To expect Grandparents to ask my permission....

[PiscesLondon]

hi all,

i'm a bit of a control freak with my DD and food. she's just turned 8 months and is starting to eat lumpier things, tiny bits of finger foods etc...

my MIL has her every thursday whilst i study, she generally takes her out for the day from about lunchtime when i have to leave and then puts her to bed for me and stays with her until i come home. i'm very grateful, and i trust my MIL completely, she loves my DD and vice versa. my own mum doesn't have a set day when she has my daughter, i just pop into my mum's a couple of times a week for a few hours with my DD and if i want a night out with OH or a catch up with friends, i just ask my mum if i can drop my DD off (providing my mum isn't in work and doesn't have plans) again, my DD and mum have a great relationship and i trust my mum completely.

now, i'm not a fan of people giving my DD bits of food without asking me first (i'm paranoid about choking and also don't like my DD eating crap) my mum actually has my DD for a few hours today whilst i organise the nursery. i've rang my mum and told her what i want my DD to have for dinner, i've also told her that if she wants to give my DD any other bits of finger foods etc.. to ring me and check, as i feel i know my own child best and i know what she's capable of eating. my mum is really laid back and fine with this, it's not a problem. my MIL on the other hand said 'i have had 2 kids myself you know' and was a bit dismissive. i get the impression she was a little offended that i expected her to ask my permission. when either of them have my DD, i have all her meals ready to take with them, so i don't know if i might be best to just tell my MIL that i'd rather that was all my DD ate for the day, then she wouldn't need to ring me to check about anything. i'd just like to add that this won't be forever, just until my DD is old enough to eat most things competently.

AIBU?

I'd be far too embarrassed to ask my MIL to actually phone me for permission to feed DS things I say to her no crisps, choc or sweets. The rest I leave up to her, she has 3 non obese children so, tbh, I think she would find it VERY patronising to be ringing me asking if a raisin was ok... It shows a complete lack of trust.

op, the reality is though that you can't know what your daughter is competent to eat until she's allowed to eat it. So it's a vicious circle. You need to get past this otherwise you risk doing serious psychological damage to your child wrt food.

If you're not careful re the amount of control you want/think you have then you're going to end up in a position where your mum/mil will give your dd things without telling you, which I suspect tbh that your mum probably already does. Your dd is not yet old enough to be able to tell you, so if they decide that you're being over protective they'll take that out of your hands.

If you trust these people to look after your child then you need to lose the control.

I think it is best you don't let your dd go to either of her grandparents

you are very controlling, please remember you don't own the child you are her carer as is any responsable adult you chocie to leave her with - other wise you wouldn't be leaving her with them would you?

pigletmania - well she has the organix and hipp stage 2 jars, porridge, yoghurts etc.. she also has home made purees, although i've thickened them up now and left a few soft lumps in. i don't mind them giving her some mashed potato, mashed veg, soft batons of carrot and broccoli (although not the stalk as she has real trouble with this atm.) i don't want them giving her toast, sticks of apple/pear etc.. for the time being.

Oh ok, its rather limited, really introduce something new on a regular basis, like cheese, chopped up meat (tiny pieces), bread and butter. How is your dd going to gain competence if she is never allowed to. I think that i would do that, snakily give your dd some forbiden food. Funnily enough i too was worried about dd choking, she was on puree/soft food until 14 months (but had a variety of finger foods as long as they were soft) my friend gave me a right talking to and that was it I was converted.

Chewed up chips?

That's absolutely disgusting. I'd be pretty horrified if a relative was giving my baby something which they had chewed.

Being control freaky over children's food is setting everyone up for a lot of heartache. I'm sorry you had a scary moment with her choking, but you have to put it behind you. Being controlling about food can lead into a horrible battleground when they're toddlers and older.

My best advice is to let children guide what they want to eat. If she can maneuver it to her mouth and gnaw at it, then it's probably safe for her to eat (although personally, I'd be careful with very solid things like whole grapes or chunks of apple).

thanks carmen and pigletmania.

pigletmania - with cheese, should i cut it into strips that she can hold? i do want her to have more meat/fish but i don't know if i should mash it or cut it into strips or bite size pieces.

I remember at my dd health check after her 1st birthday, the HV told me to give dd more variety of foods and more chewy textures to help her swallowing and allow different muscles to work, thus it would also help her speech.

yes let her hold them and chew it, cucumber sticks,pepper sticks. Any thing you have or she takes an interest in, watch the salt content or sugar. Like Carmen said not whole grapes

use your judgement. There have been a number of times where my dd has nearly choked or gagged, and i have had to put my hand far into her mouth to remove it. as long as someone is with her when eating and she is not alone

Pisces, at the risk of churning out typical MN advice, it's worth investigating Gill Rapley's Baby Led Weaning book or googling BLW for finger food suggestions.

I did purees with my girls but DS started off with watermelon, cheese and avocado. It's been much, much easier.

I don't think YABU really. I am simelar with DC5. I have 5 DC and DC5 is a choker. He has been in hospital with reflux and has major feeding aversions. All my other DCs were on normal foods at 12 months but DS is 18 months and it has taken me this long to get him there. He can now eat most things. I often told my mum not to give him things that I felt he wasn't ready for.

What helped him was starting with chopped up baby crisps and organix carrot batons and then (largeish size) grated cheese strands, scrambled egg, baby pasta is really good too and chopped potato etc.

When we were eating, we gave him something of eveything that we were having chopped up or whole depending what it is. Then moving on to toast, cooked veg etc. It is scary at first but gets easier as they get better at it. One of my older DC choked badly 3 times and I had to dislodge the food from the back of his throat (apple skin twice and cereal shapes another time) as he couldn't breathe. It is very scary once you have been through that kind of thing but thankfully fatalities are very rare and maybe the child is running/talking etc. Good luck!

It's a while since mine were this age, so I'm going to leave the finger foods advice to all these other wise MNers.
However, what stands out for me from your posts, OP, are the phrases you use such as "ask my permission," "mummy knows best," "I, as her mother, feel I know her best." However twitchy you might feel when handing over your DD to her grandparents, I would try to avoid using phrases like those. The permission thing is just a bit insulting when they're doing you a favour and she's their flesh and blood too. The other two are stating the bleedin' obvious, although I guess there probably are some instances where mummy doesn't always know best.

YABU

You are being over-anxious but YANBU. Most people on here have older children and it's easy to look back and tell you that you are being ridiculous (which you are). However you won't realise this until your DD is older and I think first time mums should be given one year's grace to stress like this and for first child only. People caring for that child should understand that (they have been first time mothers too after all but conveniently forget their own worries from the time). After that you should realise that in reality very little could go wrong if someone reasonably competent is looking after your child.

My DD is 14 months and I didn't really worry about DD like you are. I am in a small minority amongst friends though and feel like 'bad mummy' around them. They'll all be as chilled as me with their seconds though and will not be sterilising up to a year and all other kinds of pointless crap.

YABU and a bit of a loon tbh
You expect her to ring you before she gives her ANYTHING to eat?? Are you mad, how will you get anything done

Sorry, but I think YABU to ask them to phone you every time. What a PITA. I'm not surprised MIL is 'a bit dismissive'. If this was a friend's baby they would be handing her back & saying "Here you go, you are obviously the only person capable of looking after her" but she's their DGD, so they don't - they want to be with her. They sound lovely, and you are creating problems.

you are coming across as quite controlling tbh. trust your mum and MIL, they know what the score is if they watch your DD on such a regular basis they'll know what she likes/dislikes. no need for all the phone calls really.

I trust mum and my MIL to feed DS lunch and hear about it all when he gets home. As long as it's all healthy stuff then that's fine, which it usually is anyway.

Try and relax a bit.

I am sympathetic as my first was a choker. We later found out that she had an undiagnosed severe tongue-tie and the poor little thing simply couldn't control her tongue enough to mush food or control where it went. Everyone said, oh babies always gag and choke, but I didn't actually see any eat, so thought they meant all the time like my daughter who sounded like she was being sick through all meals. When I saw normal babies eating nicely with the odd gag, I realised my daughter was a bit different. Oh well, you live and learn.

However, I would tell your MIL what you have told us, that you are feeling a bit neurotic anyway, and the choking thing made it worse, and now you are always worried about food so would she mind avoiding a couple of things. I think that might appeal to her better nature more than doing a 'I'm the mummy' number. And talk to her about the choking, she'll get the hint.

YABU- and come across as v anxious and controlling.

You are really very lucky to have such great support from both sets of grandparents. By all means, discuss with them what she likes to eat or leave some food prepared but don't insist on constant phone calls and checks. It would be best if you showed them that you trust them to look after your DD and also how grateful you are for the help.

not just a control freak but a bit of a freak as well. Seriously obsessed for no good reason I can see.

Totally agree with colditz on first page

was going to say YABVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVU

BUT the chewed up chip??!?

bleargh

gross.

really.

so yes, i'd want to know exactly what the grandaprents were feeding the baby if they felt chewed up chips were in any way appropriate

but rather than asking them to phone you,i would send DD with a packed lunch

i am sorry you were scared by her choking.. it can happen and thank goodness she was ok

choking can happen at any age.. (embarassing memory of choking on apple pie in front of SIL-to-be and then throwing up in the kitchen sink!!!)

you need to get your confidence up .. she is8 mths old and finger food is postiively recommended

try pitta bread in hummous, steamed chunks of veg.. cheese , fruit.. all in pieces she can comfortbly hold, explore, chew and play wtih

but you do need to let go..

Here's another way to look at things. From this thread, and what you already give her, you can give your mum and MIL quite a long list of finger foods to try with your dd - and they can try her with them and report back to you.

That way your dd is getting to try new foods in a relaxed way, and it might help you stress a bit less too - you won't be watching each mouthful and worrying.

I worried a lot when ds1 went onto lumps and finger food - I cut things up small, and didn't know what I should be giving him - until one evening, dh, ds1 and I were in an italian restaurant, and ds1 ignored the bits of garlic bread that I'd carefully torn up and put on his highchair tray, and reached right across to grab a whole piece of garlic bread, and started chomping happily. At that point, I realised I had maybe been worrying a bit much.

gosh it's funny how different things worry different people. the food, whatever, but the dog!! no way my child would even be in the house. guess we are all control freaky in our own ways

If someone's looking after your baby for a long period through the day I think it's fine to offer clear instructions about how you do things and what your baby's used to - but then you trust them to get on with it. I think your MIL must find the current set-up very difficult. If I were her I would certainly be rolling my eyes behind your back.