger food thing.

the only other thing my MIL has been a bit offended about is how i feel about my DD being around her dog, but that's non negotiable. apart from that MIL and i are great and i would hate to offend her unneccesarily.

OP posts:
SouthMum · 23/05/2010 17:05

Can I ask what the issue is with the dog?

Original poster
PiscesLondon · 23/05/2010 17:06

southmum - giving her issues with food is the last thing i want. i'm really grateful for the majority of the posts as i realise i am doing my DD more harm than good by being over protective. i still feel that, at this point in her weaning, i would like her grandparents to know what she can/can't have until she's a bit more competent.

OP posts:
zapostrophe · 23/05/2010 17:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pigletmania · 23/05/2010 17:12

Sorry Pisces just looking at it from a psychological view as I was a trainee health psychologist before putting things on hold to have dd and would like to complete that in the future.

pigletmania · 23/05/2010 17:16

I would be a bit scared about the dog issue, dd 3.2 loves dogs and likes approaching random dogs in the park, iam so controlling about it as they could attack and at worse kill her. We dont know them and what they can do so i am a bit weary. Oh ok its just around food. I am glad that you are taking the advice here on board.

compo · 23/05/2010 17:20

Aw, you sound really nice and you've acknowledged that you go ott re. the choking thing
your mil and mum will understand that you just need to know what's happening with your dd is with them
sounds like they're great too

pigletmania · 23/05/2010 17:20

By the way what are your dds approved foods, what does she eat

Original poster
PiscesLondon · 23/05/2010 17:27

pigletmania - yeah, it's just the food (so far!!) hopefully i will learn to relax about it though and see it all as a part of learning for my DD.

southmum - the dog is a huge american bulldog, she's very spoilt and isn't used to being around children. last time she was, she went for the child i don't want my DD around her and insist that the dog is locked in another room whilst my DD is their.

OP posts: