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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect Grandparents to ask my permission....

142 replies

PiscesLondon · 23/05/2010 14:23

hi all,

i'm a bit of a control freak with my DD and food. she's just turned 8 months and is starting to eat lumpier things, tiny bits of finger foods etc...

my MIL has her every thursday whilst i study, she generally takes her out for the day from about lunchtime when i have to leave and then puts her to bed for me and stays with her until i come home. i'm very grateful, and i trust my MIL completely, she loves my DD and vice versa. my own mum doesn't have a set day when she has my daughter, i just pop into my mum's a couple of times a week for a few hours with my DD and if i want a night out with OH or a catch up with friends, i just ask my mum if i can drop my DD off (providing my mum isn't in work and doesn't have plans) again, my DD and mum have a great relationship and i trust my mum completely.

now, i'm not a fan of people giving my DD bits of food without asking me first (i'm paranoid about choking and also don't like my DD eating crap) my mum actually has my DD for a few hours today whilst i organise the nursery. i've rang my mum and told her what i want my DD to have for dinner, i've also told her that if she wants to give my DD any other bits of finger foods etc.. to ring me and check, as i feel i know my own child best and i know what she's capable of eating. my mum is really laid back and fine with this, it's not a problem. my MIL on the other hand said 'i have had 2 kids myself you know' and was a bit dismissive. i get the impression she was a little offended that i expected her to ask my permission. when either of them have my DD, i have all her meals ready to take with them, so i don't know if i might be best to just tell my MIL that i'd rather that was all my DD ate for the day, then she wouldn't need to ring me to check about anything. i'd just like to add that this won't be forever, just until my DD is old enough to eat most things competently.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 24/05/2010 19:46

My sister's PILs take her DCs for fast rides in their Porsche while drunk. Apparently that's OK, because they did it with their four DCs, and they turned out OK

ItsGrimUpNorth · 24/05/2010 19:49

" think you'd find it harder to trust a stranger."

IME I've found "strangers" or those working in nurseries or childminders to be very accommodating and amenable to what I want my children to be fed. They don't feel the need to challenge my judgement.

Sometimes, paid childcare means more peace of mind. Particularly as my mil secretly tried to wean my ds at 4 months instead of the six I'd intended.

Original poster
PiscesLondon · 24/05/2010 20:35

thank you everyone, it's great to hear different views and opinions.

i've accepted i'm a psycho i don't know any other parent who has been so hung up over finger foods/choking.

i'm going to do what one of the people who have posted has suggested (sorry, can't remember your username) and ring my sure start centre and see if i can speak to someone, just to get a face to face chat with someone about finger foods.

i'm hoping at 8 months it's early days and i haven't damaged her too much yet!

OP posts:
StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 26/05/2010 13:07

You won't have damaged her, PiscesLondon - and you are determined to do the right thing for her. Don't worry - you are a good mum.

mumeeee · 26/05/2010 13:29

Yare being bit unreasnable and controlling.
I wouldn't ask those you ask to look after your DD to check with you each time they want to give her anything to eat, Just tell them what you would like her to have and then trust them to look after your DD. They won't let her chock.

porcamiseria · 26/05/2010 17:04

YABU
alot! sorry, but control freak springs to mind

your MIL must think you are a right mare!

radstar · 26/05/2010 20:14

We've got some of those organix things called carrot stix, it says on the packet not for children undder 12 months. Not sure if the onion ring ones are the same. (they are by the way hideous things that stain)

I agree with those that have said try toast and banana and pear ds loved all those when first trying finger food. They do have to "learn" to choke and gag.

Original poster
PiscesLondon · 26/05/2010 23:04

thank you davidtennantsgirl, that was very nice of you to say.

i gave her some rice cakes this morning, she gagged like mad, DP run out of the room whilst i sat and let her get on with it. it was hard to watch, but she was fine.

my mum had her for an hour today whilst i went to pick my sister up and tried DD with a baby biscuit. my mum said she took far too much off and went bright red in the face and had a bit of difficulty gagging it back up. will the child eventually learn portion control? she seems to have a habit of taking off alot more than she can handle.

OP posts:
Jux · 27/05/2010 00:08

Can't you just leave a load of food prepared and ask them to phone 'to check', if they want to give her anything else. It's this 'asking permission' thing I'd get my back up over. If you just asked me to phone you 'to check' that'd be different. No idea why, really, but it would.

hairytriangle · 27/05/2010 08:07

I think you're being obsessive, I think you could maybe make it clear you don't want your daughter to eat crap, but other than that, I think expecting your MIL to ask permission for every bit of food she has is control freaky.

Your daughter could pick up on this and end up with some weird ideas about food in later life!

Could you seek counselling? you seem aware that this is a little over the top.

pleasechange · 27/05/2010 08:13

I do think you're being a control freak with the food. In fact I'd go as far to say that if you're so uber-fussy about food issues now then your child is likely to pick up on these at an early age. A child that age shouldn't choke unless given something totally unsuitable

TBH if you're got into a situation whereby your MIL is looking after your child one day a week to do you a favour, then it's fairly unreasonable to dictate she must contact you about what food she gives (presuming it's healthy obviously)

pleasechange · 27/05/2010 08:28

eurgh just read the chewed up chip thing. TBH if you don't trust your MIL on something as basic and important as food, then I agree with violethill that you should seek alternative childcare (they will definitely not give chewed up food to your child!)

I do get a bit with people who get free childcare from GPs and then complain about this, that and the other. If you're not happy, then pay for childcare like most of us not so lucky working/studying parents

iwastooearlytobeayummymummy · 27/05/2010 08:43

OP

this may be stating the obvious here, but have you actually discussed and described with your Dds grandparents exactly what to do in the event of her choking?

This at least may help you have more confidence lnowing that you would all know how react in an emergency.

mumofthreesweeties · 27/05/2010 08:47

you are totally controlling and yabu. Your MIL is right, she has looked after children before and in fact you should just let her get on with it. I think it is terribly rude to insist that your MIL and mum ring you before giving your DC any food. If your DC had some dietary issues I would understand but babies are going to go through 'choking' phases anyway. As you said she choked while she was with you and you are the mum so it really is just one of those things that babies will do. YADBU

EveWasFramed · 27/05/2010 08:52

Oh, dear...I had a friend who was nervous about finger foods because her DS choked (he was 10 months at the time), but it was because he was never allowed to just EAT...because he gagged, she kept on pureeing everything. My two both gagged when they started eating properly, but the more they ate solid stuff, the less they gagged...I gave them their finger stuff soft (boiled chunks of carrott and other veg, lumpy mashed potato, cut up soft fruit)...the gagging didn't last long, and my two eat for England now!
My friend's DS is almost 3 now, and is a terrible eater...
It's hard with the first baby to figure this stuff out, but it's good that you're going to speak to someone.
Your family sounds fab for helping you out with DD...so enforce the healthy eating thing, but ease up on the permission thing...they are doing you a favour!

zam72 · 27/05/2010 09:35

My DS2 was like yours with the gagging. DS1 was never like it - just instantly knew what to do with fingers food. DS2 always gagged, and always shoved too much in. It will get better in time. Personally I didn't just plonk it down and let him get on with it. I did cater to it and used the mesh feeder for fruit and cut things up small. And then gradually bigger. I do think they learn from the gagging to a certain extent but I also think that if you have a big gagger then its sensible to not push it as much as you would do with a non-gagger. DS2 is almost 2 and is a very good eater. Try not to show you're worried about the gagging though!

As to your AIBU? Yes, probably. But oh it sounds so familiar (although I am a self-confessed control freak too). I was the exact same with DS1 - incident with my MIL which is now referred to as 'Plum-gate' where she fed him a marginally under-ripe plum after I asked her not to. Lol...seems silly now. I don't think you need to go as far as getting her to ring each time - there has to be a bit of leeway and trust. But explain that you're nervous cos of the gagging and that you'd prefer if she a) cut things up small, b) stuck to what you've given him and/or c) would she mind if you gave her a refresher on what to do in the event of him gagging/choking - just for your piece of mind. I would have a chat with your MIL - she has brought up two kids, but must (hopefully!) remember what its like to be doing it when its your first.

Original poster
PiscesLondon · 28/05/2010 15:19

thanks again for the advice, zam it's nice to know i'm not the only one who is a bit of a control freak!

i will keep GP's up to date with how DD is going with lumpy stuff and finger foods and let them judge what they feel is suitable for her.

OP posts:
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