To expect Grandparents to ask my permission....

[PiscesLondon]

hi all,

i'm a bit of a control freak with my DD and food. she's just turned 8 months and is starting to eat lumpier things, tiny bits of finger foods etc...

my MIL has her every thursday whilst i study, she generally takes her out for the day from about lunchtime when i have to leave and then puts her to bed for me and stays with her until i come home. i'm very grateful, and i trust my MIL completely, she loves my DD and vice versa. my own mum doesn't have a set day when she has my daughter, i just pop into my mum's a couple of times a week for a few hours with my DD and if i want a night out with OH or a catch up with friends, i just ask my mum if i can drop my DD off (providing my mum isn't in work and doesn't have plans) again, my DD and mum have a great relationship and i trust my mum completely.

now, i'm not a fan of people giving my DD bits of food without asking me first (i'm paranoid about choking and also don't like my DD eating crap) my mum actually has my DD for a few hours today whilst i organise the nursery. i've rang my mum and told her what i want my DD to have for dinner, i've also told her that if she wants to give my DD any other bits of finger foods etc.. to ring me and check, as i feel i know my own child best and i know what she's capable of eating. my mum is really laid back and fine with this, it's not a problem. my MIL on the other hand said 'i have had 2 kids myself you know' and was a bit dismissive. i get the impression she was a little offended that i expected her to ask my permission. when either of them have my DD, i have all her meals ready to take with them, so i don't know if i might be best to just tell my MIL that i'd rather that was all my DD ate for the day, then she wouldn't need to ring me to check about anything. i'd just like to add that this won't be forever, just until my DD is old enough to eat most things competently.

AIBU?

sanfairyann - I had the same thought!

The OP is a total control freak over food, but lets her child be looked after in the same house as a huge AMerican bulldog! Wierd.

thank you for the replies so far, it's good to see other people's POV's and hear other people's experiences.

activate - i'm not a freak, honest! you say i'm obsessed for no good reason and i'm sure i'll look back in 6 months and completely agree, it's just that right now, after the choking incident, i feel like i do have reason.

fairy I was thinking the same as I read this - panicking about a bit of toast with a vicious dog in the house.

My kids have seriously choked (and I do mean not just gagging!) and my ds was also attacked and badly bitten (to the extent of needing emergency and then plastic surgery on his shoulder) by an out of control dog. A huge American Bulldog that has already gone for the child?

I'd take the choking any day!!

well i'm from the blw camp

and i don't think you should ever put finger foods in a baby's mouth. if they can pick it up and put it in their mouth that's fine. developmentally, they can't cope with eating the food if they can't pick it up. the mouth reflexes develop before the hand reflexes. that's the whole principle of blw.

so i would be pretty fucked off that someone put some food in my baby's mouth.

let alone the fact that it was chewed up.

let alone the fact that it was a chip.

i do think you're being over-cautious though.

violethill - you're wrong their i'm afraid. DD is not looked after at their home, never has been, it's always been at our place. we do visit with DD and insist that dog is locked out. DD has never been left their without me or OH because of the dog. i'm not that stupid

I wouldn't go near a house with an out of control dog, whether or not it was "locked out" (free to terrorise other people?). How do you know the doors are secure?

If you can't trust your MIL with food, how do you know she is not taking your dd back to her house through the day when the dog is not "secure?"

I don't think UABU at all. Your dd you decide.

When my DM looked after DD1 I always left instructions of what to eat & the times. If she had her way, she'd have fed her rubbish.

FWIW I'm not aware of babies ever choking on puree. Proper choking is where something lodges in the throat - don't think puree can do this.

I also think serious choking results in death ?

YABU- and come across as v anxious and controlling.

You are really very lucky to have such great support from both sets of grandparents. By all means, discuss with them what she likes to eat or leave some food prepared but don't insist on constant phone calls and checks. It would be best if you showed them that you trust them to look after your DD and also how grateful you are for the help.

weegiemum - when i say locked out, i mean locked in another room in the house. all of the doors in the house have locks and keys, so when we take my DD, i request that the dog is locked in one room by the time we arrive and we sit in another room.

the dog is really friendly with other adults, it's just wary of children (as i mentioned earlier it once got quite vicious with a child, although thankfully didn't bite him) so it's a chance i would never take.

my MIL is under strict instructions not to take DD to her home were the dog is. she takes my DD out for the day in her pram and i live too far away from her to walk back to her house with DD, she has keys to my house and comes back to mine after their walk.

lovingthesun - thank you, it's a nice surprise that someone doesn't think i'm being totally unreasonable!

When asking people to look after your child keep the rules clear and simple.

Very generalised rules, that make people feel as though they are allowed no initiative, are likely to be ignored or dismissed as being too difficult to live with. Unfortunately the really vital rules will just be lost in the rest of the dross.

Give your DD's carers rules that must be stuck to 100% - such as no whole grapes, no honey, no contact with ravening dog etc. and leave the rest up to them.

Puree CAN lodge in the throat. And someone else pushing a spoon of puree into someone's mouth past their natural gag reflex is more likely to ensure this happens. Also a piece of food can be removed in one go with the usual slapping on the back whereas puree takes a while to clear.

Choking CAN result in death but very very rarely and even more rarely in children. Choking to death because of food inhalation is much more common (RELATIVELY) in adults.

I do add a cheery note to this board don't I?

Sorry - to clarify - babies & children rarely choke on food but choking on non-food objects is more common.

End of Health and Safety disclaimer.

It is up to you of course what you would rather your child ate.

However, because your mil is your dd's grandmother (i.e. delights in spoiling gcs as is only natural) and because she is giving you childcare for free, I'm afraid that whatever you say or request, she doesn't actually sound like she's going to take much notice. It sounds like there's a gap of understanding between the, "I've mothered too, you know, and my dcs are fine," and the "I'm not dissing your mothering but this is how I'd like things done" messages.

So, if you have a problem with this, I wouldn't leave your dd with mil. And get paid childcare. That way you have absolute say.

Of course, your mil should do whatever you ask - even if your dd needs to learn to cope with food as all little ones gag and choke a bit - but if you can't trust her to do as you wish, then you need to rethink your options.

winky - i don't want to stop MIL taking care of DD. they have a lovely realtionship and i know she loves my DD to bits. just for now, i would rather she didn't give her certain types of finger foods (or chewed up chips!) without my permission. not forever, only until my DD is eating plenty of things without great difficulty.

But will your mil do it for you? Isn't that the problem?

i guess i'll have to sit her down and explain it to her and hopefully she'll see my point this time. i have taken on board everything said, and i'm definitely going to relax about it all, but i'll let MIL know what finger foods DD can and can't have for the time being.

Interestingly I used to scare my MIL by letting DS try whatever fingerfoods he fancied from 6 months.... I think she was sure I was a thoroughly slack mum and possibly a danger to my child

she's probably right about the slack mum bit! But ds was,and is,completely fine. And he's my pfb. He just seemed to know what he was doing and what he wanted so I let him get on with it. She thought I was mad but tbh i don't think it was the first time she'd thought that...

I sympathise with the OP - however lucky she is to have grandmothers at hand for childcare, she absolutely has the right to control everything her 8 month old eats, and to know about everything she is given.

TBH, I think that the general level of understanding of nutrition and eating habits in the UK is appalling.

I can see that you want to have control, but I think that you just have to accept that when you are not there you don't have control. Even if grandparents nod along, there is no way of knowing if they have listened or dismissed it as pfb.

OP - you are not being U to not want some gacky chewed-up chip being fed to your child! Reading that made me feel a bit sick this morning!

As for the rest, I'm with the majority of people on here in thinking it's pretty U to get your MIL to ask permission for what to feed your DD. When my mum or MIL look after my kids I leave it to their judgement what snacks to give them.

Is your DD picking up any food and putting it into her mouth at all? DD1 was a bit pants at it, and had a bit of trouble with lumps in food in general. She also choked quite badly once, and was forever gagging and everything. We kept trying, putting lumps of soft veg or banana on her highchair tray and leaving her to it, and finally when she was about 10 months old she got the hang of it, and now eats just about anything (except cheese for some reason). DD2 has been amazing, and started nicking her big sister's toast from 6 months old. She just sucks it until it's a vile sloppy texture, then eats it. She will now eat anything she can pick up, including meat and most fruit and veg. You mention wanting to add meat to your DD's diet, have you tried getting a slow cooker and cooking meat until it is really soft? DD2 loves this and will happily eat most meats now (tried them all except pork, but that's only because I can't stand it so never buy it).

Sorry for the long ramble, I just think it's worth persevering with different finger foods, your DD will get used to it and soon will be trying to eat just about anything!

Piscesmoon

Please go to your local children's centre or your HV and speak to them about chocking and babies. It is actually important that your child chokes to learn how to use her gag reflex and often what we view as a huge choke episode is not at all.

Instead of expecting your mother and Mil to ask your ok every little bit they want to give yrou dd (and yes I think YABU there) leave food you are ok about her having, this way you can feel your in control and at the same time you are showing your MIL and mother that you are trusting them to know what to do. To be truthful I am not surprised your MIL said "I have brought up 2 children of my own you know" I am more surprised she didnt go further and frankly I would put money on your mother is likely feeding her what she feels like and just not telling you simply humouring you.

YANBU to not want them to chew your dd's food but as I said deliver her to your mother with boxes and packs of food you are ok about her having and when your MIL comes to visit tell her Ive put this here for lunch/dinner if you need further there is XYZ please just take what you feel is suitable..

I would also suggest you read Gail Ripleys book babylead weaning it will give you some good ideas as to what your dd's abilities are at this age

You have got your Pisces mixed up! I was the one saying that she has to leave it to the grandparents and can't expect control when she isn't there-you should be addressing PiscesLondon!

I would also consider that if your MIL didn't have DD and you chose childcare then they WOULD NOT ring you everytime they wanted to feed your DD.

You would have to trust them and I think you'd find it harder to trust a stranger.

Reading the thread since my last message I am coming round to the idea you can have a say in what she eats and agree having a snack box with suitable snacks is an excellent idea.

It is something you get use to - my mum gave DS a small bit of coke to drink at 2yrs old and I returned from work to find him literally bouncing off the walls!!!

I sort of know how you feel. We had an incident with mil and ds2 - she fed him 1/2 jar of red pesto sauce when he was about 9 months old rather than the tub of food that I said I'd left in the fridge. Her excuse was that she didn't know what it was ... hhmm not getting much better mil.

After that I turned into a bit of a control freak about what she fed him.

I think it's fair enough that you explain what sort of foods you'd like her to feed your dd, but as others have said they can eat quite lumpy food at that age. I mashed and pureed for my first 2, but gave up for the next 2.

I really don't agree with the idea that just because she raised 2 of her own children that must mean she's a great mother. Dh often wonders how he made it to adulthood when he looks at the crazy things his mother tries to do with her grandchildren.