To expect Grandparents to ask my permission....

[PiscesLondon]

hi all,

i'm a bit of a control freak with my DD and food. she's just turned 8 months and is starting to eat lumpier things, tiny bits of finger foods etc...

my MIL has her every thursday whilst i study, she generally takes her out for the day from about lunchtime when i have to leave and then puts her to bed for me and stays with her until i come home. i'm very grateful, and i trust my MIL completely, she loves my DD and vice versa. my own mum doesn't have a set day when she has my daughter, i just pop into my mum's a couple of times a week for a few hours with my DD and if i want a night out with OH or a catch up with friends, i just ask my mum if i can drop my DD off (providing my mum isn't in work and doesn't have plans) again, my DD and mum have a great relationship and i trust my mum completely.

now, i'm not a fan of people giving my DD bits of food without asking me first (i'm paranoid about choking and also don't like my DD eating crap) my mum actually has my DD for a few hours today whilst i organise the nursery. i've rang my mum and told her what i want my DD to have for dinner, i've also told her that if she wants to give my DD any other bits of finger foods etc.. to ring me and check, as i feel i know my own child best and i know what she's capable of eating. my mum is really laid back and fine with this, it's not a problem. my MIL on the other hand said 'i have had 2 kids myself you know' and was a bit dismissive. i get the impression she was a little offended that i expected her to ask my permission. when either of them have my DD, i have all her meals ready to take with them, so i don't know if i might be best to just tell my MIL that i'd rather that was all my DD ate for the day, then she wouldn't need to ring me to check about anything. i'd just like to add that this won't be forever, just until my DD is old enough to eat most things competently.

AIBU?

No permission needed.

She is 8mnths old. She needs to learn to eat finger foods.

cut up banana, strawberries, toast fingers etc and put them on the highchair tray and leave her to it.

Choking and gagging is NORMAL as the child is learning.

Loosen up and chill out.... you sound WAY too controlling.

If you aren't happy for your MIL to use her initiative and experience to feed your child, then I think you should not allow her to mind the baby and arrange alternative child cover. Otherwise, trust your MIL and the fact that she loves your child which will mean she'll always do her best by her, it goes without saying. Expecting her to ask permission every time she tries to feed her is just daft.

Picses "I won't be giving her those again in a hurry" - they are harmless. She could gag on every single food you give her and then what are you going to feed her for the rest of her life? She won't choke on them again, she's learned her lesson and to be honest it would melt before she got into any bother with it. She might gag a few times but she will learn to deal with it. just don't place food in her mouth (or let other people do it)

I've seen those - again, I'd give her real food if you can - they are quite hard and do the claggy/disentegrate thing like the rice cakes. They say finger foods' so you'll buy them - your DD will be much better off withy things cut into chunky fingers by you - melon, pitta bread, avo (leave some skin on so she can hold it). Save the crispy snacks till she's older and really has the hang of it.

The more chances you give her to try it, the quicker she'll learn.

You're being a control freak. I can't believe you have the gall to think you and only you know how to stop a baby choking and that your MiL only managed to raise her children because they were some magic breed that never choked!! Arrogant much?
My eldest was an expert choker. He'd gag on his own tongue. He once turned blue and went floppy when
being fed by his 15 year old babysitter. You know what? Couple of back slaps and she had the obstruction removed and he was happily munching a fromage frais (she was a bit freaked out to give
him any more lumpy food)
I wouldn't expect my sitters to 'ask permission' before feeding my kids something, never mind my Mum or MiL who are far more experiences mothers than I am!!!

I think YABU. Your DD choked, All babies do. She's fine now so put it behind you and move on.

Your DD will never learn how to chew food properly if you keep being so overprotective of what your feeding her.

If you trust your MIL enough to look after your DD once a week then you should trust her to feed her too. Your MIL is understandably feeling a little narked at your insinuation that she is incapable of feeding a child properly.

YABU. Like previous posters say you can't claim to trust someone but want them to ring you for permission first. We did baby-led weaning with my DD and she has never choked on anything (now 10 1/2 months). If she doesnt get the practice she will never learn. Babys have a pretty good gag reflex so I think you need to give her the chance to try it for herself without freaking out too much.

I'm a control freak, too, btw, but I still allow my DD to try things for herself so that she can learn.

colditz - she did choke. i've done plenty of research and asked alot of other mothers about the gag reflex/babies gagging. my daughter has gagged plenty of times, it doesn't really bother me. i understand she has to gag. this wasn't a gag. the child choked. whether she inhaled a large piece of it without me realising or not i don't know, but she definitely choked. my mother, auntie and sister were all in the room when it happened and we were all very shaken up by it.

PS

In all kindness, I think your mum is tolerating the control freakyness because you are her daughter, she loves you, and she knows you'll get over it. It's not because she's being reasonable and your mother in law isn't.

Choking is really frightening, but a baby can choke on puree too, you won't find a completely choke safe food.

On the other hand, you are more than reasonable to ask your MIL not to give your DD chips, or anything pre-chewed. Maybe you could have a look at the Baby Led Weaning book or something similar about finger foods to get some ideas or suitable things?

she shouldn't be putting food into your baby's mouth - if the baby can pick it up and bite a bit off then usually all will be well

putting food into a baby's mouth will often result in choking, they need to see what it is first and handle it, to gauge how to eat it

I choked on a tomato once. Proper Heimlich manouvre choked.

But it didn't mean tomatoes were off limits for me for ever. Or that I had to go back to purees for a while. (I was 14 at the time)

I understand it was scary but you need to get a sense of perspective here. Parenthood is scary.. One day she'll fall over when in te garden - she might even bleed, or break a limb (I hope she doesn't, but she might). Will you stop her from going out there? Of course not!

Sit her up, put a variety of healthy foods in front of her and let her get on with it.

I'm not saying she didn't choke. It must have been very scary. Ds2 choked on a 5p piece once and I genuinely had to go to the loo afterwards and check I hadn't peed myself with fright (I was on my own)

I'm saying that you can't control every aspect of her life to within entirely safe limits without affecting her development adversely. You aren't the only person who knows how to pick up a child, hold it upside down and slap it's back .... it's not magic, anyone can do it.

I understand that you would feel awful if she choked while you weren't there, but the only causative factor would be the fact that something was in her mouth, which could happen at every single mealtime including the ones at which you are there. And she could choke on ANYTHING - except maybe runny yoghurt.

It's very bizarre and controlling to restrict her diet purely because you aren't there to watch her

It's another case of wanting it all on your terms isn't it? Either you trust your MIL to look after her grandchild and let her get on with it, or you look for properly regulated childcare which you pay for, and dictate the small print about certain foods etc

If you aren't happy to leave your child with her, then don't. Simple. Seems to me that too many people have control issues, and very strict views about how they want their children cared for, but aren't willing to pay for it.

I have never said anything bad to someone on here before BUT

OMG woman get a grip.

Do you really think that someone who loves your DD will chance giving her something she couldn't cope with and I agree choking is awful but how will she learn to chew eat pick up foods etc if you never give her the chance.

I'm guessing as well this isn't a result of the choking it sounds like you've always felt this way.

My DS choked on a pea once and it was pretty scary but I let him carry on so as not to give him a complex about food. That and when the pea came up and out his nose it was quite humourous

violethill - i would be willing to pay for it, but that would offend MIL after she had offered.

i'm glad i posted because i now realise i need to get a grip and stop being so over protective. before i ever had a child, i knew this was how i would be. i've always been highly strung, even as a child. can't help it, but will try as i really don't want my fears to affect my baby girl.

some good advice given (some bitchy, uncalled for comments too, but that was expected at mumsnet!) and it's good to hear that most babies do get on with it when you let them have a go with finger foods. regardless of what has been said though, i will be making the decisions about what finger foods MIL can give her, until my DD has proved to me she is competent with it all. she seems to have a habit of gagging violently on even basic things (broccoli?) and i don't think i will feel confident until she's not gagging as violently and as frequently.

Whatever you do, try to relax a bit. Listen to what people have said here - they are mostly much closer to weaning their children than I am (my youngest is 13, so it is all a bit lost in the mists of time for me). Plenty of good suggestions here of finger foods to try - and how to try them.

Most of all, even though you are feeling a bit freaked out at the moment (understandably so), you don't want to pass on those feelings of tension about food to your dd. You want her to grow up enjoying food, and happy to try new tastes and sensations, and that is less likely if she picks up on issues about food now.

I feel sorry for you that you had the scary experience of your baby choking. I have a little paranoia about it myself. My dd is nearly 3 and I still cut her grapes!

However as others have said, she needs practice. Healthy food she handles herself first and puts in her own mouth.

As long as the ones caring for her are not giving her whole grapes, or cherry tomatoes or things that she might struggle to bite and end up swallowing whole - then you need to get it in perspective.

This is obviously something you worry a lot about, but if you can't let yourself trust them then you need to do all your own childcare. No studying and no going out with friends/OH.

You are so lucky to have the help you do. Some, such as me have no family nearby to help.

I think the problem here isn't really with your in-laws at all - it's with being scared after a choking incident. BUT your child unfortunately can choke whether it's you or someone else in charge! And as people have said, she could just as easily choke on a food you've provided, even a puree. Assuming that she'll be safe just because you've cooked the food is labouring under a false sense of security.

Ultimately, I think you're going to have to bite the bullet, so to speak - your DD needs to learn to eat finger foods sooner or later, and she'll only do it with practice.
I was pretty paranoid myself, and didn't let my DD have anything really 'hard' (like carrots or apples) until she was nearly 2 Until, that is, I watched her happily down a carrot stick provided by her nursery at their Xmas party

Honestly, I can see how scary it is to be rational after a choking incident, but why not focus your attention on making sure everyone knows exactly what to do if by unlucky circumstance it happens again? Children do die in choking incidents, but sadly in many cases it is because carers don't know how to react. My parents actually volunteered to go on a child first aid course when they started looking after DD a day a week, which they said was very helpful indeed and made me much more confident leaving her in their care.

Oh, and YANBU telling your MIL not to prechew food before giving it to your daughter - yeurg.

mumbar - i know i need to get a grip! however, she did give my daughter a chewed up chip. so yes, she did give her something she couldn't cope with IMO.

she's a wonderful grandmother, i do trust her in all other ways (apart from letting her have my DD around her crazy dog, but that's another story) but i just feel that she thinks my DD can handle foods that i know my DD can't - yet.

Pisces - when it comes to having your children cared for, worrying about people taking offence doesn't come into the equation.

Your child comes first.End of.

Either you are fundamentally happy and trust your MIL - in which case, deal with your own issue of control - or you're not, in which case, find alternative arrangements which you do trust.

Why don't you give your mother and MIL a set of guidelines of what you prefer your child to eat and not eat and leave it at that?

Presumably they are reasonable people who will not be forcefeeding your PFB Big Mac and chips or putting whisky in her milk to get her off to sleep?

I think you have to let go a bit TBH. As someone said earlier, your own mother is probably humouring you but your MIL is not taking any crap. Look at it from her POV - you have managed to raise one child until the age of 8 months (so far), she has raised 2 until adulthood. In 6 months time, when your DD is walking/crawling and shoving dirt in her mouth, you will laugh about this, you really will.

Gah you are being ridiculous. All babies gag and all babies choke.

She needs to keep having finger foods and lumpy stuff otherwise she'll never learn how to cope with them. She isn't just going to miraculously wake up one day and be able to chew and swallow a roast dinner, she needs to practise.

tryharder - i suppose my mother just knows what i'm like, i like to be in control and she knows that no matter what it's a case of mummy knows best, so she is always going to be happy to go along with that i say. i'm not trying to be unreasonable with my mother or MIL (although my mum doesn't feel i'm being unreasonable, she was a bit too easy going with my sister and i and she quite likes how i am with my daughter)

my mum had alot of help around her when my sister i were babies, as did my MIL when she had her 2. they both let people take over and make decisions on their behalf. i've always been left to it with my daughter and it's only over the last couple of months that they've both been helping out so much. i'm not sure if that's why i'm so stuck on the idea that i know best, but either way i know i need to loosen up as the last thing i want is to give my DD issues with food.

It's scary when your baby chokes, of course it is, but it happens ALL the time! You need to deal with it and move on. I do agree that you either trust your MIL implicitly in ALL aspects of childcare or you don't. If you don't you should make alternative arrangements. To be honest, and I mean this kindly, I would be a little concerned that you being so uptight may rub off on your little one as they do pick on on these things. I was a lot like this with my first but I did learn the chill out a bit and I hope you do too.